How do I know if my child has special needs, or is just a difficult, brat of a kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You say that you can't just have special needs in one place and that's true but my son with ADHD did not exhibit the same behaviors at home. Our home was quiet (only child) and he rarely acted the same at home as he did at school. At home, I didn't see any sensory issues because it was quiet and there weren't other kids touching him or screaming. At school, he would freak out when kids screamed or cried or when a kid touched him. Lots of sensory issues that only showed up in preschool. Has he been tested for anything?

Also, look up restraint collapse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nip that behavior in the butt. Being rude, hard headed, and disrespectful has little to do with anxiety. Get therapy for the anxiety, but also start working on the behavior. One warning and then a consequence. No iPad, no tv, no whatever. Time out every time after the warning is not heeded. Raising a rude unruly kid won’t end well. Stat taking away the stuff that I am sure your child has. Good behavior earns iPads, not tantrums.

I don't disagree - but yes, being rude, hard headed and disrespectful can be exactly what anxiety looks like. That's not an excuse but it might be an explanation.

Parent the child you have, not the child you think he should be.

[Anonymous]

A lot of kids with anxiety hold it together at school and melt down at home. I highly recommend Dr. Dan Shapiro's Parent-Child Journey class for parenting advice. Trying to lay down the law is probably just going to freak your kid out more and worsen behavior.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nip that behavior in the butt. Being rude, hard headed, and disrespectful has little to do with anxiety. Get therapy for the anxiety, but also start working on the behavior. One warning and then a consequence. No iPad, no tv, no whatever. Time out every time after the warning is not heeded. Raising a rude unruly kid won’t end well. Stat taking away the stuff that I am sure your child has. Good behavior earns iPads, not tantrums.

I don't disagree - but yes, being rude, hard headed and disrespectful can be exactly what anxiety looks like. That's not an excuse but it might be an explanation.

Parent the child you have, not the child you think he should be.

Thank you. This is what is difficult though: the child we have is rude, lacks empathy and understanding, and doesn’t listen. Sooooo where do we go from here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of kids with anxiety hold it together at school and melt down at home. I highly recommend Dr. Dan Shapiro's Parent-Child Journey class for parenting advice. Trying to lay down the law is probably just going to freak your kid out more and worsen behavior.

Yeah I agree, and it drives a wedge into our relationship

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are you doing to address his anxiety? I have a similar kid also diagnosed with anxiety. She's learning cbt techniques with a therapist. All the experts we've talked to have said to double down on the positive parenting.

Resources, please? (Op)

Dr. Siggi on IG
Sarah Ockwell Smith

[Anonymous]

Having a written structure/schedule that never changes really helps. When it’s different, cause sometimes life throws curveballs, write it down in advance. School may not trigger his anxiety because it’s structured and the routine and expectations don’t change.

Also, a neuropsych eval could be very helpful, and if you can get in with a therapist to work on coping skills and parenting skills related specifically to the anxiety that would be incredibly helpful.

I struggled a TON with my son when he was younger (still do), and was told that it was my parenting. It wasn’t - he was diagnosed at 11 with Autism and Bipolar disorders. We needed, and couldn’t access, HELP and resources. My son does well in school (he’s 2E and because he has a high IQ), and is able to hold it all in at school and then falls apart at home.

[Anonymous]

I am reading through the lines a bit, but it sounds like you are pretty demanding parents with a lot of rules, who believe that consequences are the way to achieve the most well behaved child. If I’m right about this, you are parenting an imaginary child and not the kid you have.

You really need to do a lot of reading about anxiety in kids, parenting techniques for kids with behavioral challenges and find some specialists to meet with. And then, you and your spouse need to completely regroup on how to parent this kid, who may be totally amazing if you get appropriate treatment for the anxiety and start building positive interactions.

And I mean this in the kindest of ways, my husband and I didn’t get the kids we expected either. We have had to adapt in ways we never could have imagined. But we have survived and thrived because we didn’t get caught up in thinking there was only one way to end up with a great kid.

I honestly think the first thing you should do is sit down with your spouse and pick only three things you care about — and no rules for a month other than the three things you care about. If you have this kid breaking 50 rules a day, you end up with zero positive interactions. The world won’t end if he doesn’t wash his hands before eating and goes to school in his pajamas.

[Anonymous]

And to add, your kid does have a special need. It is anxiety and you need to treat it. You may also find there are other things going on, but deal with the anxiety head on and see where you are.

[Anonymous]

19:50 back again - the other thing you might consider is medication for the anxiety. I know people are hesitant to medicate for mental health, but it can be incredibly helpful. Nothing has helped my son as much as medication has. I say that because before medication, he couldn’t access any of the coping skills we were trying to teach him. Now he can. Medication doesn’t have to be forever (my son has bipolar, so he will probably need lifelong meds), but it can help when learning how to cope and allow your child to access these skills and practice them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am reading through the lines a bit, but it sounds like you are pretty demanding parents with a lot of rules, who believe that consequences are the way to achieve the most well behaved child. If I’m right about this, you are parenting an imaginary child and not the kid you have.

You really need to do a lot of reading about anxiety in kids, parenting techniques for kids with behavioral challenges and find some specialists to meet with. And then, you and your spouse need to completely regroup on how to parent this kid, who may be totally amazing if you get appropriate treatment for the anxiety and start building positive interactions.

And I mean this in the kindest of ways, my husband and I didn’t get the kids we expected either. We have had to adapt in ways we never could have imagined. But we have survived and thrived because we didn’t get caught up in thinking there was only one way to end up with a great kid.

I honestly think the first thing you should do is sit down with your spouse and pick only three things you care about — and no rules for a month other than the three things you care about. If you have this kid breaking 50 rules a day, you end up with zero positive interactions. The world won’t end if he doesn’t wash his hands before eating and goes to school in his pajamas.

I experienced all of the above personally. I have a kid with anxiety who does well at school (very anxious at school about getting in trouble, so complies or withdraws). When lockdown happened, I was super stressed (responsible for keeping 10 other people employed, plus myself). I really tried to crack down on behavior and have very high expectations for academics to be completed at home. Within a month, I had a kid who was either melting down or self-isolating. I talked to a school counselor who suggested How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and some other postive parenting books. I wish I could be as organized as the teacher above described, but I'm not that person. What I do is spend kid focused and driven time every day, appeal to my kid's sense of humor, encourage and praise, keep my tone neutral when I remind or ask my kid to redo a task, model apologizing when I react in anger or use a snipy tone.

It sounds like you need more professional support for your family, but I think do the stuff I listed above really does help. My kid is still tuned out sometimes and defiant sometimes, but our overall dynamic and her behavior are a million times better.

[Anonymous]

I have a difficult child when that age. (Teen now.)

We (both parents) sat down with the child and relayed our expectations of behavior at home and at school. Guess what: the expectations were virtually the same. Respect, listening, etc.

If the teacher emailed me to say our child had misbehaved that day, the first thing I did was to read the email to my child. I asked what was going on. I said I expected better behavior tomorrow at school, and that I would be emailing the teacher toward the end of the day tomorrow to see how child had behaved.

The next day I emailed the teacher: how is my child behaving today? Better? It was usually better. If it was not better, my child did not go outside to play with the neighborhood kids after school. Instead, they got to think about how they had behaved while their sibling ran around outside. I showed that I was serious. The behavior always improved.

Lay out your expectations clearly. Work with the teacher. Reward good behavior, do not reward bad behavior. Follow through all the way so your child knows you mean business.

This child by upper elementary had stellar marks for behavior. But it all starts at home.

[Anonymous]

So if you know he wont listen, change your tactic. Hes not the kid you can tell and order and hell comply. He's not there yet. So treat him like a distracted 4 year old. Say "lets go wash hands" and go wash hands with him. Same for a lot of things. Yes jts more time and work but he needs that right now so set him up for success and the praise for completing the action (even of under your immediate supervision).
I have a pretty compliant 5 year old but sometimes she doesn't want to listen or is distracted and there is no point getting angry or frustrated. Yes I know she can do it, but she cant in that moment so i help and praise. She is more likely to do it herself next time.

[Anonymous]

Good lord, reading most of these answers makes me realize why children with disabilites/special needs suffer so much. The level of misunderstanding in how one interacts and deals with these children is astonishing. By its very definition, children with special needs - and that includes ADHD and anxiety - will not respond to standard parenting advice (boundaries! consequences! show them who is boss!) that typically developing kids will. That doesn't mean they get to do whatever they want whenever they want, but it does mean you need a different approach. It's very important that you get your child assessed and find a specialist who can work with him/her.