Anyone spend less money because they don’t want to “look rich”?

[Anonymous]

^pp here, I mean *not* harmed by the same poison. I wsih the best for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Ever hear people complain about others name dropping or discussing big new purchases? I know several that find it off putting, I would too if its the only thing I hear. If its a random exciting thing I don't think its obnoxious. I think its interesting if you were hanging out with a well known figure or are shopping for a second home. You have to wait a long while before knowing who it is safe to talk about that kind of thing and who will be a sour puss.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm the opposite. We are rich, well maybe not rich by DCUM standards. And we want to look rich. It's good to be rich.
Rich people are always treated better than poor people. The richer we look, the better we are treated in the society.

[Anonymous]

Secretly rich people love Volvos and LL Bean

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Secretly rich people love Volvos and LL Bean

So, secretly rich people = New England WASPs?

[Anonymous]

I grew up like this. My parents had money but hated spending it. They grew up without much and thought anything “fancy” was ridiculous and unnecessary. Financially they were out of sync with their social circle but it wasn’t really noticeable as a kid. It was noticeable when I went off to private college and had it all paid for. (My HS peers went to state schools and many took out student loans.) I continued and earned a masters degree. I met and befriended mostly people who were upper middle class or wealthy. As those friends started getting married and having big extravagant weddings, I felt awkward. My parents, of course, thought big weddings were ridiculous and a waste of money. It’s like I didn’t sync with either social circle.

I still kind of feel caught between the two. I’m a 40 yr old SAHM in NW DC. Many many friends and neighbors here come from very privileged backgrounds. So privileged they’ve had no exposure to people who aren’t privileged. Their world views are warped. I dunno what my point is exactly... there are pros to exposing your children to other families who aren’t swimming in cash... who actually have to budget and make hard decisions and do without. BUT... if you have money to set up your kids with a great education, they’re going to socialize with a bunch of rich kids and wonder... why doesn’t my mom buy me nicer clothes or take my friends out to fancy dinners or pay for my wedding or my down payment on that house or etc etc like everyone else’s parents do? It’s hard to transition up the SES ladder gracefully...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Secretly rich people love Volvos and LL Bean

So, secretly rich people = New England WASPs?

Yep

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was raised middle/lower class and am very uncomfortable with displays of wealth. We do very well now, in a way that is so different than how I grew up. However, our friends are mostly middle class (for DCUM, but still) and I feel very uncomfortable spending money in visible ways, even though I could and sometimes want to.

For example, we bought our house years ago and love our neighborhood. House is very in line with friends’ houses or maybe not even as nice. We have done some renovations but it would be amazing to build a custom home. I just feel so uncomfortable thinking about telling anyone that we are doing that or building a large home, even though I would love to live in something like that. It just feels out of sync with our social circle. And I don’t see myself making new friends or fitting in in a luxury home neighborhood or wealthy school district.

I similarly don’t feel comfortable buying luxury cars, because it looks flashy. I don’t care about that at all and run cars to the ground, but I know DH wants a certain car.

I’m ok with spending money on vacations (don’t brag on social media but talk about with friends) and on home furnishings. We save plenty, since our expenses are so far below what we earn. It’s important to me that our kids are not spoiled.

I know this sounds like the silliest problem to have. But anyone else in this boat?

We are the same. We spent our money helping nieces and nephews for their education, brother and sister in need of help, son and daughter need house purchase down payment, and charities.

This is us. Are you by any chance an immigrant? We are Indian-Americans and live in a neighborhood with several Indian-American families that are certainly wealthy enough to live in a more expensive zipcode now. But we are happy where we are. We have our hobbies, charities and for our own self we spend on education, health, safety, good food and travel. Mainly we are helping family members with education so that they can become successful. And we also help siblings, extended family so that they can become surefooted in the future. We are actually not materialistic and got used to living on less because of our early years of financial struggle so now the extra money does not go in expensive anything. DH drives a car that he likes, we eat out, go on vacations and spend on hobbies.

Yes, we are. First generation of immigrant.

That tracks.

We are not in a profession where we have to have to entertain wealthy clients lavish or have a flashy lifestyle. We are IT folks who are somewhat nerdy. When our HHI increased, out SOL did not change drastically. What money gave to us was flexibility of options, convenience, financial security and ability to help family and charities. Being aware how worthier people than us are making far less money makes us also save for the future and control mindless spending.

We are also first Gen immigrants. We have changed homes and neighborhoods six times since we got married. Started in a studio apartment, now in a 10,000+ sqft home. We chose our life for us, not for others. Some friends have stayed with us, some have dropped off. True friendship are those that are maintained by both sides, not the ones we have to keep by holding ourselves back. What's more important is that we have made new friends. My kids are US-born. What's important for them is that they melt into the American culture and understand the importance of building a good social and professional network. We work hard for what we earn, and I don't feel at all guilty spending the money I earn on things I enjoy. To those that do, you only have yourself to blame and I pray that your children are permanently harmed by the same poison.

Yup. Immigrants use the large homes as a status symbol. The telltale sign is a shabby, unkept yard, old cars, and zero landscape. On the inside, no furniture or in some cases plastic lawn furniture (not making this up as I have an immigrant friend like this whom I visited sometime back). There was also a bare twin mattress on the floor in the main level guest bedroom - no bed frame. This family had been in this large home for st least 10 years so this was not a situation where they just moved in. Clearly this family was trying to just “look rich”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was raised middle/lower class and am very uncomfortable with displays of wealth. We do very well now, in a way that is so different than how I grew up. However, our friends are mostly middle class (for DCUM, but still) and I feel very uncomfortable spending money in visible ways, even though I could and sometimes want to.

For example, we bought our house years ago and love our neighborhood. House is very in line with friends’ houses or maybe not even as nice. We have done some renovations but it would be amazing to build a custom home. I just feel so uncomfortable thinking about telling anyone that we are doing that or building a large home, even though I would love to live in something like that. It just feels out of sync with our social circle. And I don’t see myself making new friends or fitting in in a luxury home neighborhood or wealthy school district.

I similarly don’t feel comfortable buying luxury cars, because it looks flashy. I don’t care about that at all and run cars to the ground, but I know DH wants a certain car.

I’m ok with spending money on vacations (don’t brag on social media but talk about with friends) and on home furnishings. We save plenty, since our expenses are so far below what we earn. It’s important to me that our kids are not spoiled.

I know this sounds like the silliest problem to have. But anyone else in this boat?

We are the same. We spent our money helping nieces and nephews for their education, brother and sister in need of help, son and daughter need house purchase down payment, and charities.

This is us. Are you by any chance an immigrant? We are Indian-Americans and live in a neighborhood with several Indian-American families that are certainly wealthy enough to live in a more expensive zipcode now. But we are happy where we are. We have our hobbies, charities and for our own self we spend on education, health, safety, good food and travel. Mainly we are helping family members with education so that they can become successful. And we also help siblings, extended family so that they can become surefooted in the future. We are actually not materialistic and got used to living on less because of our early years of financial struggle so now the extra money does not go in expensive anything. DH drives a car that he likes, we eat out, go on vacations and spend on hobbies.

Yes, we are. First generation of immigrant.

That tracks.

We are not in a profession where we have to have to entertain wealthy clients lavish or have a flashy lifestyle. We are IT folks who are somewhat nerdy. When our HHI increased, out SOL did not change drastically. What money gave to us was flexibility of options, convenience, financial security and ability to help family and charities. Being aware how worthier people than us are making far less money makes us also save for the future and control mindless spending.

We are also first Gen immigrants. We have changed homes and neighborhoods six times since we got married. Started in a studio apartment, now in a 10,000+ sqft home. We chose our life for us, not for others. Some friends have stayed with us, some have dropped off. True friendship are those that are maintained by both sides, not the ones we have to keep by holding ourselves back. What's more important is that we have made new friends. My kids are US-born. What's important for them is that they melt into the American culture and understand the importance of building a good social and professional network. We work hard for what we earn, and I don't feel at all guilty spending the money I earn on things I enjoy. To those that do, you only have yourself to blame and I pray that your children are permanently harmed by the same poison.

Yup. Immigrants use the large homes as a status symbol. The telltale sign is a shabby, unkept yard, old cars, and zero landscape. On the inside, no furniture or in some cases plastic lawn furniture (not making this up as I have an immigrant friend like this whom I visited sometime back). There was also a bare twin mattress on the floor in the main level guest bedroom - no bed frame. This family had been in this large home for st least 10 years so this was not a situation where they just moved in. Clearly this family was trying to just “look rich”.

You should say some immigrants, but not all immigrants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was raised middle/lower class and am very uncomfortable with displays of wealth. We do very well now, in a way that is so different than how I grew up. However, our friends are mostly middle class (for DCUM, but still) and I feel very uncomfortable spending money in visible ways, even though I could and sometimes want to.

For example, we bought our house years ago and love our neighborhood. House is very in line with friends’ houses or maybe not even as nice. We have done some renovations but it would be amazing to build a custom home. I just feel so uncomfortable thinking about telling anyone that we are doing that or building a large home, even though I would love to live in something like that. It just feels out of sync with our social circle. And I don’t see myself making new friends or fitting in in a luxury home neighborhood or wealthy school district.

I similarly don’t feel comfortable buying luxury cars, because it looks flashy. I don’t care about that at all and run cars to the ground, but I know DH wants a certain car.

I’m ok with spending money on vacations (don’t brag on social media but talk about with friends) and on home furnishings. We save plenty, since our expenses are so far below what we earn. It’s important to me that our kids are not spoiled.

I know this sounds like the silliest problem to have. But anyone else in this boat?

We are the same. We spent our money helping nieces and nephews for their education, brother and sister in need of help, son and daughter need house purchase down payment, and charities.

This is us. Are you by any chance an immigrant? We are Indian-Americans and live in a neighborhood with several Indian-American families that are certainly wealthy enough to live in a more expensive zipcode now. But we are happy where we are. We have our hobbies, charities and for our own self we spend on education, health, safety, good food and travel. Mainly we are helping family members with education so that they can become successful. And we also help siblings, extended family so that they can become surefooted in the future. We are actually not materialistic and got used to living on less because of our early years of financial struggle so now the extra money does not go in expensive anything. DH drives a car that he likes, we eat out, go on vacations and spend on hobbies.

Yes, we are. First generation of immigrant.

That tracks.

We are not in a profession where we have to have to entertain wealthy clients lavish or have a flashy lifestyle. We are IT folks who are somewhat nerdy. When our HHI increased, out SOL did not change drastically. What money gave to us was flexibility of options, convenience, financial security and ability to help family and charities. Being aware how worthier people than us are making far less money makes us also save for the future and control mindless spending.

We are also first Gen immigrants. We have changed homes and neighborhoods six times since we got married. Started in a studio apartment, now in a 10,000+ sqft home. We chose our life for us, not for others. Some friends have stayed with us, some have dropped off. True friendship are those that are maintained by both sides, not the ones we have to keep by holding ourselves back. What's more important is that we have made new friends. My kids are US-born. What's important for them is that they melt into the American culture and understand the importance of building a good social and professional network. We work hard for what we earn, and I don't feel at all guilty spending the money I earn on things I enjoy. To those that do, you only have yourself to blame and I pray that your children are permanently harmed by the same poison.

Yup. Immigrants use the large homes as a status symbol. The telltale sign is a shabby, unkept yard, old cars, and zero landscape. On the inside, no furniture or in some cases plastic lawn furniture (not making this up as I have an immigrant friend like this whom I visited sometime back). There was also a bare twin mattress on the floor in the main level guest bedroom - no bed frame. This family had been in this large home for st least 10 years so this was not a situation where they just moved in. Clearly this family was trying to just “look rich”.

You should not take one of your immigrant friend and generalized all immigrants are like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was raised middle/lower class and am very uncomfortable with displays of wealth. We do very well now, in a way that is so different than how I grew up. However, our friends are mostly middle class (for DCUM, but still) and I feel very uncomfortable spending money in visible ways, even though I could and sometimes want to.

For example, we bought our house years ago and love our neighborhood. House is very in line with friends’ houses or maybe not even as nice. We have done some renovations but it would be amazing to build a custom home. I just feel so uncomfortable thinking about telling anyone that we are doing that or building a large home, even though I would love to live in something like that. It just feels out of sync with our social circle. And I don’t see myself making new friends or fitting in in a luxury home neighborhood or wealthy school district.

I similarly don’t feel comfortable buying luxury cars, because it looks flashy. I don’t care about that at all and run cars to the ground, but I know DH wants a certain car.

I’m ok with spending money on vacations (don’t brag on social media but talk about with friends) and on home furnishings. We save plenty, since our expenses are so far below what we earn. It’s important to me that our kids are not spoiled.

I know this sounds like the silliest problem to have. But anyone else in this boat?

We are the same. We spent our money helping nieces and nephews for their education, brother and sister in need of help, son and daughter need house purchase down payment, and charities.

This is us. Are you by any chance an immigrant? We are Indian-Americans and live in a neighborhood with several Indian-American families that are certainly wealthy enough to live in a more expensive zipcode now. But we are happy where we are. We have our hobbies, charities and for our own self we spend on education, health, safety, good food and travel. Mainly we are helping family members with education so that they can become successful. And we also help siblings, extended family so that they can become surefooted in the future. We are actually not materialistic and got used to living on less because of our early years of financial struggle so now the extra money does not go in expensive anything. DH drives a car that he likes, we eat out, go on vacations and spend on hobbies.

Yes, we are. First generation of immigrant.

That tracks.

We are not in a profession where we have to have to entertain wealthy clients lavish or have a flashy lifestyle. We are IT folks who are somewhat nerdy. When our HHI increased, out SOL did not change drastically. What money gave to us was flexibility of options, convenience, financial security and ability to help family and charities. Being aware how worthier people than us are making far less money makes us also save for the future and control mindless spending.

We are also first Gen immigrants. We have changed homes and neighborhoods six times since we got married. Started in a studio apartment, now in a 10,000+ sqft home. We chose our life for us, not for others. Some friends have stayed with us, some have dropped off. True friendship are those that are maintained by both sides, not the ones we have to keep by holding ourselves back. What's more important is that we have made new friends. My kids are US-born. What's important for them is that they melt into the American culture and understand the importance of building a good social and professional network. We work hard for what we earn, and I don't feel at all guilty spending the money I earn on things I enjoy. To those that do, you only have yourself to blame and I pray that your children are permanently harmed by the same poison.

Yup. Immigrants use the large homes as a status symbol. The telltale sign is a shabby, unkept yard, old cars, and zero landscape. On the inside, no furniture or in some cases plastic lawn furniture (not making this up as I have an immigrant friend like this whom I visited sometime back). There was also a bare twin mattress on the floor in the main level guest bedroom - no bed frame. This family had been in this large home for st least 10 years so this was not a situation where they just moved in. Clearly this family was trying to just “look rich”.

You should not take one of your immigrant friend and generalized all immigrants are like this.

Awww....it must make PP feel good about looking down at the "immigrants in mansions".

For most educated people, there is a difference between mindless consumption and spending on living well. We live a nice comfortable lifestyle, with maids and tutors, foreign vacations and expensive hobbies and ECs. We have a well furnished SFH that is decorated well. We however stayed away from the very expensive neighborhoods, expensive luxury cars, designers purses and shoes. We did not want to spend our well earned income on things that were over priced.

Of course, the immigrant family with plastic chairs in their huge mansion? I bet that they paid cash for the house. They will not become house poor in any circumstance. Also, their kids will probably have their college paid for. And they have created wealth for the next generation. Priorities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was raised middle/lower class and am very uncomfortable with displays of wealth. We do very well now, in a way that is so different than how I grew up. However, our friends are mostly middle class (for DCUM, but still) and I feel very uncomfortable spending money in visible ways, even though I could and sometimes want to.

For example, we bought our house years ago and love our neighborhood. House is very in line with friends’ houses or maybe not even as nice. We have done some renovations but it would be amazing to build a custom home. I just feel so uncomfortable thinking about telling anyone that we are doing that or building a large home, even though I would love to live in something like that. It just feels out of sync with our social circle. And I don’t see myself making new friends or fitting in in a luxury home neighborhood or wealthy school district.

I similarly don’t feel comfortable buying luxury cars, because it looks flashy. I don’t care about that at all and run cars to the ground, but I know DH wants a certain car.

I’m ok with spending money on vacations (don’t brag on social media but talk about with friends) and on home furnishings. We save plenty, since our expenses are so far below what we earn. It’s important to me that our kids are not spoiled.

I know this sounds like the silliest problem to have. But anyone else in this boat?

We are the same. We spent our money helping nieces and nephews for their education, brother and sister in need of help, son and daughter need house purchase down payment, and charities.

This is us. Are you by any chance an immigrant? We are Indian-Americans and live in a neighborhood with several Indian-American families that are certainly wealthy enough to live in a more expensive zipcode now. But we are happy where we are. We have our hobbies, charities and for our own self we spend on education, health, safety, good food and travel. Mainly we are helping family members with education so that they can become successful. And we also help siblings, extended family so that they can become surefooted in the future. We are actually not materialistic and got used to living on less because of our early years of financial struggle so now the extra money does not go in expensive anything. DH drives a car that he likes, we eat out, go on vacations and spend on hobbies.

Yes, we are. First generation of immigrant.

That tracks.

We are not in a profession where we have to have to entertain wealthy clients lavish or have a flashy lifestyle. We are IT folks who are somewhat nerdy. When our HHI increased, out SOL did not change drastically. What money gave to us was flexibility of options, convenience, financial security and ability to help family and charities. Being aware how worthier people than us are making far less money makes us also save for the future and control mindless spending.

We are also first Gen immigrants. We have changed homes and neighborhoods six times since we got married. Started in a studio apartment, now in a 10,000+ sqft home. We chose our life for us, not for others. Some friends have stayed with us, some have dropped off. True friendship are those that are maintained by both sides, not the ones we have to keep by holding ourselves back. What's more important is that we have made new friends. My kids are US-born. What's important for them is that they melt into the American culture and understand the importance of building a good social and professional network. We work hard for what we earn, and I don't feel at all guilty spending the money I earn on things I enjoy. To those that do, you only have yourself to blame and I pray that your children are permanently harmed by the same poison.

We also spend on things that we enjoy. We certainly do not enjoy a huge house because we are also pretty environmentally conscious. Examples of mindless conspicuous consumption to us only means that the person has not evolved in the hierarchy of needs as listed by Maslow. The truly wealthy people we know life modestly (comparatively). Our kids are also US-born and have no dearth of social and professional network. They are also incredibly high achieving and the doors have opened for them by their own merit.

You sound very stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:



We are also first Gen immigrants. We have changed homes and neighborhoods six times since we got married. Started in a studio apartment, now in a 10,000+ sqft home. We chose our life for us, not for others. Some friends have stayed with us, some have dropped off. True friendship are those that are maintained by both sides, not the ones we have to keep by holding ourselves back. What's more important is that we have made new friends. My kids are US-born. What's important for them is that they melt into the American culture and understand the importance of building a good social and professional network. We work hard for what we earn, and I don't feel at all guilty spending the money I earn on things I enjoy. To those that do, you only have yourself to blame and I pray that your children are (edit: not) permanently harmed by the same poison.

We also spend on things that we enjoy. We certainly do not enjoy a huge house because we are also pretty environmentally conscious. Examples of mindless conspicuous consumption to us only means that the person has not evolved in the hierarchy of needs as listed by Maslow. The truly wealthy people we know life modestly (comparatively). Our kids are also US-born and have no dearth of social and professional network. They are also incredibly high achieving and the doors have opened for them by their own merit.

You sound very stupid.

PP here. The point, which you missed, is that what you enjoy and what other people enjoy is not the same. These are subjective preferences. To hold up your own subjective preferences as if they are objectively or morally superior to other people's preferences is irrational and wrong. What is "mindless consumption" is not to others. You are not the judge of these things. Yet here you are, immersed in your illusion that you know better, passing judgment on the preferences of others, and calling them stupid for simply not preferring the same things as you. I also question how many truly wealthy people you can possibly know, given that you artificially hold yourself back from consumption because you think it makes you a better person. I've come to understand that people have different ideas of what qualifies as "wealthy".

Congrats on your kids' achievements. Keep in mind that part of our job as parents is to provide an elevated foundation on which our children can rise up higher than us. Towards this goal, it's important for us to provide our kids with every advantage and privilege that we can. It's because generations past provided increasing levels of support that human civilization can advance as a whole. If we all required our kids to survive on "their own merit", we would all still be living in straw huts by the river.

[Anonymous]

I don't think I've ever looked at a purchase from this perspective. If it's something we want and can afford, we buy it. If it's not a smart purchase or is going to be a money sink, it's probably not something we'll buy. We're not extravagant by nature, but we're also not going to deny ourselves or our children because of what other people think.

My spouse grew up LC, I grew up blue-collar MC, and both of our families think that we are rolling in it as UMC professionals. What "looks rich" is entirely subjective. I have a set of rings (engagement, wedding, anniversary) that are modest by DC standards but ostentatious by our family of origin's standards. Honestly, it's not a game you can win, so why bother trying?

[Anonymous]

As long as I am not paying your bills I do not care how you spend your money. Don't be a burden on me or society and you are good.