Kindness way to tell friend that we can't host her child anymore

[Anonymous]

OP here- thanks for all the great input.

I was always planning on being honest so I like hearing the wording suggestions. I don't suspect SN (I am in a related field). I just want my friend to feel like i am on her side and I want her to really feel that I love her family a lot. We rented a beach house for our two families this summer so I want to keep the conversation solution-orientated.

Ironically, my other child got a bad report from the babysitter today and she really didn't sugar coat how difficult she was. yikes! It was actually great though because even though it was upsetting to hear about the bad behavior, I was not at all upset with the babysitter. I appreciated the honestly and I actually pressed her for more details so I could get a good picture.

Parenting kids is hard. Parenting kids who have had limited social interaction for the past year is hard. I feel like now is the time to help the kids turn it around.

Tx!

[Anonymous]

OP is the boy your friend’s only child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you've been having drop off playdates for 3 years, I would be disciplining this child like he was my own.

When he doesn't listen to a well stated rule, he goes home. Each and every time.

Good god you've been a doormat for years.

This. I would also explain why the play date was cut short.

Agree, especially if you are close enough to "love him like your own". That only extends to a close friend and my nieces/nephews for me, and those friends/siblings would expect me to discipline like my own as well.

Yep. I made a kid sit on the front step outside my house waiting for her mom to pick her up after I warned her "If you don't follow the house rules you can't stay in the house, and I will contact your mom to pick you up early." She cried hysterically but oh well. I told her "I warned you this would happen if you didn't stop throwing things, because in this house we do not throw things at people's heads." The mother was really pissed, but I think she was actually embarrassed. I don't care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since she's a close friend and it sounds like you respect her parenting, I would get really real:

"Hester, could we talk about something that's probably going to be uncomfortable for both of us? The playdates where Billy comes to my house are not working. He's broken things, won't listen to me, won't follow our rules, and I can't manage him while caring for 3 other kids. I'm telling you this because I like Billy and you are a good friend and I really value your family. I don't want to act weird or shut you out, but our current setup isn't working."

My kid has some issues, not the same ones as your friend's kid, but when good friends have gently flagged her issues, I haven't been offended and did help me realize I need to get some help for her.

This. If she's a good friend, then you have this conversation with her and she will understand and hopefully you can come up with a solution together.

[Anonymous]

I think you also need to be prepared that this may end the friendship if you confront her about it. She'll likely get defensive and it will likely make things weird.

I would just end the playdates if it was me. Just start having it be moms nights out. Or coffee dates when the other parent is around.

That's what I've done with my mom friends as our kids have aged.

[Anonymous]

I no longer feel capable. It's more than I can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you also need to be prepared that this may end the friendship if you confront her about it. She'll likely get defensive and it will likely make things weird.

I would just end the playdates if it was me. Just start having it be moms nights out. Or coffee dates when the other parent is around.

That's what I've done with my mom friends as our kids have aged.

This. These are just play dates. Just don’t have them at your house in this context. Unless she is counting on you having him over for consistent scheduled “play dates” in place of childcare for when she needs to get things done. If you are really the part-time nanny, then yes say something. Just play dates, no. See them at the playground, meet up at the zoo, get ice cream together. There are tons of ways to stay connected and friends without him getting dropped off at your house

[Anonymous]

I would do something differently. I would ask your friend to stay next time when they have a play da e at your house. I would say that you have not been able to take care of all 4 kids and say that BOTH your son and hers go a little crazy when she is not around and they don’t listen to you (perhaps you can mention that this happens especially with her son).

Then watch what she does and how she handles her son. Ask her to show you how to do it (since she can do it better than you).

You live her and her son. You want to fix the issue and the best way is to learn how to handle her son.

This is what I would do...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Suggest to meet up places, like a park. Do not go the playdate-in-home route. Picnics, bike ride, anything outdoors. Just be outdoor activity-focused for a while. If she says stuff about wanting to be in-home, "It's been harder with messes and listening lately, so I figured we could burn off energy outdoors."

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you've been having drop off playdates for 3 years, I would be disciplining this child like he was my own.

When he doesn't listen to a well stated rule, he goes home. Each and every time.

Good god you've been a doormat for years.

This. I would also explain why the play date was cut short.

I like this approach too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SN mom here. No need to cut things off forever, and definitely don't try to armchair diagnose. Just explain that while you love him, the last few playdates have been too much with him not following the house rules and your directions well, and you being distracted with your other kids, so you need to take a break from hosting for now. If you can suggest an alternative, like meeting at a playground every so often, that would be nice.

And P.S. to the PP - labeling bratty is useless and judgmental. Kids don't set out to disappoint grownups, and if they're doing that it means they need more help and support from the grownup.

True, but this isn't her kid, and while an SN kid might need more help and support from the grownups around him/her, that doesn't mean OP is obligated to volunteer herself to provide this extra time and support for someone else's kid. It's OK if OP just doesn't want to do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you've been having drop off playdates for 3 years, I would be disciplining this child like he was my own.

When he doesn't listen to a well stated rule, he goes home. Each and every time.

Good god you've been a doormat for years.

This. I would also explain why the play date was cut short.

I like this approach too.

I think you should have the uncomfortable conversation with your friend and then enlist her help with the above suggestion. Tell her you don’t want to stop hosting play dates altogether, but that you need her to be available to pick her son up ASAP if at any time he doesn’t follow the rules. Then follow through and put an abrupt end to play dates as soon as he misbehaves, even if it’s only 10 minutes into the play date. Hopefully, he’ll catch on, and if he doesn’t, your friend will find that it’s easier for her to host.

[Anonymous]

So glad we don’t do playdates. My kids just play outside in the neighborhood with anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP is the boy your friend’s only child?

Stop trying to blame parents,. My friend had three kids, and one was completely unmanageable while the other two were angels. Some parents get away with taking Parenting 101 and pat themselves on the back for being so "good at it," but other kids are born more challenging, and their parents get PhD's in parenting and no credit for what it takes. And it is a long, hard journey -- you don't train these kids overnight.

OP, just be honest and tell her you are having a hard time getting him to listen and follow the rules. She may have some tips for what works with him, but since you said she seems surprised by the behavior when you did tell her, maybe not. In which case, you play on neutral ground and only with her there too.

[Anonymous]

To be honest I would take the easy way out and blame this on Covid, how hard life is right now, feeling like I'm at a breaking point, while also just mentioning his behavior has been a bit over the top the last few times and I am just at my breaking point. Hope we can resume again when I am feeling better, it's still nice for all of us to get together in a park somewhere (with his parent there), etc. But for now I'm too burned out to manage on my own. Then stick to it.

I know others might say total honesty is required here, but I don't think it is. This kid might be doing this in part because of Covid anyway. Life is weird right now. Circumstances could change and get better. The real truth is that right now, this isn't working.