How would you feel if your adult child wrote you a letter about their traumas from childhood?

[Anonymous]

Well...I am sure that all children dislike something that their parents did. My mom would never let me participate in sport meets that required travel. She thought that adults (coaches and teachers) were not to be trusted and could potentially sexually abuse young children. In the end, I dropped out from various sports team and I then quit sports altogether.

As an adult and a mom now, I think my mom had best intentions and perhaps she had better honed instincts in protecting us.

If my kids need to confront me about something then I will welcome it. Mainly because I have been a loving and supportive mom and created a great marriage and home life for my family, so I do not fear what they have to say. Secondly, what ever my kids have to say is valuable and if it allows them healing, introspection or growth, why would I stop them or make them feel guilty for feeling the way they do?

I am sure confronting parents in such a way is way for some children to work through their emotions that is holding them back. It is a breakthrough. I am pretty satisfied about my parenting skills and there was no abuse at our home so I am not fearful of what my kids will say to me.

I will celebrate that my kids are doing the adult thing and taking charge of their mental health. What's to feel bad about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Getting a letter like this from 25 year old child? Would you be mad? Introspective? Prefer it to a conversation confronting your abuse?

Hmm. I'd like to think I'd be introspective about it, especially if it seemed thoughtful and somewhat "balanced" (ie, a little self awareness would make a big difference) and had good, specific points. So like "I feel growing up you were very XXX. I remember this specific incident where Y happened and you reacted in ABC way, and I think that was abusive. There was a similar time when you did Z in response to something and that was really unacceptable" would get much more introspection from me than just "you were abusive in my childhood and I hate you" unless I had already accepted the fact that I was abusive.

I will say I would STRONGLY prefer a letter to a confrontation, because then I could process on my own and respond in a healthy, productive way. It's hard to manage big feelings in a conversation.

Now, I just have a one year old and I'm confident I'm not an abuser, and who knows how I would ACTUALLY feel in this moment, I'm just trying to project. I also think I'm a well balanced, thoughtful individual who takes my kid's needs seriously, which I think means both that I'm less likely to become an abuser, and likely to take a letter well. But by definition, you're talking about sending this to an abuser (or at least a former abuser) who I would guess is significantly less emotionally healthy. So how your parent specifically would react, that's impossible to say.

So I guess I would end with my recommendation - which is that if you're considering sending such a letter, it might make sense to meet with a therapist and have a few sessions to talk through what you're doing and what you're trying to accomplish, and to have support during the aftermath (whatever it might be).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Getting a letter like this from 25 year old child? Would you be mad? Introspective? Prefer it to a conversation confronting your abuse?

I'd do nothing. If they wanted a fight, it wouldn't happen. I took care of you, educated you, and did my best. Stay away if this is how you feel. Ri

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would feel terrible that my kid underwent trauma while living in my household. I would reach out, try to understand and apologize for any of my role in it, not seeing it, not protecting them. I would feel glad they were in therapy (assuming that’s how the letter came about) and finding ways to heal.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would feel terrible that my kid underwent trauma while living in my household. I would reach out, try to understand and apologize for any of my role in it, not seeing it, not protecting them. I would feel glad they were in therapy (assuming that’s how the letter came about) and finding ways to heal.

+1

Exactly

I will never stop being their parent.

[Anonymous]

+1

Even if my adult child became a criminal and wrote such a letter from jail, I would react the exact same way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d run it by a friend first maybe. I knew someone who did this (and earnestly thought he was confronting about mistreatment) but the content was “all my friends got to go to Europe but you never took me to Europe!” And “you shouldn’t have let me quit piano when I wanted and if I had kept playing I’d be great now!”

Don’t send one like that!

Those complaints might sound stupid, but they tend to point to something bigger. Likely, checked out parents.

Eh, it likely points to a young adult during the height of the navel gazing phase - write the letter if you must, DON’T ever send it, look back on it in 10-15 years (preferably when you’ve had many years of parenting your own kids under your belt), cringe, and then burn it.

Based on your attitude, I would just keep you at arm’s length or cut ties.

Well, I speak from experience as the child who went through a phase of judging my parents incredibly harshly and wanting to blame them for everything - then I grew up. Sure they’re not perfect, but they were doing the best they could.

Same. My big complaints were that my mom never pushed me enough academically. I had good grades but really didn’t try and was very made when applying to law school that I hadn’t gone to a better undergrad. I didn’t realize how well I could do if i just applied myself until high school. BUT it’s also true there was a lot of other stuff going on at home that contributed to this. My mom was single and dating a married man and that kind of messed with me too.

[Anonymous]

Two kinds of people here and in life, the kinds that have empathy for this because they understand what trauma in childhood is because they have lived it, and those that had pretty good childhoods but were mad at their parents for normal stuff and therefore believe that letters like this are silly and whiny.

As other people have said, write it, don't send it. If your parents were bad enough to justify a letter from the first group of people above, than they will not react how you want them to and it will just drag out your pain. Instead put strong boundaries in place and live your life well in spite of them and seek out a therapist so you are not held down by the weight of these events.

And if you're in the second group you shouldn't send it for obvious reasons.

Finally. A sane, balanced answer.