Wife Spending Money

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have spent over 10k on hardwoods floors in the two bedrooms, painting the condo, and furnishing the condo. We will likely spend another 5k for the baby. That’s on top of paying a large down payment on a $600k condo. We will only be in the condo for maybe 5 years and the changes she will make are purely cosmetic and will not add any value to the condo.

You don't need 5K for the baby but I agree that the condo should be updated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes. I was married to someone like you, OP - we *could* afford the things that were important to me, but he didn’t see the value in them and either said no or argued with me every step of the way. It ended in divorce.

Her values and wants are just as important as yours. If you can afford it and it makes her happy, let it go. Work with her to help her vision come true. If you always place your priorities above hers, it’s not going to end well for you.

OP here. She gets everything she wants. I never tell her she can’t get anything she wants. This is really the only time. We found two condos we liked and we went with her choice. I was happy with both but she wanted this one because it had an elevator. I didn’t care about the carpet she did. I didn’t mind the gray paint but she wanted a lighter gray so we painted. She is changing this condo to the other one. Same hardware, same light fixtures, and same backsplash. We could have gone with the other one instead of doing all of this.

Team Wife. She sounds smart. With a baby on the way, of course you get the condo with an elevator and then adjust it to look the way you want.

You sound very controlling. I can understand if you can’t afford it, or if you want a different backsplash, but you’re just nitpicking. A nice home that is exactly the way you want it a joy to live in. You need to figure out why you think you are right all the time, and why you have trouble seeing things from others’ perspectives. Otherwise co-parenting is going to be very difficult for you.

In 20 years, do you want to look back on this time and feel resentment about the backsplash, or remember the joy you felt building your first home and having your first child together? Your time as a family goes by SO fast. You’re going to blink and that baby will be leaving for college. Don’t make this a contentious time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the second time in as many days that I think I have been on DCUM way too long. Are you guys the same couple that was moving to Chicago or somewhere in the midwest? I remember that thread where there were two condos under consideration and I think the DW wanted the elevator and the DH wanted the unit with the patio.

I need to disconnect from this site!

haha! I had the same thought.

[Anonymous]

Ten years later, I regret not making those sorts of changes your wife is doing now. It matters for those digital pictures (baby, friends, family) taken at home instead of going out to restaurants, classes and events($$$). It matters to avoid hiring a professional photographer ($). It matters to the necessary mommy-friends who end up pooling resources for babysitting istead of more hours with childcare ($). I think your wife is on the right track. Looking back, I should have treated some basic decorating more seriously for myself and the (sometimes narcissistic) expectations of society in greater DC area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes. I was married to someone like you, OP - we *could* afford the things that were important to me, but he didn’t see the value in them and either said no or argued with me every step of the way. It ended in divorce.

Her values and wants are just as important as yours. If you can afford it and it makes her happy, let it go. Work with her to help her vision come true. If you always place your priorities above hers, it’s not going to end well for you.

OP here. She gets everything she wants. I never tell her she can’t get anything she wants. This is really the only time. We found two condos we liked and we went with her choice. I was happy with both but she wanted this one because it had an elevator. I didn’t care about the carpet she did. I didn’t mind the gray paint but she wanted a lighter gray so we painted. She is changing this condo to the other one. Same hardware, same light fixtures, and same backsplash. We could have gone with the other one instead of doing all of this.

Team Wife. She sounds smart. With a baby on the way, of course you get the condo with an elevator and then adjust it to look the way you want.

You sound very controlling. I can understand if you can’t afford it, or if you want a different backsplash, but you’re just nitpicking. A nice home that is exactly the way you want it a joy to live in. You need to figure out why you think you are right all the time, and why you have trouble seeing things from others’ perspectives. Otherwise co-parenting is going to be very difficult for you.

In 20 years, do you want to look back on this time and feel resentment about the backsplash, or remember the joy you felt building your first home and having your first child together? Your time as a family goes by SO fast. You’re going to blink and that baby will be leaving for college. Don’t make this a contentious time.

Another for Team Wife! I can't even imagine having stairs with a new baby and stroller. And let her do that backsplash for crying out loud, it's not a gut job. You have the money. This is not major work. You are very controlling.

[Anonymous]

My husband wishes he had your wife.
He makes plenty of money, and I know that he wants me to make the house look nice, but I just cannot care about the backsplash or the color of the walls. I'm a little jealous of how easily this comes to other women.

[Anonymous]

If you have the money, I don’t understand putting your foot down on this issue. Seriously, every time she opens a drawer in the kitchen, she’ll see the hardware she hates, and think of you. Is that really the emotional connection you want to create in her? For something that probably costs a few hundred dollars?

[Anonymous]

Team Wife. You're complaining about some hardware and fixtures? Really? If you were complaining about the floors maybe I would get it. But that's already done, and these are minor expenses. A backsplash can be DYIed very cheaply too, you don't need much skill for that. Is this really the hill you want to die on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband wishes he had your wife.
He makes plenty of money, and I know that he wants me to make the house look nice, but I just cannot care about the backsplash or the color of the walls. I'm a little jealous of how easily this comes to other women.

I hired a designer to help me pull things together. It wasn’t that expensive in the grand scheme of things, and turned out to be well worth it in my opinion. She worked with the pieces we had, made suggestions of reasonably-priced additions, had a great sense of color and just made a big difference in the end. Just a thought!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband wishes he had your wife.
He makes plenty of money, and I know that he wants me to make the house look nice, but I just cannot care about the backsplash or the color of the walls. I'm a little jealous of how easily this comes to other women.

I hired a designer to help me pull things together. It wasn’t that expensive in the grand scheme of things, and turned out to be well worth it in my opinion. She worked with the pieces we had, made suggestions of reasonably-priced additions, had a great sense of color and just made a big difference in the end. Just a thought!

Thank you. I should do something like that.

[Anonymous]

You need to make budget. I would suggest a line item for updates to the house and one for repairs. If she stays within the budget, your good. I m sure there are things you purchase that she doesn’t think needed. A piece of advice, learn to paint. A $50 can of paint turns into $500 in labor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband wishes he had your wife.
He makes plenty of money, and I know that he wants me to make the house look nice, but I just cannot care about the backsplash or the color of the walls. I'm a little jealous of how easily this comes to other women.

He should hire a decorator! There is a whole industry of professionals waiting to help him!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH above. What are your two incomes, how much did you put down, how much are you saving for retirement each month, what’s the balance in there now? And what’s the childcare plan?

OP here. We are finically stable and have the money to spend. I just don’t think it’s necessary to spend that money on something that won’t add any value to the condo.

That's a tough position to take, OP.

My husband has said something similar about taking a trip to Paris. I want to go. He doesn't think it's worth the money. It's not that he wants to spend the money on other things, or that it isn't in the budget. If it were that, then I could pick up additional shifts at work, ask for a raise, cut expenses other places, etc., and put together the money for the trip. He has the same issue that you do. He just doesn't think it's "worth it," and never will. We have the money, but no matter how much money we have, he won't ever think it makes sense to spend it on a trip to Paris.

You should go with a friend. If he doesn't care for it then it's really not worth it to him. Doesn't mean you can't save and enjoy it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I will being up the budget topic. We have never put a budget on things because we both barely spend any money on things outside of our normal spending habits.

This is your problem. That was fine pre-kids and pre-house, but that's not where you are in life anymore. You need a budget. I recommend mint.com, but whatever works for you guys is cool. You need a line item for kid stuff, childcare, and house maintenance at a minimum. If you are in the DC area, childcare is insanely expensive - we're downtown and figured we could get daycare for 1500-1800 a month, when in reality the dirt floor cheapest was 2250. Figure out your budget, then let her go wild with the house budget, whatever it ends up being.

You might want to split the house category into two things - maintenance vs. decor/improvements so that you have money set aside for inevitable issues that crop up.

[Anonymous]

5k baby registry? Adopt me?