Is it offensive if someone’s excuse not to hang out is laundry or grocery shopping?

[Anonymous]

This reminds me of my dad. When he was in college in the 1960s, if he asked a woman out and she said she couldn't because she had to do her hair, he took it as an excuse that she wasn't interested. Meanwhile, back then they really did use a ton of time once or twice a week to do their hair, so the ladies all thought he was some kind of serial dater.

To the question, if this was something they did regularly, I'd see it as a lame excuse and wouldn't go out of my way for them. If it was a one-off, then not. I bailed on a friend a couple weeks ago because I felt "run down". Lo and behold a couple days later our daughter was super sick...so I was probably fighting something (not covid). I have another friend that rarely commits and has always bailed if something seemingly better came around...we never plan around her.

[Anonymous]

Your plans aren't a priority to her like they are to you. Adjust your priorities. Don't hold the day open for her.

[Anonymous]

I would just tell her to text you next time she has a free morning and see if you're free, if you're not, you're not.

Yes, I would be offended if someone cancelled on me for laundry or grocery shopping unless it was truly a last minute emergency.

I agree with others that she might have social anxiety. I am also a SAHM of two kids. I never want to keep our plans when the day actually comes around, and yes, sometimes I"m behind on a chore and the playdate is getting in the way. But my feeling is that I made a commitment AND I know I'm gonna have to do the playdate sometime, so just get it over with. The laundry/etc. always gets done one way or another.

[Anonymous]

I would insist on planning a specific event at a specific time ahead of time and if she can't do that, then don't leave time for her. You have laundry!

[Anonymous]

Is it possible she has social anxiety, and makes plans because she does like you and wants to see you - but on the day of she backs out because she doesn't have the reserve for actual in-person socializing?

Either way, I think you should stop blocking off time for her. Let her know when she can drop by if she'd like, or that you'll be at XYZ restaurant at 123 time and she's welcome to come if she'd like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s nice that you can find other times to do laundry. Not everyone shares that level of flexibility. I have friends with tight schedules. Sometimes when we hang out, I go to their house or we run errands together — because my priority is maintaining the friendship, not just having someone who can go out when I can. It would only bother me if I felt that it was an excuse — rather than a genuine conflict.

I would say she has more flexibility than me. She is a SAHM of 2. She literally can do laundry anytime. She lives in a house with her own laundry. It isn’t like she has to take her laundry to a laundromat.

People think that SAHM somehow have all the free time in the world, when in reality they are usually busier than other moms, because they get no help for any chores, and especially with little ones, chores are endless and sleep is scarce.

Don’t resent your friend, but if you don’t like what’s going on, and something you’d like to do comes up, don’t cancel for her. Don’t go out of your way and then get blown off, but don’t be too harsh. If you want the friendship because of your daughter, suck it up and go with it, with a balance to where your daughter doesn’t feel expendable. Little ones are all feeling, and depending on how you do it, she may pick up or not on it.

Bullshit. A SAHM has way more time to do laundry than a working mom.

Ha seriously. I work from home and probably have more time to do laundry than some SAHMs do but there are very few scenarios where a SAHM has less time to do laundry than someone who has to commute in every day. Now, the examples about people living in apartments are certainly relevant- if you live in an apartment and in particular can only do laundry between certain times I would be less offended by you cancelling for laundry than for a SAHM of 2 who lives in a house with laundry.

Plus, the bolded applies to everyone

Who cares what you think. Most sahms don’t need your validation.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I'd be offended and yes, those excuses are lame. I don't have time for flakes.

[Anonymous]

Think about it OP: would you put up with this if not for a preschool friend? Make this a “if it’s convenient for me because I’m home” friendship.

[Anonymous]

Do you even like her or are you just getting together for your daughter’s sake? If the latter, I would just tell my daughter Larla’s mom is busy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I only make same-day plans with known flakes, and I don't go out of my way. "We're hanging out at home today if you guys want to come over around 2 and swim!" or "we're headed to the park for a couple hours this morning, let me know if you want to meet up!"

+1000. Don’t go out of your way. If she calls you up and your plans with your daughters click for the day, get together.

[Anonymous]

I used to go hang out with my SAHM friend while she did laundry and sometimes when she came chez moi for coffee I was the one ironing.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who always wants to make plans and she doesn't have *any* household responsibilities (no small kids, DH does everything) so she doesn't understand time spend on housework and cooking. She also doesn't work, and expects me to be available to do things with her and doesn't consider the need to do housework and laundry and feed everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Funny - this thread is half planners, and half flakes! I’m a planner myself. If I know I have plans, I schedule my housework and errands around them, and only cancel in dire situations.

I would say unless you want to stop making plans with her, make them for activities you would be fine going to alone, like a hike or class. Don’t tell your DD until the friend actually confirms she’s on her way.

There isn’t a dichotomy. I make plans, but I am smart enough to cancel them when they do not serve me well any longer. Life is too short to sit in a bar fretting over piles of laundry that you know you have to do. If you were my real friend, I’d have you over with a bottle of wine and great snacks while I did the laundry. We could chat or watch something streaming. I have done this with good friends at either of out houses and it was very relaxing and bonding.

Yep, this is me too. I'm happy to help fold while we talk, watch a show, eat veggies and dip, etc

[Anonymous]

OP, you can take this one of two ways. One, she just doesn't like you that much (I call it not being a tier-one friend) and so when anything gets in the way of spending time with you, she lets it. Two, she is drowning and being a SAHM mom to two little kids can be all-consuming (I assume, I have always worked) and if you want to spend time with her you need to be flexible.

On the one hand, I have friends who aren't tier one and I don't go out of my way to see them or spend time with them. If it's easy, then sure, but I don't rearrange or work hard to find the time. On the other hand, my best friend is a school teacher and the primary parent for her two kids because of her husband's schedule. I talk to her at 5 am because it's the only time we can commit to (rarely do things get scheduled at that time...). So we walk and talk then because I value our friendship that much.

Personally, I try not to take offense to people's choice to not hang out with me (or to cancel). But I do use that information going forward and plan accordingly where they are concerned.

[Anonymous]

A last minute run to Costco because you need to get snacks for the soccer team the next day would be a valid excuse for me. Having to do laundry is not an excuse ever imo. Having said that, why don’t you make a definite plan to do something at a set time. Then you can both plan around it