"Walkaway Wife"

[Anonymous]

Yes, am going through this.

Once I saw a scary side of him several times in 2021, it was clear that the best thing to do for the children and myself was to exit.

I know how bad he can be and no amount of therapy, forgiving, trying things will repair the abuse he's done. His words and platitudes mean nothing.

[Anonymous]

To paraphrase, “Too little, too late.”

[Anonymous]

Have you read His needs, Her needs? It's a little old fashioned, and extremely gendered, but it talks a view that different people need different things to feel in love. It also has a concept of a love bank - that we each have a love bank where withdraws and deposits are made. The author would say your love bank is depleted, and that is possible to fall back in love, and your partner has to help you fall back in love with him by making deposits in your bank the meet your individual needs.

Again, crazy old fashioned, very gendered, but yet the concepts can work and you can take some insights from this book.

Here's a website page:
https://www.marriagebuilders.com/the-love-bank.htm

Essentially, you're asking "can I fall back in love with my husband?"

The answer might be yes and it might be no. As someone says above, love is a verb. I'd change up what you've been trying and shift into thinking - what did I love about this person? What can I love about him? Focus on romantic love and see if the spark can reignite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t read the article, but I was in a similar position.

I think it’s largely because misogynistic societal expectations that women need to tolerate poor behavior from partners. That if we expect better, we’re high maintenance, crazy, disloyal, that’s just how men are, etc. Then once marriage and especially kids arrive, we’re expected to tolerate it because divorce is bad, and we need to do what’s best “for the kids”.

So we tolerate it and are unhappy for years, until one day we just stop caring. All the love is gone. And that’s when men notice and decide to change, but it’s too late. After years of begging for our needs to be met, we’re just done. The love doesn’t come back no matter what men do to fix things.

There is also a lot of resentment because men *could* do these things all along, they just chose not to until it impacted THEM and their needs.

Whereas if we had high standards and held men to them right from the get-go, we’d either really up before marriage and/or kids, or they would understand the expectations needed to be met or the relationship would end immediately.

+1

Funny how once the hard work of raising toddlers, kids, teens is over they then expect the focus to shift to romping around with them to places. Yet were AWOL for 20 years as a life partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's okay to leave a marriage, if it isn't what you want. Even after 20 years. Even after he tried hard to fix the problem. Sometimes it goes that way. Be kind to him, but take care of yourself. You don't have to stay for him.

Thank you. I am very concerned about hurting him and feel that that urge may be getting in the way of identifying and communicating what I think I want. He’s come a long enough way that he has requested that I be as direct with him as possible and not worry about sparing his feelings, and while I’ve otherwise done that I am really afraid that if I say I want to leave that it will be the wrong choice because of how far we’ve come. Like maybe if I give it a few more months, a year, etc then something will change in me.

Just don't take a permanent solution to a potentially temporary problem. Think ahead. What if one of you gets sick, who will care for you and your kids? What do you want to look back on in 25 years?

+1. Seriously think about what divorce looks like, him finding someone else who could be a parent in your kids' lives. All of the effort from your end will benefit someone else most likely. Give yourself some grace so that you can move on with your resentment?

Thanks PPs. That is my greatest fear, that this feels permanent to me but isn’t, and I will make a decision to divorce based on it and will regret that decision.

We have talked about the divorce logistics ad nauseum because those concerns and uncertainties were our biggest surface fears. Getting that out of the way from a logical standpoint has helped us open up more about deeper feelings.

The thing is, I *have* thought about those alternate futures. I’ve thought about him getting remarried quickly, introducing someone to the kids. I’ve thought about living alone (partly) and if I never find another partner. I thought about those possibilities constantly last year when I thought our marriage was effectively over. I grieved what I thought was the beginning of the end, grieved it hard and alone, and while I know it would be tough, I made peace with a lot of those possible futures when I thought it was over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t read the article, but I was in a similar position.

I think it’s largely because misogynistic societal expectations that women need to tolerate poor behavior from partners. That if we expect better, we’re high maintenance, crazy, disloyal, that’s just how men are, etc. Then once marriage and especially kids arrive, we’re expected to tolerate it because divorce is bad, and we need to do what’s best “for the kids”.

So we tolerate it and are unhappy for years, until one day we just stop caring. All the love is gone. And that’s when men notice and decide to change, but it’s too late. After years of begging for our needs to be met, we’re just done. The love doesn’t come back no matter what men do to fix things.

There is also a lot of resentment because men *could* do these things all along, they just chose not to until it impacted THEM and their needs.

Whereas if we had high standards and held men to them right from the get-go, we’d either really up before marriage and/or kids, or they would understand the expectations needed to be met or the relationship would end immediately.

Yes that is one of the most frustrating parts and I said this to him the other night. I took me basically falling off an emotional cliff for him to notice the severity, and it wasn’t until HE started feeling my pulling away that HE decided “okay I agree to therapy now.”

I feel like it would be much easier to come to a decision that felt right if he had not made so much progress in his mindset. This is why the article suggests that these men who have made real changes make great second husbands! When I do feel like I want to leave, I feel much less justified in that path because he is doing “the work” and I see the positive changes of it.

Oh brother. Of course someone like that would rather hit the RESET button with another woman and put his last 20 years of neglect under the rug.

[Anonymous]

Seems like you were and still are checked out of the marriage so what's does the other stuff matter? It doesn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To paraphrase, “Too little, too late.”

This is OP, yes that is what it feels like much of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To paraphrase, “Too little, too late.”

agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seems like you were and still are checked out of the marriage so what's does the other stuff matter? It doesn't.

I was checked out yes, and I’ve checked back “in” but not all the way in, which is something we’re both aware of and have discussed. It’s getting impossible for both of us to live this way but we are trying not to just give up because it’s easier. We’re trying but I also can’t force myself to feel connected to him and to love him fully again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you read His needs, Her needs? It's a little old fashioned, and extremely gendered, but it talks a view that different people need different things to feel in love. It also has a concept of a love bank - that we each have a love bank where withdraws and deposits are made. The author would say your love bank is depleted, and that is possible to fall back in love, and your partner has to help you fall back in love with him by making deposits in your bank the meet your individual needs.

Again, crazy old fashioned, very gendered, but yet the concepts can work and you can take some insights from this book.

Here's a website page:
https://www.marriagebuilders.com/the-love-bank.htm

Essentially, you're asking "can I fall back in love with my husband?"

The answer might be yes and it might be no. As someone says above, love is a verb. I'd change up what you've been trying and shift into thinking - what did I love about this person? What can I love about him? Focus on romantic love and see if the spark can reignite.

Thank you for this. I’ve heard and read a little about the love bank and that’s definitely what it felt like. That I gave all I could to be the caretaker of the relationship and got very little back, and I’m depleted. But also it doesn’t really feel like I’m empty and just need him to give more, it feels more like…a pie chart with my different love feelings toward him with once slice that turned into stone. Okay that sounds dramatic but I’m trying to explain what it feels like for me lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just discovered this term and found this article: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/divorce-busting/200803/the-walkaway-wife-syndrome#:~:text=During%20the%20early%20years%20of,is%20right%20in%20the%20world. and I was shocked at the accuracy. I've been spending years in my marriage asking my spouse for more help, more time together, more engagement in the family as a unit, and asked to go to therapy multiple times over the years. Things finally came to a head right before covid when I basically pleaded with him for more support and he said he is "too ambitious" and could never give me the additional support I need. I felt the marriage was over, completely disconnected from him outside of simple logistical matters, and grieved the end of my marriage and wondered what I would do.

I disagree with the above article.

I would think you told him many times and in many ways what you needed, and he declined to care or notice or adapt. He may have even escalated things for the worse.

Maybe now he is semi-retired or in a less intense job or sports or friends situation, and convenient for him will finally take the time to listen to you or spend time. It's convenient for him.

I don't know. Can you continue on as is? Loveless but OK companions? Travel buddies, stay together for the adult kids? Or is it too insulting for you to do so. I feel you will have parallel lives whether you stay together or not.

Is there anything he has said or can do to make it up for you for the last 10-20 years? Does he do what he says he's going to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems like you were and still are checked out of the marriage so what's does the other stuff matter? It doesn't.

I was checked out yes, and I’ve checked back “in” but not all the way in, which is something we’re both aware of and have discussed. It’s getting impossible for both of us to live this way but we are trying not to just give up because it’s easier. We’re trying but I also can’t force myself to feel connected to him and to love him fully again.

You checked out now AFTER he was checked out for a couple decades. I hope he sees that and gets that. It's damaging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's okay to leave a marriage, if it isn't what you want. Even after 20 years. Even after he tried hard to fix the problem. Sometimes it goes that way. Be kind to him, but take care of yourself. You don't have to stay for him.

I did this. We have grown kids and get along fine.

We both remarried.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems like you were and still are checked out of the marriage so what's does the other stuff matter? It doesn't.

I was checked out yes, and I’ve checked back “in” but not all the way in, which is something we’re both aware of and have discussed. It’s getting impossible for both of us to live this way but we are trying not to just give up because it’s easier. We’re trying but I also can’t force myself to feel connected to him and to love him fully again.

This is the problem despite everything else you mention regardless of your DH's progress. You're either checked in or out. Standing in the doorway doesn't work.