How would you feel if your adult child wrote you a letter about their traumas from childhood?

[Anonymous]

Getting a letter like this from 25 year old child? Would you be mad? Introspective? Prefer it to a conversation confronting your abuse?

[Anonymous]

I have done similar myself, although not proud of it. I did it in an email because my parents time and time again have proven to not be capable of listening. They have always belittled my opinions, beliefs, decisions. One time when I was mad I wrote it in an email. This was after I had said I wanted to talk with a family therapist together, which never happened.

[Anonymous]

I would feel bad but try to be compassionate. Sometimes it's easier for people to process/express themselves on paper. Actually, I would appreciate the opportunity to process its contents away from them first. I've read that it's important to try to be empathetic and not explain yourself, only apologize that you weren't the parent that they had wanted you to be and validate their experience. That was their lens/experience even if it doesn't square with how you remember things, your intent, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Getting a letter like this from 25 year old child? Would you be mad? Introspective? Prefer it to a conversation confronting your abuse?

I think it’s pretty normal to be mad and feel defensive. But I would hope to shortly become introspective and really think about what they are saying. When calmer, I’d want to talk because nothing will be resolved why what’s writing down, you need to converse.

[Anonymous]

I've thought about doing this as a child about sexual abuse, but haven't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Getting a letter like this from 25 year old child? Would you be mad? Introspective? Prefer it to a conversation confronting your abuse?

I would need to digest it before answering. Are you the adult child?

[Anonymous]

This is a very typical age where past traumas present themselves and repressed memories come to light.

I can’t even with the negative comments.

[Anonymous]

Choose your own preferred method. They’ll gaslight you regardless.

https://www.rejectedparents.net/forums/topic/im-curious/

[Anonymous]

It would depend on what they are describing in the letter. If their issue with me stems from me not hugging them enough or I would speak to them plainly that maybe they weren't pretty enough to be a model and they should focus on school rather than their looks to get them through life I would be ashamed that I raised my child with no insight into how easy their life is and I would tell them to buck up and if they had faced actual adversity in their life they would be ashamed to send a letter like that to me.

In my opinion we all have moment or events we remember as children that we feel out parents were not up to snuff and they in that moment were behaving like a bad parent. That is true for all people. Once we become adults its our responsibility to gain perspective and understand that our parents are people with failings and sometimes they will hurt us unintentionally. These feelings are best worked through with a therapist not with a passive aggressive letter to your mother like a hormonal teenager.

However if they are describing actual abuse or neglect I would think differently. For example if I had a horrible drinking problem, were verbally/ physically abusive and you denied them basic parental affection I would try to understand where they are coming from and try to have a face to face conversation with them to air all the grievances that are still standing between us. This is assuming I have worked through my problems and I am mentally prepared to absolve my past sins.

[Anonymous]

I would feel like rolling my eyes... but I would sincerely apologize and say that I truly meant well, and harming then was not my intention.

[Anonymous]

Also, something like this came up when I was in therapy, and I was told that while writing a letter is a great idea, sending it never is. Basically, the fact that you feel the need to write it means that the addressee would never be able to understand where you are coming from, etc.

[Anonymous]

I'd need a while to be shocked, because as far as I know my adult kids don't have any childhood trauma. And then I'd go apologize to them for not having known what was going on, and see how I could help them now.

[Anonymous]

I would take it as an attempt to communicate. Maybe their last attempt to do so before they cut you off completely.

[Anonymous]

I would feel terrible that my kid underwent trauma while living in my household. I would reach out, try to understand and apologize for any of my role in it, not seeing it, not protecting them. I would feel glad they were in therapy (assuming that’s how the letter came about) and finding ways to heal.

[Anonymous]

If the parent was actually abusive, they will deny, rationalize, justify.