If you found out your spouse was cheating by snooping…

[Anonymous]

Op, please ensure you had your own therapist. You need someone to guide you and support you. I'm.so sorry for the pain you are in. My only other advice , given your spouse's attitude, is to do the 180. Primarily for yourself but also because right now, your spouse feels she has the power, she holds the cards. Don't let her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I found out my spouse was having an affair by going through her texts. I confronted her, it was really ugly and heartbreaking with a lot of begging for forgiveness, and I was told that it was mostly an emotional affair with some kissing and handholding. Something still was not sitting right with me. The following day I engaged in some higher level snooping and found out that there was sex. So basically everything I found out so far has been through snooping. While my spouse is very apologetic and there has been a great deal of crying and emotional turmoil on both sides, she has made a few snarky (and serious) remarks about her total lack of privacy at my hands. I did apologize for my actions but I’m trying to get her to understand that, so far, she has not made any progress towards regaining my trust. Over the past week there have several layers of incredible deceit.

She is trying to find a way to place the blame for you over her bad behavior. You have every right to snoop given it was an affair. Get a divorce and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I do know the OW. I think it’s over but honestly I can’t be completely sure, but I definitely do not think my wife is over it and in fact she’s just been continuing to freeze me out and hasn’t committed to wanting to save our 16 year marriage. I know the writing is on the wall but I can’t imagine breaking up this marriage, this family we fought so so hard for. I’m completely heartbroken. It doesn’t feel real. Yes… I know I sound pathetic.

Why? Because you are male?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I do know the OW. I think it’s over but honestly I can’t be completely sure, but I definitely do not think my wife is over it and in fact she’s just been continuing to freeze me out and hasn’t committed to wanting to save our 16 year marriage. I know the writing is on the wall but I can’t imagine breaking up this marriage, this family we fought so so hard for. I’m completely heartbroken. It doesn’t feel real. Yes… I know I sound pathetic.

Why? Because you are male?

Probably because society (and 99% of people on this board, I might add) blame the betrayed (they must not have been doing X, they must have been denying sex, or they were a jerk, nag, etc.) and if they choose to reconcile, stay, it's because they are weak and they will only be cheated on again.

All of those narratives above are such utter and complete myths.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I do know the OW. I think it’s over but honestly I can’t be completely sure, but I definitely do not think my wife is over it and in fact she’s just been continuing to freeze me out and hasn’t committed to wanting to save our 16 year marriage. I know the writing is on the wall but I can’t imagine breaking up this marriage, this family we fought so so hard for. I’m completely heartbroken. It doesn’t feel real. Yes… I know I sound pathetic.

Why? Because you are male?

OP here. I am a female...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I do know the OW. I think it’s over but honestly I can’t be completely sure, but I definitely do not think my wife is over it and in fact she’s just been continuing to freeze me out and hasn’t committed to wanting to save our 16 year marriage. I know the writing is on the wall but I can’t imagine breaking up this marriage, this family we fought so so hard for. I’m completely heartbroken. It doesn’t feel real. Yes… I know I sound pathetic.

Why? Because you are male?

Probably because society (and 99% of people on this board, I might add) blame the betrayed (they must not have been doing X, they must have been denying sex, or they were a jerk, nag, etc.) and if they choose to reconcile, stay, it's because they are weak and they will only be cheated on again.

All of those narratives above are such utter and complete myths.

+1,000

They are re-victimized. It’s why they suffer in silence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^DP. It will also show where the true loyalty lies. Are they willing to cover/protect the Ho or do they throw them under the bus because they mean nothing?

Do you think cheater who throws the AP under the bus deserves a second chance? Serious question because it happened to me and I didn’t give my ex a second chance. Does it really demonstrate loyalty or will the cheater conspire with the AP after the fact and laugh about how they got caught? Call me a cynic but that’s a scenario I imagine.

Depends. How was the break up? My spouse has ended it BEFORE I found out and then there under the bus by giving me every single detail, name, address, etc. Ain’t a chance in hell these two cheaters are talking as he was brutal when he ended it and she let me know. They absolutely despise each other and had been fighting and not talking for awhile prior to him pretty brutally ending it by the things he said.

But a cheater that was caught and lays low is another thing entirely.

Some women have to stay because of finances and kids. The AP wasn't the problem to begin with, he was and still is. You talk about them despising each other, BUT I would despise him for backstabbing our family. Either way I would move on and he would merely be a added paycheck. He'll likely do it again at some point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I am sorry.

She doesn't get to be mad she cheated. That's deflection gas lighting/

Yes isn't it amazing a few on here are blaming the one catching them? If a spouse has nothing to hide they don't care if you look at their phone or whatever. A secretive person is a red flag to begin with. You see that quite often. That was #1 red flag while dating....among others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I am sorry.

She doesn't get to be mad she cheated. That's deflection gas lighting/

Yes isn't it amazing a few on here are blaming the one catching them? If a spouse has nothing to hide they don't care if you look at their phone or whatever. A secretive person is a red flag to begin with. You see that quite often. That was #1 red flag while dating....among others.

Totally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I do know the OW. I think it’s over but honestly I can’t be completely sure, but I definitely do not think my wife is over it and in fact she’s just been continuing to freeze me out and hasn’t committed to wanting to save our 16 year marriage. I know the writing is on the wall but I can’t imagine breaking up this marriage, this family we fought so so hard for. I’m completely heartbroken. It doesn’t feel real. Yes… I know I sound pathetic.

Your heartbreak is understandable and as someone who has been in this situation it is the worst. But you can get through it OP and your kids will be okay. It’s hard to see now but with time you will see that moving on is the best choice and what you’re grieving now wasn’t as good as you thought it was.
Don’t bother snooping or it’d you do - say nothing. This is a rabbit hole you don’t have to go down

[Anonymous]

Yes before I caught my DJ cheating, he would constantly call me nosy. I would ask him who texted or who he was emailing constantly. He would say work and stop being so nosy. It made me feel like there was something wrong with me. He locked all his devices and we could never use his iPad. He made me feel as though there was something wrong with me. It worked bc I never snooped. I couldn’t. His AP contActed me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I do know the OW. I think it’s over but honestly I can’t be completely sure, but I definitely do not think my wife is over it and in fact she’s just been continuing to freeze me out and hasn’t committed to wanting to save our 16 year marriage. I know the writing is on the wall but I can’t imagine breaking up this marriage, this family we fought so so hard for. I’m completely heartbroken. It doesn’t feel real. Yes… I know I sound pathetic.

You are not pathetic! You are a normal person reacting normally to having your world rocked.

[Anonymous]

They always get mad, dear. That's the script.