Playdate - did we do something wrong?

[Anonymous]

I don't think I'd even bother getting in touch about a second playdate. I would let her make the first move. If she wants to see us, then she can get in touch. Otherwise, we'll see you at the neighborhood park if you're ever there and acknowledge our existence. I'm happy to chat if you're willing.

I would tell my DDs when they were young clothes horses that we have to leave NOW or we're not going. And I held firm. Sometimes we didn't go and I would text to cancel. I would also say we had to be out the door with enough time to get there a few minutes early.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have friends that ALWAYS MAKE US WAIT. in 8 years they have never been on time. Even for zoom calls. It is incredibly rude and we just say after waiting....never mind. We have something right after and can't wait. So don't be those people.

Open to suggestions on how to deal. My DD loves their DD & it isn't fair to the kids.

It feels like a power play by the mom

They are making you wait because their kid has to change pants 100 times. (I’m just kidding.)

LOL....Totally. more accurately, probably the mom. I think it is to show how important she is. But I work FT and she is a SAHM. idk.

I’m a SAHM, and I’ve found that when I didn’t live by the clock (didn’t have to be at job by a certain time, children weren’t in school yet), I tended to have poor skills at knowing exactly how long it would take to get us out of the house, and my kids had no concept of a precise routine that didn’t deviate. We’d be late and I’d know what went wrong and I’d take steps to ensure that we weren’t late for that reason again, but a different kid would have a different reason that made us late the next time. My kids just couldn’t “hurry up” when they were little. Telling them to do so was like speaking a foreign language to them. Once they started school and knew there were consequences for being late (beyond mom stressing out and scolding them), they got it. After that, we were rarely late, and if we were, it was by 1-3 minutes. It was never a power play on my part. I was very apologetic and felt terrible when we were late.

So you never went to movies, plays, story time at the library, Breakfast with Santa, get on a plane to visit someone, church, a thing with a solid start time?

My kids are multiples. Having everyone ready at the same time and out of the house on time for a solid start time was stressful and required logistical planning, and we’d still end up with some unanticipated issue (one kid developed a fever or their left shoe was missing or they needed to poop just as we were trying to leave, etc.,). We’d tell them to hurry up, but our idea of hurrying and theirs were not the same. We were late a lot, and frankly, although we did some activities with set start times, most days the only schedule we religiously adhered to was nap time.

[Anonymous]

I can't believe only one poster on here acknowledged the possibility of an unknown-to-OP dynamic such as HFA or another different ability.

If something seems unusual or "off," consider that something might be unknown to you that is still completely valid.

The other mom did the best she could. OP can decide what to do in the future. Let's hope not allowing "100 changes of pants" will be among her decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe only one poster on here acknowledged the possibility of an unknown-to-OP dynamic such as HFA or another different ability.

If something seems unusual or "off," consider that something might be unknown to you that is still completely valid.

The other mom did the best she could. OP can decide what to do in the future. Let's hope not allowing "100 changes of pants" will be among her decisions.

Kids take forever getting out of the house. Anyone who expects military time when coordinating a preschool playdate will be sorely let down, I think. And who's to say OP didn't do the best she could, getting her kid out the door?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe only one poster on here acknowledged the possibility of an unknown-to-OP dynamic such as HFA or another different ability.

If something seems unusual or "off," consider that something might be unknown to you that is still completely valid.

The other mom did the best she could. OP can decide what to do in the future. Let's hope not allowing "100 changes of pants" will be among her decisions.

Kids take forever getting out of the house. Anyone who expects military time when coordinating a preschool playdate will be sorely let down, I think. And who's to say OP didn't do the best she could, getting her kid out the door?

So you’re just going to ignore completely the possibility of the other kid having special needs or different abilities, and reiterate the defense of pants? Got it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe only one poster on here acknowledged the possibility of an unknown-to-OP dynamic such as HFA or another different ability.

If something seems unusual or "off," consider that something might be unknown to you that is still completely valid.

The other mom did the best she could. OP can decide what to do in the future. Let's hope not allowing "100 changes of pants" will be among her decisions.

Kids take forever getting out of the house. Anyone who expects military time when coordinating a preschool playdate will be sorely let down, I think. And who's to say OP didn't do the best she could, getting her kid out the door?

Yes this is just casual playdate down the street. While I insist my kids are prompt when timing matters...hanging out two houses over would not rise to that occasion. I have a neighbor that actually teases us for promptness always the first to arrive.

[Anonymous]

OP was going to their house so not a biggie to run late. Neighbor was wrong to tell her daughter a time if she has an issue with waiting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Neighbor is weird, rude, inflexible

+1
Neighbor needs to manage kid’s expectations better. Sure 10 minutes is an eternity but it’s on the mom to distract her for a few minutes.

So neighbour needs to manage HER kid, but OP doesn’t need to manage hers? Changing pants 100 times when you are already late is rude. Around 1 to me is a few minutes before or after, not 15 minutes later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe only one poster on here acknowledged the possibility of an unknown-to-OP dynamic such as HFA or another different ability.

If something seems unusual or "off," consider that something might be unknown to you that is still completely valid.

The other mom did the best she could. OP can decide what to do in the future. Let's hope not allowing "100 changes of pants" will be among her decisions.

Kids take forever getting out of the house. Anyone who expects military time when coordinating a preschool playdate will be sorely let down, I think. And who's to say OP didn't do the best she could, getting her kid out the door?

So you’re just going to ignore completely the possibility of the other kid having special needs or different abilities, and reiterate the defense of pants? Got it

Glad you got it! A few minutes late for a playdate with a neighbor is not grounds to freak out. Kid time is fluid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe only one poster on here acknowledged the possibility of an unknown-to-OP dynamic such as HFA or another different ability.

If something seems unusual or "off," consider that something might be unknown to you that is still completely valid.

The other mom did the best she could. OP can decide what to do in the future. Let's hope not allowing "100 changes of pants" will be among her decisions.

Kids take forever getting out of the house. Anyone who expects military time when coordinating a preschool playdate will be sorely let down, I think. And who's to say OP didn't do the best she could, getting her kid out the door?

Yes this is just casual playdate down the street. While I insist my kids are prompt when timing matters...hanging out two houses over would not rise to that occasion. I have a neighbor that actually teases us for promptness always the first to arrive.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe only one poster on here acknowledged the possibility of an unknown-to-OP dynamic such as HFA or another different ability.

If something seems unusual or "off," consider that something might be unknown to you that is still completely valid.

The other mom did the best she could. OP can decide what to do in the future. Let's hope not allowing "100 changes of pants" will be among her decisions.

Kids take forever getting out of the house. Anyone who expects military time when coordinating a preschool playdate will be sorely let down, I think. And who's to say OP didn't do the best she could, getting her kid out the door?

So you’re just going to ignore completely the possibility of the other kid having special needs or different abilities, and reiterate the defense of pants? Got it

Glad you got it! A few minutes late for a playdate with a neighbor is not grounds to freak out. Kid time is fluid.

Unless the other kid has special needs or different abilities. Which you clearly do not care about. And no, the other mom isn't required to divulge that to new friends.

We have two nice little boys down the street who clearly have special needs or different abilities. I have never asked, nor felt I was entitled, to more information. I simply adjust my interactions with them to meet what I perceive to be what works for them. It's none of my business other to be kind and flexible. I guess it's too much to ask that other adults treat kids who may need a little extra accommodation the same way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe only one poster on here acknowledged the possibility of an unknown-to-OP dynamic such as HFA or another different ability.

If something seems unusual or "off," consider that something might be unknown to you that is still completely valid.

The other mom did the best she could. OP can decide what to do in the future. Let's hope not allowing "100 changes of pants" will be among her decisions.

Kids take forever getting out of the house. Anyone who expects military time when coordinating a preschool playdate will be sorely let down, I think. And who's to say OP didn't do the best she could, getting her kid out the door?

So you’re just going to ignore completely the possibility of the other kid having special needs or different abilities, and reiterate the defense of pants? Got it

Glad you got it! A few minutes late for a playdate with a neighbor is not grounds to freak out. Kid time is fluid.

Unless the other kid has special needs or different abilities. Which you clearly do not care about. And no, the other mom isn't required to divulge that to new friends.

We have two nice little boys down the street who clearly have special needs or different abilities. I have never asked, nor felt I was entitled, to more information. I simply adjust my interactions with them to meet what I perceive to be what works for them. It's none of my business other to be kind and flexible. I guess it's too much to ask that other adults treat kids who may need a little extra accommodation the same way.

DP, and that's fine, but in that case, the mom hosting should have given OP a head's up about the time thing. You don't have to disclose PHI to do that, and then it allows the OP to plan accordingly. "Just so you're aware, time is a big thing for Larla, so if you can be as prompt as possible, that would be great" or something to that effect. If a new neighbor said that to me, you're darn right I'd be on time. I'd be grateful to her for letting me know, too, because for most kids, 10 minutes is not a big deal. Parents need to advocate for their kids in these cases, not expect others to read the tea leaves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe only one poster on here acknowledged the possibility of an unknown-to-OP dynamic such as HFA or another different ability.

If something seems unusual or "off," consider that something might be unknown to you that is still completely valid.

The other mom did the best she could. OP can decide what to do in the future. Let's hope not allowing "100 changes of pants" will be among her decisions.

Kids take forever getting out of the house. Anyone who expects military time when coordinating a preschool playdate will be sorely let down, I think. And who's to say OP didn't do the best she could, getting her kid out the door?

So you’re just going to ignore completely the possibility of the other kid having special needs or different abilities, and reiterate the defense of pants? Got it

Glad you got it! A few minutes late for a playdate with a neighbor is not grounds to freak out. Kid time is fluid.

Unless the other kid has special needs or different abilities. Which you clearly do not care about. And no, the other mom isn't required to divulge that to new friends.

We have two nice little boys down the street who clearly have special needs or different abilities. I have never asked, nor felt I was entitled, to more information. I simply adjust my interactions with them to meet what I perceive to be what works for them. It's none of my business other to be kind and flexible. I guess it's too much to ask that other adults treat kids who may need a little extra accommodation the same way.

DP, and that's fine, but in that case, the mom hosting should have given OP a head's up about the time thing. You don't have to disclose PHI to do that, and then it allows the OP to plan accordingly. "Just so you're aware, time is a big thing for Larla, so if you can be as prompt as possible, that would be great" or something to that effect. If a new neighbor said that to me, you're darn right I'd be on time. I'd be grateful to her for letting me know, too, because for most kids, 10 minutes is not a big deal. Parents need to advocate for their kids in these cases, not expect others to read the tea leaves.

Exactly! The onus is on the mom of the kid with special circumstances to make clear that her child has trouble with time (and to set her child's expectations in advance). If you have a playdate "around 1 p.m." maybe don't prime your kid for disappointment by dragging them out to wait at 12:59. When the plans were being set, the parent should have said, "Around 1 p.m. might be tricky; if we could be as precise as possible it would help" (or whatever phrasing felt right) and of course, I think most people would accommodate!

For most people, 10 minutes for a little kid neighborhood meet-up is so not a big deal. You can't expect people to be mind-readers, and it was the first-ever playdate -- so no frame of reference for the boundaries/sensitivities of the other family. You have to advocate for your kid if you have a request/know something a stranger never would.

[Anonymous]

OP - what are you going to do when school starts? I am the PP w/ the friend that has been doing this for years. Her kid is late for school 3x a week. tardy. must be signed in.

deal with it now. it isn't like the playdate was at 8 or 9 am. Everyone could see how getting out the door that early could be a challenge. You KNEW it was after lunch, why not plan accordingly?

Are you normally late with other events? ask yourself why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - what are you going to do when school starts? I am the PP w/ the friend that has been doing this for years. Her kid is late for school 3x a week. tardy. must be signed in.

deal with it now. it isn't like the playdate was at 8 or 9 am. Everyone could see how getting out the door that early could be a challenge. You KNEW it was after lunch, why not plan accordingly?

Are you normally late with other events? ask yourself why.

Oh, please. I'm generally a very punctual person--and my elementary schoolers have never been tardy--but 10 minutes late to a backyard meet up for four year olds?! Come on.