Anyone spend less money because they don’t want to “look rich”?

[Anonymous]

I'm with you, OP. I am slowly shopping to replace my 2009 SUV. I want a cute little luxury car. Having a hard time pulling the trigger although it is definitely not a question of being able to afford it. Strong Midwestern middle class roots here too.

[Anonymous]

This is such a subjective thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


We are also first Gen immigrants. We have changed homes and neighborhoods six times since we got married. Started in a studio apartment, now in a 10,000+ sqft home. We chose our life for us, not for others. Some friends have stayed with us, some have dropped off. True friendship are those that are maintained by both sides, not the ones we have to keep by holding ourselves back. What's more important is that we have made new friends. My kids are US-born. What's important for them is that they melt into the American culture and understand the importance of building a good social and professional network. We work hard for what we earn, and I don't feel at all guilty spending the money I earn on things I enjoy. To those that do, you only have yourself to blame and I pray that your children are (edit: not) permanently harmed by the same poison.

Yup. Immigrants use the large homes as a status symbol. The telltale sign is a shabby, unkept yard, old cars, and zero landscape. On the inside, no furniture or in some cases plastic lawn furniture (not making this up as I have an immigrant friend like this whom I visited sometime back). There was also a bare twin mattress on the floor in the main level guest bedroom - no bed frame. This family had been in this large home for st least 10 years so this was not a situation where they just moved in. Clearly this family was trying to just “look rich”.

Geez, *that*'s your reaction? Sour grapes?

The type of home you described does exist among first-generation Asian Immigrants. Some of them are owned by older people who want to put their money into a safe place like real estate but don't really have any desire to decorate their home. It's simply a way for them to preserve their wealth. They are not doing it to look rich to others. The second type are younger rich people from Asia buying and holding real estate in the US to park their money. The homes stay empty or only partially furnished. Sometimes they would have a wife, girlfriend, or nanny living there taking care of a child. This type of home is becoming rarer these past due years due to stricter Chinese capital outflow regulations. That said, these types of large but unmaintained/unfurnished homes are the exception rather than the rule among immigrants. McLean has a large number of immigrants and all of the ones I've visited have been quite well furnished. I may not agree with all the decorating tastes, but they were certainly not bare or under furnished.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm with you, OP. I am slowly shopping to replace my 2009 SUV. I want a cute little luxury car. Having a hard time pulling the trigger although it is definitely not a question of being able to afford it. Strong Midwestern middle class roots here too.

You are so affected by what others think of you that you are frozen into inaction? Are you that insecure? Why do you care so much how others perceive you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our volvo cost 80k

As did ours. But for DH, I don't think most people would realized he spent that much on a Volvo. Whereas if he drove a BMW, people would think he spent a lot.

Huh? Volvos are expensive cars.

They’re not really a luxury brand though in the same way as bmw, Mercedes, Audi, Tesla, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm with you, OP. I am slowly shopping to replace my 2009 SUV. I want a cute little luxury car. Having a hard time pulling the trigger although it is definitely not a question of being able to afford it. Strong Midwestern middle class roots here too.

You are so affected by what others think of you that you are frozen into inaction? Are you that insecure? Why do you care so much how others perceive you?

I can't decide what my own values are. I expected to have a secure upper middle class lifestyle based on my education and work history, but due to investing luck and the great stock market returns for the last 30 years, I have more money than I ever anticipated. It's not how I look to others, it's how I look to myself. I already make significant charitable contributions of time and money so it's not even that I think the money could be better spent elsewhere. I dunno.

[Anonymous]

OP for me it's about growing up poor. I want to see that money in my bank period.

Also, I don't yearn for fancy things. I do like new cars from a safety point of view but depreciating asset gets me every time.

House only criteria great schools. Education can not be taken away. House is a home because you make it one not because of what is in it. Is it nice to live in a bigger house sure, but that comes with lots of bills. Personally, the smallest house in the best neighborhood I could afford.

I am very happy to see my money sitting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up like this. My parents had money but hated spending it. They grew up without much and thought anything “fancy” was ridiculous and unnecessary. Financially they were out of sync with their social circle but it wasn’t really noticeable as a kid. It was noticeable when I went off to private college and had it all paid for. (My HS peers went to state schools and many took out student loans.) I continued and earned a masters degree. I met and befriended mostly people who were upper middle class or wealthy. As those friends started getting married and having big extravagant weddings, I felt awkward. My parents, of course, thought big weddings were ridiculous and a waste of money. It’s like I didn’t sync with either social circle.

I still kind of feel caught between the two. I’m a 40 yr old SAHM in NW DC. Many many friends and neighbors here come from very privileged backgrounds. So privileged they’ve had no exposure to people who aren’t privileged. Their world views are warped. I dunno what my point is exactly... there are pros to exposing your children to other families who aren’t swimming in cash... who actually have to budget and make hard decisions and do without. BUT... if you have money to set up your kids with a great education, they’re going to socialize with a bunch of rich kids and wonder... why doesn’t my mom buy me nicer clothes or take my friends out to fancy dinners or pay for my wedding or my down payment on that house or etc etc like everyone else’s parents do? It’s hard to transition up the SES ladder gracefully...

I don't know about this. I grew up with the same kind of parents and in HS/college, I was definitely jealous of peers who'd grown up with parents who spent more freely than mine did. But now, as an adult? I'm SO grateful those values were ingrained.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm with you, OP. I am slowly shopping to replace my 2009 SUV. I want a cute little luxury car. Having a hard time pulling the trigger although it is definitely not a question of being able to afford it. Strong Midwestern middle class roots here too.

You are so affected by what others think of you that you are frozen into inaction? Are you that insecure? Why do you care so much how others perceive you?

I can't decide what my own values are. I expected to have a secure upper middle class lifestyle based on my education and work history, but due to investing luck and the great stock market returns for the last 30 years, I have more money than I ever anticipated. It's not how I look to others, it's how I look to myself. I already make significant charitable contributions of time and money so it's not even that I think the money could be better spent elsewhere. I dunno.

So then maybe you are not with the OP as you originally thought? The OP's post is about how spending money appears to others as "look rich". If you are held back from spending on the cute little luxury car due to selfish personal reasons, then more power to you! That's a perfectly rational reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP for me it's about growing up poor. I want to see that money in my bank period.

Also, I don't yearn for fancy things. I do like new cars from a safety point of view but depreciating asset gets me every time.

House only criteria great schools. Education can not be taken away. House is a home because you make it one not because of what is in it. Is it nice to live in a bigger house sure, but that comes with lots of bills. Personally, the smallest house in the best neighborhood I could afford.

I am very happy to see my money sitting.

For what its worth, money sitting in the bank is also a depreciating asset.

[Anonymous]

This thread has been helpful. I’m like this, and I had not thought about why, but it comes back to my own hang-ups. I grew up poor. I felt uncomfortable around rich people. And felt embarrassed sometimes. Whether right or wrong, that’s how I felt as a kid.

I guess deep down, I felt like flaunting my wealth would make my friends uncomfortable in the way I felt uncomfortable. And I don’t want to do that. As I think about it now, I don’t feel uncomfortable visiting someone in a mansion or a tiny apartment (although I do notice, not in a snobby way, but I guess going back to my own hyper awareness of it as a child). I would think my friends are the same way now. They might notice but it doesn’t actually change anything.

I guess I also worried that people would hold back - a friend who may have previously complained about daycare costs might hold that back. But I’m sure she probably is holding back other information for various other reasons, just as I do.

I will also admit that I think people who show off a lot of material wealth are superficial, so I wouldn’t want people to think I’m superficial in the way that I judge. Again, that comes back to my own hang ups and I should just get over it.

[Anonymous]

I would not hesitate to love in a more comfortable home because of others.

We live in a 10,000+ sf house in McLean and we renovated and furnished it the way I liked. We are minimalists and not flashy people. Our house just has more space to spread out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not hesitate to love in a more comfortable home because of others.

We live in a 10,000+ sf house in McLean and we renovated and furnished it the way I liked. We are minimalists and not flashy people. Our house just has more space to spread out.

Hi neighbor! I request a house tour and will bring wine!

[Anonymous]

When I was in college, I figured out the difference between my solidly middle class friends and me - when I said I had $20 to last me through the week, I had $20 and not a penny more. Their budget was $20, but with wiggle room. I had no wiggle room - and I lived that way through most of my 20s, finally paid off my student loans, and then married someone who made more money than me.

I thought I 'made it' when I didn't have to do financial accounting down to the penny on a weekly basis.

But, like so many in DC, while we have a good income, we don't feel rich - cars are old, house needs repairs, etc. We live moderately frugally, throwing $$ into 529s and 401Ks.

However, we did buy a modest townhouse outside of Rehoboth this year. And I feel SO WEIRD about it. My immediate family knows but haven't told any extended relatives, anyone beyond our close circle of friends, etc. I could never imagine putting it on Facebook that we bought a second home!! I do not know how to be comfortable with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm with you, OP. I am slowly shopping to replace my 2009 SUV. I want a cute little luxury car. Having a hard time pulling the trigger although it is definitely not a question of being able to afford it. Strong Midwestern middle class roots here too.

You are so affected by what others think of you that you are frozen into inaction? Are you that insecure? Why do you care so much how others perceive you?

I can't decide what my own values are. I expected to have a secure upper middle class lifestyle based on my education and work history, but due to investing luck and the great stock market returns for the last 30 years, I have more money than I ever anticipated. It's not how I look to others, it's how I look to myself. I already make significant charitable contributions of time and money so it's not even that I think the money could be better spent elsewhere. I dunno.

Ditto. Well said.