If you found out your spouse was cheating by snooping…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It’s complicated. I love her and we have 3 kids who would be destroyed by a completely broken home.

All parties are women btw. Me, spouse, OW.

Apologies for assuming you and the OW were men. Doesn’t change the answer though, she doesn’t get privacy right now.

Do you want to stay married? I’d guess therapy is the only way. This was a lot of deception for a spouse to get over without some kind of help.

Thank you and yes, the levels of deceptions (appointments, weekends with friends, etc) and the things said in the texts I read were completely crushing. I don’t really understand how people can engage in affairs and come home to their husbands, wives, families. An impulsive one-night thing I can get. This has broken me. Yes we had already scheduled our first therapy session for next week. We scheduled it when it was clear something was going on with her but before all of this came to light

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It’s complicated. I love her and we have 3 kids who would be destroyed by a completely broken home.

All parties are women btw. Me, spouse, OW.

Apologies for assuming you and the OW were men. Doesn’t change the answer though, she doesn’t get privacy right now.

Do you want to stay married? I’d guess therapy is the only way. This was a lot of deception for a spouse to get over without some kind of help.

Thank you and yes, the levels of deceptions (appointments, weekends with friends, etc) and the things said in the texts I read were completely crushing. I don’t really understand how people can engage in affairs and come home to their husbands, wives, families. An impulsive one-night thing I can get. This has broken me. Yes we had already scheduled our first therapy session for next week. We scheduled it when it was clear something was going on with her but before all of this came to light

I’m so sorry. You really can’t understand the intense pain and trauma unless you have experienced it in a long marriage. OP, it’s tough. I know. I’m still not over finding out my spouse’s affair a year later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It’s complicated. I love her and we have 3 kids who would be destroyed by a completely broken home.

All parties are women btw. Me, spouse, OW.

Apologies for assuming you and the OW were men. Doesn’t change the answer though, she doesn’t get privacy right now.

Do you want to stay married? I’d guess therapy is the only way. This was a lot of deception for a spouse to get over without some kind of help.

Thank you and yes, the levels of deceptions (appointments, weekends with friends, etc) and the things said in the texts I read were completely crushing. I don’t really understand how people can engage in affairs and come home to their husbands, wives, families. An impulsive one-night thing I can get. This has broken me. Yes we had already scheduled our first therapy session for next week. We scheduled it when it was clear something was going on with her but before all of this came to light

I’m so sorry. You really can’t understand the intense pain and trauma unless you have experienced it in a long marriage. OP, it’s tough. I know. I’m still not over finding out my spouse’s affair a year later.

Thank you. Did you divorce, or make it work? Maybe I should start a new thread: how to recover from this.

[Anonymous]

I tracked my ex's iphone when I was 9 months pregnant to his girlfriend's house from 9pm to midnight. He said he was "helping her move furniture" and kept calling me "crazy" for tracking his phone. The gas lighting went on for 2 more years before I finally got the nerve to talk to anyone about it and then leave, and outside that mess of a relationship, I consider myself a pretty put together, educated person who makes pretty good decisions.... So my vote is to continue snooping and keep records of all of it, just for your own sanity!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I found out my spouse was having an affair by going through her texts. I confronted her, it was really ugly and heartbreaking with a lot of begging for forgiveness, and I was told that it was mostly an emotional affair with some kissing and handholding. Something still was not sitting right with me. The following day I engaged in some higher level snooping and found out that there was sex. So basically everything I found out so far has been through snooping. While my spouse is very apologetic and there has been a great deal of crying and emotional turmoil on both sides, she has made a few snarky (and serious) remarks about her total lack of privacy at my hands. I did apologize for my actions but I’m trying to get her to understand that, so far, she has not made any progress towards regaining my trust. Over the past week there have several layers of incredible deceit.

Same with my wife. Then I found out she had been banging him for 3 years and it wasn’t even her first affair! Thanks Ashley Madison.

Trust me, they will never tell you everything. There is always much more. She also had them in our house.

Done. Can’t fix this.

You've told your story as the wife many times. Now you're pretending to be a man? FFS.

[Anonymous]

OP I am sorry.

She doesn't get to be mad she cheated. That's deflection gas lighting/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I found out my spouse was having an affair by going through her texts. I confronted her, it was really ugly and heartbreaking with a lot of begging for forgiveness, and I was told that it was mostly an emotional affair with some kissing and handholding. Something still was not sitting right with me. The following day I engaged in some higher level snooping and found out that there was sex. So basically everything I found out so far has been through snooping. While my spouse is very apologetic and there has been a great deal of crying and emotional turmoil on both sides, she has made a few snarky (and serious) remarks about her total lack of privacy at my hands. I did apologize for my actions but I’m trying to get her to understand that, so far, she has not made any progress towards regaining my trust. Over the past week there have several layers of incredible deceit.

Same with my wife. Then I found out she had been banging him for 3 years and it wasn’t even her first affair! Thanks Ashley Madison.

Trust me, they will never tell you everything. There is always much more. She also had them in our house.

Done. Can’t fix this.

You've told your story as the wife many times. Now you're pretending to be a man? FFS.

Omg PP. It is a same sex marriage which I think I made clear a couple posts in.

[Anonymous]

Don't be a chump. If you find out from snooping, first you gather all evidence THEN you confront. If you accuse they will just deny and do a better job of hiding.
And of course they are going to play the aggrieved :how dare you accuse me" card. People with nothing to hide respond, "I have nothing to hide, look at whatever you want".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I am sorry.

She doesn't get to be mad she cheated. That's deflection gas lighting/

+1000 The fact she lambasted you for snooping is a real smack in the face and indicates her pathology runs deeper than you think. Google DARVO. She is not a healthy partner and won't be without lots of time, deep self-awareness and therapy. Run don't walk away from this woman and read Cheating in a Nutshell. Helped me understand all the things I was feeling when my ex cheated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I am sorry.

She doesn't get to be mad she cheated. That's deflection gas lighting/

+1000 The fact she lambasted you for snooping is a real smack in the face and indicates her pathology runs deeper than you think. Google DARVO. She is not a healthy partner and won't be without lots of time, deep self-awareness and therapy. Run don't walk away from this woman and read Cheating in a Nutshell. Helped me understand all the things I was feeling when my ex cheated.

Her response to the cheating discovery is AWFUL. People like that aren’t sorry or remorseful, at least not yet. Blaming you for snooping? I would be done right there, what a blame-shifter. She should be 100% transparent now, passwords, phone availability, face timing if she has to go to an appointment without you, etc. She should willingly be doing all of this without even having to be asked.

My spouse calmly confirmed affair was true and spilled, sang like a bird. Spouse was also in therapy and had already ended it prior to finding out, but not once was I ever blamed for anything. Took 100% responsibility and gave 150% effort to try to rectify the hurt and pain. Showed incredible remorse and sorrow. Took over everything at home and still 2 years later cooks all dinners, brings me coffee in bed, is always present and engaged. Fought hard for me, kids and family. Continues with individual therapy and we still do couples 1-2 times per month. The relationship is better now than pre-affair and we are looking forward to an empty nest in a few years.

It’s such an awful thing, OP. You don’t have to decide today. And if you start towards reconciliation, it doesn’t mean you can’t divorce later if you don’t think it’s working. But she really needs to be doing a lot of work right now. Watch her actions, not her words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I am sorry.

She doesn't get to be mad she cheated. That's deflection gas lighting/

+1000 The fact she lambasted you for snooping is a real smack in the face and indicates her pathology runs deeper than you think. Google DARVO. She is not a healthy partner and won't be without lots of time, deep self-awareness and therapy. Run don't walk away from this woman and read Cheating in a Nutshell. Helped me understand all the things I was feeling when my ex cheated.

Sadly, this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's rich when lying cheaters feel justified in complaining about your character flaws.

DTMFA

It’s a particular abuse technique called DARVO - Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Defender.

Kind of like a version of “the best defense is a good offense”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I am sorry.

She doesn't get to be mad she cheated. That's deflection gas lighting/

+1000 The fact she lambasted you for snooping is a real smack in the face and indicates her pathology runs deeper than you think. Google DARVO. She is not a healthy partner and won't be without lots of time, deep self-awareness and therapy. Run don't walk away from this woman and read Cheating in a Nutshell. Helped me understand all the things I was feeling when my ex cheated.

Her response to the cheating discovery is AWFUL. People like that aren’t sorry or remorseful, at least not yet. Blaming you for snooping? I would be done right there, what a blame-shifter. She should be 100% transparent now, passwords, phone availability, face timing if she has to go to an appointment without you, etc. She should willingly be doing all of this without even having to be asked.

My spouse calmly confirmed affair was true and spilled, sang like a bird. Spouse was also in therapy and had already ended it prior to finding out, but not once was I ever blamed for anything. Took 100% responsibility and gave 150% effort to try to rectify the hurt and pain. Showed incredible remorse and sorrow. Took over everything at home and still 2 years later cooks all dinners, brings me coffee in bed, is always present and engaged. Fought hard for me, kids and family. Continues with individual therapy and we still do couples 1-2 times per month. The relationship is better now than pre-affair and we are looking forward to an empty nest in a few years.

It’s such an awful thing, OP. You don’t have to decide today. And if you start towards reconciliation, it doesn’t mean you can’t divorce later if you don’t think it’s working. But she really needs to be doing a lot of work right now. Watch her actions, not her words.

+1,000,000 to all of this! People who've violated trust think that the reveal and the apology are "enough" and then the betrayed partner feels so much pressure to accept the apology and move on. But NO. The one who had the affair needs to actively and diligently rebuild trust with their partner, and this can only happen by being transparent, and by owning and understanding what they did.

[Anonymous]

Person A puts tracking software on person Bs computer. Person B wasn't being 100% faithful but when person B needed an update on their computer the tracking software was discovered and it turned out that Person A hadn't deleted all the files accumulated and in fact had themself been having an affair that predated anything B was doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I found out my spouse was having an affair by going through her texts. I confronted her, it was really ugly and heartbreaking with a lot of begging for forgiveness, and I was told that it was mostly an emotional affair with some kissing and handholding. Something still was not sitting right with me. The following day I engaged in some higher level snooping and found out that there was sex. So basically everything I found out so far has been through snooping. While my spouse is very apologetic and there has been a great deal of crying and emotional turmoil on both sides, she has made a few snarky (and serious) remarks about her total lack of privacy at my hands. I did apologize for my actions but I’m trying to get her to understand that, so far, she has not made any progress towards regaining my trust. Over the past week there have several layers of incredible deceit.

Same with my wife. Then I found out she had been banging him for 3 years and it wasn’t even her first affair! Thanks Ashley Madison.

Trust me, they will never tell you everything. There is always much more. She also had them in our house.

Done. Can’t fix this.

You've told your story as the wife many times. Now you're pretending to be a man? FFS.

Omg PP. It is a same sex marriage which I think I made clear a couple posts in.

I wasn't accusing the OP of changing sexes. I was accusing the PP who responded to you with the Ashley Madison comment.