Aspies, need your insight
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Anonymous
Reading these descriptions made me realize that both my dad and my ex husband are probably on the spectrum. Knew there were issues but this is an eureka moment that explains so much about the handling of finances and many other things. From my experience with my ex husband, there may be more accounts to be found than you've seen. The in and out account with the family member might be an attempt to minimize your ownership in that money or it's just an odd habit. Hard to know how people think. A lot of people get lazy with the retirement accounts so I'd cross that off your list for being mad but I would definitely try to find every last one because 1/2 of those are yours period. Definitely consult an attorney who knows your jurisdiction and go for someone who is used to complex cases. It will be money well spent. You want someone experienced. For example, it the premarital earnings are comingled, they may not be his alone. Each marital situation is unique to the nth degree so find out what you're looking at BEFORE you even consider divorce. The issue for me was that it didn't feel like a partnership with my husband. We were living together with kids but it was like there was an impenetrable wall between us when it came to finances which is obviously a big category of married life. We weren't working together which depressed me greatly. Your situation may be different and I truly wish you well. But remember where there is smoke, there is fire re those extra accounts. |
Anonymous
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OP here. His intent is good, just often misses the mark. His need for control, especially financial, is total. I thought he was particular when we got married, but didn't understand how it would worsen over time. His anxiety ramps this up too. There is constant fear of scarcity and we don't have enough. It can take months and years to get him to see an alternate view on things, and if he has to "give in" he feels victimized. It's all uphill battles.
This is the first time I've seen though where his logic has led him to such an amoral decision. He truly felt that filtering money through a private account was the best way to categorize spending. I think he may have felt guilty for having to do this and that's why he hid it? I honestly don't know. Luckily he is getting diagnosed and he wants the postnup and to use outside advisors (financial, CPA, etc.) for transparency. His focus (if you know the significance of that) is on this and he keeps saying "You need to be protected." But it's easy for him to say and even do all that though, and have it still not amount to much. He is an immensely interesting person to talk to especially in his areas of interests- business analysis, market trends and finance. I really love these conversations with him. He also loves his family. There are lots of reasons to want to find a way to make this work, and this is the best clarity I've had in 20 years. We're going to keep at it. It's been really helpful to hear everyone's experiences here. |
Anonymous
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OP: Do you trust him? Do you trust that he's looking out for you? Do you trust he's not going to leave you penniless, or try to leave you penniless, at some point?
This all seems less to do with your husband being Aspie and more to do with you being left out of planning and knowing about your family's finances. I think regardless of whether your husband is on the spectrum or not, that would put you in a terrible position you can't be expected to just quietly abide. I hope you guys can sort this out. |
Anonymous
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I trust that he wants to do the right thing, but has different rules for assessing what's "right."
So the postnup is there to create security- like a last safety net. It allows me to stay without an insane level of risk. But the goal is obviously not to have to use it. For that we are in the process of separating out where he has control (mostly equity accounts) and where not (most all expenses). Luckily, he's largely achieved his goals, so this feels doable for him now. It's more rule setting rather than reasoning- because there's just no shared reasoning. |
Anonymous
Wow.... this pretty much nails it on the head, the struggle. I have tried to explain this to him, but I don't think he will ever understand the special kind of pain this scenario inflicts. |
Anonymous
So accurate! Even down to the bad driving. I don't understand how there's not broader awareness of this in society. |
Anonymous
Agree. It’s so chronic, pervasive and consistent to anyone that lives with one. |
Anonymous
When we finally broke up all our friends and contacts started saying cliches like “absent minded professor,” “something was off,” “space cadet”, “quirky,” “book smart, no common sense,” “had a screw loose,” “always lecturing about the same two things.” Ugh. When dating you first make excuses but eventually, I’d you’re not beaten down into a homebody, you see the repeats, excuses, patterns. And then you can’t you can’t unsee them. |
Anonymous
| OP how did you get your DH to agree to see someone for a diagnosis? |
Anonymous
NP: you can’t unsee them but does it mean you can’t live with them? Genuinely asking. I don’t know. |
Anonymous
| Many people can’t. You have to actively disassociate and live parallel lives. |
Anonymous
No other choice and getting serious about divorce. We did couple's counseling back in 2016 and it was suggested then. I think he didn't want to know or get a label. I've done the Grace Myhill group calls for NT's. It was the same for them-- having to get to divorce before DH would agree to testing. It sucks that only the extremes get through. |
Anonymous
Wow. I found this so helpful. I don't know that my spouse has Asperger's, and many of these things don't fit, but the above really does. So does this: "They misinterpret the experiences, feelings and ideas of others, and therefore come to the wrong conclusions. This is often the biggest problem in relationships for people with AS. If they cannot understand someone else’s experience they cannot feel empathy, and if they cannot feel empathy they can’t convey it. Empathy means recognizing how someone else feels, understanding it, caring about how they feel, and then expressing that care. People with AS are not capable of empathy. Some acknowledge their inability to “read social cues” and will tell you that if only you let them know how you’re feeling, they’ll care. Not true. They’ll still invalidate your feelings." I don't know that I even want to explain this as "feelings." It's more the experiences. He doesn't understand how he sometimes my life is difficult and he gets frustrated when I'm tired or don't do some small thing right (not everything, but he will get fixated on things and not let them go). I have wondered so many times if there is something wrong with me. How can I feel one way, and have my life partner not see it? But I think this is it. He just can't understand my experience. And even more, he doesn't really interpret it as being different than his. So many things are clicking into place here: 1) We moved far away from family and friends for his job. I really miss them, and would like to move back, but I feel trapped here because he doesn't want to move and won't look for a job closer to my family. He thinks this is crazy and manipulative, or that I am being impulsive (it's been 5 years). 2) He has lied to me about some big things, but he doesn't see it as lying. "I forget that you don't know everything that I know." 3) He once took a vacation from work and cared for the house and kids while I was out of town. When I came back, he told me that he didn't need me anymore, and that he could take care of everything on his own. When I pointed out that he wouldn't have been able to do it if he was working the whole time, he said that he would "figure that part out." (He is a neurosurgeon and works unpredictable hours 70+ hours/wk...you don't just "figure that out.") 4) He doesn't seem to understand that I am sometimes tired or in pain. If I have been up all night at work, he doesn't understand why I would need to sleep (unless he is ALSO working nights), or if I had a C-section and a new baby, he doesn't understand why I would need to take a break. I have been thinking that he just sees me as weak, or that maybe I am weak. But I actually think it's this. He just doesn't understand my experience. He cannot see life from my perspective. It's so freeing to change my perspective on this. His thoughts on my experiences are just not valid. I'm not wrong in thinking that he doesn't understand. He's not trying to be a jerk when he insists that my feelings are wrong. He just can't see it. Thanks for posting this. I appreciate it! |
Anonymous
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PP, so much made sense once I started to understand. It is a huge relief just to know. Still a very big uphill battle. Just because you see it, doesn’t mean he will- even if he agrees with the diagnosis. Here are resources I gave to DH, the top three do adult testing. He chose Dr. Messenger but all are likely good.
If anyone has recs for therapists that handle ND-NT counseling locally, we are still looking for that. Local testing Dr. Carla Messenger: http://www.drcarlamessenger.com/ Dr. Virginia Lindahl: https://virginialindahl.com/autism-testing/ Dr. Donna Henderson: https://www.drdonnahenderson.com/ ND-NT couples therapist (remote) Grace Myhill https://www.gracemyhill.com/ Dr. Stephanie Holmes http://counselorstephanieholmes.com/?page_id=8 Other resources https://www.aane.org/topics/adults/resources-for-adults/ https://www.aane.org/topics/adults/couplespartners/ https://www.aane.org/asperger-profile-big-picture-challenges/ https://1c329e9a-8cbf-48b5-b619-c7bc82b316c0.filesusr.com/ugd/6d3c85_d40aa56248164a97a759af3ccd40a425.pdf https://www.spreaker.com/user/mhnrnetwork/ask-grace-creating-understanding-for-the |
Anonymous
+1 |