Kindness way to tell friend that we can't host her child anymore

[Anonymous]

But I like the suggestion of rigidly enforcing the rules and sending him home if he doesn't follow them, too. so *shrug*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To be honest I would take the easy way out and blame this on Covid, how hard life is right now, feeling like I'm at a breaking point, while also just mentioning his behavior has been a bit over the top the last few times and I am just at my breaking point. Hope we can resume again when I am feeling better, it's still nice for all of us to get together in a park somewhere (with his parent there), etc. But for now I'm too burned out to manage on my own. Then stick to it.

I know others might say total honesty is required here, but I don't think it is. This kid might be doing this in part because of Covid anyway. Life is weird right now. Circumstances could change and get better. The real truth is that right now, this isn't working.

+1. No one likes to hear negative feedback on their kids. It’s one thing if it’s a teacher or nanny, but this is just a playdate situation which is completely voluntary. I’d just not do the drop off playdates for a while.

[Anonymous]

The next time they came both of us would tell him that he must abide by my rules in my house and that I will call his Mom to come get him the moment he steps out of line. I would tell him that if unacceptable behavior causes us to have to cut short 2 playdates then there won't be another one for at least 2 weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you've been having drop off playdates for 3 years, I would be disciplining this child like he was my own.

When he doesn't listen to a well stated rule, he goes home. Each and every time.

Good god you've been a doormat for years.

This. I would also explain why the play date was cut short.

I like this approach too.

I think you should have the uncomfortable conversation with your friend and then enlist her help with the above suggestion. Tell her you don’t want to stop hosting play dates altogether, but that you need her to be available to pick her son up ASAP if at any time he doesn’t follow the rules. Then follow through and put an abrupt end to play dates as soon as he misbehaves, even if it’s only 10 minutes into the play date. Hopefully, he’ll catch on, and if he doesn’t, your friend will find that it’s easier for her to host.

+1 You might need to switch to more structured activities or keep it outdoors and have 2 adults there (OP + friend) and see if you can get back to a better place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would just tell her you are concerned for his safety and can't manage drop-off playdates due to having to watch your other kids (give the climbing on shelves and leaving the house as examples).

How is his behavior at venues (park, pool, bowling, mini golf, etc.)? If it's better, maybe you could you host things like that on occasion, and she could host playdates at houses. 7 year olds should be able to have a playdate without adult intervention, I understand why you are frustrated.

+1

Sounds like SN, OP. We ran into this situation many times- the kids were much happier once the parents got them the help they needed. The parents won't tell you because they either don't know or don't want others to know - BUT it does their child an enormous disservice, because (especially if they act "surprised" at his inappropriate behavior) it makes it much harder for you to not have the proper tools to handle the situations (plural). They are letting you down, but they are also letting him down, tremendously, especially if you are supposed to be close friends.

Don't say anything about the SN part unless they ask you, and even then tread extremely carefully. This post will trigger some people, but they need to hear an outsider's perspective. I do hope they get the child help now, so that it will make it easier for them to make friends later. This is the best way I can sum it up, after having seen it from preschool to high school ages - without help, it will not go away, and it does not get better, and the kid really struggles. With proper help - he will become a better version of himself.

OP, you need your energy for your house and children - not this. SN or not, do not let other people pawn their kids off on you. It is too much, and there is good reason they are trying to do that.

[Anonymous]

If my child drew on walks at other people’s houses I would be mortified. I am surprised the mom isn’t, and is acting it’s NBD.
This makes me think the feedback won’t be taken well.
I would just say that 4 kids to manage while WFH is getting to be too much and has resulted in them destroying things and not listening so you are switching to (whatever you want to switch to).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To be honest I would take the easy way out and blame this on Covid, how hard life is right now, feeling like I'm at a breaking point, while also just mentioning his behavior has been a bit over the top the last few times and I am just at my breaking point. Hope we can resume again when I am feeling better, it's still nice for all of us to get together in a park somewhere (with his parent there), etc. But for now I'm too burned out to manage on my own. Then stick to it.

I know others might say total honesty is required here, but I don't think it is. This kid might be doing this in part because of Covid anyway. Life is weird right now. Circumstances could change and get better. The real truth is that right now, this isn't working.

+1. No one likes to hear negative feedback on their kids. It’s one thing if it’s a teacher or nanny, but this is just a playdate situation which is completely voluntary. I’d just not do the drop off playdates for a while.

+1

I would, also because is OP's child really getting anything out of it at this point? Of course, your friend enjoys dropping off her child, but I don't think I would depend on her coming to pick him up when there is trouble. It is a safety issue for your child, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If my child drew on walks at other people’s houses I would be mortified. I am surprised the mom isn’t, and is acting it’s NBD.
This makes me think the feedback won’t be taken well.
I would just say that 4 kids to manage while WFH is getting to be too much and has resulted in them destroying things and not listening so you are switching to (whatever you want to switch to).

+1

Bingo. "What problem?" Is probably a well practiced verse, at this point. Drop the situation and move on, OP - for your child's sake.

I know someone who sent their SN children out of the house every weekend, and the dad brought them to the same house, and the mom (of the house visited) finally planned family outings for that day. Some people don't want to deal with their own kids, OP - not your problem, SN or not. The point is, if your friend doesn't give you the tools, she can't expect you to help out.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'd approach it like the babysitter approached you - provide the details of a handful of the most recent, most egregious incidents and tell her that you think you need to take a break or change the supervision dynamics or whatever.

I am SO, SO grateful that my friends have had candid conversations with me about my kids' behavior, when warranted. It has helped me parent better and equipped me with information that I needed but didn't already have. I am surprised at the number of people saying that parents don't want to hear negative things about their kids - I consider that information invaluable and it has helped me help my kids develop the skills they need to be in the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'd approach it like the babysitter approached you - provide the details of a handful of the most recent, most egregious incidents and tell her that you think you need to take a break or change the supervision dynamics or whatever.

I am SO, SO grateful that my friends have had candid conversations with me about my kids' behavior, when warranted. It has helped me parent better and equipped me with information that I needed but didn't already have. I am surprised at the number of people saying that parents don't want to hear negative things about their kids - I consider that information invaluable and it has helped me help my kids develop the skills they need to be in the world.

+1

Absolutely true! It only helps the child, in the long run, for the parent to be honest. Some parents aren't equipped (even with the tools) and it is unfair and wrong to subject OP (and the kids!!) to this. If OP wanted to birth more children, she would have. OP, it sounds like you are being too nice, or have a laid back attitude, so the other mom might assume (or hope - wrongly) that her child's behavior is not an issue, and/or simply taking advantage, because she can. The other mom simply should not do this to him - it is robbing her child of what he needs. Please do not enable this. I have seen the denial so many times.

I know of a situation where the mom literally watched it happen (kid was hitting and being violent) and did nothing, and that was the last straw for the other family. Please don't let it get to this. It's not okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you've been having drop off playdates for 3 years, I would be disciplining this child like he was my own.

When he doesn't listen to a well stated rule, he goes home. Each and every time.

Good god you've been a doormat for years.

This. Unless he has social needs, then this. It is very simple and effective. Lay out clear guidelines, offer reminders and warnings if you see it possibly coming. Then boom-home. Keep mom in the loo and let he know the boys seem to be struggling following rules when they are together so you are instituting this new rule until things improve. That makes it a partnership of managing them and warns her of sudden calls. That also gives her the power to do the same in her home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you've been having drop off playdates for 3 years, I would be disciplining this child like he was my own.

When he doesn't listen to a well stated rule, he goes home. Each and every time.

Good god you've been a doormat for years.

This. Unless he has social needs, then this. It is very simple and effective. Lay out clear guidelines, offer reminders and warnings if you see it possibly coming. Then boom-home. Keep mom in the loo and let he know the boys seem to be struggling following rules when they are together so you are instituting this new rule until things improve. That makes it a partnership of managing them and warns her of sudden calls. That also gives her the power to do the same in her home.

But why continue being a doormat when Op has already had enough? No way should OP keep this charade going. Just say you have changes in your schedule, or whatever - doesn't really matter, just stop enabling this user mom.

[Anonymous]

OP here- UPDATE: talked with my friend and it went well. Started the conversation by replying to a text inviting my kid over for a playdate. I said “Before we coordinate plans for the week, could we chat? The playdates at our house have not been going well and I want to get your perspective.” We met up in person for a walk and I was just honest. I did soften it a bit by saying “I don’t know what it is about our house!”. She was genuinely surprised to hear the extent of how hard it has been but acknowledged that this is not totally out of the ordinary for him. She really wants to help him be successful with play dates so she actually asked if she could come over with him next time and be the one supervising at our house. I thought that was a great place to start. She was appreciative and emphasized how important our friendship is. I’m so glad I brought it up!

[Anonymous]

Well in 20 years I never heard of honesty like this suggested went over well. Once a friend said my DD was “ too eager to please” which is very mild but it hurt me deeply.
OP no more play dates for awhile with this boy. Make some excuses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- UPDATE: talked with my friend and it went well. Started the conversation by replying to a text inviting my kid over for a playdate. I said “Before we coordinate plans for the week, could we chat? The playdates at our house have not been going well and I want to get your perspective.” We met up in person for a walk and I was just honest. I did soften it a bit by saying “I don’t know what it is about our house!”. She was genuinely surprised to hear the extent of how hard it has been but acknowledged that this is not totally out of the ordinary for him. She really wants to help him be successful with play dates so she actually asked if she could come over with him next time and be the one supervising at our house. I thought that was a great place to start. She was appreciative and emphasized how important our friendship is. I’m so glad I brought it up!

That’s wonderful. Well done!