Boyfriend judging my past - AITA or what to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A few thoughts I had, as someone who has been with judgmental partners and has been the judgmental partner:

- Ending your friendship with your ex should have nothing to do with your current relationship. You should only end friendships if they aren't serving you, and you would have ended them anyway. I've ended friendships due to jealous boyfriends and regret it.

- There's nothing wrong with maintaining a friendship with an ex, as long as they are an advocate for you and an ally to the relationship. The problems arise when there are hidden motives and secrecy - for example, I maintained a friendship with an ex, but he would get jealous and didn't want to hear about my new relationships or meet my new partner. That's a problem. I don't mind my partners being friends with ex-girlfriends at all; I think it's a huge positive for them to have additional female influence in their lives. But I want them to be handled the same way as a friendship with a male - I don't want secrecy, I want to be able to meet with them, develop my own friendship with them, etc. Not because I'm jealous, but because I want us to surround ourselves with people who are an ally to our relationship (if that makes sense)

- That being said, I do understand the need to talk with friends about relationship problems. And while it's great to complain to your same-sex friends, you get more insight from friends of the opposite sex (assuming it's a hetero relationship), and especially exes who understand how you operate. If my boyfriend were truly miserable in our relationship, and if his ex genuinely has his best interest in mind (no ulterior motives), I would *want* her to be honest with him.

- Most importantly: judgmental partners generally have their own issues going on, often low self-esteem. It is NOT your responsibility to handle their emotions for them. When I've had judgmental partners - especially ones with double standards, such as it's okay for them to sleep around but not me - any attempts to reassure them and help them feel better just feed into their jealousy and judgement. He needs to address that on his own, and honestly it will probably take a LOT of therapy. Peoples' character generally doesn't change without massive amounts of effort, and even if it does, in times of stress they revert back to their old ways.

- If you have children or want children, keep in mind that they will learn relationship dynamics from you. So if you have daughters, they will learn that it's their responsibility to change for a man. If you have sons, they will learn that the double standard is acceptable and treat women that way.

You don’t live in reality. Your scenarios might work in a perfect world. We don’t live in Utopia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A few thoughts I had, as someone who has been with judgmental partners and has been the judgmental partner:

- Ending your friendship with your ex should have nothing to do with your current relationship. You should only end friendships if they aren't serving you, and you would have ended them anyway. I've ended friendships due to jealous boyfriends and regret it.

- There's nothing wrong with maintaining a friendship with an ex, as long as they are an advocate for you and an ally to the relationship. The problems arise when there are hidden motives and secrecy - for example, I maintained a friendship with an ex, but he would get jealous and didn't want to hear about my new relationships or meet my new partner. That's a problem. I don't mind my partners being friends with ex-girlfriends at all; I think it's a huge positive for them to have additional female influence in their lives. But I want them to be handled the same way as a friendship with a male - I don't want secrecy, I want to be able to meet with them, develop my own friendship with them, etc. Not because I'm jealous, but because I want us to surround ourselves with people who are an ally to our relationship (if that makes sense)

- That being said, I do understand the need to talk with friends about relationship problems. And while it's great to complain to your same-sex friends, you get more insight from friends of the opposite sex (assuming it's a hetero relationship), and especially exes who understand how you operate. If my boyfriend were truly miserable in our relationship, and if his ex genuinely has his best interest in mind (no ulterior motives), I would *want* her to be honest with him.

- Most importantly: judgmental partners generally have their own issues going on, often low self-esteem. It is NOT your responsibility to handle their emotions for them. When I've had judgmental partners - especially ones with double standards, such as it's okay for them to sleep around but not me - any attempts to reassure them and help them feel better just feed into their jealousy and judgement. He needs to address that on his own, and honestly it will probably take a LOT of therapy. Peoples' character generally doesn't change without massive amounts of effort, and even if it does, in times of stress they revert back to their old ways.

- If you have children or want children, keep in mind that they will learn relationship dynamics from you. So if you have daughters, they will learn that it's their responsibility to change for a man. If you have sons, they will learn that the double standard is acceptable and treat women that way.

OP here. Thanks for all of this! One thing I love about my guy is his willingness to look in the mirror, acknowledge his issues, and make an adjustment. I sent him an article about the dangers of being judgmental that lead him to realize he’s a judgmental person in general, and that it stems from his own issues he needs to address. Children aren’t a factor here; he already has one and I’m past the stage in my life where having children is an option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He assumed because you didn’t tell him?

Yes. He knew about the friend but I didn’t mention that we saw each other because it was so infrequent.

He's not judging you for your past Aa you claim. You misrepresented your relationship with your ex.

And you’re revealing things about your current relationship to a man you used to bone while not in your bf’s company. He has good reason to be pissed.

It really is that simple. What don't you understand? When you've been with a few women with past relationship baggage, or still hanging onto that vine, you get wise and avoid the hell out of it in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, did you talk it through with your bf? Update?

OP here. Yes. I apologized to my boyfriend for blindsiding him with news I’d been in touch with the fling, and acknowledged our communicating was inappropriate. I also set boundaries with the former fling and, though I don’t have secrets from my boyfriend, made a commitment to be as forthright as possible when things come up. As for his judgment of me, which I didn’t previously explain here, it centers around less-positive aspects of my past (I cheated once, was involved with a married person), and he acknowledged it was (unfairly) negatively affecting his view of me in spite of how I’ve shown up in this relationship. Meanwhile, he’s guilty of doing those same things, and is working to understand his bent towards judgment of others and how to improve.

Sounds like match made in heaven. Enjoy it while it lasts because it's not going to. You two are doomed. Wouldn't be surprised if one of you is cheating now.

+!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, did you talk it through with your bf? Update?

OP here. Yes. I apologized to my boyfriend for blindsiding him with news I’d been in touch with the fling, and acknowledged our communicating was inappropriate. I also set boundaries with the former fling and, though I don’t have secrets from my boyfriend, made a commitment to be as forthright as possible when things come up. As for his judgment of me, which I didn’t previously explain here, it centers around less-positive aspects of my past (I cheated once, was involved with a married person), and he acknowledged it was (unfairly) negatively affecting his view of me in spite of how I’ve shown up in this relationship. Meanwhile, he’s guilty of doing those same things, and is working to understand his bent towards judgment of others and how to improve.

Sounds like match made in heaven. Enjoy it while it lasts because it's not going to. You two are doomed. Wouldn't be surprised if one of you is cheating now.

+!

Unfortunately, this PP was exactly right. Someone was cheating and it was him. Found out today. Crazy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, did you talk it through with your bf? Update?

OP here. Yes. I apologized to my boyfriend for blindsiding him with news I’d been in touch with the fling, and acknowledged our communicating was inappropriate. I also set boundaries with the former fling and, though I don’t have secrets from my boyfriend, made a commitment to be as forthright as possible when things come up. As for his judgment of me, which I didn’t previously explain here, it centers around less-positive aspects of my past (I cheated once, was involved with a married person), and he acknowledged it was (unfairly) negatively affecting his view of me in spite of how I’ve shown up in this relationship. Meanwhile, he’s guilty of doing those same things, and is working to understand his bent towards judgment of others and how to improve.

Sounds like match made in heaven. Enjoy it while it lasts because it's not going to. You two are doomed. Wouldn't be surprised if one of you is cheating now.

+!

Unfortunately, this PP was exactly right. Someone was cheating and it was him. Found out today. Crazy!

This is the most bizarre, flip, insincere thread going. Well, okey donkey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, did you talk it through with your bf? Update?

OP here. Yes. I apologized to my boyfriend for blindsiding him with news I’d been in touch with the fling, and acknowledged our communicating was inappropriate. I also set boundaries with the former fling and, though I don’t have secrets from my boyfriend, made a commitment to be as forthright as possible when things come up. As for his judgment of me, which I didn’t previously explain here, it centers around less-positive aspects of my past (I cheated once, was involved with a married person), and he acknowledged it was (unfairly) negatively affecting his view of me in spite of how I’ve shown up in this relationship. Meanwhile, he’s guilty of doing those same things, and is working to understand his bent towards judgment of others and how to improve.

Sounds like match made in heaven. Enjoy it while it lasts because it's not going to. You two are doomed. Wouldn't be surprised if one of you is cheating now.

+!

Unfortunately, this PP was exactly right. Someone was cheating and it was him. Found out today. Crazy!

This is the most bizarre, flip, insincere thread going. Well, okey donkey.

Agree. Maybe Jeff will delete it.

[Anonymous]

Once a cheater always a cheater. He beat you too it. Now don’t you wish your tea fling was sexual? Boning & Biscuits

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, did you talk it through with your bf? Update?

OP here. Yes. I apologized to my boyfriend for blindsiding him with news I’d been in touch with the fling, and acknowledged our communicating was inappropriate. I also set boundaries with the former fling and, though I don’t have secrets from my boyfriend, made a commitment to be as forthright as possible when things come up. As for his judgment of me, which I didn’t previously explain here, it centers around less-positive aspects of my past (I cheated once, was involved with a married person), and he acknowledged it was (unfairly) negatively affecting his view of me in spite of how I’ve shown up in this relationship. Meanwhile, he’s guilty of doing those same things, and is working to understand his bent towards judgment of others and how to improve.

Sounds like match made in heaven. Enjoy it while it lasts because it's not going to. You two are doomed. Wouldn't be surprised if one of you is cheating now.

+!

Unfortunately, this PP was exactly right. Someone was cheating and it was him. Found out today. Crazy!

Wait.

OP - he was cheating? How was this discovered?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Once a cheater always a cheater. He beat you too it. Now don’t you wish your tea fling was sexual? Boning & Biscuits

You’re a cheater who can’t spell. You must really miss the explicit forum.

[Anonymous]

Yes, he’s been cheating the whole time and I broke it off. Master manipulator, an emotional con/abuser who I learned has been at this for years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once a cheater always a cheater. He beat you too it. Now don’t you wish your tea fling was sexual? Boning & Biscuits

You’re a cheater who can’t spell. You must really miss the explicit forum.

It’s the cheater spelling police

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, he’s been cheating the whole time and I broke it off. Master manipulator, an emotional con/abuser who I learned has been at this for years.

He out conned you

[Anonymous]

He is right. You are not trustworthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is right. You are not trustworthy.

And neither is he. Perfect match.