DH driving me nuts--memory issue? ADHD?

[Anonymous]

My DH does the same thing. In general, he doesn't put me down to others. However. If I've told him once, I've told him a gazillion times where my dad was born. It's sort of a unique location/situation, and you'd think he'd recall easily because of the uniqueness. But no. Every time, and I mean every time he always refers to my dad as coming from an entirely different location. This has been going on for decades. DECADES of me correcting him kindly, every SINGLE time. Finally I lost my patience and yelled at him not too long ago. He was shocked. He got kind of mad. He denied I'd ever told him anything otherwise. Denied it.

There are other examples. I have no idea what this is. Just letting you know you are not alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh has been driving me nuts lately. It isn't new but it is worse than before. Here are some examples. I am very frustrated and can't figure out whether he has Adhd or dementia or if his brain just short circuits. Or maybe he is just disrespect.

Dh is 50. I am 47. Our birthdays are a week apart. He knows this. He knows my birthday. We just celebrated our birthdays. Because our birthdays are so close, sometimes we celebrate together. We are almost exactly 3 years apart. Over the last 24 years, dh often will refer to our age gap and 3 and a half years. His ex girlfriend before me was 3.5 years younger than him. Over the years I have told him nicely that we ARE THREE years apart not 3.5 and he must be mixing me up with the ex. Since then, he has on several occasions said we are 3.5 years apart. He said it in front of his mom who looked puzzled and my family. They all know our age gap. Recently dh mentioned to our son that we are 3.5 years apart. I said no, you must be mixing me up with your ex girlfriend. I said was she 3.5 years younger. Dh said no. I said YES she was. He admitted I was right. Most of the conversation did not happen on front of our adult son. Anyway he admitted he was used to saying 3.5 years apart when he dated his ex 25 years ago then that number stuck in his head. He has no idea why this upsets me. The issue is when I nicely tell him, he doesn't remember. When I yell and get furious he will probably remember not to do it again.

Other things:
He tells an embarrassing story about me ( related to me serving him queationabke food which he says has strengthened his stomach so much that he can never get sick now). He has told this story to every guest we had. Often repeating it at the next event. Initially I was a good sport but grew tired of it. Right before guests were coming over, i asked him to not tell that story, he agreed...well he told it.

When we go to parties on Saturdays...often I work Sundays and I am totally ok to stay late at the party. When he gets bored he uses the excuse that I have to work tomorrow when I am fine to stay. I don't like to discuss that I work the next day at parties because it leads to everyone feeling sorry for me and then leads to work talk which I dont want. Dh knows I dont want to leave early. So, i tell him not to use that as an excuse, he agreed and he did it anyway. I asked why. He said he was bored and that was the best excuse he could come up with.

Yesterday, youngest son was driving and dh was horsing around with him while he was driving. I said pls dont touch him, he is driving and you are distracting him. He agreed and 5 minutes later he did it again. It was like he totally forgot our conversation

Comments? Would you find this frustrating?
Why does he never get stuff unless I yell and make a big fight. That's not how I like to operate.

Okay, serious questions. How long has he been like this? Did you just notice this change in behavior recently? Did he have COVID? If so, have you looked into covid long hauler memory / cognitive issues?

DH and I both had covid last year and I have noticed strange behaviors in him since then as well as some difficulties with brain fog myself. He seems to have difficulty concentrating / staying focused, short term memory issues, etc.. We were driving down the road and he drives right past the exit we lived off of for 11 years. Last week he heads out to the store for something and gets sidetracked with something else, later returns without picking up the thing he initially went out for. It's usually stupid stuff and initially I just waved it off as just being stressed and overwhelmed. The more I have read, the more I believe it's the brain fog reported by many long-haulers. Good news is, it should improve overtime.

[Anonymous]

The driving thing is a safety issue and you need to come down hard. I'd be inclined to tell DH he can't ride shotgun.

The birthday thing: on the one hand, I don't get it. I hardly ever hear long married couples talk about their age gap to that specific a degree. But I'd just say, "our birthdays are the same week, so we are 3 years apart, silly".

I think the other stuff is just plain lack of consideration. Is he otherwise inconsiderate?

[Anonymous]

He sounds socially awkward and set in his ways as far as habits/mannerisms/stories- so I'll through high functioning autism out there.

[Anonymous]

OP whatever you do, please don't take some PP's advise to publicly fight about this or be passive-aggressive or show contempt toward him in front of friends. That makes it miserable for everyone and I doubt the shame/embarrassment will help him remember.

I'd literally make a list of 'reminders' and 'do not do's and post it on the fridge advising that you verbally advising the posted items repeatedly has not worked- so you are now doing 'the list'. Bonus: when friends come over... well, see shame/embarrassment, but in a low-key way.

[Anonymous]

I’m too ADHD to read this through, but my DH is definitely becoming more annoying in his middle age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dh has been driving me nuts lately. It isn't new but it is worse than before. Here are some examples. I am very frustrated and can't figure out whether he has Adhd or dementia or if his brain just short circuits. Or maybe he is just disrespect.

Dh is 50. I am 47. Our birthdays are a week apart. He knows this. He knows my birthday. We just celebrated our birthdays. Because our birthdays are so close, sometimes we celebrate together. We are almost exactly 3 years apart. Over the last 24 years, dh often will refer to our age gap and 3 and a half years. His ex girlfriend before me was 3.5 years younger than him. Over the years I have told him nicely that we ARE THREE years apart not 3.5 and he must be mixing me up with the ex. Since then, he has on several occasions said we are 3.5 years apart. He said it in front of his mom who looked puzzled and my family. They all know our age gap. Recently dh mentioned to our son that we are 3.5 years apart. I said no, you must be mixing me up with your ex girlfriend. I said was she 3.5 years younger. Dh said no. I said YES she was. He admitted I was right. Most of the conversation did not happen on front of our adult son. Anyway he admitted he was used to saying 3.5 years apart when he dated his ex 25 years ago then that number stuck in his head. He has no idea why this upsets me. The issue is when I nicely tell him, he doesn't remember. When I yell and get furious he will probably remember not to do it again.

Other things:
He tells an embarrassing story about me ( related to me serving him queationabke food which he says has strengthened his stomach so much that he can never get sick now). He has told this story to every guest we had. Often repeating it at the next event. Initially I was a good sport but grew tired of it. Right before guests were coming over, i asked him to not tell that story, he agreed...well he told it.

When we go to parties on Saturdays...often I work Sundays and I am totally ok to stay late at the party. When he gets bored he uses the excuse that I have to work tomorrow when I am fine to stay. I don't like to discuss that I work the next day at parties because it leads to everyone feeling sorry for me and then leads to work talk which I dont want. Dh knows I dont want to leave early. So, i tell him not to use that as an excuse, he agreed and he did it anyway. I asked why. He said he was bored and that was the best excuse he could come up with.

Yesterday, youngest son was driving and dh was horsing around with him while he was driving. I said pls dont touch him, he is driving and you are distracting him. He agreed and 5 minutes later he did it again. It was like he totally forgot our conversation

Comments? Would you find this frustrating?
Why does he never get stuff unless I yell and make a big fight. That's not how I like to operate.

Okay, serious questions. How long has he been like this? Did you just notice this change in behavior recently? Did he have COVID? If so, have you looked into covid long hauler memory / cognitive issues?

DH and I both had covid last year and I have noticed strange behaviors in him since then as well as some difficulties with brain fog myself. He seems to have difficulty concentrating / staying focused, short term memory issues, etc.. We were driving down the road and he drives right past the exit we lived off of for 11 years. Last week he heads out to the store for something and gets sidetracked with something else, later returns without picking up the thing he initially went out for. It's usually stupid stuff and initially I just waved it off as just being stressed and overwhelmed. The more I have read, the more I believe it's the brain fog reported by many long-haulers. Good news is, it should improve overtime.

No Covid.
He has been like this for years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband asks me every time whether acetaminophen is Tylenol. Every time for 25 years.

I do this too. I rarely take it and when I do it's because I have a blinding headache and am not really paying attention. And it just isn't important to me. I have a memory like a steel trap for plenty of other stuff, but there are always things I blank on. I think that's normal. At least, everyone I've ever known has similar memory "blind spots." Which are totally different from Alzheimers, dementia, stroke. I've had relatives with those. It's not the same at all. The PP above who described her MIL's inability to process -- that's much more in line with the memory stuff. My mother has had memory issues for a very long time due to lupus, but 10 years ago she had some small strokes, and they really affected her processing. What should be simple decisions take forever and sometimes she arrives at weird conclusions or insists on doing something a certain way and cannot be reasoned with.

To OP, I'm not a doctor, but unless his memory stuff is more major, it sounds mostly like he either is not really listening or just doesn't care. But also, what's his sleep like? I can feel myself blanking or forgetting things more when I am very short on sleep.

It may not be important to you but it’s annoying to whomever you ask.

That would be my husband, who has his own different memory blind spots. Annoying does not equal dementia, is the real point.

[Anonymous]

Is he a drinker? Alcohol can make a person seem this way as well.

[Anonymous]

I started telling my DH I thought he had dementia and needed a scan after having to hear the same stories over and over, and questions that seemed like he was playing dumb (or having a neurological event). I just kept saying “it’s me-the main person you talk to-I have heard this example or story 50 times. I do not accept that you just think you told someone else.” He has gotten much better about it!

He does not, however, tell stories that embarrass or upset me to others. That would send me over the edge. That’s intentional and I would probably just say afterwards “that one gets better and better every time we all hear it!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH does the same thing. In general, he doesn't put me down to others. However. If I've told him once, I've told him a gazillion times where my dad was born. It's sort of a unique location/situation, and you'd think he'd recall easily because of the uniqueness. But no. Every time, and I mean every time he always refers to my dad as coming from an entirely different location. This has been going on for decades. DECADES of me correcting him kindly, every SINGLE time. Finally I lost my patience and yelled at him not too long ago. He was shocked. He got kind of mad. He denied I'd ever told him anything otherwise. Denied it.

There are other examples. I have no idea what this is. Just letting you know you are not alone.

Narcissistic- am never wrong so don’t tell me I am you fool! Plus I like destabilizing you and denying it, control!

aDHD - never listened to you any of those time, was distracted!

Aspergers - never process anything unless it’s my special interest or two! Plus I’m always right and mainly focus on myself/my needs!

Early onset dementia - not processing things late in age

Brain tumor - not processing things plus very angry outbursts all the sudden.

[Anonymous]

OP here.
No he doesn't drink much.

The embarrassing story he tells...he does not see how that is embarrassing. He thinks it's so funny that I gave him rotten/old food to eat and have built up his stomach so now he can eat anything without getting sick. He even adds that I was so careful to only feed that food to him and not the kids.
He doesn't see that it is NOT funny to me because people laugh when he tells it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
No he doesn't drink much.

The embarrassing story he tells...he does not see how that is embarrassing. He thinks it's so funny that I gave him rotten/old food to eat and have built up his stomach so now he can eat anything without getting sick. He even adds that I was so careful to only feed that food to him and not the kids.
He doesn't see that it is NOT funny to me because people laugh when he tells it.

Is the story true or did he make it up?

[Anonymous]

When’s the last time he ever shopped and made a meal for you?

Maybe that’s your counter joke. Since he needs to put you down all the time with his rotten tomato meal joke.

[Anonymous]

How does your age gap come up in conversation more than maybe once? And everyone knows your age gap? That is super weird. I mean, no man in the planet would give this any thought.