Am I out of line for refusing to go on a vacation with my wife?

[Anonymous]

Book Airbnb. Do what you want. My DH used to wake up super early and then would not go skiing till yep like your wife noon!
I most certainly was on the slopes around 9 am.
I am capable of doing everything on my own, and dh realized it really fast.
Not that much fun for him when his wife is clearly able to find the company and a lot of it that was going to admire me...LOL!

[Anonymous]

I can’t fathom one partner being “hostage” to the other partner sleeping. Just get up quietly and leave. As long as you make an effort to be quiet (like get your clothes out the night before), it’s on the other person to sleep. WTF are you doing all morning? Just counting ceiling tiles?

[Anonymous]

All you people saying OP should basically go out alone while his DW sleeps all day are nuts. That’s not a vacation. Who wants to be alone half the time on a trip to do things they wouldn’t do normally and I’m sure the sleeping DW also picked the location. I wouldn’t go. Team OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All you people saying OP should basically go out alone while his DW sleeps all day are nuts. That’s not a vacation. Who wants to be alone half the time on a trip to do things they wouldn’t do normally and I’m sure the sleeping DW also picked the location. I wouldn’t go. Team OP

Totally agree. If it was more like 6:30am vs 9am, the idea of a nice coffee/breakfast/walk on your own is nice. 11:30 wastes a huge chunk of the day.

Agree with PPs wondering what DW is like at home? And if you have kids?

[Anonymous]

Yes, I think you’re out of line. You need to compromise so you can both relax and have fun. First, read about sleep chronotypes. Her sleep needs are genetic and are not a moral failing. Read this: https://www.sleepfoundation.org/how-sleep-works/chronotypes. Letting her sleep and don’t judge something she can’t control. Instead, do what others have suggested. Put a “do not disturb” sign on your door and go out in the morning to do what you like. Then plan together activities for after lunch. My DH knows I need more sleep than he and I love the freedom of sleeping in on vacation. My best friend is a morning person and we go away at least once a year. She gets up and goes to the beach, a walk, etc. in the morning and then we meet up for brunch or lunch. She doesn’t judge or refuse to go away with me. Part of marriage and friendship is accepting the other’s differences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait... you’re REFUSING to go on vacation with your WIFE because you don’t like that she sleeps in?
Yes, it’s out of line. And adolescent. You’re letting irritation get in the way of rationality. See utterly reasonable and easy suggestions above.

OP: sleeping in is one thing, not expecting a bugle call at 5;30 AM, but 11;30 or 12 noon is wasting half the day. Problem with leaving the room hours earlier is, she's a lite sleeper. Snapping a toothpick would wake her up. So I am held hostage while she sleeps away.

Why do pseudo superior morning people always drop this stupid line. 11:30 or 12:00 is not “half the day.” Half the day is mid afternoon.

Sorry, for a lot of people it's half the day. I'm not even a morning person and I know this.

No, it's not. Sorry, morning people. Vacation is not a 9-5 job with a lunch break. To go by your ridiculous standards, then you miss "half the day" on vacation by going to bed early.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait... you’re REFUSING to go on vacation with your WIFE because you don’t like that she sleeps in?
Yes, it’s out of line. And adolescent. You’re letting irritation get in the way of rationality. See utterly reasonable and easy suggestions above.

OP: sleeping in is one thing, not expecting a bugle call at 5;30 AM, but 11;30 or 12 noon is wasting half the day. Problem with leaving the room hours earlier is, she's a lite sleeper. Snapping a toothpick would wake her up. So I am held hostage while she sleeps away.

Why do pseudo superior morning people always drop this stupid line. 11:30 or 12:00 is not “half the day.” Half the day is mid afternoon.

If you have children it is half of their day. So sleeping until noon when your kids get up at six or seven should be the exception, because you’re offloading half the day’s childcare into your spouse.

Please point out in the OP where it says they are vacationing with children. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

OP, is your wife like this at home? If you don't have kids yet, don't have them with her until you resolve this issue.

My sister is like this, which is why none of us will visit her at her home anymore. She goes to bed at 1 AM to 2 AM every night and chronically doesn't get enough sleep during the week because she has to wake up for work. Then she sleeps in until noon to 2 PM on weekends to make up for it. Back when I was single, I felt like a hostage in her home because I had to tiptoe around and wait 6-8 hours for her to wake up because she's also a very light sleeper. Then she'd laze around with coffee and read the paper and chat with her husband and son. She never made it out of the house before 3 PM. Our siblings and mom got really mad at her when they visited and won't stay with her either. No one wants to wait to start their day in the afternoon. I visited her a lot when I was single, but can't do it now with kids. I learned to bring a book and would go for a run then read when it was just me, but I can't keep my kids quiet for 6-8 hours.

OP, I share this story to encourage you to resolve this with your wife. My sister doesn't see a problem and her husband ended up doing the childcare every weekend and vacation day morning. From age 2, their kid would wake up and be on his own from around 8 AM until her husband woke up around 10 AM. Then her husband would do the childcare until she woke up. She's never even tried going to bed earlier, and believes that she just needs lots of sleep. In reality, she's getting 4-6 hours sleep on weeknights then makes up for it on weekends.

Now she's miffed because we won't stay with her when we visit, but my husband and I are up by 5:30 - 6:30 AM and our kids wake up by 8 AM even on vacation with later bedtimes. Your wife's vacation schedule doesn't mesh with yours and it's a recipe for disaster if you start a family together. You'll be trying to occupy little kids and keep them quiet while she sleeps in late because she prioritizes tv. Your resentment will only grow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any trip at all, she watches TV in the hotel room until midnight, then doesn't wake up the next morning until 11:30 AM. The slightest noise, like me using the bathroom at 9AM wakes her up and then she sleeps longer.

So then we have the maid trying to get in and I wind up bringing breakfast back to the room and we eat out of styrofoam with plastic utensils. The vacation day then usually starts at 12:30 or 1:00. I hate it. Everybody else is sightseeing or at the beach early in the morning and I feel like I just wasted a lot of money flying to a place, renting a car, then spending a lot of time in a room. To me, that's not a vacation and it has been like this forever.

My husband doesn't do much on vacation. He plans out what restaurants to go to for dinner. Otherwise, he works. Or accommodates me on a request for a family activity. So I go off on my own or with the kids ALL THE TIME. In exchange, I go to the restaurants he is interested in, which often aren't my thing (He likes steakhouses).

It's part of what I'm teaching the kids -- a vacation is not all about you. Everyone needs to learn to give and take. Do an activity that one person likes. Then do something the other person likes. Do some stuff together. Do some stuff alone. It's all good.

[Anonymous]

Awkward situation. But it’s her vacation too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All you people saying OP should basically go out alone while his DW sleeps all day are nuts. That’s not a vacation. Who wants to be alone half the time on a trip to do things they wouldn’t do normally and I’m sure the sleeping DW also picked the location. I wouldn’t go. Team OP

Totally agree. If it was more like 6:30am vs 9am, the idea of a nice coffee/breakfast/walk on your own is nice. 11:30 wastes a huge chunk of the day.

Agree with PPs wondering what DW is like at home? And if you have kids?

This. Also if you don’t already have kids, don’t do it OP! Your will stuck with ALL of the kid wake ups their whole lives.

[Anonymous]

I’m shocked all these people that don’t have a compatible vacation style to their spouse. That would have 100% been a dealbreaker - I can’t date/marry you type of moment for me.

[Anonymous]

I would do as others say-- find the compromise. We rent a condo now because we have a teen who like to sleep and us (parents) are up by 7 or 8 at the latest. I do my thing if my family isn't ready to go-- book, coffee, might even get in sight seeing on my own, plan family excursions for later in the day, etc. It's really not a big deal to me--it's what phones and texting are made for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, is your wife like this at home? If you don't have kids yet, don't have them with her until you resolve this issue.

My sister is like this, which is why none of us will visit her at her home anymore. She goes to bed at 1 AM to 2 AM every night and chronically doesn't get enough sleep during the week because she has to wake up for work. Then she sleeps in until noon to 2 PM on weekends to make up for it. Back when I was single, I felt like a hostage in her home because I had to tiptoe around and wait 6-8 hours for her to wake up because she's also a very light sleeper. Then she'd laze around with coffee and read the paper and chat with her husband and son. She never made it out of the house before 3 PM. Our siblings and mom got really mad at her when they visited and won't stay with her either. No one wants to wait to start their day in the afternoon. I visited her a lot when I was single, but can't do it now with kids. I learned to bring a book and would go for a run then read when it was just me, but I can't keep my kids quiet for 6-8 hours.

OP, I share this story to encourage you to resolve this with your wife. My sister doesn't see a problem and her husband ended up doing the childcare every weekend and vacation day morning. From age 2, their kid would wake up and be on his own from around 8 AM until her husband woke up around 10 AM. Then her husband would do the childcare until she woke up. She's never even tried going to bed earlier, and believes that she just needs lots of sleep. In reality, she's getting 4-6 hours sleep on weeknights then makes up for it on weekends.

Now she's miffed because we won't stay with her when we visit, but my husband and I are up by 5:30 - 6:30 AM and our kids wake up by 8 AM even on vacation with later bedtimes. Your wife's vacation schedule doesn't mesh with yours and it's a recipe for disaster if you start a family together. You'll be trying to occupy little kids and keep them quiet while she sleeps in late because she prioritizes tv. Your resentment will only grow.

This post made me much more sympathetic to OP’s position. You really captured how annoying and selfish your sister’s behavior is. I would imagine her husband is extremely resentful?

[Anonymous]

I didn’t know there were so many of us! Also married to a late sleeper but he would never complain about unavoidable noises. And isn’t it quieter if the awake partner is, well, not there? I’ve come to appreciate mornings on my own or now one-on-one time with the kid. It’s true that you should realize this behavior doesn’t necessarily change after becoming a parent (which is what others said would happen). I went in eyes wide open and made sure significant parts of the evening routine was his job and also during infancy the late night wake ups were all him. Also other chores that I’m too tired for at night like emptying the dishwasher. I guess I’m saying to think of ways to embrace having different wake/sleep cycles if you don’t want a lifetime of resentment.