How to approach a friend in total denial

[Anonymous]

I think most will say to mind my own business which basically is what I have done but heres the story.

A very good friends son has mental illness (depression, bipolar, possible schizophrenic ) They have been dealing with these for almost 4 years after he had to leave college. He could not deal (was also doing some drugs heavy drinking while in school) was exacerbated the problem of course.

He has been home pretty much at 23 doing nothing. No job, no school, stays home in his room. They have had him going to many drs and programs which all start with a bang but then fizzle out and this has been the cycle for over 3 years now. It is heartbreaking. It has taken a HUGE toll on their family, their happiness, they are mere skeleton of the family they once were. My friend is the eternal optimist, she can never admit things are really bad. VERY BAD.
Once in a great while when shes at a breaking point she will but rarely, I think it is her own coping mechanism.

They talk a lot about him going away to a facility to get treatment but don't "do". I think its part emotional and part financial. They do very well but still these places are a fortune. The way those closest to them see it they are without intentionally doing it, enabling him. He is not growing even one bit and every day he is getting older with nothing to show for it. It is sad. He can't live with them forever and stay in his room doing nothing.

For me seeing the effects its had on their younger son who is my sons very good friend has been heartbreaking to watch. I know they see it and have acknowledged it but I am starting to feel like they are being outright selfish in their relentless desire to "fix" him. It's not going to happen, they cannot fix him. He has been on literally every medication, and now they are even starting shock therapy. But whats happening is their younger son is starting to act out and its so obvious it is because of how troubled he is over this. He has expressed this many times to my son and resents his older brother still being home (won't allow friends to come over for fear of embarrassment since the older brother barely speaks it is obvious something is not quite right).

Bottom line I love my friend and feel for what they are going through, but I feel like i want to take her by the shoulders and say wake up, this is not changing, its not only not gotten better, its gotten worse and look at the expense. Their families happiness, her husband looks like a walking corpse he has lost so much weight, stopped his social sporting activities, my friend quit her part time job to oversee her son, and then you look at the younger son who is really suffering. It is so sad. Is it my place to say anything? It would be out of a place of nothing but total love and sincerity in hopes that they can be whole again.

[Anonymous]

wow, OP. Her son is not a normal functioning adult, he has medical issues that are complicated. What do you expect her to do? Just ship him off to an institution?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:wow, OP. Her son is not a normal functioning adult, he has medical issues that are complicated. What do you expect her to do? Just ship him off to an institution?

Yes that they have been talking about doing. The sooner he does the more of a chance he has at overcoming this and starting to live a life of semi normalcy. They are not helping anyone by him being put up in his room. At almost 24 he has no skills, no education, no job,etc....it is a fact that the vast majority of young adults who go into intensive residential therapy come out markedly improved. She knows this but as her friend I feel like I should gently encourage her to really start thinking about this as not only an option but something she needs to do. First and foremost for him and then secondly for their family.

[Anonymous]

Wow OP. You are not a friend. You sound like a judgemental bitch. Would love to see what you would do in her situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:wow, OP. Her son is not a normal functioning adult, he has medical issues that are complicated. What do you expect her to do? Just ship him off to an institution?

Yes that they have been talking about doing. The sooner he does the more of a chance he has at overcoming this and starting to live a life of semi normalcy. They are not helping anyone by him being put up in his room. At almost 24 he has no skills, no education, no job,etc....it is a fact that the vast majority of young adults who go into intensive residential therapy come out markedly improved. She knows this but as her friend I feel like I should gently encourage her to really start thinking about this as not only an option but something she needs to do. First and foremost for him and then secondly for their family.

Is it really that hard for you to understand just a little how difficult that would be for them? Jesus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow OP. You are not a friend. You sound like a judgemental bitch. Would love to see what you would do in her situation.

How does OP sound like a bitch? Am i missing something here? She is trying to help a friend. We all know that sometimes in the name of love we can be blinded by our devotion to those closest to us that sometimes inhibits our abilities to make good decisions.

Sounds like that is the case here. As her friend she is asking if she should speak to her. Not a big deal. If it were me, I would but it sounds like she knows everything you will tell her. They just aren't ready to face up to it yet. They need to do it on their own timetable. Is the younger brother getting therapy? I sure hope so. My own brother was sent away for severe depression when it had just overtaken our family (I was 16 at the time and it was really really hard) so I am sensitive to it.

I loved him but i will never forget the day my parents took him, I felt free and like this huge black shroud of hopelessness was gone. It served him well too, he was gone for 6 months and came back a new person. Today he is a happy, well adjusted successful professional who is married with a daughter on the way. He thanks my parents every day for doing what they did (it was a huge financial sacrifice for them). We were far from wealthy but they did what they felt they needed to do and it was absolutely the right thing.

Good luck OP. I think if you are good enough friends there is nothing wrong with taking her out for lunch or coffee and telling her that you are just really concerned about her, their family, her other son, etc....come from a caring and supportive place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:wow, OP. Her son is not a normal functioning adult, he has medical issues that are complicated. What do you expect her to do? Just ship him off to an institution?

Yes that they have been talking about doing. The sooner he does the more of a chance he has at overcoming this and starting to live a life of semi normalcy. They are not helping anyone by him being put up in his room. At almost 24 he has no skills, no education, no job,etc....it is a fact that the vast majority of young adults who go into intensive residential therapy come out markedly improved. She knows this but as her friend I feel like I should gently encourage her to really start thinking about this as not only an option but something she needs to do. First and foremost for him and then secondly for their family.

You stated your friend can't fix him... but you believe that shutting him away will? (not that I think he can't receive treatment of any kind, but your thinking is seriously flawed)

If someone told you one of your children was a lost cause and you should get rid of them and focus on your other child how would you feel?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:wow, OP. Her son is not a normal functioning adult, he has medical issues that are complicated. What do you expect her to do? Just ship him off to an institution?

Yes that they have been talking about doing. The sooner he does the more of a chance he has at overcoming this and starting to live a life of semi normalcy. They are not helping anyone by him being put up in his room. At almost 24 he has no skills, no education, no job,etc....it is a fact that the vast majority of young adults who go into intensive residential therapy come out markedly improved. She knows this but as her friend I feel like I should gently encourage her to really start thinking about this as not only an option but something she needs to do. First and foremost for him and then secondly for their family.

I'm on your side, OP. I have a friend who will be 40 this year who is still being enabled by his parents... he's also still living with them, can't hold a job, etc. I am sure it is so hard to consider sending a child away for treatment but I can tell you for sure it's so hard watching a 40 year old man repeat the same pattern because he knows he can crash at his parents' house anytime he needs to, no matter what he's done, under any circumstances. This is a person with a criminal record, in fact he didn't call me on birthday in 2014 because he was in jail. What did his parents do when he got out? Bought him another car, part of his new charges was crashing up the last one but "he needs it" if he's ever going to get a job though he has never held a job in his life short of "working" with his dad, when he shows up.

My friend had 3 younger brothers who have all managed to be successful, I believe their parents were just lucky that the other boys chose a completely opposite path and didn't follow their brother down his.

[Anonymous]

You cannot truly fathom what their life is like. Don't you think they've considered this option, and reconsidered it, again and again? It may be that he's never able to function without extensive support; schizophrenia is a brutal disease. Selfish is not a word that you should use to describe them, ever.

[Anonymous]

WTF???????????????????
You do realize that you cannot just 'ship off' a grown ass person?
Do you have even the slightest clue as to how to navigate the mental health system in this country?
Do you realize that the Colorado shooter's family had been tirelessly been warning his school and trying to get him treatment - but you cannot make someone take your mentally ill ADULT child?
I thought you were going to say something about them not trying to do anything.
You are a pill, I think you need a pill.

[Anonymous]

If they're doing shock treatments, they have nothing to offer him. Inpatient may give the family a break, but it's not going to fix their son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow OP. You are not a friend. You sound like a judgemental bitch. Would love to see what you would do in her situation.

How does OP sound like a bitch? Am i missing something here? She is trying to help a friend. We all know that sometimes in the name of love we can be blinded by our devotion to those closest to us that sometimes inhibits our abilities to make good decisions.

Sounds like that is the case here. As her friend she is asking if she should speak to her. Not a big deal. If it were me, I would but it sounds like she knows everything you will tell her. They just aren't ready to face up to it yet. They need to do it on their own timetable. Is the younger brother getting therapy? I sure hope so. My own brother was sent away for severe depression when it had just overtaken our family (I was 16 at the time and it was really really hard) so I am sensitive to it.

I loved him but i will never forget the day my parents took him, I felt free and like this huge black shroud of hopelessness was gone. It served him well too, he was gone for 6 months and came back a new person. Today he is a happy, well adjusted successful professional who is married with a daughter on the way. He thanks my parents every day for doing what they did (it was a huge financial sacrifice for them). We were far from wealthy but they did what they felt they needed to do and it was absolutely the right thing.

Good luck OP. I think if you are good enough friends there is nothing wrong with taking her out for lunch or coffee and telling her that you are just really concerned about her, their family, her other son, etc....come from a caring and supportive place.

+1. OP I think you have to speak up! Good friends say things.

[Anonymous]

this isn't some failure to launch story or someone who is clinically depressed...

OP said he had multitude of mental health issues, including possible schizophrenia... If he presented as a danger to himself or others than an intervention would be absolutely necessary.

Other than that, it is something THEY need to navigate and you need to BUTT out of cause you have no idea. Saying something like you are thinking could END your friendship since you don't realize how insensitive you are coming off and don't get how hard this most be for them.

If they had an adult child with Down syndrome living with them would you say the same thing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:wow, OP. Her son is not a normal functioning adult, he has medical issues that are complicated. What do you expect her to do? Just ship him off to an institution?

Yes that they have been talking about doing. The sooner he does the more of a chance he has at overcoming this and starting to live a life of semi normalcy. They are not helping anyone by him being put up in his room. At almost 24 he has no skills, no education, no job,etc....it is a fact that the vast majority of young adults who go into intensive residential therapy come out markedly improved. She knows this but as her friend I feel like I should gently encourage her to really start thinking about this as not only an option but something she needs to do. First and foremost for him and then secondly for their family.

I'm on your side, OP. I have a friend who will be 40 this year who is still being enabled by his parents... he's also still living with them, can't hold a job, etc. I am sure it is so hard to consider sending a child away for treatment but I can tell you for sure it's so hard watching a 40 year old man repeat the same pattern because he knows he can crash at his parents' house anytime he needs to, no matter what he's done, under any circumstances. This is a person with a criminal record, in fact he didn't call me on birthday in 2014 because he was in jail. What did his parents do when he got out? Bought him another car, part of his new charges was crashing up the last one but "he needs it" if he's ever going to get a job though he has never held a job in his life short of "working" with his dad, when he shows up.

My friend had 3 younger brothers who have all managed to be successful, I believe their parents were just lucky that the other boys chose a completely opposite path and didn't follow their brother down his.

Uhh..big difference between crazy and being lazy.
DUH!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:this isn't some failure to launch story or someone who is clinically depressed...

OP said he had multitude of mental health issues, including possible schizophrenia... If he presented as a danger to himself or others than an intervention would be absolutely necessary.

Other than that, it is something THEY need to navigate and you need to BUTT out of cause you have no idea. Saying something like you are thinking could END your friendship since you don't realize how insensitive you are coming off and don't get how hard this most be for them.

If they had an adult child with Down syndrome living with them would you say the same thing?

how would speaking to her friend be insensitive? I do not agree at all. I think if anything it shows she cares and sees the devastation it is causing. Sometimes you see things more objectively when you are not directly in the line of fire.
Friends speak to their friends about the good, the hard, the bad and the ugly. Period.