How do I know if my child has special needs, or is just a difficult, brat of a kid?

[Anonymous]

Try having consistent times to do things. Like a set routine. And an immediate consequence if he refuses to do as told. Like time out in his room. I know its hard, easier said than done.

Also, his problem might not only be a lack of routine and consequences, but also problem with "transitions." Try giving heads up few minutes in advance of what needs to be done next. Can even give 5 minute, 2 minute, then ok it's time now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So if you know he wont listen, change your tactic. Hes not the kid you can tell and order and hell comply. He's not there yet. So treat him like a distracted 4 year old. Say "lets go wash hands" and go wash hands with him. Same for a lot of things. Yes jts more time and work but he needs that right now so set him up for success and the praise for completing the action (even of under your immediate supervision).
I have a pretty compliant 5 year old but sometimes she doesn't want to listen or is distracted and there is no point getting angry or frustrated. Yes I know she can do it, but she cant in that moment so i help and praise. She is more likely to do it herself next time.

This is helpful, thanks. It is frustrating to treat him like a toddler!

[Anonymous]

I’m the PP whose five year old was like this and now that he’s 8, he’s thriving. A good CBT psychologist will be able to help with anxiety. Don’t panic that it’s ADD, etc. (Not that ADD is awful! But it’s challenging and I don’t assume that’s what is happening here.) Remember, the past year has been HARD. And being five is hard. So I think he needs more love, support, and help, not more rules and punishments. And YOU need help, too. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

You've had some good recommendations here. If I had to list out 3 books to read first it would be

The Explosive Child (https://www.amazon.com/Explosive-Child-Understanding-Frustrated-Chronically/dp/0062270451)
The Kazdin Method (https://www.amazon.com/Kazdin-Method-Parenting-Defiant-Child/dp/0547085826)
How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk (https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889)

If you grew up in an authoritarian household and have problems implementing positive parenting techniques, you might also need to do some unpacking of your own learned behavior. It's been a while since I've read it, but I recall the first part of Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman, PhD (https://www.amazon.com/Raising-Emotionally-Intelligent-Child-Parenting/dp/0684838656) to be especially powerful. Having been in this situation myself, I learned that the parenting tools I learned as a child were not better and moreover were insufficient for parenting the child I have and damaging to our relationship.

One last note regarding Oppositional Defiance Disorder since someone brought it up -- there is a lot of debate among psychologists about the validity of this diagnosis. Essentially it is purely a diagnosis of a symptom that almost always traces back to a foundational disorder such as Autism, ADHD, or Anxiety (or some combination). When you understand the underlying diagnosis and implement effective strategies, which may include different parenting techniques, therapy, and/or medication, ODD magically goes away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You've had some good recommendations here. If I had to list out 3 books to read first it would be

The Explosive Child (https://www.amazon.com/Explosive-Child-Understanding-Frustrated-Chronically/dp/0062270451)
The Kazdin Method (https://www.amazon.com/Kazdin-Method-Parenting-Defiant-Child/dp/0547085826)
How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk (https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889)

If you grew up in an authoritarian household and have problems implementing positive parenting techniques, you might also need to do some unpacking of your own learned behavior. It's been a while since I've read it, but I recall the first part of Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman, PhD (https://www.amazon.com/Raising-Emotionally-Intelligent-Child-Parenting/dp/0684838656) to be especially powerful. Having been in this situation myself, I learned that the parenting tools I learned as a child were not better and moreover were insufficient for parenting the child I have and damaging to our relationship.

One last note regarding Oppositional Defiance Disorder since someone brought it up -- there is a lot of debate among psychologists about the validity of this diagnosis. Essentially it is purely a diagnosis of a symptom that almost always traces back to a foundational disorder such as Autism, ADHD, or Anxiety (or some combination). When you understand the underlying diagnosis and implement effective strategies, which may include different parenting techniques, therapy, and/or medication, ODD magically goes away.

Also Parenting from the Inside Out is a really good book for helping to unpack counterproductive parenting techniques learned in your own childhood.

[Anonymous]

To echo PP - 5 year olds are tough! They think they are old enough to do things, be in control, etc. but don’t have the logical reasoning or emotional maturity to understand the implications. My 5 yr old DD is perfect in school, but a brat at home. Last night she didn’t understand why “her bedroom” didn’t have a bathroom in it like mom and dad (master suite). “It’s not fair!” Kids are frustrating and hilarious at the same time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To echo PP - 5 year olds are tough! They think they are old enough to do things, be in control, etc. but don’t have the logical reasoning or emotional maturity to understand the implications. My 5 yr old DD is perfect in school, but a brat at home. Last night she didn’t understand why “her bedroom” didn’t have a bathroom in it like mom and dad (master suite). “It’s not fair!” Kids are frustrating and hilarious at the same time.

OP here and thanks, this is helpful. He’s our first so we have nothing to compare him to!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you crack down on the things that matter whether he has SN or not. Having adhd or autism ( to name common ones) is not an excuse to be rude to be people. If you give him his own way to avoid a tantrum you are not doing him any favors. When you say he first listen, what you mean is he doesn’t do as he is told right? Unless he is deaf he is listening, he is choosing to ignore you.

Actually if it is HFa autism unless you stop, get in front of them and look them in the eye they very well could not be listening, hearing or processing anything you are saying. Then you must pick your battles and do the above when telling them something important (if they are rumbling or overwhelmed or pre-occupied)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a special ed teacher of kids with significant needs, and the parent of a really compliant easy to parent kid with ADHD-PI and anxiety, and a high needs, emotional kid with no disability.

All of my kids, both students and bio, respond to structure, consistency, positive parenting, explicit coaching around behavior expectations, good nutrition, lots of exercise, and sleep. Sometimes some kids might need those things to be more explicit than others, or to be explained in fewer words, or used more frequently, but essentially they all require the same things. I think you are imagining one set of techniques for kids who are "special needs" and one for kids who are "brats", but there isn't a dividing line like that.

Some of the things that I use with a lot of success:

Techniques that build relationships, connection and momentum. If you look at ABA materials they call these "pairing activities". Other people would call them "floor time", but basically building time into your day where he has your undivided attention and a fair amount of control over what you do. Don't do this as a reward, or if you get around to it. Make it a priority, and have it happen every day or on a predictable schedule. Name it and write it on the calendar or the daily schedule. If you have a parent at home, have that parent do it 5 days a week when he walks in the door after school. Sit down, have a snack, and ask him what he wants to do, and then spend 30 minutes doing that thing. On the weekends, let the other parent do it. If you both work, trade off and have one parent do it while the other parent makes dinner and switch off.

A predictable routine, visually accessible to him, with lots of first: then structure. In my house my kids know that they do A and then B happens. So, first they wash their hands, and then they have dinner. After dinner first they shower and put on pjs and brush their teeth, and then they have screentime. I don't say "if you don't do X you won't get to . . . " I say "Go wash your hands, it's dinner time" or "go put your pj's on, it's TV time". If the routine is new, then write it down and draw pictures. Knowing what's coming, and when his needs will be met will reduce anxiety, and using first: then will reduce power struggles.

Clearly communicate what you want going into situations, and then reinforce him verbally early. With my emotional active kid, we'd stop outside a space and I'd review expectations, both what was important to me (e.g. stay in the fence at the playground, stay in your seat at the restaurant) and what was important to him (e.g. after we order, Daddy will take you for a walk to look at the fish tank in the lobby. Yes, you can order dessert.).

Lots of praise for doing the right thing, and what I call "super praise" where he hears you praise him to other people. If one of you is with him, and the other is at work, say "I need to text Mommy and tell her how you just . . . . She'll be as proud as I am!"

Consequences, when he needs them that are immediate, brief, and then over.

Strategies for managing anxiety can be really counter intuitive. For example, reassuring my kid that something wouldn't be scary, just plants the idea that it might be. Consoling my kid can be the same. Look for a good book on anxiety. This is a good one to share with your kid: https://www.amazon.com/What-When-Worry-Much-What/dp/1591473144/ref=sr_1_5?dchild=1&keywords=worry+child+workbook&qid=1618708243&sr=8-5

Another book to look at is Ross Greene's Explosive Child. I don't consider my kid explosive, but the techniques in there are helpful for lots of kids.

Pay attention to making sure he's getting lots of good food (and opportunities to have control over how much he eats. Ellyn Satter is good for this is an issue) lots of exercise, and lots of sleep.

Think about medication. Medication is a life changer for a lot of kids. Even this young. I'd medicate for the anxiety before I'd medicate for behavior.

I’m also a teacher and a parent of a 7 yr old with anxiety. This is excellent advice.