"Walkaway Wife"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:dear OP/walk away wife
I'm a guy and feel like you could be my wife posting.
I liked the article you posted. I liked some of the respones you got here but was a bit disappointed to know that most of the responses were encouraging you to move on.

just thought of highlighting a para from the article. hope you read and reconsider:

But for so many women it’s “too little, too late,” or “I know this is not going to last. If I stay in this marriage, you will go back to your old shenanigans,” which, though completely understandable, is nonetheless tragic. That’s because, rather than feign “appropriate husband behavior,” most of these men sincerely undergo a personal transformation that shifts their priorities forever. They typically make great second husbands. Every time a near-walkaway wife or her husband enters my office, I’m determined to do what I can to open her heart and mind to see the profound changes in her man.

I’m not OP but was in a similar marriage.

The fact that you’re “disappointed” and using excerpts from the article to guilt her shows you haven’t changed all that much.

Someone who truly did inner work would find it completely understandable for their wife to leave, and wouldn’t try to guilt them into staying.

And rarely do I see men truly change. It’s almost always an act. Mine did all this “personal transformation”, even had multiple therapists verify it for me. But when I decided to divorce anyway, he went right back to being the jerk he always was. True transformation would have been humbly accepting consequences for behavior.

You’re still thinking in terms of what is best for YOU. Not what is best for your wife. If the majority of people are telling her to leave, it’s probably in her best interest to leave. If you love her, you do what is best for her, not for you.

[Anonymous]

Am I the only one who thinks OP sounds needy and exhausting?

[Anonymous]

Narcissists won’t stop being narcissists. Unf the second wife will find out in a year or two what the kids and first wife already know. When the going gets tough, you have a lying, self serving, manipulative narc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one who thinks OP sounds needy and exhausting?

Maybe, maybe not, but it’s an absolutely ridiculous reaction to her situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:dear OP/walk away wife
I'm a guy and feel like you could be my wife posting.
I liked the article you posted. I liked some of the respones you got here but was a bit disappointed to know that most of the responses were encouraging you to move on.

just thought of highlighting a para from the article. hope you read and reconsider:

But for so many women it’s “too little, too late,” or “I know this is not going to last. If I stay in this marriage, you will go back to your old shenanigans,” which, though completely understandable, is nonetheless tragic. That’s because, rather than feign “appropriate husband behavior,” most of these men sincerely undergo a personal transformation that shifts their priorities forever. They typically make great second husbands. Every time a near-walkaway wife or her husband enters my office, I’m determined to do what I can to open her heart and mind to see the profound changes in her man.

I’m not OP but was in a similar marriage.

The fact that you’re “disappointed” and using excerpts from the article to guilt her shows you haven’t changed all that much.

Someone who truly did inner work would find it completely understandable for their wife to leave, and wouldn’t try to guilt them into staying.

And rarely do I see men truly change. It’s almost always an act. Mine did all this “personal transformation”, even had multiple therapists verify it for me. But when I decided to divorce anyway, he went right back to being the jerk he always was. True transformation would have been humbly accepting consequences for behavior.

You’re still thinking in terms of what is best for YOU. Not what is best for your wife. If the majority of people are telling her to leave, it’s probably in her best interest to leave. If you love her, you do what is best for her, not for you.

Thank you, this comment was so off-putting. Im glad you left, and sorry for what you went though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's okay to leave a marriage, if it isn't what you want. Even after 20 years. Even after he tried hard to fix the problem. Sometimes it goes that way. Be kind to him, but take care of yourself. You don't have to stay for him.

Interesting - OP’s complaint is essentially that he was selfish for too long. Now she can be selfish and leave just after he has done the work etc. I do hope her husband finds a better partner, if that is his choice post divorce

Well here’s a twisted response to neglect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's okay to leave a marriage, if it isn't what you want. Even after 20 years. Even after he tried hard to fix the problem. Sometimes it goes that way. Be kind to him, but take care of yourself. You don't have to stay for him.

Interesting - OP’s complaint is essentially that he was selfish for too long. Now she can be selfish and leave just after he has done the work etc. I do hope her husband finds a better partner, if that is his choice post divorce

Well here’s a twisted response to neglect.

Seriously that comment is messed up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one who thinks OP sounds needy and exhausting?

Needy for working, raising the kids herself, and managing th e whole house and family all by herself!

Thankfully she’s seen the light of her unappreciative workaholic spouse’s true colors. Too late for his attempt at damage control. Trust is gone. Why take a flyer and waste more time on the slim off chance that he’s suddenly a caring, involved, responsive life partner and not just love bombing for a a year. Like he did when dating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's okay to leave a marriage, if it isn't what you want. Even after 20 years. Even after he tried hard to fix the problem. Sometimes it goes that way. Be kind to him, but take care of yourself. You don't have to stay for him.

Interesting - OP’s complaint is essentially that he was selfish for too long. Now she can be selfish and leave just after he has done the work etc. I do hope her husband finds a better partner, if that is his choice post divorce

After 20 years of begging him to do work, he finally did, only because he saw she was checked out and that would negatively impact his life.

It would be another story if he had done it early on because he saw his wife was unhappy. But if you’re selfish for the entire marriage, and then change only for selfish reasons, you can’t be surprised when your spouse finally decides to do what is best for them.

I don’t really understand why we excuse men for being selfish, but as soon as a woman is, she’s a terrible person and we root for the husband to find someone better.

Seriously. Why do we say that after 20 years of selfishness, the woman just has to forgive immediately and bust her ass to fall back in love?

[Anonymous]

This is OP. Thank you so very much for all the thoughtful and insightful comments. To try to answer some PPs:

Yes I do feel like something died inside early last year. Each time I shared my needs over the years and he brushed them off — more quality time together, more help with the kids (both logistically and in an engaging in their lives kind of way), more sharing stressors and feelings instead of turning inward — it was like a smalll cut, a small betrayal and abandonment for me. (It took me a couple months of my own therapy to even use those words to describe it). Additionally there were some larger injuries that also felt like abandonments peppered in there. Then when we had the last major conversation about me needing more of his participation and support and he literally said “I can’t give you that” it felt like a bomb just dropped and squashed a part of me, the part that had suffered these smaller cuts over and over. How do you heal from that?

We are both very logical, grounded people and that is helpful for many things in life but not sharing your feelings!! We have come so far. In my own self improvement I have recognized that I thought I was being a great communicator all those times I brought up my needs but that in hindsight I rarely used strong language to describe what I was feeling. I am better able to do that now — we both have more language to articulate our concerns and fears and feelings now and we both recognize that will serve us well no matter what happens.

I agree that maybe this is about trust. Being able to trust that he’ll continue to step up his parenting, his family engagement, his setting work boundaries, and his openness and communication with me. He has been doing better at all of those but maybe I need more proof over time that those will “stick” which can help re-build my trust in him as a partner.

This week I specifically said what I need from him right now is that he get into his own individual therapy. He’s done a lot of personal improvement on his own but I think it’s plateaued and I think what I may be missing is a stronger feeling that he is accountable for what he contributed to this situation. One of his mantras has been “it’s a two way street” and while I do truly believe that, I do blame him more for the situation we’re in and unless he can see that and acknowledge it I think that will be an obstacle. I told him this and I hope he can spend some of his own time navigating that concept. I had suggested it a few times but only this week did I specifically say I need him to do that. He already found someone and is going to initiate.

We are still going to continue with couples but we did move from every week to every other week since we have been consistently able to talk to each other openly at home outside our sessions. But I hope that as he explores his own therapy that those sessions will continue to be productive and create breakthroughs.

I am also going to start building out some of my time to do other things that are important to me, which I hope will be not only personally rewarding but will help me sift through some of my wants and needs for our relationship.

It’s very difficult to strike a balance between him giving me space and us spending time together and being intentional and choosing love actively. At one point we discussed possibly separating and trying that out but we are both concerned it will make it too easy to slide into the next phase and divorce.

I like what some PPs said about what a true transformation might look like — he has genuinely said that if I chose not to stay together and we divorced, he would completely understand why. That gives me some reassurance that he can see my perspective unlike before, and he understands his role in how we got here.

We are trying to make sure that if we quit this we do it because in the end it’s not right, not because it’s just hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thank you so very much for all the thoughtful and insightful comments. To try to answer some PPs:

Yes I do feel like something died inside early last year. Each time I shared my needs over the years and he brushed them off — more quality time together, more help with the kids (both logistically and in an engaging in their lives kind of way), more sharing stressors and feelings instead of turning inward — it was like a smalll cut, a small betrayal and abandonment for me. (It took me a couple months of my own therapy to even use those words to describe it). Additionally there were some larger injuries that also felt like abandonments peppered in there. Then when we had the last major conversation about me needing more of his participation and support and he literally said “I can’t give you that” it felt like a bomb just dropped and squashed a part of me, the part that had suffered these smaller cuts over and over. How do you heal from that?

We are both very logical, grounded people and that is helpful for many things in life but not sharing your feelings!! We have come so far. In my own self improvement I have recognized that I thought I was being a great communicator all those times I brought up my needs but that in hindsight I rarely used strong language to describe what I was feeling. I am better able to do that now — we both have more language to articulate our concerns and fears and feelings now and we both recognize that will serve us well no matter what happens.

I agree that maybe this is about trust. Being able to trust that he’ll continue to step up his parenting, his family engagement, his setting work boundaries, and his openness and communication with me. He has been doing better at all of those but maybe I need more proof over time that those will “stick” which can help re-build my trust in him as a partner.

This week I specifically said what I need from him right now is that he get into his own individual therapy. He’s done a lot of personal improvement on his own but I think it’s plateaued and I think what I may be missing is a stronger feeling that he is accountable for what he contributed to this situation. One of his mantras has been “it’s a two way street” and while I do truly believe that, I do blame him more for the situation we’re in and unless he can see that and acknowledge it I think that will be an obstacle. I told him this and I hope he can spend some of his own time navigating that concept. I had suggested it a few times but only this week did I specifically say I need him to do that. He already found someone and is going to initiate.

We are still going to continue with couples but we did move from every week to every other week since we have been consistently able to talk to each other openly at home outside our sessions. But I hope that as he explores his own therapy that those sessions will continue to be productive and create breakthroughs.

I am also going to start building out some of my time to do other things that are important to me, which I hope will be not only personally rewarding but will help me sift through some of my wants and needs for our relationship.

It’s very difficult to strike a balance between him giving me space and us spending time together and being intentional and choosing love actively. At one point we discussed possibly separating and trying that out but we are both concerned it will make it too easy to slide into the next phase and divorce.

I like what some PPs said about what a true transformation might look like — he has genuinely said that if I chose not to stay together and we divorced, he would completely understand why. That gives me some reassurance that he can see my perspective unlike before, and he understands his role in how we got here.

We are trying to make sure that if we quit this we do it because in the end it’s not right, not because it’s just hard.

sounds like you are not at point of divorce. don't let anonymous strangers on the web push you over the edge one way or another
20 years is a lot to give up without deep thought, effort and maybe a bit of a fight.
give him some grace
trust but verify
it sounds like he and you will both be OK if indeed you decide to part ways. that should take some pressure/burden off to try a little bit more
best wishes

[Anonymous]

youngest kid is 8, that's 10 years of the same or a blip then the same. or total transformation and bliss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

We are trying to make sure that if we quit this we do it because in the end it’s not right, not because it’s just hard.

OP this really resonated. Appreciate the thought you are putting in and it will let you feel confident in the outcome, whatever it ends up being.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

To your questions, sometimes I have flickers and thoughts and love that tell me I COULD do those things and live a life with him in this new relationship, even if it means I never fully love him as deeply as I did. But then I think it’s so painful, sometimes even physically painful, to feel like living that life with the deep love. And that I deserve a partner who sees me as an equal, respects my feelings/needs, and whom I love deeply and fully. Those flickers are what are keeping me in right now, hoping that they turn into something larger.

as one or two posters earlier said, love is a choice and action
suppose you choose to perform one act of love day
every day, with out expectation
and see how he responds/reacts now that he said he is willing to try
and you do that for a day, month, maybe a year.
brick by brick, step by step. just one loving action a day.
do you not think there is a chance for deep love to come back?

Ugh, she’s been doing loving shit for 20 years, while he toddles around doing god knows what, but not thinking about her! And now SHE has to be the one doing even more work?! No thank you. He should be her slave for the next 20. OP, if he’s not treating you like an absolute goddess right now, there is just no point. His behavior now, while he’s trying to woo you back, is as good as it is ever going to get. So think about whether or not his behavior RIGHT NOW is what you can live with for the rest of your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just discovered this term and found this article: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/divorce-busting/200803/the-walkaway-wife-syndrome#:~:text=During%20the%20early%20years%20of,is%20right%20in%20the%20world. and I was shocked at the accuracy. I've been spending years in my marriage asking my spouse for more help, more time together, more engagement in the family as a unit, and asked to go to therapy multiple times over the years. Things finally came to a head right before covid when I basically pleaded with him for more support and he said he is "too ambitious" and could never give me the additional support I need. I felt the marriage was over, completely disconnected from him outside of simple logistical matters, and grieved the end of my marriage and wondered what I would do.

I disagree with the above article.

I would think you told him many times and in many ways what you needed, and he declined to care or notice or adapt. He may have even escalated things for the worse.

Maybe now he is semi-retired or in a less intense job or sports or friends situation, and convenient for him will finally take the time to listen to you or spend time. It's convenient for him.

I don't know. Can you continue on as is? Loveless but OK companions? Travel buddies, stay together for the adult kids? Or is it too insulting for you to do so. I feel you will have parallel lives whether you stay together or not.

Is there anything he has said or can do to make it up for you for the last 10-20 years? Does he do what he says he's going to do?

Yes this checks out — he has a bit more flexible hours than previously and also finally sees how great his kids are and how he wants to do more with them. So yes it has definitely been on his terms/schedule. To be fair he says he wouldn’t have been in a position to invest in and succeed at therapy if we went a few years ago. I understand that but it’s still frustrating that we are doing a lot of this on his terms.

I felt responsible for being the caretaker of the marriage for so long and now I feel responsible if we divorce because it’s “up to me.” Feels like lose-lose sometimes.

To your questions, sometimes I have flickers and thoughts and love that tell me I COULD do those things and live a life with him in this new relationship, even if it means I never fully love him as deeply as I did. But then I think it’s so painful, sometimes even physically painful, to feel like living that life with the deep love. And that I deserve a partner who sees me as an equal, respects my feelings/needs, and whom I love deeply and fully. Those flickers are what are keeping me in right now, hoping that they turn into something larger.

Have you considered that your "deep love" might have been tied up in always having to fight for his attention? Maybe now that he has shifted his focus you aer just less attracted to him because he is more available?

Look, if he really did change, I think you should stay. You have kids and you have a husband who is treating you well and respectfully and with whom you share a history. Stop overthinking this and asking yourself over and over if you're in "deep" love. Lower your expectations around romantic passion (but not around consideration, respect, and kindness).