DH driving me nuts--memory issue? ADHD?

[Anonymous]

When DH and I would do this to one another, in particular snide comments made as jokes in groups, it was because we both held so much resentment for different things it was a twisted way to get some of it out. Obviously it’s not an effective strategy because it only breeds contempt on the part of the person being ridiculed.

Therapy together and alone has taught us a huge amount about communication and we respect each other so much more after having addressed past injuries and the feelings behind them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is totally just disrespect/not caring. I'd be shocked if it was something clinical. He just doesn't really care what you think/want, or at least, he's often not willing to change his behavior because of it.

If I were you, I'd move to picking your battles.

Roughhousing while driving?! That's a battle to pick.

Who cares if people at a party know you have to work the next day? Or if he says you're 3.5 years younger? Those two things super don't matter. My guess is, you have a LOT of thoughts and preferences like this, and are providing waaaay too much feedback on things not to do or say, and he's just hit his limit on always complying. Is he handling it maturely? No. But you've got to learn to let stuff go.

Ok. I agree. But now I can't have preferences about talking about my job? 3.5 year thing--that is infuriating.

I'm the PP. You can have preferences about anything you want. You can't expect your husband to cater to your preferences about 12 things a day all the time. Pick. Your. Battles. As I said, I would choose the roughhousing, and let the other two go, because they don't matter. Maybe the roughhousing wasn't too big a deal, and you can let that go, but the talking about work thing really bugs you. Great. But no matter what things you decide are your hill to die on (very personal, IMHO), my strong recommendation is to pick 2/3s of this kinda crap and decide to just let it go. And I bet you'll have much better luck with getting your husband to adjust to your preferences if there are fewer of them.

I also think the other posters who are saying "confusing you with an ex-girlfriend" are being ridiculous. He's not confusing you with an ex-girlfriend. He's getting an age gap mixed up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When DH and I would do this to one another, in particular snide comments made as jokes in groups, it was because we both held so much resentment for different things it was a twisted way to get some of it out. Obviously it’s not an effective strategy because it only breeds contempt on the part of the person being ridiculed.

Therapy together and alone has taught us a huge amount about communication and we respect each other so much more after having addressed past injuries and the feelings behind them.

Also for whatever it’s worth, DH has undiagnosed ADHD (IMO) and anxiety. I think this dynamic/pattern is fairly common in relationships with an ADHD partner — it goes “ADHD symptom” —> partner reaction —> ADHD partner response to reaction. It can get very hard to discuss it and make progress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is totally just disrespect/not caring. I'd be shocked if it was something clinical. He just doesn't really care what you think/want, or at least, he's often not willing to change his behavior because of it.

If I were you, I'd move to picking your battles.

Roughhousing while driving?! That's a battle to pick.

Who cares if people at a party know you have to work the next day? Or if he says you're 3.5 years younger? Those two things super don't matter. My guess is, you have a LOT of thoughts and preferences like this, and are providing waaaay too much feedback on things not to do or say, and he's just hit his limit on always complying. Is he handling it maturely? No. But you've got to learn to let stuff go.

Ok. I agree. But now I can't have preferences about talking about my job? 3.5 year thing--that is infuriating.

I'm the PP. You can have preferences about anything you want. You can't expect your husband to cater to your preferences about 12 things a day all the time. Pick. Your. Battles. As I said, I would choose the roughhousing, and let the other two go, because they don't matter. Maybe the roughhousing wasn't too big a deal, and you can let that go, but the talking about work thing really bugs you. Great. But no matter what things you decide are your hill to die on (very personal, IMHO), my strong recommendation is to pick 2/3s of this kinda crap and decide to just let it go. And I bet you'll have much better luck with getting your husband to adjust to your preferences if there are fewer of them.

I also think the other posters who are saying "confusing you with an ex-girlfriend" are being ridiculous. He's not confusing you with an ex-girlfriend. He's getting an age gap mixed up.

Well he IS confusing our age gap with that of his ex girlfriend . That's how it started
I see what you are saying about picking battles.

[Anonymous]

Oh OP, I can totally relate to your situation!
No, getting mad does not change the behavior IME
And the PP said old age magnify the bad traits is correct.

1. Either your husband is having early alzheimer or dementia for telling the same story over and over, sadly that is the first sign for FIL
2. DH is being passive aggressive to you (don't ask him to do that thing at the party, you do it for yourself, do not count on him to do anything uncomfortable for you), your feeling of being disrespected is true but try not to create the space for it in the first place?
3. Walk away and say nothing if he brings up that 3.5 vs 3 years (who care!) BUT again your feeling is valid, and DH might have early signs of alzheimer?
4. Spend less time together, if he has ADHD, he needs his down time

Hang in there, he most have other adoring traits otherwise you would be long gone?

[Anonymous]

He sounds kind of clueless and maybe kid of a jerk.

On the age gap - I'd start saying, "Larlo really wanted to marry Elaine, his girlfriend before me - she was 3.5 years older. He just can't get over her."

On the questionable food story I'd call him out in front of everyone and say, "Larlo knows I hate that story and yet here he is, repeating it for the 1,000th time."

The work excuse thing sucks, but no idea there.

On roughhousing while a kid is driving, I'd ask kid to pull the car over, ask husband to step out, read him the riot act and then have him sit in the back seat. What an absolute tool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband with diagnosed ADHD acts like this, although there are no embarrassing stories because he's introverted and asocial. With age, all one's bad traits tend to get worse, so he too, gets more and more on my nerves. For example, not only is he as inattentive as ever, but now he has a bona fide hearing issue which compounds the problem. He gets angry more easily these days, and is able to deny he said or did things things he just said or did - even our kids point it out to him, which makes him even angrier. He refuses to do anything about any of this, saying it's all in our heads.

Fun times.

This. It's terrible.

[Anonymous]

People with ADHD are not morons. I hate that assholes get a pass on acting like this because they ALSO might have ADHD. Your DH is an ass.

My husband, my son, my best friend ALL have ADHD and they remember things that are important to them, including everyone's birthdays. Your DH just doesn't care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People with ADHD are not morons. I hate that assholes get a pass on acting like this because they ALSO might have ADHD. Your DH is an ass.

My husband, my son, my best friend ALL have ADHD and they remember things that are important to them, including everyone's birthdays. Your DH just doesn't care.

He remembers my birthday, he confuses our age gap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:10:15 again. The denials and gaslighting are the most hurtful, but I have examples of him being weird in the same way as yours when he says your birthdays are 3.5 years apart. Every single year, he asks when Christmas is, or when Halloween is. I answer when he asks about Thanksgiving or Easter, since there are not fixed holidays, but Christmas??? He has grown up with this holiday! Every year, we get into a fight because instead of googling it (which no sane person in the Western world would have to do), he asks me. I have told him it gets on my nerve, since this is obvious, and we always celebrate on the 25th, not the 24th, like some cultures. Every year he insists that he should ask, just in case I decide to celebrate a little earlier or later. ???????? We have never done that. The day is always Dec 25th. Same for Halloween, always on Oct 31st.

I wonder if there's some autism in there, but he'd have to be very high functioning. It's just SO WEIRD and annoying!

When dh denied that his ex was 3.5 years younger, that's when I flipped because he was acting like i was crazy.
We have a lot of Adhd in the family as well as autism. So it's possible.

Very possible. Bolster your social life outside of home.

[Anonymous]

Is there Alzheimers in the family? I think it could be very early signs of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People with ADHD are not morons. I hate that assholes get a pass on acting like this because they ALSO might have ADHD. Your DH is an ass.

My husband, my son, my best friend ALL have ADHD and they remember things that are important to them, including everyone's birthdays. Your DH just doesn't care.

He remembers my birthday, he confuses our age gap.

You missed the point of my comment.

[Anonymous]

The next time he says your birthdays are 3.5 years apart, I would tell him you are signing him up for a neuropsychology evaluation and that you are both going together...to make sure he doesn't have early onset dementia. Since he is confusing you with his girlfriend from 25 years ago.

[Anonymous]

He sounds strange to me. Although I can’t say if it’s early dementia or he’s just an asshole or he has some other issue…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is totally just disrespect/not caring. I'd be shocked if it was something clinical. He just doesn't really care what you think/want, or at least, he's often not willing to change his behavior because of it.

If I were you, I'd move to picking your battles.

Roughhousing while driving?! That's a battle to pick.

Who cares if people at a party know you have to work the next day? Or if he says you're 3.5 years younger? Those two things super don't matter. My guess is, you have a LOT of thoughts and preferences like this, and are providing waaaay too much feedback on things not to do or say, and he's just hit his limit on always complying. Is he handling it maturely? No. But you've got to learn to let stuff go.

Ok. I agree. But now I can't have preferences about talking about my job? 3.5 year thing--that is infuriating.

I'm the PP. You can have preferences about anything you want. You can't expect your husband to cater to your preferences about 12 things a day all the time. Pick. Your. Battles. As I said, I would choose the roughhousing, and let the other two go, because they don't matter. Maybe the roughhousing wasn't too big a deal, and you can let that go, but the talking about work thing really bugs you. Great. But no matter what things you decide are your hill to die on (very personal, IMHO), my strong recommendation is to pick 2/3s of this kinda crap and decide to just let it go. And I bet you'll have much better luck with getting your husband to adjust to your preferences if there are fewer of them.

I also think the other posters who are saying "confusing you with an ex-girlfriend" are being ridiculous. He's not confusing you with an ex-girlfriend. He's getting an age gap mixed up.

This. For YEARS I could not remember that my DH's birthday was the X of Feb, not the Y of Feb...because the Y of Feb was the date I took the LSAT 10 yrs before I met him. Why did that stick in my head like that? No idea. Good think it it wasn't an ex boyfriend's birthday, right? Sometimes we just get things stuck. It doesn't actually mean anything. BTW, I'm not even a lawyer, I never did go to law school. So the LSAT is truly a meaningless date to me.