Did your spouse ever emotionally or verbally abuse you?

[Anonymous]

He’s a control freak and the only thing you can really do is file for divorce. Actions speak louder than words and right now he isn’t listening to you. Filing may really shake him up in a positive way or just confirm that he is wrong for you.

[Anonymous]

Ask if he is open to see a marriage counselor. If not, then you don't want to bring a child into an abusive situation. It will just get worse as the stress increases and the money decreases. He will also be this way towards your defenseless child. Love is not enough when there is an engrained pattern of behavior. What are his parents like?

[Anonymous]

Divorce now. This will get worse with kids. Do not bring kids into this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are experiencing passive-aggressive BS.

At a minimum.

Yes this stonewalling and avoiding real verbal communication with your wife is a pattern and serious issue. With such a big topic it is doubly serious.
Your gut is right. He is leading you on— doesn’t matter why (passive aggressive, clueless, misogynist, narcissist, mental disorder, etc.), this will likely get worse and worse. Especially with a child.

Is he able to discuss and talk about anything? Or does he throw a mini temper tantrum, walk off, never circle back, never resolve anything?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The way you initiated the conversation was pretty aggressive. When he said now was not a good time to discuss it, you continued on and threatened divorce. How did you expect him to react?

Well...to be honest, he NEVER thinks its a "good time". I probably was aggressive but I am fed up and tired of waiting for something that is so important to me. He always said he wanted kids so I am confused about the stalling. And he isn't eager to seriously address it with me or make a plan.

Might be his Mo. be no responsive and try to aggravate you (then attract you personally) or get you to give up. Either way he’s training you to never talk or he tries to escalate everything into an argument. I bet you nicely asked 2-5 times and he ignored or talked down, then you say it louder or “aggressively” or walk away. Win win win for him. Lose lose lose for the relationship or issue to resolve.

Divorce. Sorry. But he’s not an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not emotional or verbal abuse. This is a couple who have a deep difference in priorities, coping strategies and communication. Also your timing is not good. Maybe set up a time to talk about it not as a complaint where you are asking him to do emotional labor but as a problem solving session in which you will need to first understand your own action points and be prepared to follow through. Counseling may make it easier to get to a resolution.

Yeah. You could try a few more normal therapy things with this guy.

Say please and thank you.
Ask for a good time to discuss things. Put it on calendar. Hope for the best.
Make lists and technology reminder systems.
Date night! Date night with abusive spouses always works, right?
Couples counseling and let home rewrite the narrative to be a victim.
Let it go! Don’t nag. Don’t expect anything.
Hire a cleaning lady! She’ll make those tough family decisions for you, right!?
Go on a vacation together! Sweep everything under the rug yet again and take a great time with a psychopath!

Do you want to know how many abused wives and children are trapped in an abuse cycle because of the above inappropriate “advice??”

[Anonymous]

My husband has never abused me emotionally or verbally and we have been very happy for a long time. But I have experienced that kind of abuse at work and I can’t imagine the pain of experiencing it with a spouse. The best thing I did was to quit the job and move on to something better. I know it’s much more difficult in a marriage but since you don’t have children it can be a clean break if he is not willing to change.

[Anonymous]

DH would never do this. Ever ever.

I think you'll be happier without him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The way you initiated the conversation was pretty aggressive. When he said now was not a good time to discuss it, you continued on and threatened divorce. How did you expect him to react?

Well...to be honest, he NEVER thinks its a "good time". I probably was aggressive but I am fed up and tired of waiting for something that is so important to me. He always said he wanted kids so I am confused about the stalling. And he isn't eager to seriously address it with me or make a plan.

Might be his Mo. be no responsive and try to aggravate you (then attract you personally) or get you to give up. Either way he’s training you to never talk or he tries to escalate everything into an argument. I bet you nicely asked 2-5 times and he ignored or talked down, then you say it louder or “aggressively” or walk away. Win win win for him. Lose lose lose for the relationship or issue to resolve.

Divorce. Sorry. But he’s not an adult.

Op here.

Yep. Basically its his way or the highway. Anything he doesn't want to do or makes him uncomfortable, he will shut down by shutting me up.

Our interactions go like this:

Me talking excitedly and warmly about something important to me that he agreed to/demonstrated enthusiasm for previously.

years pass and no progress

I bring it up as a reminder, I am casually brushed off and told "relax" it will happen. or "be happy everything is ok"

I wait some more but start getting anxious and stressed

I address the issue more urgently/aggresively.

He gets defensive and acts like I am INSANE for being "rude". He will yell and call me names. And run off.

I am confused, scared and become quiet and drop the topic.

A few months later I feel sad there is no movement and bring it up angrily/passive aggresively. He states he "doesn't want a fight" and will leave and walk away or blow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are experiencing passive-aggressive BS.

At a minimum.

Yes this stonewalling and avoiding real verbal communication with your wife is a pattern and serious issue. With such a big topic it is doubly serious.
Your gut is right. He is leading you on— doesn’t matter why (passive aggressive, clueless, misogynist, narcissist, mental disorder, etc.), this will likely get worse and worse. Especially with a child.

Is he able to discuss and talk about anything? Or does he throw a mini temper tantrum, walk off, never circle back, never resolve anything?

OMG - ALL of this. OP, please. I had a child with a man like this, but it was during a time where he got "better" or so it seemed. He didnt. Once our daughter was here, he was a FANTASTIC dad to her for exactly 4 years, meanwhile I was thinking now THIS is the guy I married. I wasnt wrong! I was wrong. The moment she got old enough to challenge him (5) and by challenge I mean exhibiting normal childhood behaviors, he lost his s***. He began treating me horribly and eventually her horribly (at random times) When he charged at me in front of her that was IT.

I divorced him, he gave me custody of her, since the difficulty of parenting was something he was NEVER into. I am remarried, and now she is 14 and she is still putting the pieces back together.

I have no regrets that I had her. And it would have been sad not to. BUT, had I a crystal ball LIKE YOU ARE BEING GIVEN HERE TODAY, maybe just maybe I would have reconsidered.

BUT, I know full well I was not willing to accept that I already knew there was something wrong with him. He was diagnosed with NPD and as you can imagine that didnt go over well with him and he refused all help. He also has other issues.
BUt it all began with crap like what you described.

Emotional and verbal abuse is a sign of something BAD and also what you need to hear is : THE REASONS FOR THE ABUSE DONT MATTER. I made the mistake thinking he wanted to get better because he said so. He was dx'd with depression and anxiety as well, and ADHD, and tried medication and was MAD that it WORKED. In fact, that is when he really went downhill and became more narcissistic, leading to the diagnosis.

By accepting his behavior on the assumption that it is temporary, and thinking it will pass under other circumstances, you are setting yourself up for a life of torment and suffering.

Divorcing him wont be easy either. But trust me, if you cant handle it now when you ahve a kid with him you dont even want to know how terrible it will be to try to divroce then.

"NO DINNER FOR YOU" Punishing authortitative behavior. Wait till he does that to your 5 year old. Ask me how I know he will.

[Anonymous]

Ditto to the above. Untreated mental disorders are no joke and stress from work and verbal kids just blow them up. They abuse those in their nice safe home while trying to preserve their Smart Family Guy image at work. Unfortunately they keep trying to use their own kids are props and ego boosters. So sad.

Get out now. No kids with this defective type. Or you will be in for a world of hurt, and so will the kids.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t see you say anything about this, but, in case this is an issue, don’t stay because you feel bad for him. If he doesn’t have a mental health issue he will be better off getting help alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you evert get it to stop?

My husband of 7 years has become emotionally and verbally abusive over the past 2 years. An example from last night:

We have been discussing having children for a while but we have not been able to due to a lower HHI. Lately we are finally making money and my clock is ticking so I am eager to get started. He seems to completely forget about it or it is not a priority. He always says yes ok and then...we havent started trying.

Yesterday he was cutting some vegetables and preparing dinner when I felt sad and asked him if he really ever wanted kids. He gets angry and responds with a sharp, " I don't want to do this right now."

Whenever I try to talk about subjects that are important to me he shuts me down like that. Irritated, I continue and say I feel like he is stringing me along as I am already 34 and I have waited a long time to have children. I say that if this continues I may have no choice but to move on.
He is now visibly angry and he tells me sharply, " OK. No dinner for you! You can make your own dinner! That was not ok" and slips in his headphones and ignores me.

I shut up and leave to go buy my own dinner.

We do not speak the rest of the evening and nor this morning.

I feel like I am being shut down.

I'm not trying to diminish what you are justifiably feeling, but this isn't abuse. This is just your husband being a massive jerk. If you want children I'd call a divorce attorney today. Don't waste another minute.

[Anonymous]

It’s abuse if it’s a pattern of misbehavior. It may be even getting more frequent.

[Anonymous]

Threats of divorce, not veiled, are pretty abusive, basically they are the nuclear option in a marital disagreement.