Boyfriend judging my past - AITA or what to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People over 40 have LIVED. I don't think we (as a woman over 40 myself) tell a partner anything beyond engagements, marriages, and anything they NEED to know, like say ..."I was raped so please don't ever hold my wrists."

He's wrong and an asshole to do what he's doing. You were wrong to give so much info about your past. Dump this guy and don't do that again.

I'm near 40 and I disagree. Sure you don't need to tell your partner every detail of your life. I don't have a problem being friends with exes, but I would be upset if my bf was having regular luncheons with his ex and discussing our relationship while acting like she wasn't even relevant in his life anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the comments. Going to discontinue the relationship with my friend. I don’t consider him an ex, more of a sexual fling that evolved into friendship.

Also, my boyfriend being upset isn’t my issue, I completely understand why. It’s the judgement sent my way along with the fact he doesn’t hold himself to the same standard as he maintains friendships with exes.

Is he mad that you have friendships with exes or is he mad that you lied about the nature of your friendship.? I don’t know. I didn’t lie about the nature of our relationship. It was something that hadn't come up in discussion until recently and I was forthright.

Does he also have ex girlfriends and former hookup buddies that he meets regularly for lunch and tea and discusses your relationship with? This is a yes or no answer. I knew of one ex he communicated with regularly and sees from time to time and he has talked about me to her since we started dating. Recently learned he’d been in text communication with another ex he hadn’t seen. When she found out about me they stopped communicating (her request). He doesn’t talk about former hookup buddies.

Were you or were you not aware of this ex-girlfriends and their meet ups? This is also a yes or no answer.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Given our history, I recognize maintaining an active friendship with my former fling is inappropriate. I’d always made space for him as a friend and considered it innocent because we were no longer intimate. That said, I’d recently been thinking the friendship should end as my relationship became more serious and after I caught him on camera shoveling my snow.... Also it came to me today that I’d never mentioned him to my last boyfriend from six years ago. Not exactly sure why I shared in this new relationship but am glad I did as it’s helped me see a lot of things about myself and my new relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Given our history, I recognize maintaining an active friendship with my former fling is inappropriate. I’d always made space for him as a friend and considered it innocent because we were no longer intimate. That said, I’d recently been thinking the friendship should end as my relationship became more serious and after I caught him on camera shoveling my snow.... Also it came to me today that I’d never mentioned him to my last boyfriend from six years ago. Not exactly sure why I shared in this new relationship but am glad I did as it’s helped me see a lot of things about myself and my new relationship.

My girlfriends and I have a term for this ex-boyfriend of yours- trinkets. These are remnants of our past dating lives that didn’t work out for some reason but we keep them on the shelf to bring them down and play with them from time to time. They stroke our ego and make ourselves feel better about ourselves. And when we find ourselves in a relationship with potential with a good man these “trinkets” are not compatible with that. You’ve been told and seem to now be aware that your boyfriend probably doesn’t care about your friendship with the ex-boyfriend- it’s your lies by omission when you’re meeting up with him that’s the problem. Full transparency is necessary and without it there’s a questions about motive and trust. How would you feel if you found out your boyfriend met up with an old girlfriend (who obviously still has feelings for him like your old boyfriend has for you) and didn’t tell you about it? You’d be very uncomfortable. Same scenario but he told you in advance he was doing it and talked about it with you when they were through? Totally different outcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Given our history, I recognize maintaining an active friendship with my former fling is inappropriate. I’d always made space for him as a friend and considered it innocent because we were no longer intimate. That said, I’d recently been thinking the friendship should end as my relationship became more serious and after I caught him on camera shoveling my snow.... Also it came to me today that I’d never mentioned him to my last boyfriend from six years ago. Not exactly sure why I shared in this new relationship but am glad I did as it’s helped me see a lot of things about myself and my new relationship.

My girlfriends and I have a term for this ex-boyfriend of yours- trinkets. These are remnants of our past dating lives that didn’t work out for some reason but we keep them on the shelf to bring them down and play with them from time to time. They stroke our ego and make ourselves feel better about ourselves. And when we find ourselves in a relationship with potential with a good man these “trinkets” are not compatible with that. You’ve been told and seem to now be aware that your boyfriend probably doesn’t care about your friendship with the ex-boyfriend- it’s your lies by omission when you’re meeting up with him that’s the problem. Full transparency is necessary and without it there’s a questions about motive and trust. How would you feel if you found out your boyfriend met up with an old girlfriend (who obviously still has feelings for him like your old boyfriend has for you) and didn’t tell you about it? You’d be very uncomfortable. Same scenario but he told you in advance he was doing it and talked about it with you when they were through? Totally different outcome.

“Trinkets.” Great term. Going to talk it out with the boyfriend today. On a related note, he acknowledged his tendency to pass judgement on others and build walls because of it. Red flags all around!

[Anonymous]

^Op, you’re throwing up the red flags here.

[Anonymous]

You're still seeing a past boyfriend here and there and he's supposed to be okay with that? Would you be okay if he was still going places with an ex-girlfriend he's "Kept in touch with" for years, and only told you now? I bet you would not be okay with that, at all.

You need to be honest and cut off these relationships (and it is a relationship) with other men if you want to keep him. Full stop.

[Anonymous]

OP, did you talk it through with your bf? Update?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He assumed because you didn’t tell him?

Yes. He knew about the friend but I didn’t mention that we saw each other because it was so infrequent.

You are lying to yourself and BF. You are keeping the door open.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, did you talk it through with your bf? Update?

OP here. Yes. I apologized to my boyfriend for blindsiding him with news I’d been in touch with the fling, and acknowledged our communicating was inappropriate. I also set boundaries with the former fling and, though I don’t have secrets from my boyfriend, made a commitment to be as forthright as possible when things come up. As for his judgment of me, which I didn’t previously explain here, it centers around less-positive aspects of my past (I cheated once, was involved with a married person), and he acknowledged it was (unfairly) negatively affecting his view of me in spite of how I’ve shown up in this relationship. Meanwhile, he’s guilty of doing those same things, and is working to understand his bent towards judgment of others and how to improve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, did you talk it through with your bf? Update?

OP here. Yes. I apologized to my boyfriend for blindsiding him with news I’d been in touch with the fling, and acknowledged our communicating was inappropriate. I also set boundaries with the former fling and, though I don’t have secrets from my boyfriend, made a commitment to be as forthright as possible when things come up. As for his judgment of me, which I didn’t previously explain here, it centers around less-positive aspects of my past (I cheated once, was involved with a married person), and he acknowledged it was (unfairly) negatively affecting his view of me in spite of how I’ve shown up in this relationship. Meanwhile, he’s guilty of doing those same things, and is working to understand his bent towards judgment of others and how to improve.

Sounds like match made in heaven. Enjoy it while it lasts because it's not going to. You two are doomed. Wouldn't be surprised if one of you is cheating now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, did you talk it through with your bf? Update?

OP here. Yes. I apologized to my boyfriend for blindsiding him with news I’d been in touch with the fling, and acknowledged our communicating was inappropriate. I also set boundaries with the former fling and, though I don’t have secrets from my boyfriend, made a commitment to be as forthright as possible when things come up. As for his judgment of me, which I didn’t previously explain here, it centers around less-positive aspects of my past (I cheated once, was involved with a married person), and he acknowledged it was (unfairly) negatively affecting his view of me in spite of how I’ve shown up in this relationship. Meanwhile, he’s guilty of doing those same things, and is working to understand his bent towards judgment of others and how to improve.

Sounds like match made in heaven. Enjoy it while it lasts because it's not going to. You two are doomed. Wouldn't be surprised if one of you is cheating now.

Why do you think that? Serious question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, did you talk it through with your bf? Update?

OP here. Yes. I apologized to my boyfriend for blindsiding him with news I’d been in touch with the fling, and acknowledged our communicating was inappropriate. I also set boundaries with the former fling and, though I don’t have secrets from my boyfriend, made a commitment to be as forthright as possible when things come up. As for his judgment of me, which I didn’t previously explain here, it centers around less-positive aspects of my past (I cheated once, was involved with a married person), and he acknowledged it was (unfairly) negatively affecting his view of me in spite of how I’ve shown up in this relationship. Meanwhile, he’s guilty of doing those same things, and is working to understand his bent towards judgment of others and how to improve.

Sounds like match made in heaven. Enjoy it while it lasts because it's not going to. You two are doomed. Wouldn't be surprised if one of you is cheating now.

Why do you think that? Serious question.

They're both cheaters/adulterers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Given our history, I recognize maintaining an active friendship with my former fling is inappropriate. I’d always made space for him as a friend and considered it innocent because we were no longer intimate. That said, I’d recently been thinking the friendship should end as my relationship became more serious and after I caught him on camera shoveling my snow.... Also it came to me today that I’d never mentioned him to my last boyfriend from six years ago. Not exactly sure why I shared in this new relationship but am glad I did as it’s helped me see a lot of things about myself and my new relationship.

My girlfriends and I have a term for this ex-boyfriend of yours- trinkets. These are remnants of our past dating lives that didn’t work out for some reason but we keep them on the shelf to bring them down and play with them from time to time. They stroke our ego and make ourselves feel better about ourselves. And when we find ourselves in a relationship with potential with a good man these “trinkets” are not compatible with that. You’ve been told and seem to now be aware that your boyfriend probably doesn’t care about your friendship with the ex-boyfriend- it’s your lies by omission when you’re meeting up with him that’s the problem. Full transparency is necessary and without it there’s a questions about motive and trust. How would you feel if you found out your boyfriend met up with an old girlfriend (who obviously still has feelings for him like your old boyfriend has for you) and didn’t tell you about it? You’d be very uncomfortable. Same scenario but he told you in advance he was doing it and talked about it with you when they were through? Totally different outcome.

I love this and I'm totally stealing it.

[Anonymous]

A few thoughts I had, as someone who has been with judgmental partners and has been the judgmental partner:

- Ending your friendship with your ex should have nothing to do with your current relationship. You should only end friendships if they aren't serving you, and you would have ended them anyway. I've ended friendships due to jealous boyfriends and regret it.

- There's nothing wrong with maintaining a friendship with an ex, as long as they are an advocate for you and an ally to the relationship. The problems arise when there are hidden motives and secrecy - for example, I maintained a friendship with an ex, but he would get jealous and didn't want to hear about my new relationships or meet my new partner. That's a problem. I don't mind my partners being friends with ex-girlfriends at all; I think it's a huge positive for them to have additional female influence in their lives. But I want them to be handled the same way as a friendship with a male - I don't want secrecy, I want to be able to meet with them, develop my own friendship with them, etc. Not because I'm jealous, but because I want us to surround ourselves with people who are an ally to our relationship (if that makes sense)

- That being said, I do understand the need to talk with friends about relationship problems. And while it's great to complain to your same-sex friends, you get more insight from friends of the opposite sex (assuming it's a hetero relationship), and especially exes who understand how you operate. If my boyfriend were truly miserable in our relationship, and if his ex genuinely has his best interest in mind (no ulterior motives), I would *want* her to be honest with him.

- Most importantly: judgmental partners generally have their own issues going on, often low self-esteem. It is NOT your responsibility to handle their emotions for them. When I've had judgmental partners - especially ones with double standards, such as it's okay for them to sleep around but not me - any attempts to reassure them and help them feel better just feed into their jealousy and judgement. He needs to address that on his own, and honestly it will probably take a LOT of therapy. Peoples' character generally doesn't change without massive amounts of effort, and even if it does, in times of stress they revert back to their old ways.

- If you have children or want children, keep in mind that they will learn relationship dynamics from you. So if you have daughters, they will learn that it's their responsibility to change for a man. If you have sons, they will learn that the double standard is acceptable and treat women that way.