Aspies, need your insight

[Anonymous]

20 years of marriage, 1 kid. DH is recently (finally) diagnosed. It has been a long, difficult road with a constant need for him to control most everything, but especially finances.

Breaking point has been in the last two months, when the below were discovered. On the one hand, these could be explained by AS reasoning. On the other, the end result is so morally bankrupt, maybe I should call it and separate. From an Aspie's perspective, would you see how destructive these actions are or feel they are understandable?

1) For 20 years, he hid that he intended his premarital earnings to be his alone (~1.5M starting from age 30, we are 50/40 yo now), because it was too "difficult" for him to have the conversation. So he just hid it.
2) He asked me to SHP to help his career, which I agreed to because I never doubted our assets were joint. Also, "You could work, but it would be a burden to the family, etc."
3) Oops, when he realized that hiding his intent about premarital earnings was not okay, he backtracked to 50/50 and 'rebuilding trust.'
4) Then over the last two months of transparency, I found multiple forgotten accounts (woops, my 401k there I didn't rollover, oh yeah that IRA, etc.) Total value ~200k or so.
5 Culminating in finding a hidden account that he owns with a family member. Here's where it gets crazy. He transfers money from our equities, to this co-owned with family member account and then to ours. Ostensibly, this is to cleanly categorize large dollar items (tuition, taxes, remodels, etc.), but more likely this is to control what's visible for expenses n our accounts. FWIW there is no external reason for this level of protection. We are ~6M net worth and there is no concern of either party spending inappropriately.

So what's your take? I'm a fighter for marriage, and have already stuck in longer than maybe I should have. But does this push us well past a reasonable point for NDs?

[Anonymous]

OP you should try and post in the SN forum. There are occasionally aspies that post on there.

My DC is an aspie and (4) is basically par for the course. Don’t know about the rest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:20 years of marriage, 1 kid. DH is recently (finally) diagnosed. It has been a long, difficult road with a constant need for him to control most everything, but especially finances.

Breaking point has been in the last two months, when the below were discovered. On the one hand, these could be explained by AS reasoning. On the other, the end result is so morally bankrupt, maybe I should call it and separate. From an Aspie's perspective, would you see how destructive these actions are or feel they are understandable?

1) For 20 years, he hid that he intended his premarital earnings to be his alone (~1.5M starting from age 30, we are 50/40 yo now), because it was too "difficult" for him to have the conversation. So he just hid it.
2) He asked me to SHP to help his career, which I agreed to because I never doubted our assets were joint. Also, "You could work, but it would be a burden to the family, etc."
3) Oops, when he realized that hiding his intent about premarital earnings was not okay, he backtracked to 50/50 and 'rebuilding trust.'
4) Then over the last two months of transparency, I found multiple forgotten accounts (woops, my 401k there I didn't rollover, oh yeah that IRA, etc.) Total value ~200k or so.
5 Culminating in finding a hidden account that he owns with a family member. Here's where it gets crazy. He transfers money from our equities, to this co-owned with family member account and then to ours. Ostensibly, this is to cleanly categorize large dollar items (tuition, taxes, remodels, etc.), but more likely this is to control what's visible for expenses n our accounts. FWIW there is no external reason for this level of protection. We are ~6M net worth and there is no concern of either party spending inappropriately.

So what's your take? I'm a fighter for marriage, and have already stuck in longer than maybe I should have. But does this push us well past a reasonable point for NDs?

Id he’s transferring $ back and forth between that account while you’re married that account would become marital property. Talk to a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think that lying to your spouse is part of Asperger’s disorder.

I thought that you were going to ask about why it doesn’t seem to matter to him that it’s your birthday, and he forgot to get you a present, but it does seem to matter that when you set the table for your own birthday dinner, the fork is in the wrong place. This is the kind of aspie stuff that makes me see red.
Hiding marital assets seems like something else.

[Anonymous]

Regardless of etiology, 40 is young. Get out now and get on with life.

[Anonymous]

From an aspie perspective... I don’t see what the big deal is?

[Anonymous]

If you don’t get divorced, get a postnup.

For your reference, in most places premarital assets remain separate property by default—something proactive has to happen to make them joint.

That said, lying is not a feature of the autism spectrum. You cannot trust this guy. If you are going to stay, get paperwork done.

[Anonymous]

If you’re 40 and married at 20 get out now.

Just for fun, I would start an account with my mom and transfer the same amount as he transfers to his relative. This could help with cash flow during a divorce. And maybe it will make you feel a little better so that you don’t want to divorce. This might be good or bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:20 years of marriage, 1 kid. DH is recently (finally) diagnosed. It has been a long, difficult road with a constant need for him to control most everything, but especially finances.

Breaking point has been in the last two months, when the below were discovered. On the one hand, these could be explained by AS reasoning. On the other, the end result is so morally bankrupt, maybe I should call it and separate. From an Aspie's perspective, would you see how destructive these actions are or feel they are understandable?

1) For 20 years, he hid that he intended his premarital earnings to be his alone (~1.5M starting from age 30, we are 50/40 yo now), because it was too "difficult" for him to have the conversation. So he just hid it.
2) He asked me to SHP to help his career, which I agreed to because I never doubted our assets were joint. Also, "You could work, but it would be a burden to the family, etc."
3) Oops, when he realized that hiding his intent about premarital earnings was not okay, he backtracked to 50/50 and 'rebuilding trust.'
4) Then over the last two months of transparency, I found multiple forgotten accounts (woops, my 401k there I didn't rollover, oh yeah that IRA, etc.) Total value ~200k or so.
5 Culminating in finding a hidden account that he owns with a family member. Here's where it gets crazy. He transfers money from our equities, to this co-owned with family member account and then to ours. Ostensibly, this is to cleanly categorize large dollar items (tuition, taxes, remodels, etc.), but more likely this is to control what's visible for expenses n our accounts. FWIW there is no external reason for this level of protection. We are ~6M net worth and there is no concern of either party spending inappropriately.

So what's your take? I'm a fighter for marriage, and have already stuck in longer than maybe I should have. But does this push us well past a reasonable point for NDs?

According to law, whatever you or him had before you married is his and yours respectively. He does not need to ask your permission or explain anything. If you insist otherwise it is you who is imposing.

1) For 20 years, he hid that he intended his premarital earnings to be his alone (~1.5M starting from age 30, we are 50/40 yo now), because it was too "difficult" for him to have the conversation. So he just hid it.

He asked you, he did not force you, that was your mutual decission. If you did not discussed the rules and conditions,
he is not the only type of husband to move goal posts or be ungrateful for this, very quickly working husband stop seeing the work that SAHP does and s... t hits the fan.

2) He asked me to SHP to help his career, which I agreed to because I never doubted our assets were joint. Also, "You could work, but it would be a burden to the family, etc."

Again, this is HIS money. Just the same if your parents gave you money, it would not be his but yours.
You have no right to use this against him or make him feel bad. you can use this as a negotiating point against your
stay at home parenting but not demand it like it is yours. Yours was to stay at home and waste your career or not
but it was your choice.

3) Oops, when he realized that hiding his intent about premarital earnings was not okay, he backtracked to 50/50 and 'rebuilding trust.'

Did you ever ask about this money? Otherwise you don't expect Aspie to come to you and ask you "please .. please.. control me"

4) Then over the last two months of transparency, I found multiple forgotten accounts (woops, my 401k there I didn't rollover, oh yeah that IRA, etc.) Total value ~200k or so.

This might be just tax evasion... since the founds eventually end up in to your accounts. He clearly feels your little wife's brain can not hold numbers.. that is offensive but again. Aspie.

5 Culminating in finding a hidden account that he owns with a family member. Here's where it gets crazy. He transfers money from our equities, to this co-owned with family member account and then to ours. Ostensibly, this is to cleanly categorize large dollar items (tuition, taxes, remodels, etc.), but more likely this is to control what's visible for expenses n our accounts. FWIW there is no external reason for this level of protection. We are ~6M net worth and there is no concern of either party spending inappropriately.

You can not fix Aspie. You can only negotiate terms. There will always be this need to hide stuff from you and do things t heir way
as they don't like to be questioned, criticized, or doubt as their narcissist side tells them they know best.

If you trust him he is doing it to maximize your assets, your choice, otherwise you might stay in the marriage but separate the finances completly and then you will have no reason to doubt him or he will have no reason to stay with you if all he needs is your money and your help with kids.

Aspie love is a strange thing. I know few very close friends and heard enough over the years to learn more then I ever wished since you are the confidant and you have to support a friend without judging so you need to learn not to judge but also to understand.
That opened a strange new world I did not know existed.

Lately I saw this image and I think while this illustrates many marriages, it especially illustrates Aspie and Neuro Typical partner marriage.




Nobody can tell you if you should stay or leave because this is YOUR life and you will have to live with your decission.
You need to consider that:
there are no ideal husbands
there are no ideal marriages
every marriage has some problems
every marriage needs work all the time
if there is a child that is a game changer
if your husband has good intentions that is different
if he is Aspie, he will never be fully reformed as you want him to be as he just see the world opposite to yours


If you have a child or children, there is a great chance one or all of them carry the same treat as your husband. You may not see them when they are little but they get more obvious with age. Watch out for the things that irritate you in your husband and see if you can find them in your little angels.

Does your husband let you decide about family, does he let you make health and education decission etc..

If you leave him.. and divorce.. you will NOT have your children all for yourself.
He will have them HALF of the time.
He will be allowed to take them places, even abroad.
He will be allowed to make his own decisions without asking your permission about some things regarding children.
He will eventually remarry and there goes the family.. your kids will have a new younger mom who they might
like better then you and she will have a lot to decide about your kids....
He will have to support financially new family so your current financial situation will change drastically.

There is this piece titled:
Married with Undiagnosed ASD: Why Women Who Leave Lose Twice

It is about undiagnosed Asperger's but the same applies to your situation.

You may read it at it will explain you better then I ever can what you are facing.

So at the end of the day.. you and only you will know what to do.

One more thing I know from observing couples over the years is that Aspies do get worse with age. It is because the marriage gets old, any marriage and with this lots of stuff ends.. naturally... and then they get more secluded, and more isolated and you end up in
a very lonely relationship. So splitting young might make sense if you want to remarry but again, now you will have to let some other guy to parent YOUR kid and this is something many people are not willing to do.

Marriage with Aspie is a three ring circus and you can never get a break. But they tend to be smarter then average so the conversation can be more fun unless they are just all about one hobbby.. some are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think that lying to your spouse is part of Asperger’s disorder.

I thought that you were going to ask about why it doesn’t seem to matter to him that it’s your birthday, and he forgot to get you a present, but it does seem to matter that when you set the table for your own birthday dinner, the fork is in the wrong place. This is the kind of aspie stuff that makes me see red.
Hiding marital assets seems like something else.

The average Aspie does lie by all standards but by not their own. They simply are seeing truth differently and they don't even consider it a lie. They also will try to present facts to please you so they will hide some facts "for your own good"

Aspies are more complicated that what you said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
If you’re 40 and married at 20 get out now.

Just for fun, I would start an account with my mom and transfer the same amount as he transfers to his relative. This could help with cash flow during a divorce. And maybe it will make you feel a little better so that you don’t want to divorce. This might be good or bad.

Legally she does not need to start account with her mom, if there are any joint account, at any point you are allowed to take
as much as you want, put it under your name and keep it there, and tell him you did.

While this money is a subject to assets division during divorce and you don't hide it, it is legal thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t get divorced, get a postnup.

For your reference, in most places premarital assets remain separate property by default—something proactive has to happen to make them joint.

That said, lying is not a feature of the autism spectrum. You cannot trust this guy. If you are going to stay, get paperwork done.

As per red. This!

About lying and the autism spectrum.. generally it depends on WHEHRE on the spectrum they are.

Aspies are HIGHLY functioning Autism Spectrum cases and the old school truth that they don't lie is long debunked.
It is true to some, but truly not all. Tons of newer literature to prove it.

The old books say that but the Aspies diagnosis is relatively new things and more was known at first about kids and now only they move to adults so every day they debunk some stuff that does apply to kids but not to adults.

Adults are constantly shifting and mimicking and they are not cookie cutter cases anymore.

[Anonymous]

PS.. about lying and Aspie..

Autism.. Asperger often comes with other stuff.. often Narcissism.. OCD.. etc.. and the more of those flavors there is in person the different attitudes about lying.

If your Aspie husband happen to be also heavily narcissistic then gaslighting is a tool of the trade with them. It is a lot about their image at all cost.

[Anonymous]

I am not sure who told you that Aspies don't lie but t hey are not correct.

This should help you to understand the concept better:
______________________________________________________________

Can Autistics Tell Lies?

I am not sure who started the rumor that those with ASD don’t lie, and even that they are incapable of lying. Clearly this is not true. Sadly, all people lie, but how Autistics lie is unique. It’s that uniqueness that gums up our relationships.


Without empathy, Autistics lie similarly to psychopaths, although Autistics don’t have the ruthless intent. They aren’t considering how we will feel when they lie to us. They aren’t even considering a “smooth” way to lie. They just lie to avoid confrontation, anxiety, being wrong, or any number of reasons the rest of us may lie.

When confronted with their lies autistics have a variety of defenses that mimic psychopaths too.

They tell us they “never said that.”
They elaborate the lie.
They change the subject.
They ignore us.
They even lie when the truth would work better.
What’s with that?

It might just be that they need help with what I call the Rules of Engagement. They don’t always have the social awareness that lying will cause harm to the relationship. Once they get this, they try harder.

https://kmarshack.com/2018/08/22/can-autistics-tell-lies-kathy-marshack/

[Anonymous]

OP, this is big. This means that he is doing something he did not have to as again, this assets by default are NOT YOURS.
So if he is willing to split half and half that is a big gesture on his side. Like a gift he really did not have to do.
yes, you gave him a gift to but you presumed stuff about his assests. presumption is not a fact or agreement.

3) Oops, when he realized that hiding his intent about premarital earnings was not okay, he backtracked to 50/50 and 'rebuilding trust.'