If you found out your spouse was cheating by snooping…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I am sorry.

She doesn't get to be mad she cheated. That's deflection gas lighting/

+1000 The fact she lambasted you for snooping is a real smack in the face and indicates her pathology runs deeper than you think. Google DARVO. She is not a healthy partner and won't be without lots of time, deep self-awareness and therapy. Run don't walk away from this woman and read Cheating in a Nutshell. Helped me understand all the things I was feeling when my ex cheated.

Her response to the cheating discovery is AWFUL. People like that aren’t sorry or remorseful, at least not yet. Blaming you for snooping? I would be done right there, what a blame-shifter. She should be 100% transparent now, passwords, phone availability, face timing if she has to go to an appointment without you, etc. She should willingly be doing all of this without even having to be asked.

My spouse calmly confirmed affair was true and spilled, sang like a bird. Spouse was also in therapy and had already ended it prior to finding out, but not once was I ever blamed for anything. Took 100% responsibility and gave 150% effort to try to rectify the hurt and pain. Showed incredible remorse and sorrow. Took over everything at home and still 2 years later cooks all dinners, brings me coffee in bed, is always present and engaged. Fought hard for me, kids and family. Continues with individual therapy and we still do couples 1-2 times per month. The relationship is better now than pre-affair and we are looking forward to an empty nest in a few years.

It’s such an awful thing, OP. You don’t have to decide today. And if you start towards reconciliation, it doesn’t mean you can’t divorce later if you don’t think it’s working. But she really needs to be doing a lot of work right now. Watch her actions, not her words.

+1,000,000 to all of this! People who've violated trust think that the reveal and the apology are "enough" and then the betrayed partner feels so much pressure to accept the apology and move on. But NO. The one who had the affair needs to actively and diligently rebuild trust with their partner, and this can only happen by being transparent, and by owning and understanding what they did.

+100
Yes!

[Anonymous]

If you’re snooping, the trust is gone, and the relationship is probably over.

If your partner is cheating, the relationship is definitely over.

I’m sorry OP. It’s really hard at first, but it gets better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I am sorry.

She doesn't get to be mad she cheated. That's deflection gas lighting/

+1000 The fact she lambasted you for snooping is a real smack in the face and indicates her pathology runs deeper than you think. Google DARVO. She is not a healthy partner and won't be without lots of time, deep self-awareness and therapy. Run don't walk away from this woman and read Cheating in a Nutshell. Helped me understand all the things I was feeling when my ex cheated.

Her response to the cheating discovery is AWFUL. People like that aren’t sorry or remorseful, at least not yet. Blaming you for snooping? I would be done right there, what a blame-shifter. She should be 100% transparent now, passwords, phone availability, face timing if she has to go to an appointment without you, etc. She should willingly be doing all of this without even having to be asked.

My spouse calmly confirmed affair was true and spilled, sang like a bird. Spouse was also in therapy and had already ended it prior to finding out, but not once was I ever blamed for anything. Took 100% responsibility and gave 150% effort to try to rectify the hurt and pain. Showed incredible remorse and sorrow. Took over everything at home and still 2 years later cooks all dinners, brings me coffee in bed, is always present and engaged. Fought hard for me, kids and family. Continues with individual therapy and we still do couples 1-2 times per month. The relationship is better now than pre-affair and we are looking forward to an empty nest in a few years.

It’s such an awful thing, OP. You don’t have to decide today. And if you start towards reconciliation, it doesn’t mean you can’t divorce later if you don’t think it’s working. But she really needs to be doing a lot of work right now. Watch her actions, not her words.

PP your comments about your spouse completely broke me heart because yeah… mine hasn’t made any steps towards regaining my trust, and every time I ask a question she seems put out. I cried reading this. But thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I found out my spouse was having an affair by going through her texts. I confronted her, it was really ugly and heartbreaking with a lot of begging for forgiveness, and I was told that it was mostly an emotional affair with some kissing and handholding. Something still was not sitting right with me. The following day I engaged in some higher level snooping and found out that there was sex. So basically everything I found out so far has been through snooping. While my spouse is very apologetic and there has been a great deal of crying and emotional turmoil on both sides, she has made a few snarky (and serious) remarks about her total lack of privacy at my hands. I did apologize for my actions but I’m trying to get her to understand that, so far, she has not made any progress towards regaining my trust. Over the past week there have several layers of incredible deceit.

Double-edge sword because depending on how you snooped, she can have you arrested for it. This only matters if there will be divorce proceedings and you think you will use the information you found as evidence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I found out my spouse was having an affair by going through her texts. I confronted her, it was really ugly and heartbreaking with a lot of begging for forgiveness, and I was told that it was mostly an emotional affair with some kissing and handholding. Something still was not sitting right with me. The following day I engaged in some higher level snooping and found out that there was sex. So basically everything I found out so far has been through snooping. While my spouse is very apologetic and there has been a great deal of crying and emotional turmoil on both sides, she has made a few snarky (and serious) remarks about her total lack of privacy at my hands. I did apologize for my actions but I’m trying to get her to understand that, so far, she has not made any progress towards regaining my trust. Over the past week there have several layers of incredible deceit.

Double-edge sword because depending on how you snooped, she can have you arrested for it. This only matters if there will be divorce proceedings and you think you will use the information you found as evidence.

Oh please, OP is not going to be arrested for the snooping. Some of you do not live in the real world.

OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Maybe your DW will come to her senses and be fully remorseful and try to make it right. You sound like a nice person and you'll be okay either way, in time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I found out my spouse was having an affair by going through her texts. I confronted her, it was really ugly and heartbreaking with a lot of begging for forgiveness, and I was told that it was mostly an emotional affair with some kissing and handholding. Something still was not sitting right with me. The following day I engaged in some higher level snooping and found out that there was sex. So basically everything I found out so far has been through snooping. While my spouse is very apologetic and there has been a great deal of crying and emotional turmoil on both sides, she has made a few snarky (and serious) remarks about her total lack of privacy at my hands. I did apologize for my actions but I’m trying to get her to understand that, so far, she has not made any progress towards regaining my trust. Over the past week there have several layers of incredible deceit.

Double-edge sword because depending on how you snooped, she can have you arrested for it. This only matters if there will be divorce proceedings and you think you will use the information you found as evidence.

Oh please, OP is not going to be arrested for the snooping. Some of you do not live in the real world.

OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Maybe your DW will come to her senses and be fully remorseful and try to make it right. You sound like a nice person and you'll be okay either way, in time.

Probably not but it can be an issue if there is a divorce/legal proceedings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the kidder above.
More seriously:

This is all about trust. Trust and how to earn it back.
She cheated. Can you trust her again? How can she earn back your trust? Lying a second time is a bad bad thing that makes it worse.

She will need to trust you again too. This is a much smaller deal but it does exist if you will ever get back to a functional relationship again. You snooped on her life. Frankly, she had it coming. She lied. If she wants to be able to hide things from you again, you both need to agree on what those things might be and if you both can trust each other about them.

If she doesn’t tell you everything and then a year from now you find out more incriminating acts she kept secret, man, it sets the timetable for recovery and trust back to zero. Death by a thousand paper cuts, this piecemeal reveal.

She needs to provide a timeline and facts, overnights, when and how they meet, etc. You need to know the means she used to conceal it—-was it internet messaging, was it in your home, when/what days times would they meet, etc.

I don’t understand why people want to know this. The only things that matter are a) she did it and b) it’s over. The key part is b), and that is stays over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I am sorry.

She doesn't get to be mad she cheated. That's deflection gas lighting/

+1000 The fact she lambasted you for snooping is a real smack in the face and indicates her pathology runs deeper than you think. Google DARVO. She is not a healthy partner and won't be without lots of time, deep self-awareness and therapy. Run don't walk away from this woman and read Cheating in a Nutshell. Helped me understand all the things I was feeling when my ex cheated.

Her response to the cheating discovery is AWFUL. People like that aren’t sorry or remorseful, at least not yet. Blaming you for snooping? I would be done right there, what a blame-shifter. She should be 100% transparent now, passwords, phone availability, face timing if she has to go to an appointment without you, etc. She should willingly be doing all of this without even having to be asked.

My spouse calmly confirmed affair was true and spilled, sang like a bird. Spouse was also in therapy and had already ended it prior to finding out, but not once was I ever blamed for anything. Took 100% responsibility and gave 150% effort to try to rectify the hurt and pain. Showed incredible remorse and sorrow. Took over everything at home and still 2 years later cooks all dinners, brings me coffee in bed, is always present and engaged. Fought hard for me, kids and family. Continues with individual therapy and we still do couples 1-2 times per month. The relationship is better now than pre-affair and we are looking forward to an empty nest in a few years.

It’s such an awful thing, OP. You don’t have to decide today. And if you start towards reconciliation, it doesn’t mean you can’t divorce later if you don’t think it’s working. But she really needs to be doing a lot of work right now. Watch her actions, not her words.

PP your comments about your spouse completely broke me heart because yeah… mine hasn’t made any steps towards regaining my trust, and every time I ask a question she seems put out. I cried reading this. But thank you.

OP, I am so, so sorry. This has been heartbreaking enough and so mentally traumatizing and I imagine how worse it is for those whose spouse’s have completely given up on the marriage. I wish you all the best and know your will ultimately be okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. What’s the point of evidence gathering — in the event of divorce/custody battles? I’m in a no-fault state so doesn’t that mean adultery/infidelity doesn’t factor in? Honestly even discussing divorce turns my stomach. This sucks.

So I divorced a cheater. Is there anyway you can just have an open relationship? Be roommates?

Evidence gathering is for your own validation/peace of mind, you are right that it won't help inba divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the kidder above.
More seriously:

This is all about trust. Trust and how to earn it back.
She cheated. Can you trust her again? How can she earn back your trust? Lying a second time is a bad bad thing that makes it worse.

She will need to trust you again too. This is a much smaller deal but it does exist if you will ever get back to a functional relationship again. You snooped on her life. Frankly, she had it coming. She lied. If she wants to be able to hide things from you again, you both need to agree on what those things might be and if you both can trust each other about them.

If she doesn’t tell you everything and then a year from now you find out more incriminating acts she kept secret, man, it sets the timetable for recovery and trust back to zero. Death by a thousand paper cuts, this piecemeal reveal.

She needs to provide a timeline and facts, overnights, when and how they meet, etc. You need to know the means she used to conceal it—-was it internet messaging, was it in your home, when/what days times would they meet, etc.

I don’t understand why people want to know this. The only things that matter are a) she did it and b) it’s over. The key part is b), and that is stays over.

Everyone’s different, but I wanted NO secrets. Some therapists want to protect the betrayed by advising not full disclosure.

I am somebody that wanted to know EVERYTHING and I asked some pretty nasty questions and she would be horrified to know what I was told. The reason: I wanted the walls and secrets broken down. I was able to talk to the AP before she knew she was discovered. The details and dates matched exactly. The “type” of affair matched, etc.

The most important things to learn is the ways they lied and how they communicated, when abs how they met, etc. And first I wanted a name so I could confront the person.

Some people might not to want to know the level of detail I needed or want to ever confront the OW/OM. I wanted no secrets or to be left wondering. I also wanted her to be damn sure I knew everything and it was dangling that I could fully out her to her husband at anytime It took almost a year before I stopped asking questions and not once did spouse tell me to stop/enough. Then, I needed to focus on healing and move on.

Most important is figuring out the “why” when nothing seemed wrong. It often has zero to do wit the spouse, the marriage or the sex life. It’s hard to hear “it wasn’t about you” when it feels like a direct assault on you. Therapy, therapy, therapy …individual and couples

[Anonymous]

^DP. It will also show where the true loyalty lies. Are they willing to cover/protect the Ho or do they throw them under the bus because they mean nothing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^DP. It will also show where the true loyalty lies. Are they willing to cover/protect the Ho or do they throw them under the bus because they mean nothing?

Do you think cheater who throws the AP under the bus deserves a second chance? Serious question because it happened to me and I didn’t give my ex a second chance. Does it really demonstrate loyalty or will the cheater conspire with the AP after the fact and laugh about how they got caught? Call me a cynic but that’s a scenario I imagine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^DP. It will also show where the true loyalty lies. Are they willing to cover/protect the Ho or do they throw them under the bus because they mean nothing?

Do you think cheater who throws the AP under the bus deserves a second chance? Serious question because it happened to me and I didn’t give my ex a second chance. Does it really demonstrate loyalty or will the cheater conspire with the AP after the fact and laugh about how they got caught? Call me a cynic but that’s a scenario I imagine.

Depends. How was the break up? My spouse has ended it BEFORE I found out and then there under the bus by giving me every single detail, name, address, etc. Ain’t a chance in hell these two cheaters are talking as he was brutal when he ended it and she let me know. They absolutely despise each other and had been fighting and not talking for awhile prior to him pretty brutally ending it by the things he said.

But a cheater that was caught and lays low is another thing entirely.

[Anonymous]

^ similar situation and it happened during the pandemic and I heard his very first individual therapy season (he doesn’t know) because it had to be virtual due to Covid and he was up in attic. Therapist asked him and he said AP meant absolutely nothing and he didn’t like her at all. It was over, he ended it, deleted any means for her to reach him and not a chance in hell was he going to ever contact her and if she ever did- he would notify me immediately. Since she’s married and doesn’t work that’s a death knell for her and would have no qualms letting her spouse know everything.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I do know the OW. I think it’s over but honestly I can’t be completely sure, but I definitely do not think my wife is over it and in fact she’s just been continuing to freeze me out and hasn’t committed to wanting to save our 16 year marriage. I know the writing is on the wall but I can’t imagine breaking up this marriage, this family we fought so so hard for. I’m completely heartbroken. It doesn’t feel real. Yes… I know I sound pathetic.