Is it offensive if someone’s excuse not to hang out is laundry or grocery shopping?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you can take this one of two ways. One, she just doesn't like you that much (I call it not being a tier-one friend) and so when anything gets in the way of spending time with you, she lets it. Two, she is drowning and being a SAHM mom to two little kids can be all-consuming (I assume, I have always worked) and if you want to spend time with her you need to be flexible.

On the one hand, I have friends who aren't tier one and I don't go out of my way to see them or spend time with them. If it's easy, then sure, but I don't rearrange or work hard to find the time. On the other hand, my best friend is a school teacher and the primary parent for her two kids because of her husband's schedule. I talk to her at 5 am because it's the only time we can commit to (rarely do things get scheduled at that time...). So we walk and talk then because I value our friendship that much.

Personally, I try not to take offense to people's choice to not hang out with me (or to cancel). But I do use that information going forward and plan accordingly where they are concerned.

Op here. I think I am one of her only friends. We met when our kids were babies 3 years ago. We both were home with babies/toddlers while our older kid(s) were in school. She has 2 kids. I have 3 kids. Our kids started preschool and then covid happened. We would see each other like once or so per week and it was very last minute.

I don’t think she uses a calendar or I am not important enough to put in her calendar.

Even for her daughter’s birthday, she told me that she will probably do something on X date. I saved that day for her and then the day before, she tells me they decided not to do anything.

I was ready to just drop her. Of course this morning, my daughter begs me to invite this friend over. I didn’t ask her. I don’t plan on asking her to ever do anything in advance. Problem is I have 3 kids to juggle and sports are starting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you can take this one of two ways. One, she just doesn't like you that much (I call it not being a tier-one friend) and so when anything gets in the way of spending time with you, she lets it. Two, she is drowning and being a SAHM mom to two little kids can be all-consuming (I assume, I have always worked) and if you want to spend time with her you need to be flexible.

On the one hand, I have friends who aren't tier one and I don't go out of my way to see them or spend time with them. If it's easy, then sure, but I don't rearrange or work hard to find the time. On the other hand, my best friend is a school teacher and the primary parent for her two kids because of her husband's schedule. I talk to her at 5 am because it's the only time we can commit to (rarely do things get scheduled at that time...). So we walk and talk then because I value our friendship that much.

Personally, I try not to take offense to people's choice to not hang out with me (or to cancel). But I do use that information going forward and plan accordingly where they are concerned.

Op here. I think I am one of her only friends. We met when our kids were babies 3 years ago. We both were home with babies/toddlers while our older kid(s) were in school. She has 2 kids. I have 3 kids. Our kids started preschool and then covid happened. We would see each other like once or so per week and it was very last minute.

I don’t think she uses a calendar or I am not important enough to put in her calendar.

Even for her daughter’s birthday, she told me that she will probably do something on X date. I saved that day for her and then the day before, she tells me they decided not to do anything.

I was ready to just drop her. Of course this morning, my daughter begs me to invite this friend over. I didn’t ask her. I don’t plan on asking her to ever do anything in advance. Problem is I have 3 kids to juggle and sports are starting.

Op, have some empathy and do your best for yourself and your family. If you’ve made NOT firm plans with her, she’s not really standing you up. If she’s canceling on a set plan without notice, or too many times, then that’s different.

I think it’s a reflection of her, not on you. If you’re asking because you’ve started to feel ‘stupid’ about it, move on to greener pastures wo resentment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who always wants to make plans and she doesn't have *any* household responsibilities (no small kids, DH does everything) so she doesn't understand time spend on housework and cooking. She also doesn't work, and expects me to be available to do things with her and doesn't consider the need to do housework and laundry and feed everyone.

This is not the same situation at all. She is the one who throws her available dates for the week after. Then when the day comes, she can’t meet up because she has to go to the grocery store.

Her husband also does most of the grocery and Costco runs in their house. At the end of the day, she is just flaky. It is what it is.

Our kids don’t go to the same preschool and won’t go to the same elementary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who always wants to make plans and she doesn't have *any* household responsibilities (no small kids, DH does everything) so she doesn't understand time spend on housework and cooking. She also doesn't work, and expects me to be available to do things with her and doesn't consider the need to do housework and laundry and feed everyone.

This is not the same situation at all. She is the one who throws her available dates for the week after. Then when the day comes, she can’t meet up because she has to go to the grocery store.

Her husband also does most of the grocery and Costco runs in their house. At the end of the day, she is just flaky. It is what it is.

Our kids don’t go to the same preschool and won’t go to the same elementary.

Are you actually settled on a plan?

She may book them once she’s told you and you haven’t committed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I only make same-day plans with known flakes, and I don't go out of my way. "We're hanging out at home today if you guys want to come over around 2 and swim!" or "we're headed to the park for a couple hours this morning, let me know if you want to meet up!"

Same. I don't structure my day around it. Low-key stuff like heading to the pool/going to the playground/playing outside in the yard.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who does this. She'll ask me if I want to get together next week for (fill in the blank) but without a firm day. I say sure. Then Sunday or Monday will roll around and I'll ask her what day she wants to (whatever it was). Then she'll tell me she's incredibly busy and isn't sure she can make it, but will let me know. Then I won't hear back for another week or two.

She doesn't work, has two kids, one in college and one a high school senior. Full time maid. So yeah...super busy. Some people just are like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who always wants to make plans and she doesn't have *any* household responsibilities (no small kids, DH does everything) so she doesn't understand time spend on housework and cooking. She also doesn't work, and expects me to be available to do things with her and doesn't consider the need to do housework and laundry and feed everyone.

This is not the same situation at all. She is the one who throws her available dates for the week after. Then when the day comes, she can’t meet up because she has to go to the grocery store.

Her husband also does most of the grocery and Costco runs in their house. At the end of the day, she is just flaky. It is what it is.

Our kids don’t go to the same preschool and won’t go to the same elementary.

Are you actually settled on a plan?

She may book them once she’s told you and you haven’t committed.

I think she is just very last minute. She asked to hang out this past week and I was unavailable. She just asked me to maybe do something tomorrow. She said she will let me know if they are doing this outing. I did not tell my daughter and ended up making plans. I’m sure she will ask me to do something again but it is unlikely we will just be available since I have 3 kids and typically make plans in advance. It is not like before when kids were in virtual school and we all did nothing everyday.

[Anonymous]

OP, hang in there a bit longer. When your kids are four, you can start doing play dates without the other mom involved. You can host and you can try to build a little more control around those play dates. For example, you can offer to host the kids while this woman goes and does her laundry or whatever. And you should stop holding days or large chunks of time open for her to decide. you should tell her you will make a firm plan and put her in the calendar, let her know that your daughter is really looking forward to seeing her daughter, and tell her that you’re happy it worked out because both of you are so busy that it’s great you could both find time in your schedules to put this in your calendar. In other words, are you telling her that you are inconveniencing yourself to accommodate her? Or are you doing that quietly, for the sake of your child, but the other mom is a flake and doesn’t realize?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you need to make actual plans.

Her: Do you want to hang out on Tuesday?
You: Yes, let's meet at Sunny Spot Park at 2:00pm

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s nice that you can find other times to do laundry. Not everyone shares that level of flexibility. I have friends with tight schedules. Sometimes when we hang out, I go to their house or we run errands together — because my priority is maintaining the friendship, not just having someone who can go out when I can. It would only bother me if I felt that it was an excuse — rather than a genuine conflict.

I would say she has more flexibility than me. She is a SAHM of 2. She literally can do laundry anytime. She lives in a house with her own laundry. It isn’t like she has to take her laundry to a laundromat.

People think that SAHM somehow have all the free time in the world, when in reality they are usually busier than other moms, because they get no help for any chores, and especially with little ones, chores are endless and sleep is scarce.

Don’t resent your friend, but if you don’t like what’s going on, and something you’d like to do comes up, don’t cancel for her. Don’t go out of your way and then get blown off, but don’t be too harsh. If you want the friendship because of your daughter, suck it up and go with it, with a balance to where your daughter doesn’t feel expendable. Little ones are all feeling, and depending on how you do it, she may pick up or not on it.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s nice that you can find other times to do laundry. Not everyone shares that level of flexibility. I have friends with tight schedules. Sometimes when we hang out, I go to their house or we run errands together — because my priority is maintaining the friendship, not just having someone who can go out when I can. It would only bother me if I felt that it was an excuse — rather than a genuine conflict.

I would say she has more flexibility than me. She is a SAHM of 2. She literally can do laundry anytime. She lives in a house with her own laundry. It isn’t like she has to take her laundry to a laundromat.

People think that SAHM somehow have all the free time in the world, when in reality they are usually busier than other moms, because they get no help for any chores, and especially with little ones, chores are endless and sleep is scarce.

Don’t resent your friend, but if you don’t like what’s going on, and something you’d like to do comes up, don’t cancel for her. Don’t go out of your way and then get blown off, but don’t be too harsh. If you want the friendship because of your daughter, suck it up and go with it, with a balance to where your daughter doesn’t feel expendable. Little ones are all feeling, and depending on how you do it, she may pick up or not on it.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

You must have never been a shm. Jealousy!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I live in an apartment and share laundry with like 100 other tenants. I have to do laundry when the machines are free. I also sometimes have to go to up to four different places to find one that will give me a roll of quarters. Doing two loads of laundry can take me an entire day between trying to get a machine and finding quarters.

Why would you not lay in a supply of quarters so you don’t have to look for them each time? That can easily be planned ahead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I live in an apartment and share laundry with like 100 other tenants. I have to do laundry when the machines are free. I also sometimes have to go to up to four different places to find one that will give me a roll of quarters. Doing two loads of laundry can take me an entire day between trying to get a machine and finding quarters.

Why would you not lay in a supply of quarters so you don’t have to look for them each time? That can easily be planned ahead.

It is absolutely fine to make time to do laundry. What you should not do is make plans with someone on a Tuesday morning and then cancel saying you have to do laundry. You could plan to do laundry on Monday morning or Wednesday morning or whenever the laundry room is free.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s nice that you can find other times to do laundry. Not everyone shares that level of flexibility. I have friends with tight schedules. Sometimes when we hang out, I go to their house or we run errands together — because my priority is maintaining the friendship, not just having someone who can go out when I can. It would only bother me if I felt that it was an excuse — rather than a genuine conflict.

I would say she has more flexibility than me. She is a SAHM of 2. She literally can do laundry anytime. She lives in a house with her own laundry. It isn’t like she has to take her laundry to a laundromat.

People think that SAHM somehow have all the free time in the world, when in reality they are usually busier than other moms, because they get no help for any chores, and especially with little ones, chores are endless and sleep is scarce.

Don’t resent your friend, but if you don’t like what’s going on, and something you’d like to do comes up, don’t cancel for her. Don’t go out of your way and then get blown off, but don’t be too harsh. If you want the friendship because of your daughter, suck it up and go with it, with a balance to where your daughter doesn’t feel expendable. Little ones are all feeling, and depending on how you do it, she may pick up or not on it.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

You must have never been a shm. Jealousy!!

I don't want to make this yet another mommy wars thread because those are ridiculous, but I don't understand why SAHMs think that all WOH parents have outside help with anything other than watching their children during the day. I am either in the car or at work from 8:00am - 5:00pm, otherwise I'm at home with my children or taking my kids to children's activities or doing something social or cleaning my house or doing laundry or making meals, or grocery shopping, just the same as you. We don't have cleaners, no one else is doing our laundry or trimming our hedges or mowing the lawn. So, yes, the idea that you are somehow busier or more exhausted than I am is laughable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s nice that you can find other times to do laundry. Not everyone shares that level of flexibility. I have friends with tight schedules. Sometimes when we hang out, I go to their house or we run errands together — because my priority is maintaining the friendship, not just having someone who can go out when I can. It would only bother me if I felt that it was an excuse — rather than a genuine conflict.

I would say she has more flexibility than me. She is a SAHM of 2. She literally can do laundry anytime. She lives in a house with her own laundry. It isn’t like she has to take her laundry to a laundromat.

People think that SAHM somehow have all the free time in the world, when in reality they are usually busier than other moms, because they get no help for any chores, and especially with little ones, chores are endless and sleep is scarce.

Don’t resent your friend, but if you don’t like what’s going on, and something you’d like to do comes up, don’t cancel for her. Don’t go out of your way and then get blown off, but don’t be too harsh. If you want the friendship because of your daughter, suck it up and go with it, with a balance to where your daughter doesn’t feel expendable. Little ones are all feeling, and depending on how you do it, she may pick up or not on it.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

You must have never been a shm. Jealousy!!

I don't want to make this yet another mommy wars thread because those are ridiculous, but I don't understand why SAHMs think that all WOH parents have outside help with anything other than watching their children during the day. I am either in the car or at work from 8:00am - 5:00pm, otherwise I'm at home with my children or taking my kids to children's activities or doing something social or cleaning my house or doing laundry or making meals, or grocery shopping, just the same as you. We don't have cleaners, no one else is doing our laundry or trimming our hedges or mowing the lawn. So, yes, the idea that you are somehow busier or more exhausted than I am is laughable.

Nowhere in my post did I write about working moms or any assumptions about the help they get. I said that people think that shm are free all the time. You jumped in and are telling me how busy you are and trying to belittle shm. But since you brought it up, shm are usually doing that because their husbands aren’t doing anything around the house or with the kids. So, while a working mom may split her chores with her husband, usually, a shm does everything.

Shm aren't doing their nails more than you are.