Is it offensive if someone’s excuse not to hang out is laundry or grocery shopping?

[Anonymous]

It is offensive, of course!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s nice that you can find other times to do laundry. Not everyone shares that level of flexibility. I have friends with tight schedules. Sometimes when we hang out, I go to their house or we run errands together — because my priority is maintaining the friendship, not just having someone who can go out when I can. It would only bother me if I felt that it was an excuse — rather than a genuine conflict.

I would say she has more flexibility than me. She is a SAHM of 2. She literally can do laundry anytime. She lives in a house with her own laundry. It isn’t like she has to take her laundry to a laundromat.

People think that SAHM somehow have all the free time in the world, when in reality they are usually busier than other moms, because they get no help for any chores, and especially with little ones, chores are endless and sleep is scarce.

Don’t resent your friend, but if you don’t like what’s going on, and something you’d like to do comes up, don’t cancel for her. Don’t go out of your way and then get blown off, but don’t be too harsh. If you want the friendship because of your daughter, suck it up and go with it, with a balance to where your daughter doesn’t feel expendable. Little ones are all feeling, and depending on how you do it, she may pick up or not on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who never confirms plans until the day of. I have known her for about 3 years now. Our kids get along great and so do we. We hung out before and during Covid. During Covid, we all were just staying home so all our plans were very last minute and I was happy to just get out of the house.

Now I am much busier. She will say we should hang out next Tuesday or Wednesday with no set time or location. I don’t want to double book so leave it open for her. Then I will follow up and she will say she can’t because of some lame excuse. She would rather do laundry or go to Costco or target. I do all those things too. I can easily find another time to do laundry.

Would you feel offended if someone chose to cancel tentative plans for laundry or grocery shopping?

I feel like I would not accept this type of adult friendship but I am willing to take this crap because my daughter likes her daughter so much. Our kids are in preschool.

I have a childless friend who would tell our mutual friend she couldn’t meet because she had to do laundry. The mutual friend dropped my friend. I live out of town so I never had to deal with being cancelled on for laundry. Friend recently got divorced and is upset this one friend is not there for her. We were friends for 30 years. The friend has 2 kids and has a ton of laundry to do herself. She doesn’t have time to be blown off for laundry.

Stop leaving your ENTIRE DAY open. Why would you even do this? Pin her down, or make plans that work if she and her DD come or not. So, instead of let’s hang out next Wednesday, it’s I’m taking Larla to the playground at 10. Let me know if you want to join us.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she has social anxiety, and cancels last minute if she feels overwhelmed.

As a PP suggests, don't block off your whole day for her or invite her more spontaneously.

[Anonymous]

Can’t you find stuff to do by yourself if she cancels?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s nice that you can find other times to do laundry. Not everyone shares that level of flexibility. I have friends with tight schedules. Sometimes when we hang out, I go to their house or we run errands together — because my priority is maintaining the friendship, not just having someone who can go out when I can. It would only bother me if I felt that it was an excuse — rather than a genuine conflict.

I would say she has more flexibility than me. She is a SAHM of 2. She literally can do laundry anytime. She lives in a house with her own laundry. It isn’t like she has to take her laundry to a laundromat.

People think that SAHM somehow have all the free time in the world, when in reality they are usually busier than other moms, because they get no help for any chores, and especially with little ones, chores are endless and sleep is scarce.

Don’t resent your friend, but if you don’t like what’s going on, and something you’d like to do comes up, don’t cancel for her. Don’t go out of your way and then get blown off, but don’t be too harsh. If you want the friendship because of your daughter, suck it up and go with it, with a balance to where your daughter doesn’t feel expendable. Little ones are all feeling, and depending on how you do it, she may pick up or not on it.

Bullshit. A SAHM has way more time to do laundry than a working mom.

[Anonymous]

OP, you're never going to get any joy from DCUM -- they are the Legion of Flakes when it comes to prioritizing friendship over the Martyrdom of Motherhood.

I understand how you feel. You want to spend time with this person and your kid wants to see their kid -- but this person refuses to commit to a plan.

Saying "just do what you want to do and don't care whether she shows up or not" is not an answer. You're trying to build/sustain a friendship and she's making it impossible.

Unfortunately, flakes will be flakes. You will always have to do the heavy lifting in this friendship, and you will always have to deal with disappointment (yours and your kid's) when the flake flakes.

You have to decide if it's worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she has social anxiety, and cancels last minute if she feels overwhelmed.

As a PP suggests, don't block off your whole day for her or invite her more spontaneously.

This, or depression/anxiety. I had PPD that manifested as me feeling disorganized with my tasks at home and being too overwhelmed to leave the house with my kid.

It could also just be personality- but just keep your mind open that it might be something more out of her control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you like being friends with her you have to be more flexible. Does she reach out and make plans or is it always you who makes plans? Maybe she has adhd or is an introvert and she isn’t as organized as you. Some days I just feel overwhelmed and need to stay home, and my good friends understand that.

I'm an introvert, and if someone regularly flakes and blows me off, I stop inviting them to do anything, and I don't count on them to show up for anything. Your introversion or ADHD isn't an excuse to disrespect your friends.

If she regularly flakes, stop blocking out the whole day. Stop inconveniencing yourself on the off chance she's not going to flake.

Also, I'd make more specific plans. Don't say "let's do something on Tuesday." Say, "Let's meet at the playground Tuesday after lunch" or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s nice that you can find other times to do laundry. Not everyone shares that level of flexibility. I have friends with tight schedules. Sometimes when we hang out, I go to their house or we run errands together — because my priority is maintaining the friendship, not just having someone who can go out when I can. It would only bother me if I felt that it was an excuse — rather than a genuine conflict.

I would say she has more flexibility than me. She is a SAHM of 2. She literally can do laundry anytime. She lives in a house with her own laundry. It isn’t like she has to take her laundry to a laundromat.

People think that SAHM somehow have all the free time in the world, when in reality they are usually busier than other moms, because they get no help for any chores, and especially with little ones, chores are endless and sleep is scarce.

Don’t resent your friend, but if you don’t like what’s going on, and something you’d like to do comes up, don’t cancel for her. Don’t go out of your way and then get blown off, but don’t be too harsh. If you want the friendship because of your daughter, suck it up and go with it, with a balance to where your daughter doesn’t feel expendable. Little ones are all feeling, and depending on how you do it, she may pick up or not on it.

Bullshit. A SAHM has way more time to do laundry than a working mom.

I’ve been both, and the exhaustion I felt while a sahm with preK children was indescribable. My laundry was never finished! It depends how much free/hired help you get.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s nice that you can find other times to do laundry. Not everyone shares that level of flexibility. I have friends with tight schedules. Sometimes when we hang out, I go to their house or we run errands together — because my priority is maintaining the friendship, not just having someone who can go out when I can. It would only bother me if I felt that it was an excuse — rather than a genuine conflict.

I would say she has more flexibility than me. She is a SAHM of 2. She literally can do laundry anytime. She lives in a house with her own laundry. It isn’t like she has to take her laundry to a laundromat.

People think that SAHM somehow have all the free time in the world, when in reality they are usually busier than other moms, because they get no help for any chores, and especially with little ones, chores are endless and sleep is scarce.

Don’t resent your friend, but if you don’t like what’s going on, and something you’d like to do comes up, don’t cancel for her. Don’t go out of your way and then get blown off, but don’t be too harsh. If you want the friendship because of your daughter, suck it up and go with it, with a balance to where your daughter doesn’t feel expendable. Little ones are all feeling, and depending on how you do it, she may pick up or not on it.

Bullshit. A SAHM has way more time to do laundry than a working mom.

I’ve been both, and the exhaustion I felt while a sahm with preK children was indescribable. My laundry was never finished! It depends how much free/hired help you get.

However, I never compared the sahm to a wm. I was only speaking to the unfair treatment sahms get.

I’m sure you’re one of those who looks down on women who work in the home, because according to you they’re at least a bit backwards and not with the times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s nice that you can find other times to do laundry. Not everyone shares that level of flexibility. I have friends with tight schedules. Sometimes when we hang out, I go to their house or we run errands together — because my priority is maintaining the friendship, not just having someone who can go out when I can. It would only bother me if I felt that it was an excuse — rather than a genuine conflict.

I would say she has more flexibility than me. She is a SAHM of 2. She literally can do laundry anytime. She lives in a house with her own laundry. It isn’t like she has to take her laundry to a laundromat.

People think that SAHM somehow have all the free time in the world, when in reality they are usually busier than other moms, because they get no help for any chores, and especially with little ones, chores are endless and sleep is scarce.

Don’t resent your friend, but if you don’t like what’s going on, and something you’d like to do comes up, don’t cancel for her. Don’t go out of your way and then get blown off, but don’t be too harsh. If you want the friendship because of your daughter, suck it up and go with it, with a balance to where your daughter doesn’t feel expendable. Little ones are all feeling, and depending on how you do it, she may pick up or not on it.

Bullshit. A SAHM has way more time to do laundry than a working mom.

Ha seriously. I work from home and probably have more time to do laundry than some SAHMs do but there are very few scenarios where a SAHM has less time to do laundry than someone who has to commute in every day. Now, the examples about people living in apartments are certainly relevant- if you live in an apartment and in particular can only do laundry between certain times I would be less offended by you cancelling for laundry than for a SAHM of 2 who lives in a house with laundry.

Plus, the bolded applies to everyone

[Anonymous]

No

[Anonymous]

Some people are just like this. I wouldn't take it personally but I also wouldn't go out of my way to see them.

[Anonymous]

I only make same-day plans with known flakes, and I don't go out of my way. "We're hanging out at home today if you guys want to come over around 2 and swim!" or "we're headed to the park for a couple hours this morning, let me know if you want to meet up!"