Did your spouse ever emotionally or verbally abuse you?

[Anonymous]

Worst abuse by my ex-spouse was selfishness and indifference.

[Anonymous]

OP, just so you know, this will only get worse after kids. I'm not sure I would call it abuse, but I'm familiar with this communication style - when you bring up an issue, he blows it up, blames it on you, without ever being open to discussing, so that you are afraid to bring it up again. It's a type of defensive reaction to something that causes him discomfort or anxiety. This is completely not ok, and you should not tolerate it. You need to either have a come to jesus moment and let him know that this way of communicating is a dealbreaker for you. And if it's not something that he can change, you need to let him know that this marriage is not going to work for you and be ready to end it. You deserve better than to be treated like this in a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Threats of divorce, not veiled, are pretty abusive, basically they are the nuclear option in a marital disagreement.

+1.

OP, these other PPs are missing the point. Your DH and you don't know how to communicate.

It's pretty clear that your DH gets anxious when you bring up conversations that are very important/very heavy. So his lame strategy is to avoid, avoid, procastinate the conversation.

And you are anxious too. So your strategy is to threaten with divorce. You guys should have been in therapy a long time ago. And you should go to therapy if you want to stay. If you don't want to stay, leave. Stop threatening divorce left and right. How many times have you threatened him with divorce already? You are trying to be manipulative, and it is having the opposite effect of what you intended.

More likely she’s trying different things to get him to respond normally. Shock tactic doesn’t work.

And perhaps it’s not a threat. She knows inside that his stonewalling and lack of verbal communication skills are damaging the relationship, marriage and future.

He sounds on the spectrum and won’t ever communicate well. Among other deficits.

Unwind this marriage stat.

So she is seeking a "normal" response by behaving "abnormally". .. We can all see how that is working out for her. Yes, his stonewalling, lack of verbal communication skills are damaging the relationship. So are her meaningless threats.

It’s not a threat.

She knows that whenever she says something important or that she’s hurting or that XYZ needs talking through and he refuses to discuss the issue at hand, there is no relationship. Certainly not a life partner relationship. What his underlying issue is doesn’t matter, he’s defective as a person. Stop blaming Op, she needs to get stronger and divorce. There is no future with this type.

[Anonymous]

Look into As/Nt relationships, get a therapist, talk to 3 lawyers, pick one, don’t bother mediating w someone who cannot speak straight, file for divorce, communicate lawyer to lawyer on and recorded text apps.

You’ll be free in a year and slowly get back to your good self.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Threats of divorce, not veiled, are pretty abusive, basically they are the nuclear option in a marital disagreement.

+1.

OP, these other PPs are missing the point. Your DH and you don't know how to communicate.

It's pretty clear that your DH gets anxious when you bring up conversations that are very important/very heavy. So his lame strategy is to avoid, avoid, procastinate the conversation.

And you are anxious too. So your strategy is to threaten with divorce. You guys should have been in therapy a long time ago. And you should go to therapy if you want to stay. If you don't want to stay, leave. Stop threatening divorce left and right. How many times have you threatened him with divorce already? You are trying to be manipulative, and it is having the opposite effect of what you intended.

More likely she’s trying different things to get him to respond normally. Shock tactic doesn’t work.

And perhaps it’s not a threat. She knows inside that his stonewalling and lack of verbal communication skills are damaging the relationship, marriage and future.

He sounds on the spectrum and won’t ever communicate well. Among other deficits.

Unwind this marriage stat.

So she is seeking a "normal" response by behaving "abnormally". .. We can all see how that is working out for her. Yes, his stonewalling, lack of verbal communication skills are damaging the relationship. So are her meaningless threats.

It’s not a threat.

She knows that whenever she says something important or that she’s hurting or that XYZ needs talking through and he refuses to discuss the issue at hand, there is no relationship. Certainly not a life partner relationship. What his underlying issue is doesn’t matter, he’s defective as a person. Stop blaming Op, she needs to get stronger and divorce. There is no future with this type.

OP here. I understanding threats of divorce are not cool or normal but I am tired and exhausted of being shut down rudely and disrespectfully every time I bring up a topic that is uncomfortable for him to think through or gives him anxeity. He actually tells me, " this topic stresses me out so stop!"

He tries to go through life avoiding stress or anxiety by...pushing things under the rug. Also lets talk about how abnormal it is that a thirty something man cannot talk about NORMAL life logistics whether that is money, planning for children or anything substantial. The thought ofhaving a baby gives me anxiety too, but I realize that's part of the process.

Also I realize what a terrible and cruel partner he is becoming. He obviously was NOT like this when I married him and then 2 years later its like he changed. I almost feel like he was putting on a show of being the kind of man I would fall in love with and now that he has me "trapped" he is showing his true colors.

None of my complaints or desires elicit an appropriate response from him. He becomes emotionally abusive at worst and stonewalling and cold at best to get out of any real conversation about our life.

At this point, I don't know if I am left with any reasonable option besides divorce. Which believe me I DO NOT WANT AT ALL. WHO wants to be a 34 year old divorcee? I probably will be single and childless for life. And poor! As I do not have a good job as I was hoping to be a SAHM or part time working mom as my husband makes good money.

This is so awful.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read all the responses, but I'm sorry you're going through this OP. My partner and I have 3 kids and my partner also suffers from a lot of anxiety that manifests as anger towards me usually but then also impatience and irritability with the kids. I don't think I ever could have predicted this behavior pre-kids since there weren't really any issues, so I can't really imagine how awful it would be if my partner had ALREADY been in a state of anxiety and defensiveness or whatever BEFORE kids. All this is to say I really do think you should move on. 34 isn't too old to find someone and start a new life. Maybe freeze some eggs for peace of mind after you split, if you are financially able to do so.