Dating a man with an overprotective pre-teen

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP the most toxic relationship of my life was one where I was dealing with constant drama from my boyfriend’s teenaged daughter. She was 13 when we started seeing each other and 15 when I finally walked. I loved her and we had some good times together - she actually keeps in touch with me now and is estranged from her father - but her drama basically undermined the relationship and I don’t honestly know if we couldn’t have made it just fine had she been living with her mother and not her father. Some days it just felt like she was jealous of me and we were in competition for the same man - it was weird. No, I don’t think there was anything inappropriate between them. I just think that preteen and teen girls can be very toxic and it can be really hard to parent them from the place of a solid long term relationship, much less a new relationship where you are de facto stepmother but without any really authority in her eyes.

If you’re not really in love with this guy, if you have reservations about him - I would say walk now before things get uglier.

This. I never date men with daughters. Of any age. I only date men with sons or men with no kids.

Yep. You got it! Single mom with pre-teen dd here: while I had no problem at all of having my bf around my dd, my ex's dating life is non-existent due to the same-gender dynamic of new partner and child.
OP still seems to be in earlier dating stage. Just run and date someone with a son or no kids. I'd also like to say that a child feeling the urge to control a parent's love life may have been neglected or deprived of attention during marriage and divorce.

I definitely agree with the last part. I don’t get why he felt a need to tell OP what the daughter said. That’s between him and his dd. It’s none of OP’s business. Either break up with her or don’t but what was the point of mentioning it to OP other than for a guilt trip. Huge red flag. He needs to parent and stop making it about whoever he’s dating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My bf has been divorced for 5 years. He has a 12 year old daughter (I have an 8 yr old son). I met his daughter recently and he and I got into an argument in front of her (dumb argument). She got very upset and told her dad no to date me because I was disrespectful to him. He got mad at her for telling him what to do but basically got upset with me that I was the cause of the fight between the two of them.

Red flag or no?

I’m thinking of never seeing him again because this all seems very dramatic and I didn’t sign up for this. This is a man who openly curses in front of his daughter and makes jokes about violence but somehow us arguing in front of her was the straw that breaks the camel’s back because she’s not used to people “disrespecting” her father. Ftr, there was no cursing or name calling, no loud talking just disagreeing.

Can you explain why you’d be with someone who does this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP the most toxic relationship of my life was one where I was dealing with constant drama from my boyfriend’s teenaged daughter. She was 13 when we started seeing each other and 15 when I finally walked. I loved her and we had some good times together - she actually keeps in touch with me now and is estranged from her father - but her drama basically undermined the relationship and I don’t honestly know if we couldn’t have made it just fine had she been living with her mother and not her father. Some days it just felt like she was jealous of me and we were in competition for the same man - it was weird. No, I don’t think there was anything inappropriate between them. I just think that preteen and teen girls can be very toxic and it can be really hard to parent them from the place of a solid long term relationship, much less a new relationship where you are de facto stepmother but without any really authority in her eyes.

If you’re not really in love with this guy, if you have reservations about him - I would say walk now before things get uglier.

This. I never date men with daughters. Of any age. I only date men with sons or men with no kids.

+1

I always said I would not date a man with young daughters. Even adult daughters can be problematic

Self hating women are fascinating to me.

You’ve clearly never dated anyone with kids lol

Much easier to deal with sons than daughters.

I’m the one who said I only date with with sons or no kids. I’m not self hating. I have lots of friends who are women, love my sisters and nieces, and would prefer to have daughters over sons. The stepdaughter dynamic is just different. It’s fraught with issues.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

I’ve been around his daughter several times, spent the night, gone on vacation, shopping, had spa days with her and what not. I met her fairly on in the relationship (didn’t want to but he insisted). We’ve been dating for about 6 months now. She supposedly loves me which is why I was surprised that one disagreement would bother her so much to the point of saying end it with her. His words were that she is very protective of him which is why I titled this thread as such.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My bf has been divorced for 5 years. He has a 12 year old daughter (I have an 8 yr old son). I met his daughter recently and he and I got into an argument in front of her (dumb argument). She got very upset and told her dad no to date me because I was disrespectful to him. He got mad at her for telling him what to do but basically got upset with me that I was the cause of the fight between the two of them.

Red flag or no?

I’m thinking of never seeing him again because this all seems very dramatic and I didn’t sign up for this. This is a man who openly curses in front of his daughter and makes jokes about violence but somehow us arguing in front of her was the straw that breaks the camel’s back because she’s not used to people “disrespecting” her father. Ftr, there was no cursing or name calling, no loud talking just disagreeing.

Life is too short. Just break it off.

[Anonymous]

Pro tip: don’t fight in front of anyone you just met, especially if they are tour bf’s friend or relative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You both sound incredibly immature.

So grossed out by dating with kids like this.

Gross. All divorces for a reason....

Kids having to meet random s and being scapegoated by mom and dad’s current f@@@cks, poor kids no wonder they grow up messed up...and have shorty relationships and cheat on their spouses.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[…]

I’m thinking of never seeing him again because this all seems very dramatic and I didn’t sign up for this. This is a man who openly curses in front of his daughter and makes jokes about violence..

There’s your answer. DTMF.

[Anonymous]

You sound incredibly immature.

do the girl a favor and exit stage left.

[Anonymous]

Run.

I’m a stepmom to a now 20-something woman. Came into her life when she was a tween. Other than a few uncomfortable moments early on, we’ve gotten along fine. And now we’re pretty close.

Her father is the one who causes drama and won’t drop it. It took me until after we got married to realize it’s a him problem, not her. No idea what his motivation is. If he thinks I don’t treat her well (which ANYONE who knows us would think that’s comical), he should have broken up with me ages ago.

Your BF shouldn’t have the drama levels of a tween/teen. A 12 year old will likely grow out of it. He’s built that way.

[Anonymous]

Dump

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Run.

I’m a stepmom to a now 20-something woman. Came into her life when she was a tween. Other than a few uncomfortable moments early on, we’ve gotten along fine. And now we’re pretty close.

Her father is the one who causes drama and won’t drop it. It took me until after we got married to realize it’s a him problem, not her. No idea what his motivation is. If he thinks I don’t treat her well (which ANYONE who knows us would think that’s comical), he should have broken up with me ages ago.

Your BF shouldn’t have the drama levels of a tween/teen. A 12 year old will likely grow out of it. He’s built that way.

Adding, before I realized he was the drama generator, I thought there was something wrong with me and I was the problem, not her. Just to quell any evil stepmom comments.

[Anonymous]

What was the fight over? I’d say run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP the most toxic relationship of my life was one where I was dealing with constant drama from my boyfriend’s teenaged daughter. She was 13 when we started seeing each other and 15 when I finally walked. I loved her and we had some good times together - she actually keeps in touch with me now and is estranged from her father - but her drama basically undermined the relationship and I don’t honestly know if we couldn’t have made it just fine had she been living with her mother and not her father. Some days it just felt like she was jealous of me and we were in competition for the same man - it was weird. No, I don’t think there was anything inappropriate between them. I just think that preteen and teen girls can be very toxic and it can be really hard to parent them from the place of a solid long term relationship, much less a new relationship where you are de facto stepmother but without any really authority in her eyes.

If you’re not really in love with this guy, if you have reservations about him - I would say walk now before things get uglier.

NP: guy - this is my life right now. I have experienced this with another date and her teenage daughter was completely unreasonable and unbelievably demanding as well. Before the ‘sacrifice it all’ for your kid crowd chime in I would say if you want this work then you need boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP the most toxic relationship of my life was one where I was dealing with constant drama from my boyfriend’s teenaged daughter. She was 13 when we started seeing each other and 15 when I finally walked. I loved her and we had some good times together - she actually keeps in touch with me now and is estranged from her father - but her drama basically undermined the relationship and I don’t honestly know if we couldn’t have made it just fine had she been living with her mother and not her father. Some days it just felt like she was jealous of me and we were in competition for the same man - it was weird. No, I don’t think there was anything inappropriate between them. I just think that preteen and teen girls can be very toxic and it can be really hard to parent them from the place of a solid long term relationship, much less a new relationship where you are de facto stepmother but without any really authority in her eyes.

If you’re not really in love with this guy, if you have reservations about him - I would say walk now before things get uglier.

This. I never date men with daughters. Of any age. I only date men with sons or men with no kids.

+1

I always said I would not date a man with young daughters. Even adult daughters can be problematic

I don’t think the sex of the parent is an issue.