I'm upset; soon-to-be vacationing husband

[Anonymous]

OK, so it's not a resort vacation, but...

DH leaves after lunch today to go stay (masked) at his parents' house to attend his cousin's wedding tomorrow (20 people, masked, distanced, and he's skipping the dinner afterward).

He will then stay at his parents house for a few days; then, he moves into our basement fr a few days, and will get a rapid test.

That's almost a week of me watching the kids, solo. He leaves today. It is now 9 a.m., and he has yet to emerge from bed. Ice been up with the kids since 7:30, and finally served them Valentine's breakfast, as they wer hungry at 8:30. We were supposed to eat together for V-Day. They are waiting for ther cards and small gifts.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you needed to set some expectations last night that he should set the alarm and do all that since you’re going to be on duty for a week.

We all learn this lesson the hard way but make sure your “lesson” doesn’t end up being “how to be a resentful martyr.”

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you guys need to establish some better communication channels. I’m not saying that to be rude, but had you discussed ahead of time , you all would have enjoyed a family breakfast today.

Are you a SAHM?

[Anonymous]

What has worked for my husband and I is to set a clear schedule: “since you’re leaving and will be gone for a week, please make sure that you wake up with the kids and spend 1:1 time with them before leaving. I will come down at 9am. Next Saturday, I am going to take a break from morning until 1pm to decompress from the stressful week of you being gone with your family. Please plan to wake up with them, and spend 1:1 time with them until 1pm.”

You need to be explicit and Black and White on what you want / need (this has been the best approach for me. If I let my husband ‘decide’ the schedule, I always get ‘the shaft’).

[Anonymous]

A week of looking after your kids should not be a chore. How many snd how old?

[Anonymous]

Make sure that later in you plan a trip for yourself solo, and make clear that breakfast for the kids the morning you leave is his job.

DH did something similar to me. I thought it was clear how much time he would be gone, but he extended it without consulting with me, thinking I would be okay with it. It ticked me off. But he apologized and eventually I got over it. I had to recalibrate how responsible I was for the kids. I now assume that he will take over when I decide to take off.

[Anonymous]

Send the kids up to wake him up! Don’t sit and stew!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A week of looking after your kids should not be a chore. How many snd how old?

I never said it was a chore, but it is labor. As in, if OP and DH can't do it because they work outside the home, they need to PAY for daycare, yes? Do you always dismiss the unpaid labor of SAHPs? Do you always place no value on what often is "women's work"?

[Anonymous]

I hear you op. I'd be p.o.d, too. To those who said she should've set that expectation: a husband should not have to be told to be considerate. It's the fact that, knowing he will be on a mini-vacation the next week while his wife looks after the kids alone, he couldn't be bothered to put the effort into looking after the kids the day before he leaves for vacation, and also miss out on a family event that the kids were looking forward to.

IMO, much of the resentment wives have against husbands would disappear if the husbands put some thought and effort into being a good husband and parent. Why does a grown man have to be told to be a bit more considerate and thoughtful of his wife when it comes to being a partner in the home?

[Anonymous]

Why did you agree to this if you didn’t want to have the kids for a week by yourself? And why didn’t you talk to him last night about the plan for this morning? I get that it sucks, but did you speak up about any of this or just sit back and let it unfold?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hear you op. I'd be p.o.d, too. To those who said she should've set that expectation: a husband should not have to be told to be considerate. It's the fact that, knowing he will be on a mini-vacation the next week while his wife looks after the kids alone, he couldn't be bothered to put the effort into looking after the kids the day before he leaves for vacation, and also miss out on a family event that the kids were looking forward to.

IMO, much of the resentment wives have against husbands would disappear if the husbands put some thought and effort into being a good husband and parent. Why does a grown man have to be told to be a bit more considerate and thoughtful of his wife when it comes to being a partner in the home?

This is so true. Why should a grown man have to be told to get up to have the planned-upon special Valentine’s breakfast with his wife and kids? I get that it’s necessary in some households but it really shouldn’t be. Regardless of gender, for what it’s worth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hear you op. I'd be p.o.d, too. To those who said she should've set that expectation: a husband should not have to be told to be considerate. It's the fact that, knowing he will be on a mini-vacation the next week while his wife looks after the kids alone, he couldn't be bothered to put the effort into looking after the kids the day before he leaves for vacation, and also miss out on a family event that the kids were looking forward to.

IMO, much of the resentment wives have against husbands would disappear if the husbands put some thought and effort into being a good husband and parent. Why does a grown man have to be told to be a bit more considerate and thoughtful of his wife when it comes to being a partner in the home?

. Sure, but some do need to be told. Sounds like OP’s husband is one of those. We all have different thresholds of what behaviors we accept and what behaviors are a deal breaker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hear you op. I'd be p.o.d, too. To those who said she should've set that expectation: a husband should not have to be told to be considerate. It's the fact that, knowing he will be on a mini-vacation the next week while his wife looks after the kids alone, he couldn't be bothered to put the effort into looking after the kids the day before he leaves for vacation, and also miss out on a family event that the kids were looking forward to.

IMO, much of the resentment wives have against husbands would disappear if the husbands put some thought and effort into being a good husband and parent. Why does a grown man have to be told to be a bit more considerate and thoughtful of his wife when it comes to being a partner in the home?

I’m PP who mentions that I set specific schedules with my husband.

Yes, I agree that it would be great if he was more considerate, but unfortunately that just isn’t the case. So instead of me stewing, being resentful and irritated by his lack of consideration, I am crystal clear in expectations re: household schedule, cleaning that should be done over the weekend (hey, I’m going to vacuum and clear the sink, can you please clean the bathroom and help the kids pick up the playroom) - yep that specific. We have a nanny M-F, so I just extend the time and expectation setting discussions that I have with her now also to my husband.

Would it be great if he would manage this on his own? Yes definitely. But it’s even better not to get divorced because I spent the bulk of our marriage resentful. It helps that he is extremely receptive to this approach (it did not start that way). I guess he figures this is better than having an angry wife all of the time lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hear you op. I'd be p.o.d, too. To those who said she should've set that expectation: a husband should not have to be told to be considerate. It's the fact that, knowing he will be on a mini-vacation the next week while his wife looks after the kids alone, he couldn't be bothered to put the effort into looking after the kids the day before he leaves for vacation, and also miss out on a family event that the kids were looking forward to.

IMO, much of the resentment wives have against husbands would disappear if the husbands put some thought and effort into being a good husband and parent. Why does a grown man have to be told to be a bit more considerate and thoughtful of his wife when it comes to being a partner in the home?

I’m PP who mentions that I set specific schedules with my husband.

Yes, I agree that it would be great if he was more considerate, but unfortunately that just isn’t the case. So instead of me stewing, being resentful and irritated by his lack of consideration, I am crystal clear in expectations re: household schedule, cleaning that should be done over the weekend (hey, I’m going to vacuum and clear the sink, can you please clean the bathroom and help the kids pick up the playroom) - yep that specific. We have a nanny M-F, so I just extend the time and expectation setting discussions that I have with her now also to my husband.

Would it be great if he would manage this on his own? Yes definitely. But it’s even better not to get divorced because I spent the bulk of our marriage resentful. It helps that he is extremely receptive to this approach (it did not start that way). I guess he figures this is better than having an angry wife all of the time lol.

I don’t think PP was giving advice, she was just validating OPs feelings.

[Anonymous]

OP here. We DID talk about Valentine's breakfast together. He knew we were doing a special breakfast, and giving cards and presents. I didn't decide that on my own. He knew we were all awake, too. He knows our kids get up at 7:30, he knows they will ant breakfast within an hour.