Playdate - did we do something wrong?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have friends that ALWAYS MAKE US WAIT. in 8 years they have never been on time. Even for zoom calls. It is incredibly rude and we just say after waiting....never mind. We have something right after and can't wait. So don't be those people.

Open to suggestions on how to deal. My DD loves their DD & it isn't fair to the kids.

It feels like a power play by the mom

They are making you wait because their kid has to change pants 100 times. (I’m just kidding.)

LOL....Totally. more accurately, probably the mom. I think it is to show how important she is. But I work FT and she is a SAHM. idk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have friends that ALWAYS MAKE US WAIT. in 8 years they have never been on time. Even for zoom calls. It is incredibly rude and we just say after waiting....never mind. We have something right after and can't wait. So don't be those people.

Open to suggestions on how to deal. My DD loves their DD & it isn't fair to the kids.

It feels like a power play by the mom

We have friends like this and we only get together with them when we have the time for them to be late. If their being late will put us in a bind or be inconvenient we don’t schedule anything with them.

[Anonymous]

Neighbor is weird, rude, inflexible

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Neighbor is weird, rude, inflexible

+1
Neighbor needs to manage kid’s expectations better. Sure 10 minutes is an eternity but it’s on the mom to distract her for a few minutes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have friends that ALWAYS MAKE US WAIT. in 8 years they have never been on time. Even for zoom calls. It is incredibly rude and we just say after waiting....never mind. We have something right after and can't wait. So don't be those people.

Open to suggestions on how to deal. My DD loves their DD & it isn't fair to the kids.

It feels like a power play by the mom

We have friends like this and we only get together with them when we have the time for them to be late. If their being late will put us in a bind or be inconvenient we don’t schedule anything with them.

That is a good idea. I don't tell my kid until 10 min beforehand that there even is a playdate. Even so she ends up waiting 20 min or at last sec asks to reschedule for following day. I feel like saying...pls be on time or we can't schedule anything anymore. My husband feels we have given them too many chances and basically permission to treat us like dogsh!dogs!.

Sorry for derailing, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A family just moved in down the street with a daughter the same age (4) as DD.
I met the mom and we traded #s, and I texted her this week to set up a playdate. I suggested meeting at a park near our house but they suggested meeting in their yard. It was hard to land on a time.
We settled on "around 1pm." At 1:10, after DD had changed her pants 100 times, I said, "On our way!" We walked the 60 seconds over to their house. The other girl ignored DD and it was very awkward. Then she went inside after 5 minutes and we were left kind of standing there. The mom did not try to go back in and cajole her out.
She said, oh sorry, she was thrown because you were 10 minutes late and really likes a schedule...We ended up staying talking to the mom for a bit and then left.

Now I feel really weird and bad??!?!? Did we do something wrong? Should I reach out again? In my mind, "around 1" in preschool time is within 15 or so minutes and it's tough to get kids out the door?

Why did you let your kid "change her pants 100 times"? My kid knows that we respect others' time and keep our plans. After one pant change, we'd be out the door.

Because kids are weird? If we are OK with a 4 year old being a stickler for time, then we should be ok with one who needs to change pants.

Maybe your kid is "weird," but my kid may want to change clothes a lot and we are supposed to be out the door to honor plans, I step in and do this thing called "parenting." I would say, "one different pick, and then we are leaving." It's almost as if its me, and not a 4yo, who runs the show.

Some people run their homes like dictatorships and some don't. Different strokes.

I feel like "around 1pm" for a neighbor is totally fluid!! It's not like you were meeting up at a movie or something with a start time! It's a neighborhood playdate!

[Anonymous]

You tried and found out that mom has no manners, and she isn't' teaching any to her child.
No need to text again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I knew from the moment I read in your post that you agreed to meet “around 1pm” that this wasn’t going to go well. That’s a bizarre way to plan a play date, I think. My daughter would have also had trouble waiting 10 minutes for a friend to come over. That’s an eternity for 4 year olds. I think that was poor planning on the part of the moms.

Also it sounds like you’re blaming the other mom for not making her child come back outside, but you didn’t make your child stop changing clothes before she had gone through 100 outfits because “it’s hard to get out the door with preschoolers”?

It sounds like your family and the neighbor family might be incompatible. But I don’t think the neighbor did anything wrong.

Your 4 year old tracks what time it is, to the point where she would know the kid was 10 minutes late?

Oh come on, the mom made sure kid was outside at 1pm by pumping her up for the play date “we need to put on shoes and get your ball because new friend is coming over!” Kid got excited and then disappointed by the wait and maybe hurt feelings a bit. Normal! No big deal! The moms chatted, they’ll try again later. You guys can’t put this much pressure on a play date especially when it’s right down the street! No harm done.

I actually agree with both of these posters. I have twins. One has special needs and the other doesn’t. My SN child made every play date difficult. There was some issue or another for her every.single.time. It was frustrating and embarrassing and I felt like her twin suffered from never having a normal play date, without at least a few minutes of minor drama. It wasn’t until she was 10 years old that my dd was diagnosed with very HFA. Most people just find her quirky, but would never guess she has autism.

Obviously, I’m not jumping to the conclusion that your 4yo neighbor has any SN — my point is simply that her mother knows her best, and if she didn’t bring her child back outside, it’s because she knew things would go downhill. Trust her judgment. It doesn’t sound like the mom was mad or anything, but she’s giving you gentle guidance on how to make future play dates go more smoothly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You tried and found out that mom has no manners, and she isn't' teaching any to her child.
No need to text again.

And OP is rude with 100 changes of clothes and teaching her kid that playing Cher from "Clueless" with multiple costume changes is more important than other people's time. No winners here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A family just moved in down the street with a daughter the same age (4) as DD.
I met the mom and we traded #s, and I texted her this week to set up a playdate. I suggested meeting at a park near our house but they suggested meeting in their yard. It was hard to land on a time.
We settled on "around 1pm." At 1:10, after DD had changed her pants 100 times, I said, "On our way!" We walked the 60 seconds over to their house. The other girl ignored DD and it was very awkward. Then she went inside after 5 minutes and we were left kind of standing there. The mom did not try to go back in and cajole her out.
She said, oh sorry, she was thrown because you were 10 minutes late and really likes a schedule...We ended up staying talking to the mom for a bit and then left.

Now I feel really weird and bad??!?!? Did we do something wrong? Should I reach out again? In my mind, "around 1" in preschool time is within 15 or so minutes and it's tough to get kids out the door?

Why did you let your kid "change her pants 100 times"? My kid knows that we respect others' time and keep our plans. After one pant change, we'd be out the door.

Because kids are weird? If we are OK with a 4 year old being a stickler for time, then we should be ok with one who needs to change pants.

Maybe your kid is "weird," but my kid may want to change clothes a lot and we are supposed to be out the door to honor plans, I step in and do this thing called "parenting." I would say, "one different pick, and then we are leaving." It's almost as if its me, and not a 4yo, who runs the show.

Some people run their homes like dictatorships and some don't. Different strokes.

I feel like "around 1pm" for a neighbor is totally fluid!! It's not like you were meeting up at a movie or something with a start time! It's a neighborhood playdate!

Exactly. This was a casual play date at a neighbor's house. If they are that rigid and inflexible then it's not a match in personalities. This isn't a hill to die on regarding how many times your kid can change plans to make sure you're not a minute late. And if it's not the pants it would be something else like a last minute potty trip, a spilled drink, a knot in shoelaces, etc. It's always something it seems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have friends that ALWAYS MAKE US WAIT. in 8 years they have never been on time. Even for zoom calls. It is incredibly rude and we just say after waiting....never mind. We have something right after and can't wait. So don't be those people.

Open to suggestions on how to deal. My DD loves their DD & it isn't fair to the kids.

It feels like a power play by the mom

They are making you wait because their kid has to change pants 100 times. (I’m just kidding.)

LOL....Totally. more accurately, probably the mom. I think it is to show how important she is. But I work FT and she is a SAHM. idk.

I’m a SAHM, and I’ve found that when I didn’t live by the clock (didn’t have to be at job by a certain time, children weren’t in school yet), I tended to have poor skills at knowing exactly how long it would take to get us out of the house, and my kids had no concept of a precise routine that didn’t deviate. We’d be late and I’d know what went wrong and I’d take steps to ensure that we weren’t late for that reason again, but a different kid would have a different reason that made us late the next time. My kids just couldn’t “hurry up” when they were little. Telling them to do so was like speaking a foreign language to them. Once they started school and knew there were consequences for being late (beyond mom stressing out and scolding them), they got it. After that, we were rarely late, and if we were, it was by 1-3 minutes. It was never a power play on my part. I was very apologetic and felt terrible when we were late.

[Anonymous]

Both kids are really young and learning. Both likely having little experience with play dates over the past year. While both were likely excited about it, it sounds like both were a bit nervous (one stressed about time the other stressed over just the right pants.) The last year has been very chaotic and different. In a time where adults are struggling to cope, I can understand young children struggling to cope as well.

It isn't so much about assigning blame or who is right or wrong. I'm sure all involved wished the outcome was different.

[Anonymous]

As a single adult, I was a huge stickler for time. But having kids made me mellow out because I learned the hard way so many things were out of my control. I lost count of how many diaper blow outs happened as we were walking out the door. Or how a fussy infant needed to be fed when it was time to go even though he just ate an hour ago. Or a toddler ate lunch at a snails pace when food was normally inhaled and we were short on time. I did my best, but shit happens and I extend grace to other people who may be trying their best. But, more often that not I'm on time. I don't have a lot of patience who are habitually late and always have an excuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have friends that ALWAYS MAKE US WAIT. in 8 years they have never been on time. Even for zoom calls. It is incredibly rude and we just say after waiting....never mind. We have something right after and can't wait. So don't be those people.

Open to suggestions on how to deal. My DD loves their DD & it isn't fair to the kids.

It feels like a power play by the mom

They are making you wait because their kid has to change pants 100 times. (I’m just kidding.)

LOL....Totally. more accurately, probably the mom. I think it is to show how important she is. But I work FT and she is a SAHM. idk.

I’m a SAHM, and I’ve found that when I didn’t live by the clock (didn’t have to be at job by a certain time, children weren’t in school yet), I tended to have poor skills at knowing exactly how long it would take to get us out of the house, and my kids had no concept of a precise routine that didn’t deviate. We’d be late and I’d know what went wrong and I’d take steps to ensure that we weren’t late for that reason again, but a different kid would have a different reason that made us late the next time. My kids just couldn’t “hurry up” when they were little. Telling them to do so was like speaking a foreign language to them. Once they started school and knew there were consequences for being late (beyond mom stressing out and scolding them), they got it. After that, we were rarely late, and if we were, it was by 1-3 minutes. It was never a power play on my part. I was very apologetic and felt terrible when we were late.

So you never went to movies, plays, story time at the library, Breakfast with Santa, get on a plane to visit someone, church, a thing with a solid start time?

[Anonymous]

For my kids, the excitement of getting to play with a new friend would have overcome any disappointment that they initially felt from the play date starting a few minutes late. They would not have reacted by going inside after the friend had arrived. Maybe the kid was having a bad day or maybe there is something more going on...

I would not feel bad if I were you OP, I really don’t think you did anything wrong by arriving “around” 1:00 for a simple neighborhood meet up, especially with a text to let them know you are on the way.

I would definitely try again by inviting them to meet up in your yard next time. Just sure not to be “late” since that is clearly a sensitive issue for them!