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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I was the kidder above. 
More seriously:

This is all about trust.  Trust and how to earn it back.
She cheated. Can you trust her again? How can she earn back your trust? Lying a second time is a bad bad thing that makes it worse.

She will need to trust you again too. This is a much smaller deal but it does exist if you will ever get back to a functional relationship again.  You snooped on her life. Frankly, she had it coming. She lied. If she wants to be able to hide things from you again, you both need to agree on what those things might be and if you both can trust each other about them.[/quote]

If she doesn’t tell you everything and then a year from now you find out more incriminating acts she kept secret, man, it sets the timetable for recovery and trust back to zero.  Death by a thousand paper cuts, this piecemeal reveal.

She needs to provide a timeline and facts, overnights, when and how they meet, etc.  You need to know the means she used to conceal it—-was it internet messaging, was it in your home, when/what days times would they meet, etc.[/quote]

I don’t understand why people want to know this. The only things that matter are a) she did it and b) it’s over. The key part is b), and that is stays over. [/quote]

Everyone’s different, but I wanted NO secrets.  Some therapists want to protect the betrayed by advising not full disclosure.

I am somebody that wanted to know EVERYTHING and I asked some pretty nasty questions and she would be horrified to know what I was told.  The reason: I wanted the walls and secrets broken down.  I was able to talk to the AP before she knew she was discovered.  The details and dates matched exactly.  The “type” of affair matched, etc.

The most important things to learn is the ways they lied and how they communicated, when abs how they met, etc.  And first I wanted a name so I could confront the person.

Some people might not to want to know the level of detail I needed or want to ever confront the OW/OM.  I wanted no secrets or to be left wondering. I also wanted her to be damn sure I knew everything and it was dangling that I could fully out her to her husband at anytime  It took almost a year before I stopped asking questions and not once did spouse tell me to stop/enough.  Then, I needed to focus on healing and move on.

Most important is figuring out the “why” when nothing seemed wrong.  It often has zero to do wit the spouse, the marriage or the sex life.  It’s hard to hear “it wasn’t about you” when it feels like a direct assault on you.  Therapy, therapy, therapy  …individual and couples[/quote]

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