Kindness way to tell friend that we can't host her child anymore

[Anonymous]

Close close friend. Kids love to play together. We have been doing lots of drop off playdates since the kids were 4 years old. Kids are now 7 and her son's behavior is beyond what I can handle. He is destructive and unsafe. Makes large messes. Disobeys rules (like not going in my husbands home office or not climbing on the shelves in the playroom). He argues and rejects my suggestions for activities. I love him like my own but it is so exhausting and stressful to have him here. I suspect that when the kids play at my friend's house, she is either just way better at redirecting him or she is spending the whole time regulating. I have two other kids and I really just can't manage.

I have talked to my friend about specific incidents on a few occasions. He smashed a beloved toy. He also colored all over a wallpapered wall with a marker. One time, he refused to come inside and I had to text my friend to come get him a bit early because I could not get him to listen to me. Each time, my friend has handled it so appropriately but definitely plays it off like "That is so strange that he did that. I don't know what came over him.".

I feel like with this close of a friend (we are in communication at least via text every day, if not multiple times a day), I can't just push off the playdates and act like we are busy. Like I said, kids love each other so I don't want to spoil their friendship. Would love help with wording!

[Anonymous]

Are the playdates too long and too frequent?
Sometimes the bratty behavior kicks in when the playdates are drawn out too much and the novelty wears off and the playing becomes stale.

Are you sure there is no SN going on? The examples you provide sound like there might be something else going on.

[Anonymous]

I would just tell her you are concerned for his safety and can't manage drop-off playdates due to having to watch your other kids (give the climbing on shelves and leaving the house as examples).

How is his behavior at venues (park, pool, bowling, mini golf, etc.)? If it's better, maybe you could you host things like that on occasion, and she could host playdates at houses. 7 year olds should be able to have a playdate without adult intervention, I understand why you are frustrated.

[Anonymous]

Is it any better outdoors? Do you have a yard?

Since COVID, we have been doing outdoor playdates only and I have noticed that the more difficult kids are easier to host outdoors.

[Anonymous]

SN mom here. No need to cut things off forever, and definitely don't try to armchair diagnose. Just explain that while you love him, the last few playdates have been too much with him not following the house rules and your directions well, and you being distracted with your other kids, so you need to take a break from hosting for now. If you can suggest an alternative, like meeting at a playground every so often, that would be nice.

And P.S. to the PP - labeling bratty is useless and judgmental. Kids don't set out to disappoint grownups, and if they're doing that it means they need more help and support from the grownup.

[Anonymous]

With this close of a friend you sit her down and tell her you love her and you love her child. However, given the dynamics of the play dates with these specific incidents you think best to not host him alone just now. When she’s there great. You absolutely feel both dc will mature and be able to return to one on one play dates but right now they need constant supervision. How about a breather for a bit and then try again.

I would be gentle but specific with his actions and your needs. It is so hard when this happens.

[Anonymous]

It is also possible that your kids are just not a great match. (two great kids, just not great together). If this is a very good friend, you can transition to adult/no kids activities and just get the kids together every so often.

[Anonymous]

When you talk to her, remember the issue is you not the child.

Mary, I'm really sorry but I just am not going to be able to host Joe. I don't know what is up with me but he really does not respond well to me. I feel badly because the kids get along well, they are fine at your house, they do well in school. I don't know what is wrong with me but I just am having problems managing the playdates.

Maybe we can try again in 3 months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you talk to her, remember the issue is you not the child.

Mary, I'm really sorry but I just am not going to be able to host Joe. I don't know what is up with me but he really does not respond well to me. I feel badly because the kids get along well, they are fine at your house, they do well in school. I don't know what is wrong with me but I just am having problems managing the playdates.

Maybe we can try again in 3 months.

I like this approach in general, but I would not say "I don't know what's wrong with me." The emphasis is that he's not responding to OP and OP feels it's beyond her to manage the playdates. She doesn't have to take the blame when nobody is to blame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you talk to her, remember the issue is you not the child.

Mary, I'm really sorry but I just am not going to be able to host Joe. I don't know what is up with me but he really does not respond well to me. I feel badly [b]because the kids get along well, they are fine at your house, they do well in school. I don't know what is wrong with me but I just am having problems managing the playdates.

Maybe we can try again in 3 months.

We don't actually know these things to be true so no. Don't martyr yourself with this kind nonsensical response, OP.

[Anonymous]

Suggest to meet up places, like a park. Do not go the playdate-in-home route. Picnics, bike ride, anything outdoors. Just be outdoor activity-focused for a while. If she says stuff about wanting to be in-home, "It's been harder with messes and listening lately, so I figured we could burn off energy outdoors."

[Anonymous]

If you've been having drop off playdates for 3 years, I would be disciplining this child like he was my own.

When he doesn't listen to a well stated rule, he goes home. Each and every time.

Good god you've been a doormat for years.

[Anonymous]

Alternative perspective- if I were that child’s mom, I would really want to know the extent of it. If he is that difficult with you, he is likely going to behave that way for other people too. I think with that close of a friend, you could just level with her and ask if she could come with him next time so that she can help you problem solve. Kids aren’t just bad eggs. They need support to be successful. I would be so appreciative of a friend who was willing to work with my kid. Signed, a mother of an unpopular child who is not often asked back for a second playdate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you've been having drop off playdates for 3 years, I would be disciplining this child like he was my own.

When he doesn't listen to a well stated rule, he goes home. Each and every time.

Good god you've been a doormat for years.

This. I would also explain why the play date was cut short.

[Anonymous]

I think I would just say it’s been tough for me to host the last few times with having the other kids too - but let’s all meet up at a park or something.