How do I know if my child has special needs, or is just a difficult, brat of a kid?
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Anonymous
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The behaviors that you see are not always clearly connected to the diagnosis. You see this the more you understand the complexity of your child and how anxiety manifests itself.
I highly recommend that you find a great therapist for your child and for you so that they work with you so everyone is aligned with how to approach. I have a kid who spends so much energy holding it together through the school day - that when they are done they just melt down. [Imagine how you feel after having preparing for an important meeting that is at the end of the day - now imagine that is every day of the week.] I am not saying the behavior is OK - just trying to give some perspective. I know when I have something big at work, my system becomes overwhelmed, I am not sleeping how I need to and I might not be short with some people I come in contact with. |
Anonymous
| What consequences do you use when he doesn’t listen, is rude, etc? I agree with you that if he’s fine at school, it’s a parenting issue. He may just be a difficult, hard-to-parent kid, and you may need some extra tools in your arsenal to work with him and get him to listen. |
Anonymous
We’ve tried consequences every time he doesn’t listen (lose a toy, time out) but it’s so completely constant that the consequences are non stop, and he loses it screaming. So either we stop asking him not do that/do this and let him go, or we have a miserable existence while we crack down. He never ever listens. We’ve done the strategies (talk silly! Make it a game!) he never listens ever |
Anonymous
| I’d try Kadzin - or hire Tracie Bush for parent management training - |
Anonymous
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I'm a special ed teacher of kids with significant needs, and the parent of a really compliant easy to parent kid with ADHD-PI and anxiety, and a high needs, emotional kid with no disability.
All of my kids, both students and bio, respond to structure, consistency, positive parenting, explicit coaching around behavior expectations, good nutrition, lots of exercise, and sleep. Sometimes some kids might need those things to be more explicit than others, or to be explained in fewer words, or used more frequently, but essentially they all require the same things. I think you are imagining one set of techniques for kids who are "special needs" and one for kids who are "brats", but there isn't a dividing line like that. Some of the things that I use with a lot of success: Techniques that build relationships, connection and momentum. If you look at ABA materials they call these "pairing activities". Other people would call them "floor time", but basically building time into your day where he has your undivided attention and a fair amount of control over what you do. Don't do this as a reward, or if you get around to it. Make it a priority, and have it happen every day or on a predictable schedule. Name it and write it on the calendar or the daily schedule. If you have a parent at home, have that parent do it 5 days a week when he walks in the door after school. Sit down, have a snack, and ask him what he wants to do, and then spend 30 minutes doing that thing. On the weekends, let the other parent do it. If you both work, trade off and have one parent do it while the other parent makes dinner and switch off. A predictable routine, visually accessible to him, with lots of first: then structure. In my house my kids know that they do A and then B happens. So, first they wash their hands, and then they have dinner. After dinner first they shower and put on pjs and brush their teeth, and then they have screentime. I don't say "if you don't do X you won't get to . . . " I say "Go wash your hands, it's dinner time" or "go put your pj's on, it's TV time". If the routine is new, then write it down and draw pictures. Knowing what's coming, and when his needs will be met will reduce anxiety, and using first: then will reduce power struggles. Clearly communicate what you want going into situations, and then reinforce him verbally early. With my emotional active kid, we'd stop outside a space and I'd review expectations, both what was important to me (e.g. stay in the fence at the playground, stay in your seat at the restaurant) and what was important to him (e.g. after we order, Daddy will take you for a walk to look at the fish tank in the lobby. Yes, you can order dessert.). Lots of praise for doing the right thing, and what I call "super praise" where he hears you praise him to other people. If one of you is with him, and the other is at work, say "I need to text Mommy and tell her how you just . . . . She'll be as proud as I am!" Consequences, when he needs them that are immediate, brief, and then over. Strategies for managing anxiety can be really counter intuitive. For example, reassuring my kid that something wouldn't be scary, just plants the idea that it might be. Consoling my kid can be the same. Look for a good book on anxiety. This is a good one to share with your kid: https://www.amazon.com/What-When-Worry-Much-What/dp/1591473144/ref=sr_1_5?dchild=1&keywords=worry+child+workbook&qid=1618708243&sr=8-5 Another book to look at is Ross Greene's Explosive Child. I don't consider my kid explosive, but the techniques in there are helpful for lots of kids. Pay attention to making sure he's getting lots of good food (and opportunities to have control over how much he eats. Ellyn Satter is good for this is an issue) lots of exercise, and lots of sleep. Think about medication. Medication is a life changer for a lot of kids. Even this young. I'd medicate for the anxiety before I'd medicate for behavior. |
Anonymous
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Thank you 21:14
The not listening is a HUGE issue. “Wash your hands for dinner”, even if it’s EVERY NIGHT is a: “But I’m just...” I’m not kidding when I say he never listens and obeys the request, or follows the direction. Ever. It’s always met with a rebuttal or refusal, or a very long dragged out slow response “I’m DOING IT!” |
Anonymous
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Also 21:14: we don’t do the quality time. We’ll work on that. Thank you.
I’m a former teacher and I KNOW about the structure. We do that! He still acts like every day is new. |
Anonymous
So, the nice thing about first:then is that you can disengage. You say "Wash your hands for dinner." and then you go sit down and start eating, and if he shows up at the table you say. "I'm so glad you're here! As soon as you wash your hands, I'll get you a plate." It might take an hour, the first night. |
Anonymous
| He sounds like he's five years old to me. |
Anonymous
My kid isn’t anxious (has other stuff) so I don’t have too many specifics to offer. Just recognize that anxiety causes irritability, anger, and refusal to do things sometimes. By big things, I meant that we still insist on respect, kindness, hygiene, etc - treating him as SN doesn’t mean just letting him run wild. For my kid, it is ensuring he gets a crazy amount of sleep, almost no screens (we had to quit DL), and regular snacks. Consequences don’t work for him / they just get his back up and make him dig his heels in more. So we use them very sparingly and always with neutral emotions. Rewards are better for him, but the best thing is explaining enough to get him on board with the task/rule. It’s exhausting at first but if he thinks the rule/task is important, he is way more self-motivated to comply. The book Duct Tape Parenting was most helpful to us - it’s about letting your kid do things he is capable of (including chores) and the positive changes in dynamics that happen when your kid sees himself as competent and helpful in the family. |
Anonymous
| You need to have him tested by a Pediatric Neuropsychologist. The Developmental Pediatrician is basically useless. Doesn’t perform any of the testing needed to tease out any diagnosis. Lacking empathy, inability to problem solve, difficulty identifying and/or controlling emotions, difficulty shifting focus, inability to socialize appropriately are part of an overarching diagnosis that includes more than anxiety. |
Anonymous
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Read The Explosive Child, even if yours isn’t explosive. It will help you understand your child. He’s not a brat and he doesn’t need more consequences. He has lagging skills and unsolved problems and he needs help bulking those skills. Kids do well when they can.
My 4 year old daughter has anxiety. Unmediated, she’s belligerent, doesn’t listen, talks back, throws violent tantrums. On Zoloft, she’s a joy. I’m not saying you have to use medication, but I am saying that all of your son’s behavior could be caused by anxiety. And you can’t punish the anxiety out of a child. |
Anonymous
| Nip that behavior in the butt. Being rude, hard headed, and disrespectful has little to do with anxiety. Get therapy for the anxiety, but also start working on the behavior. One warning and then a consequence. No iPad, no tv, no whatever. Time out every time after the warning is not heeded. Raising a rude unruly kid won’t end well. Stat taking away the stuff that I am sure your child has. Good behavior earns iPads, not tantrums. |
Anonymous
| You say that you can't just have special needs in one place and that's true but my son with ADHD did not exhibit the same behaviors at home. Our home was quiet (only child) and he rarely acted the same at home as he did at school. At home, I didn't see any sensory issues because it was quiet and there weren't other kids touching him or screaming. At school, he would freak out when kids screamed or cried or when a kid touched him. Lots of sensory issues that only showed up in preschool. Has he been tested for anything? |
Anonymous
I second this recommendation. I was also not sure if my child had special needs or was just going through a terrible phase, and I found this class enormously helpful. |