How would you feel if your adult child wrote you a letter about their traumas from childhood?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d run it by a friend first maybe. I knew someone who did this (and earnestly thought he was confronting about mistreatment) but the content was “all my friends got to go to Europe but you never took me to Europe!” And “you shouldn’t have let me quit piano when I wanted and if I had kept playing I’d be great now!”

Don’t send one like that!

Those complaints might sound stupid, but they tend to point to something bigger. Likely, checked out parents.

Eh, it likely points to a young adult during the height of the navel gazing phase - write the letter if you must, DON’T ever send it, look back on it in 10-15 years (preferably when you’ve had many years of parenting your own kids under your belt), cringe, and then burn it.

Based on your attitude, I would just keep you at arm’s length or cut ties.

Well, I speak from experience as the child who went through a phase of judging my parents incredibly harshly and wanting to blame them for everything - then I grew up. Sure they’re not perfect, but they were doing the best they could.

I sent such and email, parents haven’t really acknowledged or changed, grew up and now am worried about my kids and how my parents will treat them. So because they never worked on anything we will probably just move far away. This is what you risk OP.

[Anonymous]

What kind of trauma?

I need to know specifics to have an opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Getting a letter like this from 25 year old child? Would you be mad? Introspective? Prefer it to a conversation confronting your abuse?

Is your child in an addiction treatment facility, this seems to first thing they have you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d run it by a friend first maybe. I knew someone who did this (and earnestly thought he was confronting about mistreatment) but the content was “all my friends got to go to Europe but you never took me to Europe!” And “you shouldn’t have let me quit piano when I wanted and if I had kept playing I’d be great now!”

Don’t send one like that!

I’d be so f@cking pissed and disappointed if I got a letter like this. Because it would mean that I’d raised an entitled brat with no perspective on how fortunate they were.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d run it by a friend first maybe. I knew someone who did this (and earnestly thought he was confronting about mistreatment) but the content was “all my friends got to go to Europe but you never took me to Europe!” And “you shouldn’t have let me quit piano when I wanted and if I had kept playing I’d be great now!”

Don’t send one like that!

Those complaints might sound stupid, but they tend to point to something bigger. Likely, checked out parents.

Are you kidding? Complaining about not getting to go to Europe as a child? Gtfo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d run it by a friend first maybe. I knew someone who did this (and earnestly thought he was confronting about mistreatment) but the content was “all my friends got to go to Europe but you never took me to Europe!” And “you shouldn’t have let me quit piano when I wanted and if I had kept playing I’d be great now!”

Don’t send one like that!

Those complaints might sound stupid, but they tend to point to something bigger. Likely, checked out parents.

Are you kidding? Complaining about not getting to go to Europe as a child? Gtfo.

It’s an important rite of passage for many.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d run it by a friend first maybe. I knew someone who did this (and earnestly thought he was confronting about mistreatment) but the content was “all my friends got to go to Europe but you never took me to Europe!” And “you shouldn’t have let me quit piano when I wanted and if I had kept playing I’d be great now!”

Don’t send one like that!

Those complaints might sound stupid, but they tend to point to something bigger. Likely, checked out parents.

Eh, it likely points to a young adult during the height of the navel gazing phase - write the letter if you must, DON’T ever send it, look back on it in 10-15 years (preferably when you’ve had many years of parenting your own kids under your belt), cringe, and then burn it.

I remember coming home from college and complaining to my parents that they let me quit the piano. My mother was highly amused and highly annoyed. She said, "I gave you the lessons for years and the opportunity to perform in hopes that it would spark some enjoyment. It didn't. How long did you want me to fight you over the piano?" I couldn't help but laugh at myself right then and there. I hated piano lessons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d run it by a friend first maybe. I knew someone who did this (and earnestly thought he was confronting about mistreatment) but the content was “all my friends got to go to Europe but you never took me to Europe!” And “you shouldn’t have let me quit piano when I wanted and if I had kept playing I’d be great now!”

Don’t send one like that!

Those complaints might sound stupid, but they tend to point to something bigger. Likely, checked out parents.

Are you kidding? Complaining about not getting to go to Europe as a child? Gtfo.

It’s an important rite of passage for many.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d run it by a friend first maybe. I knew someone who did this (and earnestly thought he was confronting about mistreatment) but the content was “all my friends got to go to Europe but you never took me to Europe!” And “you shouldn’t have let me quit piano when I wanted and if I had kept playing I’d be great now!”

Don’t send one like that!

Those complaints might sound stupid, but they tend to point to something bigger. Likely, checked out parents.

Eh, it likely points to a young adult during the height of the navel gazing phase - write the letter if you must, DON’T ever send it, look back on it in 10-15 years (preferably when you’ve had many years of parenting your own kids under your belt), cringe, and then burn it.

Based on your attitude, I would just keep you at arm’s length or cut ties.

Well, I speak from experience as the child who went through a phase of judging my parents incredibly harshly and wanting to blame them for everything - then I grew up. Sure they’re not perfect, but they were doing the best they could.

I sent such and email, parents haven’t really acknowledged or changed, grew up and now am worried about my kids and how my parents will treat them. So because they never worked on anything we will probably just move far away. This is what you risk OP.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d run it by a friend first maybe. I knew someone who did this (and earnestly thought he was confronting about mistreatment) but the content was “all my friends got to go to Europe but you never took me to Europe!” And “you shouldn’t have let me quit piano when I wanted and if I had kept playing I’d be great now!”

Don’t send one like that!

Those complaints might sound stupid, but they tend to point to something bigger. Likely, checked out parents.

Are you kidding? Complaining about not getting to go to Europe as a child? Gtfo.

It’s an important rite of passage for many.

+1

So if you can’t afford it you can expect a letter complaining that you legitimately “traumatized” them? Wtf!

I hope this is a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d run it by a friend first maybe. I knew someone who did this (and earnestly thought he was confronting about mistreatment) but the content was “all my friends got to go to Europe but you never took me to Europe!” And “you shouldn’t have let me quit piano when I wanted and if I had kept playing I’d be great now!”

Don’t send one like that!

Those complaints might sound stupid, but they tend to point to something bigger. Likely, checked out parents.

Eh, it likely points to a young adult during the height of the navel gazing phase - write the letter if you must, DON’T ever send it, look back on it in 10-15 years (preferably when you’ve had many years of parenting your own kids under your belt), cringe, and then burn it.

I remember coming home from college and complaining to my parents that they let me quit the piano. My mother was highly amused and highly annoyed. She said, "I gave you the lessons for years and the opportunity to perform in hopes that it would spark some enjoyment. It didn't. How long did you want me to fight you over the piano?" I couldn't help but laugh at myself right then and there. I hated piano lessons.

+1

Plus, think about it from the opposite perspective. How many tiger parents force their kids to continue with the instrument then the kids get mad about THAT as adults (with more validity imho)?

You really can’t win as a parent.

For our kids, we let them choose activities and pay for expensive lessons but purposely keep the pressure very low. It’s something fun they’re doing to learn a new skill, that’s it. Zero experience Tatiana about the future. If they want to quit, I’m not going to force them to continue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d run it by a friend first maybe. I knew someone who did this (and earnestly thought he was confronting about mistreatment) but the content was “all my friends got to go to Europe but you never took me to Europe!” And “you shouldn’t have let me quit piano when I wanted and if I had kept playing I’d be great now!”

Don’t send one like that!

Those complaints might sound stupid, but they tend to point to something bigger. Likely, checked out parents.

Are you kidding? Complaining about not getting to go to Europe as a child? Gtfo.

It’s an important rite of passage for many.

+1

So if you can’t afford it you can expect a letter complaining that you legitimately “traumatized” them? Wtf!

I hope this is a troll.

They won’t complain if you compensate them in other ways.

[Anonymous]

To get back on track, I would be reluctant to send my parents a letter like this (even though I was legitimately traumatized by both physical and emotional abuse as a child, as well deeply impacted by my parents' refusal to treat their mental health issues) because I am skeptical that my parents have the capacity to take responsibility for any of this. They clearly prefer to live in the lie that they merely parented in the manner that was common at the time. They write the physical abuse off as corporal punishment (even though it was often committed in anger) and deny the emotional abuse altogether (my mom has often said things like "I don't remember it that way" or "I think you were just a sensitive child" when bringing up things like being berated and made fun of by my parents as a young child).

So I think the first question to ask before sending a letter like that is "What do you hope to accomplish?" In my case, it would likely hurt my mother deeply and make my father very angry. We would then have multiple very emotionally fraught confrontations about it, and the end result may or may not include an apology, but I feel confident it wouldn't satisfy me in any way because it would be accompanied by both many excuses and lots of recriminations ("you were a difficult child, you didn't listen, you forced our hand, etc."). The confrontation would just re-raise all this trauma for me.

I have obtained a lot more closure simply by going to therapy, reading about emotional trauma in childhood, connecting with other survivors, and journaling and processing my own feelings. I've reached a point where I can see the trauma and acknowledge how it still impacts me today, but my first response is love and understanding for myself, instead of hurt and sadness (or worse, guilt and self-loathing, which is what I felt for many years). I would recommend looking for answers outside of your relationship with your parents. If they abused you, they are likely limited emotionally (hurt people hurt people) and may not have the capacity for helping you resolve this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d run it by a friend first maybe. I knew someone who did this (and earnestly thought he was confronting about mistreatment) but the content was “all my friends got to go to Europe but you never took me to Europe!” And “you shouldn’t have let me quit piano when I wanted and if I had kept playing I’d be great now!”

Don’t send one like that!

Those complaints might sound stupid, but they tend to point to something bigger. Likely, checked out parents.

Are you kidding? Complaining about not getting to go to Europe as a child? Gtfo.

It’s an important rite of passage for many.

+1

MANY? Hahaha yeah okay. Talk about perspective.

[Anonymous]

Two kinds of people here and in life, the kinds that have empathy for this because they understand what trauma in childhood is because they have lived it, and those that had pretty good childhoods but were mad at their parents for normal stuff and therefore believe that letters like this are silly and whiny.

As other people have said, write it, don't send it. If your parents were bad enough to justify a letter from the first group of people above, than they will not react how you want them to and it will just drag out your pain. Instead put strong boundaries in place and live your life well in spite of them and seek out a therapist so you are not held down by the weight of these events.

And if you're in the second group you shouldn't send it for obvious reasons.