Is it offensive if someone’s excuse not to hang out is laundry or grocery shopping?

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who never confirms plans until the day of. I have known her for about 3 years now. Our kids get along great and so do we. We hung out before and during Covid. During Covid, we all were just staying home so all our plans were very last minute and I was happy to just get out of the house.

Now I am much busier. She will say we should hang out next Tuesday or Wednesday with no set time or location. I don’t want to double book so leave it open for her. Then I will follow up and she will say she can’t because of some lame excuse. She would rather do laundry or go to Costco or target. I do all those things too. I can easily find another time to do laundry.

Would you feel offended if someone chose to cancel tentative plans for laundry or grocery shopping?

I feel like I would not accept this type of adult friendship but I am willing to take this crap because my daughter likes her daughter so much. Our kids are in preschool.

I have a childless friend who would tell our mutual friend she couldn’t meet because she had to do laundry. The mutual friend dropped my friend. I live out of town so I never had to deal with being cancelled on for laundry. Friend recently got divorced and is upset this one friend is not there for her. We were friends for 30 years. The friend has 2 kids and has a ton of laundry to do herself. She doesn’t have time to be blown off for laundry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who never confirms plans until the day of. I have known her for about 3 years now. Our kids get along great and so do we. We hung out before and during Covid. During Covid, we all were just staying home so all our plans were very last minute and I was happy to just get out of the house.

Now I am much busier. She will say we should hang out next Tuesday or Wednesday with no set time or location. I don’t want to double book so leave it open for her. Then I will follow up and she will say she can’t because of some lame excuse. She would rather do laundry or go to Costco or target. I do all those things too. I can easily find another time to do laundry.

Would you feel offended if someone chose to cancel tentative plans for laundry or grocery shopping?

I feel like I would not accept this type of adult friendship but I am willing to take this crap because my daughter likes her daughter so much. Our kids are in preschool.

I have a childless friend who would tell our mutual friend she couldn’t meet because she had to do laundry. The mutual friend dropped my friend. I live out of town so I never had to deal with being cancelled on for laundry. Friend recently got divorced and is upset this one friend is not there for her. We were friends for 30 years. The friend has 2 kids and has a ton of laundry to do herself. She doesn’t have time to be blown off for laundry.

Going forward you let her know since making plans in advance doesn't seem to work for her you won't be doing that anymore. She's welcome to call you when she's free and if you're available you'll meet up with her and the kids.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend like this. I just stopped scheduling with her when it would be a big problem if she flaked. So instead of carving out but chunks of time for her, I'll invite her to drop by on a Sunday afternoon when I'll be home anyway doing stuff around the house. If she comes, I take a break, if not, no problem. Better than doing my hair and makeup and outfit and coordinating kid care with my spouse to go to brunch with her, only to have her cancel last minute because she's so swamped with whatever.

[Anonymous]

PS to answer your question, yes, I get offended being cancelled on for laundry.

[Anonymous]

It’s not about you op, it’s her. That’s the way she is. She’s not someone who likes to plan and commit in advance, and frankly given that your kids are in preschool, depending on her circumstances she may find it harder to plan her days so much in advance.

Irrespective, No need to be offended, but no need to block your schedule for her either cause her lack of planning & flakiness should not be your problem either.

She’ll either adapt, or find her people who are also last minute “see what I feel like doing today” planners.

[Anonymous]

You have to meet people where they are at; if she has small kids, things come up. It's not a good idea for most people to make plans way in advance.

[Anonymous]

It’s nice that you can find other times to do laundry. Not everyone shares that level of flexibility. I have friends with tight schedules. Sometimes when we hang out, I go to their house or we run errands together — because my priority is maintaining the friendship, not just having someone who can go out when I can. It would only bother me if I felt that it was an excuse — rather than a genuine conflict.

[Anonymous]

I live in an apartment and share laundry with like 100 other tenants. I have to do laundry when the machines are free. I also sometimes have to go to up to four different places to find one that will give me a roll of quarters. Doing two loads of laundry can take me an entire day between trying to get a machine and finding quarters.

[Anonymous]

I don't make time for flakes anymore. A friend of mine made plans to meet me and my kids somewhere. So I got my toddlers dressed and in the car before she called and said she couldn't meet us until 2 hours later. I know she doesn't have kids and doesn't understand the effort involved in getting them ready for anything, but that is terrible.

[Anonymous]

Funny - this thread is half planners, and half flakes! I’m a planner myself. If I know I have plans, I schedule my housework and errands around them, and only cancel in dire situations.

I would say unless you want to stop making plans with her, make them for activities you would be fine going to alone, like a hike or class. Don’t tell your DD until the friend actually confirms she’s on her way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s nice that you can find other times to do laundry. Not everyone shares that level of flexibility. I have friends with tight schedules. Sometimes when we hang out, I go to their house or we run errands together — because my priority is maintaining the friendship, not just having someone who can go out when I can. It would only bother me if I felt that it was an excuse — rather than a genuine conflict.

I would say she has more flexibility than me. She is a SAHM of 2. She literally can do laundry anytime. She lives in a house with her own laundry. It isn’t like she has to take her laundry to a laundromat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I live in an apartment and share laundry with like 100 other tenants. I have to do laundry when the machines are free. I also sometimes have to go to up to four different places to find one that will give me a roll of quarters. Doing two loads of laundry can take me an entire day between trying to get a machine and finding quarters.

This was me for years with two kids who played sports, danced, etc. we also couldn’t do laundry between 9:30 pm and 7 am so yes, I did cancel social plans more than once so my kids had clean clothing to wear to school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Funny - this thread is half planners, and half flakes! I’m a planner myself. If I know I have plans, I schedule my housework and errands around them, and only cancel in dire situations.

I would say unless you want to stop making plans with her, make them for activities you would be fine going to alone, like a hike or class. Don’t tell your DD until the friend actually confirms she’s on her way.

There isn’t a dichotomy. I make plans, but I am smart enough to cancel them when they do not serve me well any longer. Life is too short to sit in a bar fretting over piles of laundry that you know you have to do. If you were my real friend, I’d have you over with a bottle of wine and great snacks while I did the laundry. We could chat or watch something streaming. I have done this with good friends at either of out houses and it was very relaxing and bonding.

[Anonymous]

Don’t block time or schedule around her. If you happen to be free when she wants to get together then great. If not then maybe next time. You know the deal after 3 years.

[Anonymous]

If you like being friends with her you have to be more flexible. Does she reach out and make plans or is it always you who makes plans? Maybe she has adhd or is an introvert and she isn’t as organized as you. Some days I just feel overwhelmed and need to stay home, and my good friends understand that.