Kindness way to tell friend that we can't host her child anymore

[Anonymous]

Since she's a close friend and it sounds like you respect her parenting, I would get really real:

"Hester, could we talk about something that's probably going to be uncomfortable for both of us? The playdates where Billy comes to my house are not working. He's broken things, won't listen to me, won't follow our rules, and I can't manage him while caring for 3 other kids. I'm telling you this because I like Billy and you are a good friend and I really value your family. I don't want to act weird or shut you out, but our current setup isn't working."

My kid has some issues, not the same ones as your friend's kid, but when good friends have gently flagged her issues, I haven't been offended and did help me realize I need to get some help for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you've been having drop off playdates for 3 years, I would be disciplining this child like he was my own.

When he doesn't listen to a well stated rule, he goes home. Each and every time.

Good god you've been a doormat for years.

This. I would also explain why the play date was cut short.

Agree, especially if you are close enough to "love him like your own". That only extends to a close friend and my nieces/nephews for me, and those friends/siblings would expect me to discipline like my own as well.

[Anonymous]

You don't have to explain your reasoning. Why does everyone here think the mom needs to write a verbal novel in explaining herself? Simply say you're "too busy" now. Full stop. Do not tell your child why you are ending the playdates because your child will tell the other child why, and then the mom will find out.

It is not worth trying to fix other parents or their children. They have to learn the hard way that their parenting style and kids are a mess. We are in the middle of a huge parenting crisis in this country. Parents don't know, or refuse, to parent their own children. Just focus on your own kids. You can't save them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't have to explain your reasoning. Why does everyone here think the mom needs to write a verbal novel in explaining herself? Simply say you're "too busy" now. Full stop. Do not tell your child why you are ending the playdates because your child will tell the other child why, and then the mom will find out.

It is not worth trying to fix other parents or their children. They have to learn the hard way that their parenting style and kids are a mess. We are in the middle of a huge parenting crisis in this country. Parents don't know, or refuse, to parent their own children. Just focus on your own kids. You can't save them.

Because OP is really good friends with the other mom and really cares about the other child. No wonder people on these boards are continually posing threads about being lonely and having no friends. When you care about people you have hard conversations and stick with them through tough times.

[Anonymous]

This may very much be true:

Each time, my friend has handled it so appropriately but definitely plays it off like "That is so strange that he did that. I don't know what came over him"

but it’s also true that this is happening at your house and it’s stressful. I would have a heart to heart and tell her that at your house, out of her presence, he seems to lose control and that you’d like to lay off the play dates (at least at your house) for now. Maybe play up the likelihood that he will grow out of this and say maybe you can try again in 6 months or whatever.

[Anonymous]

If I was in this situation with a very close friend, I would be honest. This is a safety issue. Her son is destructive and disruptive and he won't respect your authority or the rules you set. At minimum, you cannot do drop off playdates anymore. She has to be there to supervise her son from now on. I would offer to reciprocate the supervision - when your child goes over there, you come along and stay the whole time as well. But truthfully, if my child was acting like this at someone else's house, I would want to know about it because I'd also want to talk with him and maybe his pediatrician about what's going on that his behavior is so out of control.

[Anonymous]

I'm in a very similar situation OP, but we are not as close with the mom (still good friends though). It's a difficult situation and your post has given me courage to talk to my friends about the kid's behavior when he is over. I love the kid, he's great, but he is SN and I can't handle him and WFH at the same time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you've been having drop off playdates for 3 years, I would be disciplining this child like he was my own.

When he doesn't listen to a well stated rule, he goes home. Each and every time.

Good god you've been a doormat for years.

This. I would also explain why the play date was cut short.

Agree, especially if you are close enough to "love him like your own". That only extends to a close friend and my nieces/nephews for me, and those friends/siblings would expect me to discipline like my own as well.

This. I would also reach to her about it. Tell her YOU are having a hard time getting Larlo to follow house rules and YOU aren’t able to adequately supervise, it conveys the problem without having to demonize her child. Say that the next play date, you need her to stay and help show you how she disciplines him at home. She can let him know that any misbehaving means taking a break from play dates for a little while, and any future play dates, if he doesn’t behave, he goes home immediately. It sounds like the kid is super comfortable with you, but since he isn’t your kid there’s not a lot in the way of consequences.

If she weren’t a close friend, I would just do the whole ‘so busy! Another time’ route.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are the playdates too long and too frequent?
Sometimes the bratty behavior kicks in when the playdates are drawn out too much and the novelty wears off and the playing becomes stale.

Are you sure there is no SN going on? The examples you provide sound like there might be something else going on.

I was going to ask this too. Is it too much togetherness?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't have to explain your reasoning. Why does everyone here think the mom needs to write a verbal novel in explaining herself? Simply say you're "too busy" now. Full stop. Do not tell your child why you are ending the playdates because your child will tell the other child why, and then the mom will find out.

It is not worth trying to fix other parents or their children. They have to learn the hard way that their parenting style and kids are a mess. We are in the middle of a huge parenting crisis in this country. Parents don't know, or refuse, to parent their own children. Just focus on your own kids. You can't save them.

I agree, just stop offering. Surely she has better manners than to invite herself to drop her child off if you don't offer. See her without kids, meet up at parks together or other places that aren't your house, but don't offer to "host" a playdate anymore. It doesn't need an explanation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't have to explain your reasoning. Why does everyone here think the mom needs to write a verbal novel in explaining herself? Simply say you're "too busy" now. Full stop. Do not tell your child why you are ending the playdates because your child will tell the other child why, and then the mom will find out.

It is not worth trying to fix other parents or their children. They have to learn the hard way that their parenting style and kids are a mess. We are in the middle of a huge parenting crisis in this country. Parents don't know, or refuse, to parent their own children. Just focus on your own kids. You can't save them.

I agree, just stop offering. Surely she has better manners than to invite herself to drop her child off if you don't offer. See her without kids, meet up at parks together or other places that aren't your house, but don't offer to "host" a playdate anymore. It doesn't need an explanation.

I truly don't understand these answers. OP says that this is a very close friend. Do you people never tell your friends anything negative? Are you always this vague and avoidant? If I suddenly was "too busy" to host playdates with a kid I've been hosting for < checks OP > 3 years, my close friend would wonder why. She would probably assume it was something she or her kid did and would probably be upset that I chose to be evasive instead of just discussing the issue like adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't have to explain your reasoning. Why does everyone here think the mom needs to write a verbal novel in explaining herself? Simply say you're "too busy" now. Full stop. Do not tell your child why you are ending the playdates because your child will tell the other child why, and then the mom will find out.

It is not worth trying to fix other parents or their children. They have to learn the hard way that their parenting style and kids are a mess. We are in the middle of a huge parenting crisis in this country. Parents don't know, or refuse, to parent their own children. Just focus on your own kids. You can't save them.

I agree, just stop offering. Surely she has better manners than to invite herself to drop her child off if you don't offer. See her without kids, meet up at parks together or other places that aren't your house, but don't offer to "host" a playdate anymore. It doesn't need an explanation.

I truly don't understand these answers. OP says that this is a very close friend. Do you people never tell your friends anything negative? Are you always this vague and avoidant? If I suddenly was "too busy" to host playdates with a kid I've been hosting for < checks OP > 3 years, my close friend would wonder why. She would probably assume it was something she or her kid did and would probably be upset that I chose to be evasive instead of just discussing the issue like adults.

I wouldn’t assume that. Not if I was getting invited to other things and meeting up semi-regularly with them outside house; staying in touch. Play dates don’t go on for ever and ever and it really doesn’t need an explanation. I don’t see how it would help anything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't have to explain your reasoning. Why does everyone here think the mom needs to write a verbal novel in explaining herself? Simply say you're "too busy" now. Full stop. Do not tell your child why you are ending the playdates because your child will tell the other child why, and then the mom will find out.

It is not worth trying to fix other parents or their children. They have to learn the hard way that their parenting style and kids are a mess. We are in the middle of a huge parenting crisis in this country. Parents don't know, or refuse, to parent their own children. Just focus on your own kids. You can't save them.

I agree, just stop offering. Surely she has better manners than to invite herself to drop her child off if you don't offer. See her without kids, meet up at parks together or other places that aren't your house, but don't offer to "host" a playdate anymore. It doesn't need an explanation.

I truly don't understand these answers. OP says that this is a very close friend. Do you people never tell your friends anything negative? Are you always this vague and avoidant? If I suddenly was "too busy" to host playdates with a kid I've been hosting for < checks OP > 3 years, my close friend would wonder why. She would probably assume it was something she or her kid did and would probably be upset that I chose to be evasive instead of just discussing the issue like adults.

Don’t you have any close friends that you had their kids over for play dates a lot when
Little but then it stopped as they got into elementary? Did either of you offer a long winded expiation as to why? This seems pretty normal for play dates to stop as kids get into elementary school unless their are BFFs too- not just you and mom

[Anonymous]

As hard as it may be, tell her the truth.

This child needs help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since she's a close friend and it sounds like you respect her parenting, I would get really real:

"Hester, could we talk about something that's probably going to be uncomfortable for both of us? The playdates where Billy comes to my house are not working. He's broken things, won't listen to me, won't follow our rules, and I can't manage him while caring for 3 other kids. I'm telling you this because I like Billy and you are a good friend and I really value your family. I don't want to act weird or shut you out, but our current setup isn't working."

My kid has some issues, not the same ones as your friend's kid, but when good friends have gently flagged her issues, I haven't been offended and did help me realize I need to get some help for her.

THis is the best answer.