DH driving me nuts--memory issue? ADHD?

[Anonymous]

Dh has been driving me nuts lately. It isn't new but it is worse than before. Here are some examples. I am very frustrated and can't figure out whether he has Adhd or dementia or if his brain just short circuits. Or maybe he is just disrespect.

Dh is 50. I am 47. Our birthdays are a week apart. He knows this. He knows my birthday. We just celebrated our birthdays. Because our birthdays are so close, sometimes we celebrate together. We are almost exactly 3 years apart. Over the last 24 years, dh often will refer to our age gap and 3 and a half years. His ex girlfriend before me was 3.5 years younger than him. Over the years I have told him nicely that we ARE THREE years apart not 3.5 and he must be mixing me up with the ex. Since then, he has on several occasions said we are 3.5 years apart. He said it in front of his mom who looked puzzled and my family. They all know our age gap. Recently dh mentioned to our son that we are 3.5 years apart. I said no, you must be mixing me up with your ex girlfriend. I said was she 3.5 years younger. Dh said no. I said YES she was. He admitted I was right. Most of the conversation did not happen on front of our adult son. Anyway he admitted he was used to saying 3.5 years apart when he dated his ex 25 years ago then that number stuck in his head. He has no idea why this upsets me. The issue is when I nicely tell him, he doesn't remember. When I yell and get furious he will probably remember not to do it again.

Other things:
He tells an embarrassing story about me ( related to me serving him queationabke food which he says has strengthened his stomach so much that he can never get sick now). He has told this story to every guest we had. Often repeating it at the next event. Initially I was a good sport but grew tired of it. Right before guests were coming over, i asked him to not tell that story, he agreed...well he told it.

When we go to parties on Saturdays...often I work Sundays and I am totally ok to stay late at the party. When he gets bored he uses the excuse that I have to work tomorrow when I am fine to stay. I don't like to discuss that I work the next day at parties because it leads to everyone feeling sorry for me and then leads to work talk which I dont want. Dh knows I dont want to leave early. So, i tell him not to use that as an excuse, he agreed and he did it anyway. I asked why. He said he was bored and that was the best excuse he could come up with.

Yesterday, youngest son was driving and dh was horsing around with him while he was driving. I said pls dont touch him, he is driving and you are distracting him. He agreed and 5 minutes later he did it again. It was like he totally forgot our conversation

Comments? Would you find this frustrating?
Why does he never get stuff unless I yell and make a big fight. That's not how I like to operate.

[Anonymous]

I would find this frustrating but it is typical middle aged guy stuff. He has less room in his head for new things and keeps repeating the old ones out of habit and convenience and really isn't motivated to or hearing a request to change.

[Anonymous]

This is totally just disrespect/not caring. I'd be shocked if it was something clinical. He just doesn't really care what you think/want, or at least, he's often not willing to change his behavior because of it.

If I were you, I'd move to picking your battles.

Roughhousing while driving?! That's a battle to pick.

Who cares if people at a party know you have to work the next day? Or if he says you're 3.5 years younger? Those two things super don't matter. My guess is, you have a LOT of thoughts and preferences like this, and are providing waaaay too much feedback on things not to do or say, and he's just hit his limit on always complying. Is he handling it maturely? No. But you've got to learn to let stuff go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is totally just disrespect/not caring. I'd be shocked if it was something clinical. He just doesn't really care what you think/want, or at least, he's often not willing to change his behavior because of it.

If I were you, I'd move to picking your battles.

Roughhousing while driving?! That's a battle to pick.

Who cares if people at a party know you have to work the next day? Or if he says you're 3.5 years younger? Those two things super don't matter. My guess is, you have a LOT of thoughts and preferences like this, and are providing waaaay too much feedback on things not to do or say, and he's just hit his limit on always complying. Is he handling it maturely? No. But you've got to learn to let stuff go.

It's kind of offensive he is mixing OP up with an ex girlfriend? No? I would be livid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is totally just disrespect/not caring. I'd be shocked if it was something clinical. He just doesn't really care what you think/want, or at least, he's often not willing to change his behavior because of it.

If I were you, I'd move to picking your battles.

Roughhousing while driving?! That's a battle to pick.

Who cares if people at a party know you have to work the next day? Or if he says you're 3.5 years younger? Those two things super don't matter. My guess is, you have a LOT of thoughts and preferences like this, and are providing waaaay too much feedback on things not to do or say, and he's just hit his limit on always complying. Is he handling it maturely? No. But you've got to learn to let stuff go.

Ok. I agree. But now I can't have preferences about talking about my job? 3.5 year thing--that is infuriating.

[Anonymous]

He sounds pretty annoying I have to say. He sounds self centered and doesn’t care too much about your feelings. You need to get really pissed at him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds pretty annoying I have to say. He sounds self centered and doesn’t care too much about your feelings. You need to get really pissed at him.

I did get really mad. Lol.

[Anonymous]

Some ex-girlfriends birthday from 25 years ago would drive me BATTY OP. WHAT THE HELL. It's clear he's repeated the "wrong" thing so much that he's convinced himself it's the truth.

I think I'd be a child and send him a text every single damn day saying "Good morning, our birthdays are 3 years apart!"

But seriously, what are his redeeming qualities because paying attention to his wife's feelings don't seem to be on the list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some ex-girlfriends birthday from 25 years ago would drive me BATTY OP. WHAT THE HELL. It's clear he's repeated the "wrong" thing so much that he's convinced himself it's the truth.

I think I'd be a child and send him a text every single damn day saying "Good morning, our birthdays are 3 years apart!"

But seriously, what are his redeeming qualities because paying attention to his wife's feelings don't seem to be on the list.

You should have seen my MIL's face when he said that.

[Anonymous]

My husband with diagnosed ADHD acts like this, although there are no embarrassing stories because he's introverted and asocial. With age, all one's bad traits tend to get worse, so he too, gets more and more on my nerves. For example, not only is he as inattentive as ever, but now he has a bona fide hearing issue which compounds the problem. He gets angry more easily these days, and is able to deny he said or did things things he just said or did - even our kids point it out to him, which makes him even angrier. He refuses to do anything about any of this, saying it's all in our heads.

Fun times.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Yes, I do think it's an issue of disrespect.

[Anonymous]

10:15 again. The denials and gaslighting are the most hurtful, but I have examples of him being weird in the same way as yours when he says your birthdays are 3.5 years apart. Every single year, he asks when Christmas is, or when Halloween is. I answer when he asks about Thanksgiving or Easter, since there are not fixed holidays, but Christmas??? He has grown up with this holiday! Every year, we get into a fight because instead of googling it (which no sane person in the Western world would have to do), he asks me. I have told him it gets on my nerve, since this is obvious, and we always celebrate on the 25th, not the 24th, like some cultures. Every year he insists that he should ask, just in case I decide to celebrate a little earlier or later. ???????? We have never done that. The day is always Dec 25th. Same for Halloween, always on Oct 31st.

I wonder if there's some autism in there, but he'd have to be very high functioning. It's just SO WEIRD and annoying!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:10:15 again. The denials and gaslighting are the most hurtful, but I have examples of him being weird in the same way as yours when he says your birthdays are 3.5 years apart. Every single year, he asks when Christmas is, or when Halloween is. I answer when he asks about Thanksgiving or Easter, since there are not fixed holidays, but Christmas??? He has grown up with this holiday! Every year, we get into a fight because instead of googling it (which no sane person in the Western world would have to do), he asks me. I have told him it gets on my nerve, since this is obvious, and we always celebrate on the 25th, not the 24th, like some cultures. Every year he insists that he should ask, just in case I decide to celebrate a little earlier or later. ???????? We have never done that. The day is always Dec 25th. Same for Halloween, always on Oct 31st.

I wonder if there's some autism in there, but he'd have to be very high functioning. It's just SO WEIRD and annoying!

When dh denied that his ex was 3.5 years younger, that's when I flipped because he was acting like i was crazy.
We have a lot of Adhd in the family as well as autism. So it's possible.

[Anonymous]

So, if it's an issue of disrespect..how do I change that or can I?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:10:15 again. The denials and gaslighting are the most hurtful, but I have examples of him being weird in the same way as yours when he says your birthdays are 3.5 years apart. Every single year, he asks when Christmas is, or when Halloween is. I answer when he asks about Thanksgiving or Easter, since there are not fixed holidays, but Christmas??? He has grown up with this holiday! Every year, we get into a fight because instead of googling it (which no sane person in the Western world would have to do), he asks me. I have told him it gets on my nerve, since this is obvious, and we always celebrate on the 25th, not the 24th, like some cultures. Every year he insists that he should ask, just in case I decide to celebrate a little earlier or later. ???????? We have never done that. The day is always Dec 25th. Same for Halloween, always on Oct 31st.

I wonder if there's some autism in there, but he'd have to be very high functioning. It's just SO WEIRD and annoying!

Op here again. Wow that would be frustrating. I don't even know what to say lol.