"Walkaway Wife"

[Anonymous]

This is a great thread. So supportive and thoughtful. Unusual for this site. ❤️

[Anonymous]

Give yourself a timeline. You are going to try for 2 years and if it hasn't improved, you divorce. ANd during that time you should do 2 things-
1) do a Gottman Institute weekend seminar. Focus on appreciating each other. (the concept of 5:1 good to bad interactions)
2) take sex off the table for now. Still touch-hugs, snuggles but no sex. I think the pressure of "feeling something" or "I have to fall back in love" is actually stopping the feeling from growing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give yourself a timeline. You are going to try for 2 years and if it hasn't improved, you divorce. ANd during that time you should do 2 things-
1) do a Gottman Institute weekend seminar. Focus on appreciating each other. (the concept of 5:1 good to bad interactions)
2) take sex off the table for now. Still touch-hugs, snuggles but no sex. I think the pressure of "feeling something" or "I have to fall back in love" is actually stopping the feeling from growing.

I love #2 and I think that applies to other things too. I think forcing things can be counterproductive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you divorcing him because he didn't pay enough attention to you or because you find him physically undesirable?

I am not certain we are divorcing, but I guess I would describe it as he didn’t pay attention to my feelings and my communicated needs, which caused my romantic partnership feelings toward him to change/go away. Because of that change I find it very difficult to connect with him emotionally and sexually. Objectively he is physically desirable but I find myself shutting down at the prospect of sex.

If that’s the same as what you describe above then I guess the shorter version is “both.”

Just walk away! You cannot stay married without having sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a great thread. So supportive and thoughtful. Unusual for this site. ❤️

NP and agree! The pp's all contributed greatly. OP, you do introspection very well. I was waiting to find out that your kids are only 10/8. This is really the crux of it. It's not just about you. In fact, your struggle with the permanence of the decision is because of your kids. They're so young.

I also think your fixation on the word love is distracting you. It's really about trust. Very hard to tackle falling back in love or at the very least feeling love toward the father of you children without trust. That's what needs to be repaired.

Can you trust him again? As others said, he decided to fix things on his terms, when he was ready. You've stated this very clearly. Throughout this thread, all the work you've been doing is just business. How will you handle a divorce with kids. What will that look like long term, as another poster said. You've made peace with the business details which are most important for the kids sake. But work needs to be done on trusting him again.

It must be exhausting for you at this point, like you're all talked out emotionally. I've felt like this in my marriage sometimes. Love can't be forced. Trust might be salvaged. Just know that neither of you are the same as you were when you fell in love. None of us are. I think this needs to happen organically, but not before you search the depths of your heart and can say yes or no to trusting him again. Can you? Do you believe he's sincerely remorseful? Does he love you? Has he said he's still in love with you, still desires you, grateful for the incredible job you've done as the mother of his children?

It hit me hard when you said he now sees how great your kids are. That's a decade of trust right there. Not sure I could recover from that alone. Other suggest more therapy, more talking, more everything. I'm exhausted for you. I'd dip out of therapy and let him continue solo. Therapist should guide him from here. There's not much more you can contribute. It's his turn to do the work. You need to get back to the business of you. He must start walking the talk, first and foremost with your kids. He needs to earn their trust back. You need to feel secure that you can trust him to be the dad he wasn't. For now, don't think in terms of a timeline. Get to a point where you can like him again. Trust facilitates love, whatever that may be in this stage of your lives. I hope it happens for you. But you also seem very capable if it doesn't.

Sorry for the lengthy response. 💕

[Anonymous]

Op, you have been through a lot and even if consciously you understand his withdrawal and now rengagement, it sounds like something died inside, maybe you feel a form of betrayal and anger and you may not be as conscious of the intensity. It sounds like he deeply deeply hurt you in some profound way, in his not seeing you for all those years and maybe you were once angry or hurt but now feel mostly indifferent, or numb. I would just be as honest as possible...My one thought is that if you can get in touch with your disappointment or betrayal, feel it and and speak of that openly and he can hear it in a way where you feel seen and heard, then maybe there is hope. It sounds like you are in process together, the future is unknown. If and when it's time to go you will know.

[Anonymous]

Feeling indifference from a husband or wife, for years, is very damaging. On multiple levels. The work toward repair will be long and sometimes very hard....you are used to fantasies of leaving as well....as much as possible, see if you can turn away from that for awhile. Try to keep working on it but make sure he is working very hard too..Just turn toward him, in small acts of presence, day by day. You don't have to feel anything. Just keep turning toward him and relating in that moment as you have been. Over time that can be very powerful. Even if you divorce...it can be powerful. No one can predict how you will feel in a year or down the road. Just focus on the work now...this helped us get through times on the ledge. Good luck op.

[Anonymous]

You lost respect for him bc he ignored you and now you’re not sexually attracted to him. Divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's okay to leave a marriage, if it isn't what you want. Even after 20 years. Even after he tried hard to fix the problem. Sometimes it goes that way. Be kind to him, but take care of yourself. You don't have to stay for him.

Thank you. I am very concerned about hurting him and feel that that urge may be getting in the way of identifying and communicating what I think I want. He’s come a long enough way that he has requested that I be as direct with him as possible and not worry about sparing his feelings, and while I’ve otherwise done that I am really afraid that if I say I want to leave that it will be the wrong choice because of how far we’ve come. Like maybe if I give it a few more months, a year, etc then something will change in me.

Could there be deeper anger and resentment op that you are distancing from? You say you are concerned about hurting him but deep down is it possible that maybe you want to hurt him? Maybe you are holding yourself back from trusting him, like the article said...and maybe you need more time This would be understandable...he hurt you. You both sound so rational (intellectualized). Emotionally is your connection a live one? Is there emotional aliveness in some moments, whether tears, anger, sadness? If not can you talk about it? Was it thete once but now is not? I can't get a full read on your relationship. It sounds like you hold back saying hard things but honestly at this point...now is the time for you both to be brutally honest, with the help of your therapist. That's where breakthroughs happen I think.

[Anonymous]

OP, I responded earlier about love being a verb. I think it sounds like you feel pressured from being “in limbo” - you want an answer. I get that, because I tend to be the same way. In this situation, though, I think you have to take the time pressure off. There is no deadline. You could decide to stay now and change your mind in three years. You could decide that you are just going to give it more time and stop worrying about what the ultimate outcome will be. I think you will know when you have total certainty.

[Anonymous]

this is amazing
the second time this week that i feel like my wife is posting the story of our life here

Anonymous wrote:I just discovered this term and found this article: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/divorce-busting/200803/the-walkaway-wife-syndrome#:~:text=During%20the%20early%20years%20of,is%20right%20in%20the%20world. and I was shocked at the accuracy. I've been spending years in my marriage asking my spouse for more help, more time together, more engagement in the family as a unit, and asked to go to therapy multiple times over the years. Things finally came to a head right before covid when I basically pleaded with him for more support and he said he is "too ambitious" and could never give me the additional support I need. I felt the marriage was over, completely disconnected from him outside of simple logistical matters, and grieved the end of my marriage and wondered what I would do.

Well surprise, he (finally) noticed, wanted to work it out, (finally) agreed we should go to therapy. He had hit a professional rock bottom and turned to meditation and read multiple books and realized a lot of his previous mindset was his own ego. My heart was so closed and my feelings toward him had changed so significantly but I knew trying therapy was important, if nothing else as a last resort to ensure we had tried everything. We have been in couples for 9 months and we have made incredible progress in terms of open communication, sharing feelings, being intentional toward one another.

But I still just...don't love him romantically. I recognize and truly appreciate the work he has done. I feel a fondness for him and our history (almost 20 years). But I sometimes feel uncomfortable when we kiss, have sex (I have shared all this with him and he is understanding).

I'm/We're struggling with what to do next. Recently I reiterated that for the last few months of otherwise good progress my feelings toward him haven't changed. I think he found that really disheartening and I completely, completely understand why. But I also can't just pretend. It's been such a painful process to see the work we've put in and really try to be invested but not have it materialize. We're in a good position in all other aspects -- we've talked in detail about our plan if we were to divorce, we're as comfortable as can be with how it might "look" from a custody and financial perspective.

I've been doing my own work on the side, individual therapy for this whole time, reading, also trying to be intentional and affectionate when I do feel positively toward him and talking about it with him when I don't. My individual therapist suggested I need to try to figure out whether my pain and hurt is from past injuries that are still unresolved or whether my intuition is telling me what I want and I am ignoring it/forcing something that isn't there.

I guess I don't have a question just needed to put it out there. Anyone been in this situation and what happened?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

To your questions, sometimes I have flickers and thoughts and love that tell me I COULD do those things and live a life with him in this new relationship, even if it means I never fully love him as deeply as I did. But then I think it’s so painful, sometimes even physically painful, to feel like living that life with the deep love. And that I deserve a partner who sees me as an equal, respects my feelings/needs, and whom I love deeply and fully. Those flickers are what are keeping me in right now, hoping that they turn into something larger.

as one or two posters earlier said, love is a choice and action
suppose you choose to perform one act of love day
every day, with out expectation
and see how he responds/reacts now that he said he is willing to try
and you do that for a day, month, maybe a year.
brick by brick, step by step. just one loving action a day.
do you not think there is a chance for deep love to come back?

[Anonymous]

Of course, the money gone, now the love is lost.

You can leave, then when your ex is doing great and remarried, you will be sad and alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You lost respect for him bc he ignored you and now you’re not sexually attracted to him. Divorce.

But wait, she loved him when he kicked butt professionally. Just not now that he professionally hit rock bottom. He doesn't look so hot now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course, the money gone, now the love is lost.

You can leave, then when your ex is doing great and remarried, you will be sad and alone.

How awesome to get 4 pages of thoughtful advice before trolling begins. Well done PPs.