Strangers who talk to toddlers having tantrums

[Anonymous]

This thread makes me sad. I do try to offer help to people if it looks like they need it. It is a shame that OP and people like her/him are so self-absorbed that they can't understand basic acts of kindness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had random people on the street tell me loudly “it’s hard being a toddler” when my toddler was melting down. He had epic meltdowns for about 2 years. It always made me feel bad when people said this. I heard them saying “have some sympathy for your struggling kid you crappy mom”.

I would have thought the opposite-- Melting down is what toddlers do, so don't be embarrassed or think you're doing something wrong.

[Anonymous]

This has happened to me several times. I just smile politely and say "we are teaching our child not to talk to strangers. Thank you."

[Anonymous]

I can't believe so many people think it's good to intervene this way. The only thing that makes a miserable situation worse is having some rando that I also need to manage in addition to my child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you know that in many Subsaharan countries, strangers help parents with their kids? As in, waitresses in restaurants will hold and take care of your baby and kid while you eat? Not bcs it is their job, but bcs that is their culture?
My dd had the most horrendous GERD as a baby. Heck, she has it still at 19. That meant that she screamed in her car seat during any drive, so much that it was heard with windows up by all the pedestrians? She would scream if held too!
And that nothing ever helped? I am pretty sure that this whole country still has the stories of the worst mzungu mom in the country!
People would knock on the window to help my baby, and I never got upset. I knew they thought they were helping me out. However frustrating it was?

Same here. Still has it. Very painful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe so many people think it's good to intervene this way. The only thing that makes a miserable situation worse is having some rando that I also need to manage in addition to my child.

I guess that's the point--you obviously aren't managing the situation well so people are trying to be helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you know that in many Subsaharan countries, strangers help parents with their kids? As in, waitresses in restaurants will hold and take care of your baby and kid while you eat? Not bcs it is their job, but bcs that is their culture?
My dd had the most horrendous GERD as a baby. Heck, she has it still at 19. That meant that she screamed in her car seat during any drive, so much that it was heard with windows up by all the pedestrians? She would scream if held too!
And that nothing ever helped? I am pretty sure that this whole country still has the stories of the worst mzungu mom in the country!
People would knock on the window to help my baby, and I never got upset. I knew they thought they were helping me out. However frustrating it was?

Same here. Still has it. Very painful.

It is so terrible, right? But, people will offer advice regardless. That is when is it annoying, as you are exhausted, haven't slept in a year, and yet, they are acting like you are the worst mother ever?
One of the best compliments I got from a stranger was on a flight back from London, where dd was receiving medical care, a British woman, a bit older, told me that I am a very attentive and a good mom. I basically held dd, 7 months at the time, on my chest and rocked her up and down so she could sleep and not scream the whole time. London to Nairobi, I had another flight after that too. She never offered to help, but she must've observed that I did my best to soothe dd and, just that one sentence is still in my head 18 years later. Sometimes, it is the small kindness that moms appreciate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread makes me sad. I do try to offer help to people if it looks like they need it. It is a shame that OP and people like her/him are so self-absorbed that they can't understand basic acts of kindness.

Except sometimes, it is condescending. You can tell when people are judging and acting like mom is a moron. There are plenty of well-meaning people, but some are not. It is easy to tell the difference.

[Anonymous]

I think the moral of the story, thanks OP, is to never ever help a struggling parent. You may unknowingly the offending them by offering to help or alleviate a situation in anyway.

[Anonymous]

My youngest is in college now. She's an absolutely terrific young woman -- smart, warm, full of fun and capable of speaking truth to power in a civil and disarming way. She was hell on wheels as a toddler, though -- tantrums at in the library, grocery store, swimming pool, etc. I would have been mortified to have someone make funny faces at her. Plus, it wouldn't have worked -- she didn't need distraction, but space to get herself together. So, I rushed to get out of the store or whatever to give her the opportunity to calm herself. The one occasion that I recall a stranger being a godsend was when a little boy behind us in the line at Toys R' Us (throwback Thursday here) looked at me with great sympathy and said, "Sometimes it's just hard being a mom." Wherever that boy is today -- he's probably around 25, I'm guessing -- I hope karma is with him for his kindness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why I never try to help parents. I used to hold doors for people struggling with strollers, but it seems the "it takes a village" crowd only wants the village when it's convenient. So parents are invisible to me.

Are you a parent?

It is never ever ever help to intervene in a tantrum. Never has a toddler who is dysregulated been soothed by a stranger. Use common sense and then join the village.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes toddlers just need to freak out. There's no helping. They are humans, just like the rest of us. And when you see a toddler losing their shit, the only thing you should do is smile sympathetically at the parent who is waiting it out.

[Anonymous]

If my toddler is having an epic meltdown, I’m doing my best to ignore it while getting us out of wherever we are as quickly as possible. Strangers should ignore it as well

[Anonymous]

Yea, that type of intervening never helps with my DD. She’ll just screech like a banshee at the stranger. Or stick her tongue out. It’s kind of hilarious.

I know someone will criticize me for that but whatever. I don’t want my kid to learn she has to tolerate strangers in her personal space or tolerate talking to people who make her uncomfortable.

If I see a mom with a screaming kid who looks like she needs help, I’ll offer to help *her* by offering to watch her other kids, or move her cart somewhere safe, etc so she can do the parenting. Not by trying to do the parenting myself.

[Anonymous]

I am forever thankful to the young lady who took my 18 mo tantruming toddler off my hands on the S bus once and entertained him for 20 min! I was on the verge of tears with him and then I was on the verge of tears from being so thankful to her!