Reply to How do I know if my child has special needs, or is just a difficult, brat of a kid?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm a special ed teacher of kids with significant needs, and the parent of a really compliant easy to parent kid with ADHD-PI and anxiety, and a high needs, emotional kid with no disability.

All of my kids, both students and bio, respond to structure, consistency, positive parenting, explicit coaching around behavior expectations, good nutrition, lots of exercise, and sleep.  Sometimes some kids might need those things to be more explicit than others, or to be explained in fewer words, or used more frequently, but essentially they all require the same things.  I think you are imagining one set of techniques for kids who are "special needs" and one for kids who are "brats", but there isn't a dividing line like that.

Some of the things that I use with a lot of success:

Techniques that build relationships, connection and momentum.  If you look at ABA materials they call these "pairing activities". Other people would call them "floor time", but basically building time into your day where he has your undivided attention and a fair amount of control over what you do.  Don't do this as a reward, or if you get around to it.  Make it a priority, and have it happen every day or on a predictable schedule.  Name it and write it on the calendar or the daily schedule.  If you have a parent at home, have that parent do it 5 days a week when he walks in the door after school.  Sit down, have a snack, and ask him what he wants to do, and then spend 30 minutes doing that thing.  On the weekends, let the other parent do it.  If you both work, trade off and have one parent do it while the other parent makes dinner and switch off.

A predictable routine, visually accessible to him, with lots of first: then structure.  In my house my kids know that they do A and then B happens.  So, first they wash their hands, and then they have dinner.  After dinner first they shower and put on pjs and brush their teeth, and then they have screentime.  I don't say "if you don't do X you won't get to . . . " I say "Go wash your hands, it's dinner time"  or "go put your pj's on, it's TV time".  If the routine is new, then write it down and draw pictures.  Knowing what's coming, and when his needs will be met will reduce anxiety, and using first: then will reduce power struggles.

Clearly communicate what you want going into situations, and then reinforce him verbally early.  With my emotional active kid, we'd stop outside a space  and I'd review expectations, both what was important to me (e.g. stay in the fence at the playground, stay in your seat at the restaurant) and what was important to him (e.g. after we order, Daddy will take you for a walk to look at the fish tank in the lobby.  Yes, you can order dessert.).

Lots of praise for doing the right thing, and what I call "super praise" where he hears you praise him to other people.  If one of you is with him, and the other is at work, say "I need to text Mommy and tell her how you just . . . . She'll be as proud as I am!"

Consequences, when he needs them that are immediate, brief, and then over.

Strategies for managing anxiety can be really counter intuitive.  For example, reassuring my kid that something wouldn't be scary, just plants the idea that it might be.  Consoling my kid can be the same.  Look for a good book on anxiety.  This is a good one to share with your kid: https://www.amazon.com/What-When-Worry-Much-What/dp/1591473144/ref=sr_1_5?dchild=1&keywords=worry+child+workbook&qid=1618708243&sr=8-5

Another book to look at is Ross Greene's Explosive Child.  I don't consider my kid explosive, but the techniques in there are helpful for lots of kids.

Pay attention to making sure he's getting lots of good food (and opportunities to have control over how much he eats.  Ellyn Satter is good for this is an issue) lots of exercise, and lots of sleep.

Think about medication.  Medication is a life changer for a lot of kids.  Even this young.  I'd medicate for the anxiety before I'd medicate for behavior.  [/quote]

I’m also a teacher and a parent of a 7 yr old with anxiety. This is excellent advice. [/quote]

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