I'm upset; soon-to-be vacationing husband

[Anonymous]

Masks aren't magic. Is he wearing a respirator, or just a mask? I wouldn't spend more than 5 minutes in any room with 20 people without having a respirator on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hear you op. I'd be p.o.d, too. To those who said she should've set that expectation: a husband should not have to be told to be considerate. It's the fact that, knowing he will be on a mini-vacation the next week while his wife looks after the kids alone, he couldn't be bothered to put the effort into looking after the kids the day before he leaves for vacation, and also miss out on a family event that the kids were looking forward to.

IMO, much of the resentment wives have against husbands would disappear if the husbands put some thought and effort into being a good husband and parent. Why does a grown man have to be told to be a bit more considerate and thoughtful of his wife when it comes to being a partner in the home?

I’m PP who mentions that I set specific schedules with my husband.

Yes, I agree that it would be great if he was more considerate, but unfortunately that just isn’t the case. So instead of me stewing, being resentful and irritated by his lack of consideration, I am crystal clear in expectations re: household schedule, cleaning that should be done over the weekend (hey, I’m going to vacuum and clear the sink, can you please clean the bathroom and help the kids pick up the playroom) - yep that specific. We have a nanny M-F, so I just extend the time and expectation setting discussions that I have with her now also to my husband.

Would it be great if he would manage this on his own? Yes definitely. But it’s even better not to get divorced because I spent the bulk of our marriage resentful. It helps that he is extremely receptive to this approach (it did not start that way). I guess he figures this is better than having an angry wife all of the time lol.

+1. This is how I approach it with my husband too. Yes, it would be great if he'd like just see a dirty floor and pick up a damn broom. But he doesn't. So instead of me stewing about why he didn't sweep I just ask him to sweep. Then he sweeps. No fighting over it and not a moment missed in anger. Just ask for what you want and be clear in your communication. I also discuss ahead of time expectations for other things too so we both aren't left mad or hurt. It has worked well for our marriage. Not everyone is exactly like you, so you need to communicate.

What if the wife decided to just be clueless, too, and depend on the husband to communicate what needs doing. How many households run this way, I wonder?

I've been married for 20 years, and if my husband was clueless and inconsiderate most of the time, I don't think our marriage would have lasted.

I think it sucks that women have to not only work, and do most of the housechores, childcare, but also have to "communicate" to the husband how to be a better and more considerate partner and parent, and of course, be expected to have sex with her husband *at least* a few times a week, per most men. We have to manage our husbands as well as the children, it seems.

I'm referring to OP's situation, not just picking up your dirty socks, btw.

Of course, you set expectations about house chores and what not, but do you set that expectation everyday, or is this just a general, "I expect you to clean if I cook, and do the laundry every week".. kind of thing, or are you talking detailed expectations like I have to do with my kids?

If it is detailed, that's kind of sad. Your husband is like a child in this way. My kid can't see all the dirty dishes on the counter that needs to be put away, so I have to tell the kids to do it. If I had to manage my husband to that level of detail, I would not be able to see him as a man, but as another child I have to manage.

In OP's case, he knew he was not going to see his kids for several days, and that they had a special day planned, but he could care less and decided to sleep in, and expected.. what? That his wife would come wake him when it was time? Geez.. I have higher expectations of my 15 yr old DS.

[Anonymous]

A rapid test is pretty worthless unless he has symptoms. Get a PCR on day 5 or 6 w/ a quick turnaround

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hear you op. I'd be p.o.d, too. To those who said she should've set that expectation: a husband should not have to be told to be considerate. It's the fact that, knowing he will be on a mini-vacation the next week while his wife looks after the kids alone, he couldn't be bothered to put the effort into looking after the kids the day before he leaves for vacation, and also miss out on a family event that the kids were looking forward to.

IMO, much of the resentment wives have against husbands would disappear if the husbands put some thought and effort into being a good husband and parent. Why does a grown man have to be told to be a bit more considerate and thoughtful of his wife when it comes to being a partner in the home?

I’m PP who mentions that I set specific schedules with my husband.

Yes, I agree that it would be great if he was more considerate, but unfortunately that just isn’t the case. So instead of me stewing, being resentful and irritated by his lack of consideration, I am crystal clear in expectations re: household schedule, cleaning that should be done over the weekend (hey, I’m going to vacuum and clear the sink, can you please clean the bathroom and help the kids pick up the playroom) - yep that specific. We have a nanny M-F, so I just extend the time and expectation setting discussions that I have with her now also to my husband.

Would it be great if he would manage this on his own? Yes definitely. But it’s even better not to get divorced because I spent the bulk of our marriage resentful. It helps that he is extremely receptive to this approach (it did not start that way). I guess he figures this is better than having an angry wife all of the time lol.

+1. This is how I approach it with my husband too. Yes, it would be great if he'd like just see a dirty floor and pick up a damn broom. But he doesn't. So instead of me stewing about why he didn't sweep I just ask him to sweep. Then he sweeps. No fighting over it and not a moment missed in anger. Just ask for what you want and be clear in your communication. I also discuss ahead of time expectations for other things too so we both aren't left mad or hurt. It has worked well for our marriage. Not everyone is exactly like you, so you need to communicate.

What if the wife decided to just be clueless, too, and depend on the husband to communicate what needs doing. How many households run this way, I wonder?

I've been married for 20 years, and if my husband was clueless and inconsiderate most of the time, I don't think our marriage would have lasted.

I think it sucks that women have to not only work, and do most of the housechores, childcare, but also have to "communicate" to the husband how to be a better and more considerate partner and parent, and of course, be expected to have sex with her husband *at least* a few times a week, per most men. We have to manage our husbands as well as the children, it seems.

I'm referring to OP's situation, not just picking up your dirty socks, btw.

Of course, you set expectations about house chores and what not, but do you set that expectation everyday, or is this just a general, "I expect you to clean if I cook, and do the laundry every week".. kind of thing, or are you talking detailed expectations like I have to do with my kids?

If it is detailed, that's kind of sad. Your husband is like a child in this way. My kid can't see all the dirty dishes on the counter that needs to be put away, so I have to tell the kids to do it. If I had to manage my husband to that level of detail, I would not be able to see him as a man, but as another child I have to manage.

In OP's case, he knew he was not going to see his kids for several days, and that they had a special day planned, but he could care less and decided to sleep in, and expected.. what? That his wife would come wake him when it was time? Geez.. I have higher expectations of my 15 yr old DS.

This X 1000.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A week of looking after your kids should not be a chore. How many snd how old?

Seriously. I’ve been watching my grandchildren for weeks at a time, even at the baby stage so their parents can take a vacation and get a break. I love it. How can a parent not take care of their own kids for a week. When my kids were little, my DH traveled and I took care of them alone a lot and worked full time.

Oh honey. Now try having a job outside the house, having social obligations, and do it day on and day out for years. You're cute, though, like grandma for a week before going back to retirement and bridge club is some big deal.

I am not that pp, but honey, you better practice reading comprehension.

Yeah but she didn’t have to do it in a pandemic.

[Anonymous]

He’s going to an indoor wedding in a pandemic— that seems like the larger issue here.

[Anonymous]

Wondering if lazy dad has woken up yet.

[Anonymous]

No one else is wondering why Valentine’s breakfast for them is on the 13th?!?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of the PP's suggesting that OP send the kids in to wake him, my husband would just be angry and probably yell at the kids (all 5 and under.) Is my DH an ass?

Yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one else is wondering why Valentine’s breakfast for them is on the 13th?!?!

Because the dad is leaving for a week later today...

[Anonymous]

He is busy texting with the other woman. He cares little about squeezing in some quality time with the wife & kids before he departs.

[Anonymous]

Man here- my wife did a similar trip two years ago to attend a family wedding and then spend a few days with her parents. Our kids were 3, 5 and 8 at the time and I survived...just barely! I had some help during the day because I work full time but it was an important trip for her so I wasn’t going to moan about it. I know at some point post Covid that I will do a solo trip and she will handle it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A week of looking after your kids should not be a chore. How many snd how old?

I never said it was a chore, but it is labor. As in, if OP and DH can't do it because they work outside the home, they need to PAY for daycare, yes? Do you always dismiss the unpaid labor of SAHPs? Do you always place no value on what often is "women's work"?

Parent is a relationship, not a job.

All relationships take work. I can’t believe someone is seriously suggesting that caring for three young children all by yourself isn’t a chore. At the very least you have to clean up after those who can’t clean after themselves, and what is that? A relationship?

[Anonymous]

This is a little selfish. Not terrible, but we all can tell that he should have handled it differently.

If this type of selfishness if a regular thing, OP needs to talk to her husband about it--in a nice way with the hopes of improving that part of the relationship.

If this is a one-time thing, OP needs to get over it. A marriage is long (if you can keep it), and I'm sure that OP will do things that are small and selfish. Both parties need to let things go, or you will keep score, build resentment, and either be miserable or divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man here- my wife did a similar trip two years ago to attend a family wedding and then spend a few days with her parents. Our kids were 3, 5 and 8 at the time and I survived...just barely! I had some help during the day because I work full time but it was an important trip for her so I wasn’t going to moan about it. I know at some point post Covid that I will do a solo trip and she will handle it.

And so are you looking for brownie points? A round of applause? Father of the Year award for doing something that women around the world have been doing for thousands of years?

and did your wife sleep in and miss a family event with the kids the day before she was going to leave? Cause that's what OP's DH did.

There's this male marriage therapist who said that men think they should get like 500points for just rolling out of bed in the morning. That's what this sounds like.

My husband wanted to go overseas to his cousin's wedding during a time when we were trying to buy a house across the country (in the middle of the process), my project at work was about to go live (which meant I would be working long hours), and with two kids under 5. We had no family around us. I was super stressed out around this time, and he pulled this sh1t on me. Yep, I got mad. And the other reason I was mad about this sitution is because he did not want me to quit my job which I wanted to do so that things at home could be less stressful. He liked his expensive lifestyle too much, which I was helping to support (I made 50% of the HHI).

I went to help my sibling who was going through chemo for a week, but ONLY because DH's parents came to visit, so he was taking the week off and he had his parents to help him. If he had a project going live that week, I would not have even thought to leave him with the kids alone.

IMO, women are more considerate of their partners and think about the family's needs more than men do. And that is why women are resentful.

I don't have a martyer syndrome. I just want a partner who is considerate of me and the kids as much as I try to be considerate of him and his needs and those of our kids.

PS.. DH ended up not going to the wedding, and this cousin got divorced after a year of marriage.

PPS.. We had a come to Jesus moment there, and DH never pulled that kind of sh1t ever again. Now happily married 15 yrs later, and still bringing home half the income, which will allow us to both retire early, which DH has always wanted to do. You're welcome, DH.