How do army wives with 5 kids manage? I can barely take care of 2 kids w a spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Standards are lower. They tend to not be educated, so they’re not going to spend a lot of time on enriching games, reading, cooking nutritionally-balanced food, thinking about their development and what activities would best develop them. Which is fine, most kids don’t need that level of support. We educated UMC tend to over-do it.

Not enough 🙄 in the world for this post...

DP here. My sister is not a military wife and she does have a college degree. But this definitely describes her parenting style with 4 kids (but she was like this even with one.) They also are not saving for college or weddings. She just shrugs and says they will "help" how they can at the time. She doesn't live in this area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They have access to fantastic, incredibly cheap child care. How cheap? As low as 160 dollars a month for full time care (sliding scale based on income). Plus drop-in daycare for 5 dollars an hour. Essentially free healthcare for the whole family, and a housing subsidy. Obviously, all in exchange for a really risky job.

It's not just the "risky job." There's a lot more about military life that is more difficult than civilian.
It's the time away from family for months or even over a year at a time. Sometimes with very little notice. In 2003 my husband was told that he was leaving in 3 days, with absolutely no return date (it ended up being 9 months, but we didn't know that until a few days before he came home.) He missed our son's birthday, Valentines Day, His birthday, my birthday, our anniversary, etc. During the time he was in/we were married he deployed several times (each time 6+ months) and the most notice we ever got was 2 months.

It's complete lack of control over many aspects of your life. Yeah, theoretically there is a "wish list" of duty stations, but I've only met a few people that have had that honored. If they tell you you're moving somewhere, you have to do it. Oh, well the family doesn't have to go--but the military member does. Most families want to stay together. Unlike any other job, the military member can't just turn in their two weeks notice and quit.

[Anonymous]

What I'm getting from this thread is that military families live in the "real" world, like most Homo Sapiens on earth, and some of the other posters are sheltered DCUM snowflakes horrified at what life looks like out of the Bubble

[Anonymous]

Agree that the moms really help each other out with pizza nights, playdates, sleepovers, etc. When we lived on base I could also always hire another young mom or kid to help out with cleaning or errands or whatever we needed.

[Anonymous]

This thread is weird. A bunch of military moms say "I just don't clean the house, feed them pancakes and McDonalds, and throw them in a pile with another family's kids while the moms drink" and everybody nods and claps.

Then a non-military mom says "standards are lower and they don't worry about making everything perfect" and she gets attacked for being a snob.

Mmmkay.

[Anonymous]

Some of these answers are . . . interesting.

There are many military families where I live. They do help each other out, so that helps. As another mentioned, most are stay a home moms, so they don't have that constant pull of employment outside of the house.

It do think it can be easier for spouses living on base than in a regular neighborhood, where there are more mothers who work. It's less easy to form the connections you have with others who are in the same boat.

[Anonymous]

MIL is really elusive about how much help she received - she had a difficult personality, so what I gleaned from her is that she had "help with the children's laundry" when they were born (I would have gladly taken that!!).

Having had many kids in few years, MIL was very overwhelmed, checked out, depressed and anxiety ridden. Not just unsupportive, but plain mean - saying things like "I'm here to see him not you!" while I was literally in the middle of feeding my newborn, nursing my baby (I'm supposed to leave my house and not feed my newborn??). She visited twice per year, even though she lived down the street. I don't know if she was so mean because she was treated badly in her life (she was), because she was treated badly by the other military wives (she was), or because she was ignored in her marriage (she was).

She had a lot of chips on her shoulder, so it is hard to know if it was her personality disorders, or being a military wife, that caused them. FIL was not around much, and was not present for most of MILs births. I think both of them were very selfish and difficult people.

I think MIL had a really lonely life, in spite of living on base. I think it is what you make it, what you sign up for, OP. You are a good friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is weird. A bunch of military moms say "I just don't clean the house, feed them pancakes and McDonalds, and throw them in a pile with another family's kids while the moms drink" and everybody nods and claps.

Then a non-military mom says "standards are lower and they don't worry about making everything perfect" and she gets attacked for being a snob.

Mmmkay.

PP here. I think both of these are true. MIL didn't clean the house or cook much. Which is fine, but she gets REALLY pissed if someone had a nice house or whatever - like "who does SHE think SHE is??" I like to think that not all military wives are catty, mean, unsupportive b&tches.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is weird. A bunch of military moms say "I just don't clean the house, feed them pancakes and McDonalds, and throw them in a pile with another family's kids while the moms drink" and everybody nods and claps.

Then a non-military mom says "standards are lower and they don't worry about making everything perfect" and she gets attacked for being a snob.

Mmmkay.

Well, you're not giving the full story. That isn't all she said.
"Standards are lower. They tend to not be educated, so they’re not going to spend a lot of time on enriching games, reading, cooking nutritionally-balanced food, thinking about their development and what activities would best develop them. Which is fine, most kids don’t need that level of support. We educated UMC tend to over-do it."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL is really elusive about how much help she received - she had a difficult personality, so what I gleaned from her is that she had "help with the children's laundry" when they were born (I would have gladly taken that!!).

Having had many kids in few years, MIL was very overwhelmed, checked out, depressed and anxiety ridden. Not just unsupportive, but plain mean - saying things like "I'm here to see him not you!" while I was literally in the middle of feeding my newborn, nursing my baby (I'm supposed to leave my house and not feed my newborn??). She visited twice per year, even though she lived down the street. I don't know if she was so mean because she was treated badly in her life (she was), because she was treated badly by the other military wives (she was), or because she was ignored in her marriage (she was).

She had a lot of chips on her shoulder, so it is hard to know if it was her personality disorders, or being a military wife, that caused them. FIL was not around much, and was not present for most of MILs births. I think both of them were very selfish and difficult people.

I think MIL had a really lonely life, in spite of living on base. I think it is what you make it, what you sign up for, OP. You are a good friend.

I think you might be on the wrong thread?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is weird. A bunch of military moms say "I just don't clean the house, feed them pancakes and McDonalds, and throw them in a pile with another family's kids while the moms drink" and everybody nods and claps.

Then a non-military mom says "standards are lower and they don't worry about making everything perfect" and she gets attacked for being a snob.

Mmmkay.

Well, you're not giving the full story. That isn't all she said.
"Standards are lower. They tend to not be educated, so they’re not going to spend a lot of time on enriching games, reading, cooking nutritionally-balanced food, thinking about their development and what activities would best develop them. Which is fine, most kids don’t need that level of support. We educated UMC tend to over-do it."

+1 was just coming to post this exact sentiment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Its actually easier with little kids and a deployed husband sometimes. You can give them waffles and fruit for dinner and let them eat it in pajamas rather than having to make a big dinner for your husband. My husband would get stressed out by a messy house but life was a bit more casual while he was gone, etc I sleep trained two babies by letting them cry it out during deployments without him insisting on picking them up.

This. I only have three but in some ways it's simpler when my husband is actually away. I am 100% in control of the routine and some expectations can be different. I mean, I would rather have him here. BUT I'm not waiting for him to show up, wondering when he's going to show up, for one thing. We eat at whatever time is convenient for ME non dependent on his unpredictable schedule. We can eat cereal for dinner. If I don't do laundry for 2 weeks literally no one cares, etc. There are plenty of people who would help me in an instant if I need it. (This is also true when he's home, btw.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL is really elusive about how much help she received - she had a difficult personality, so what I gleaned from her is that she had "help with the children's laundry" when they were born (I would have gladly taken that!!).

Having had many kids in few years, MIL was very overwhelmed, checked out, depressed and anxiety ridden. Not just unsupportive, but plain mean - saying things like "I'm here to see him not you!" while I was literally in the middle of feeding my newborn, nursing my baby (I'm supposed to leave my house and not feed my newborn??). She visited twice per year, even though she lived down the street. I don't know if she was so mean because she was treated badly in her life (she was), because she was treated badly by the other military wives (she was), or because she was ignored in her marriage (she was).

She had a lot of chips on her shoulder, so it is hard to know if it was her personality disorders, or being a military wife, that caused them. FIL was not around much, and was not present for most of MILs births. I think both of them were very selfish and difficult people.

I think MIL had a really lonely life, in spite of living on base. I think it is what you make it, what you sign up for, OP. You are a good friend.

I think you might be on the wrong thread?

Thanks! You are so kind! I was describing an experience I am familiar with - you don't have to like it or agree with it. Sounds like I hit home for you.

[Anonymous]

Families with more kids, military or otherwise, tend to put less effort into the intense cultivation of each child that has become the norm in the upper middle class. Whether this is good or bad is probably up to the reader: personally I am not in military spouse, but we don’t put huge amounts of energy into curating developmental experiences for our kids, which is why we are able to have a relatively chill life with four.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Its actually easier with little kids and a deployed husband sometimes. You can give them waffles and fruit for dinner and let them eat it in pajamas rather than having to make a big dinner for your husband. My husband would get stressed out by a messy house but life was a bit more casual while he was gone, etc I sleep trained two babies by letting them cry it out during deployments without him insisting on picking them up.

This. I only have three but in some ways it's simpler when my husband is actually away. I am 100% in control of the routine and some expectations can be different. I mean, I would rather have him here. BUT I'm not waiting for him to show up, wondering when he's going to show up, for one thing. We eat at whatever time is convenient for ME non dependent on his unpredictable schedule. We can eat cereal for dinner. If I don't do laundry for 2 weeks literally no one cares, etc. There are plenty of people who would help me in an instant if I need it. (This is also true when he's home, btw.)

+1

I agree with this, but in MIL's case, I think FIL choosing not to be home (more often than he was home) was more a rejection of her. OP, does your friend's DH have a say in when he can be home? I ask because FIL had some say, as an officer, but chose to be away as much as possible, because MIL was so difficult. Not calling your friend difficult, maybe she prefers to run the house on her own?