How do army wives with 5 kids manage? I can barely take care of 2 kids w a spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK, PP here, I should have read the whole thread.

Some of these responses are unkind. Let's face it, some of the things we do are not strictly necessary all the time. There is nothing wrong with cereal for dinner or laundry that sits a while. Expectations CAN be lower for some of these tasks and you can still be doing a great job.

Mil spouses are better educated than a lot of you seem to assume. Maybe these spouses are choosing to play educational games and do enriching things INSTEAD of prioritizing chores. I can take my kids to the smithsonian, or I can have a spotless house and a steak dinner. It's really hard to do everything. The point here is that some things can be de-prioritized if you're only pleasing yourself, and that can make things easier.

Why are you so defensive? And, the idea of typical army SAHM with 5 kids knowing what the Smithsonian is, let alone wanting to go, is kinda inconceivable. That goes for enlisted or officer. Maybe you’re better than the rest of them. Good for you

Maybe we can ask pp with the MIL if MIL went to the smithsonian. Really derail the thread!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is weird. A bunch of military moms say "I just don't clean the house, feed them pancakes and McDonalds, and throw them in a pile with another family's kids while the moms drink" and everybody nods and claps.

Then a non-military mom says "standards are lower and they don't worry about making everything perfect" and she gets attacked for being a snob.

Mmmkay.

Well, you're not giving the full story. That isn't all she said.
"Standards are lower. They tend to not be educated, so they’re not going to spend a lot of time on enriching games, reading, cooking nutritionally-balanced food, thinking about their development and what activities would best develop them. Which is fine, most kids don’t need that level of support. We educated UMC tend to over-do it."

+1 was just coming to post this exact sentiment.

There's a pretty big gap between military wives of enlisted men who have kids, and military wives of officers who have kids. Your impression will likely depend on which group you've encountered.

Well as the child of a career enlisted soldier, I can tell you this impression is nothing like what I experienced. And I lived it. When we lived on base especially, we knew the other families and their kids very well, and I can assure you that (gasp!) even us lowly enlisted families had balanced meals and were read to and played games together and had caring families.

And echoing what others said, this life was significantly harder on both my mom and on us kids when we lived off base vs on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is weird. A bunch of military moms say "I just don't clean the house, feed them pancakes and McDonalds, and throw them in a pile with another family's kids while the moms drink" and everybody nods and claps.

Then a non-military mom says "standards are lower and they don't worry about making everything perfect" and she gets attacked for being a snob.

Mmmkay.

I’m guessing it was the “uneducated” comment (presumably to explain WHY standards are “lower”...). As a highly educated person, I just want to chime in that my standards are pretty low, too. Are the kids clean, fed, clothed, healthy, and happy? Then fantastic, I’m doing a great job!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I’m guessing it was the “uneducated” comment (presumably to explain WHY standards are “lower”...). As a highly educated person, I just want to chime in that my standards are pretty low, too. Are the kids clean, fed, clothed, healthy, and happy? Then fantastic, I’m doing a great job!

Agree, the uneducated comment was just unnecessary. And reflective of stereotypes which are largely no longer true. most enlisted spouses I know over the age of about 25 have at least a bachelors degree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do families make it work if both parents are in the military?

From what I've seen - 25 years air force spouse- this is very difficult. Most dual mil couples don't have 5 kids. Two, maybe three. They get childcare priority from the installation facilities and often there are services for overnights and stuff like that (though this part never works as well as it should.) It's pretty difficult though.

Agree, most of my dual mil friends have 2 or 3 kids. Although, one of my mentors was a super-high speed BTZ Col with a JAG husband and five kids. They do what other dual working families do- paid childcare options/nannies/au pairs and extended family support.

[Anonymous]

Military or not - the experience of large families I know are just different. The baby is left in the highchair with some food while the parents continue on with other things vs an interactive feeding. Toddlers / preschoolers are often allowed outside with slightly older kids and just kind of tag along with the "big kids" a lot of the day. Baths are less frequent, clothes are what the kids choose (with minimal wrestling into mittens figuring a cold child will come back in), bedtime happens in bulk with a book read to all the kids versus individual bedtimes. Most don't leave the house nearly as often and there are fewer acitvities - which is reasonable b/c what's the point of making 4 kids sit at another's ballet class when they have all 5 to play with at home.

Its a lot more free wheeling, independent, and the parents are the managers / help vs the platmate.

This isn't a values statement that one way is better than the other or "low" vs "high" standards. Just a very different model.

[Anonymous]

also I think 2 or 3 kids can be perceived as harder in some ways b/c they're trying to give each kid parts of the only child experience (reading individual stories, playing with them, activities that they select). By the time there are 4-5 you've clearly said f-it to that model of parenting and picked a different model for your kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Military or not - the experience of large families I know are just different. The baby is left in the highchair with some food while the parents continue on with other things vs an interactive feeding. Toddlers / preschoolers are often allowed outside with slightly older kids and just kind of tag along with the "big kids" a lot of the day. Baths are less frequent, clothes are what the kids choose (with minimal wrestling into mittens figuring a cold child will come back in), bedtime happens in bulk with a book read to all the kids versus individual bedtimes. Most don't leave the house nearly as often and there are fewer acitvities - which is reasonable b/c what's the point of making 4 kids sit at another's ballet class when they have all 5 to play with at home.

Its a lot more free wheeling, independent, and the parents are the managers / help vs the platmate.

This isn't a values statement that one way is better than the other or "low" vs "high" standards. Just a very different model.

Can’t believe it took you until page 6 to ride in on your high horse!
You must not know many large families!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Military or not - the experience of large families I know are just different. The baby is left in the highchair with some food while the parents continue on with other things vs an interactive feeding. Toddlers / preschoolers are often allowed outside with slightly older kids and just kind of tag along with the "big kids" a lot of the day. Baths are less frequent, clothes are what the kids choose (with minimal wrestling into mittens figuring a cold child will come back in), bedtime happens in bulk with a book read to all the kids versus individual bedtimes. Most don't leave the house nearly as often and there are fewer acitvities - which is reasonable b/c what's the point of making 4 kids sit at another's ballet class when they have all 5 to play with at home.

Its a lot more free wheeling, independent, and the parents are the managers / help vs the platmate.

This isn't a values statement that one way is better than the other or "low" vs "high" standards. Just a very different model.

Mother of 5 here. I would say this is pretty accurate. I was going to make an exception for the "fewer activities," but I will say that it's true too. But the reason is more of the reason the kids choose their own clothes. It's that I am not going to battle anyone to go to ballet class anymore. My kids are allowed to do whatever activities they choose to do, and I have even made things happen (my little one loves chess, and I started and supervised an afterschool chess club pre-covid), but I am not going to force it.
If you don't want to practice piano, that's too bad, but we are dropping out of lessons until you change your mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
An old middle school friend (we're not longer in touch but I follow her on Facebook) has 5 kids, and her husband is often deployed for many months at a time. Everyone I know is overwhelmed with their 1-2 children. I honestly can't imagine how she takes care of 5 kids on her own. Three of the kids are under 5. Is she super organzied? Does anyone know anyone like this? How do you do it?? Kudos to you

She is organized, kids are not entitled brats, she knows that complaining does no good and does what needs to be done. I know this because my mother was a military wife with five children. No brats. No picky eaters. We all had assigned chores that changed every month. Boys did kitchen duty and girls did yard work. We also knew that complaining was wasted energy. By the time we were ten we could do our own laundry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is weird. A bunch of military moms say "I just don't clean the house, feed them pancakes and McDonalds, and throw them in a pile with another family's kids while the moms drink" and everybody nods and claps.

Then a non-military mom says "standards are lower and they don't worry about making everything perfect" and she gets attacked for being a snob.

Mmmkay.

Well, you're not giving the full story. That isn't all she said.
"Standards are lower. They tend to not be educated, so they’re not going to spend a lot of time on enriching games, reading, cooking nutritionally-balanced food, thinking about their development and what activities would best develop them. Which is fine, most kids don’t need that level of support. We educated UMC tend to over-do it."

+1 was just coming to post this exact sentiment.

There's a pretty big gap between military wives of enlisted men who have kids, and military wives of officers who have kids. Your impression will likely depend on which group you've encountered.

Agree. Maybe the "uneducated" PP commenter spent a lot time in Fayetteville..

The DC area has a lot more high ranking military officers and than other other area so of course education and child rearing among military will look different than say, Ft. Bragg or Ft. Benning

But the nice part about the military is they become your family. And IMO that are so much more helpful and pleasant than actual family--and you get to pick your company.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

She is organized, kids are not entitled brats, she knows that complaining does no good and does what needs to be done. I know this because my mother was a military wife with five children. No brats. No picky eaters. We all had assigned chores that changed every month. Boys did kitchen duty and girls did yard work. We also knew that complaining was wasted energy. By the time we were ten we could do our own laundry.

Yes! AND, having survived a couple of deployments myself - not to mention the usual frequent absences and unpredictable schedule that is normal non-deployment military life-- the kids really step up when they need to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Its actually easier with little kids and a deployed husband sometimes. You can give them waffles and fruit for dinner and let them eat it in pajamas rather than having to make a big dinner for your husband. My husband would get stressed out by a messy house but life was a bit more casual while he was gone, etc I sleep trained two babies by letting them cry it out during deployments without him insisting on picking them up.

Thank you for this perspective. I don't have any friends in the military, so I don't know that world at all. It's hard for me to picture it especially moving every year or two and starting over in terms of friends and community support. Anything else you can share about your experience as a military spouse. Would you do it over again?

My DH isn’t military but traveled every week almost, pre COVID and sometimes it’s definitely easier when he was gone.

Military brat here, married to a federal government contractor who used to travel the world. DH traveled extensively while our 3DC were very young. I was a SAHM.

Like PPs said, in many ways, we made things fun! Everyone sleeps with mom! Early bedtimes after baths with a promised movie. Picnic dinners on a quilt in the family room. Moms Day Out program for youngest while older 2 in ES - sometimes, I’d drop the baby off at MDO, race home and take a two hour nap. Made my own schedule independent of DH. Made the kids play with each other - we didn’t require or really want play dates.


Generalization: most military wives are highly adaptable, independent and organized! You marry pretty much knowing your DH won’t be at your side at all times or immediately available.

[Anonymous]

26 year Marine wife here. I assume it’s similar for all services, but Marine wives really take care of each other, from Day 1. Childcare is never an issue, whether through the CDC, or calling up a wife in the same unit. All sorts of activities for kids and families bases abound and are extremely cheap or free. Because we’re all in the same boat (pun intended), no one adopts a negative or woe is me attitude. Wives of senior NCOs are a Godsend to a new wife whether officer or enlisted. They know the ins and outs of Marine family life and how to get stuff done. MCCS has also improved a ton. You move a lot, but base resources are all pretty similar so after a couple PCSs it becomes old hat. It is a bit of a cloistered life, but in a way it has to be as only another military wife knows what we go through and speaks the same language. I wouldn’t want to have lived any other way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Military or not - the experience of large families I know are just different. The baby is left in the highchair with some food while the parents continue on with other things vs an interactive feeding. Toddlers / preschoolers are often allowed outside with slightly older kids and just kind of tag along with the "big kids" a lot of the day. Baths are less frequent, clothes are what the kids choose (with minimal wrestling into mittens figuring a cold child will come back in), bedtime happens in bulk with a book read to all the kids versus individual bedtimes. Most don't leave the house nearly as often and there are fewer acitvities - which is reasonable b/c what's the point of making 4 kids sit at another's ballet class when they have all 5 to play with at home.

Its a lot more free wheeling, independent, and the parents are the managers / help vs the platmate.

This isn't a values statement that one way is better than the other or "low" vs "high" standards. Just a very different model.

This essentially sounds like the way most of us were raised in the 70s and 80s, no matter the size of the family, before parenting became a competitive sport.