Reply to How would you feel if your adult child wrote you a letter about their traumas from childhood?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Getting a letter like this from 25 year old child? Would you be mad? Introspective? Prefer it to a conversation confronting your abuse?[/quote]

Hmm. I'd like to think I'd be introspective about it, especially if it seemed thoughtful and somewhat "balanced" (ie, a little self awareness would make a big difference) and had good, specific points. So like "I feel growing up you were very XXX. I remember this specific incident where Y happened and you reacted in ABC way, and I think that was abusive. There was a similar time when you did Z in response to something and that was really unacceptable" would get much more introspection from me than just "you were abusive in my childhood and I hate you" unless I had already accepted the fact that I was abusive.

I will say I would STRONGLY prefer a letter to a confrontation, because then I could process on my own and respond in a healthy, productive way. It's hard to manage big feelings in a conversation.

Now, I just have a one year old and I'm confident I'm not an abuser, and who knows how I would ACTUALLY feel in this moment, I'm just trying to project. I also think I'm a well balanced, thoughtful individual who takes my kid's needs seriously, which I think means both that I'm less likely to become an abuser, and likely to take a letter well. But by definition, you're talking about sending this to an abuser (or at least a former abuser) who I would guess is significantly less emotionally healthy. So how your parent specifically would react, that's impossible to say.

So I guess I would end with my recommendation - which is that if you're considering sending such a letter, it might make sense to meet with a therapist and have a few sessions to talk through what you're doing and what you're trying to accomplish, and to have support during the aftermath (whatever it might be). [/quote]

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