Aspies, need your insight
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Anonymous
Np. My husband seriously hit a wall after the second kid when I couldn’t physically and mentally do everything die the house, two kids, cars, him, nanny, house, yard, and my FT job plus his. He was totally out of it and after a series of “brain farts” in major and minor things be barely agreed to testing, thinking it was attention deficit disorder. He went in to the test thinking he’d prove nothing was wrong, everyone else was nuts, or at most get some Ritalin. He read up in neuropsychiatric the night before. Well his results weren’t pretty: no ADHD but yes HFA ASD plus Bipolar plus anxiety/anger issues plus depression. That one hour conversation going over the test, symptoms and their implications were spot on. I was certainly blindsided and only read about about when trying to figure out what in earth was going on. Anyhow, no treatment and spouse has doubled down on being in denial of both his symptoms and his DX. He’s gotten ruder and cruder than ever ANY time anyone outside of work asks him a question. He gets very defensive and belligerent. I’m on a roller coaster over eggshells at home, and need to get stronger before I jump off with the kids. |
Anonymous
Thank you! These resources are really helpful. I don't know that I'm all of the way to counseling yet. I'm sure I will get there though. Just shifting my perspective has been so helpful. I'm NOT crazy, weak, or stupid, and my feelings ARE valid. For the moment, it's enough to just know that without needing him to see it or get it. |
Anonymous
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/married-with-undiagnosed-autism-why-women-who-leave-lose-twice-0420164 |
Anonymous
How long ago was the diagnosis and what is your plan? |
Anonymous
This article is BS. The kids start picking up on their Aspie unempathetic, disinterested, odd parent around age 7-8. They can get extremely frustrated asking the aspie parent for the same thing over and over or being totally forgotten. They also get embarrassed at group functions where the aspie won’t know what to say, and will start lecturing plus ask a question that was literally just discussed 5 minutes ago. In my case we literally had to ignore my father most of our teens, it was loony bins land and trying to explain the same simple thing to him 50x was insanity. It was insanity. I was so happy and almost a new, healthier person once I left for college. My mother really blossomed once my younger brother left, she was relieved to have made it thought, but was a shell of a person. This article is a Bs attempt at bullying an NT into staying in a dysfunctional marriage with a dysfunctional person, by pretending that kids are dim witted pawns. |
Anonymous
| Op again. To be clear, the first half of the article is true, the last half does not play out that way. Maybe if the kids are also Aspie, in which case the aspie parent will undermine everything and enable that child for a long, long time. |
Anonymous
Thanks that's helpful. And yes for me, it was the middle of the article that resonated, especially when I was first learning. Somewhat good to hear the kids gain awareness too. In our case, DC is in DH's focus area- or at least the sports, academics, extracurricular are- so at least they get attention. But I am already seeing DH just not hearing/seeing at all any of DC's needs outside of these. Wish I had better insight what helps make it work, though sounds like 'rules of engagement' may be part of it. |
Anonymous
OP, my DH had a mental illness, not autism, but that quote struck me as well. Something I have long said about my own situation, where neurotypical and seriously atypical brains clash like this - the gaslighting and lying and mood shifts are a form of emotional abuse. Even though I understand my DH’s denial of reality is driven by illness (or in your case autism), and I may think he doesn’t intend to hurt me, the environment is still mentally harmful to me just like abuse. Please get yourself a therapist if you don’t already have one. The lack of safety (financial) and the lies are traumatizing when they are repetitive and about such core aspects of your personal stability. (And also get a lawyer, and please make a custody agreement part of your post-nuptial.) |
Anonymous
Correct, it all presents like Verbal or emotional abuse. Hard to tell if on purpose to protect himself and makes sense of his mistakes versus delusional self image or just totally out of it. Either way it is rude and disrespectful. Very bad if you have sons, and daughters. |