I'm upset; soon-to-be vacationing husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hear you op. I'd be p.o.d, too. To those who said she should've set that expectation: a husband should not have to be told to be considerate. It's the fact that, knowing he will be on a mini-vacation the next week while his wife looks after the kids alone, he couldn't be bothered to put the effort into looking after the kids the day before he leaves for vacation, and also miss out on a family event that the kids were looking forward to.

IMO, much of the resentment wives have against husbands would disappear if the husbands put some thought and effort into being a good husband and parent. Why does a grown man have to be told to be a bit more considerate and thoughtful of his wife when it comes to being a partner in the home?

You being completely right, on every point, won't make a single marriage better. Secret expectations that other people will be "considerate," by your definition of considerate, won't either.

I agree OP's husband would have been a much better husband if he had jumped to all of this without being told. But OP continuing to expect that, when he clearly does not have that expectation of himself, is not going to help her marriage one lick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hear you op. I'd be p.o.d, too. To those who said she should've set that expectation: a husband should not have to be told to be considerate. It's the fact that, knowing he will be on a mini-vacation the next week while his wife looks after the kids alone, he couldn't be bothered to put the effort into looking after the kids the day before he leaves for vacation, and also miss out on a family event that the kids were looking forward to.

IMO, much of the resentment wives have against husbands would disappear if the husbands put some thought and effort into being a good husband and parent. Why does a grown man have to be told to be a bit more considerate and thoughtful of his wife when it comes to being a partner in the home?

I’m PP who mentions that I set specific schedules with my husband.

Yes, I agree that it would be great if he was more considerate, but unfortunately that just isn’t the case. So instead of me stewing, being resentful and irritated by his lack of consideration, I am crystal clear in expectations re: household schedule, cleaning that should be done over the weekend (hey, I’m going to vacuum and clear the sink, can you please clean the bathroom and help the kids pick up the playroom) - yep that specific. We have a nanny M-F, so I just extend the time and expectation setting discussions that I have with her now also to my husband.

Would it be great if he would manage this on his own? Yes definitely. But it’s even better not to get divorced because I spent the bulk of our marriage resentful. It helps that he is extremely receptive to this approach (it did not start that way). I guess he figures this is better than having an angry wife all of the time lol.

OP here. WOW. I literally said "I'm upset." How you leapt to getting a divorce from that is far beyond me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We DID talk about Valentine's breakfast together. He knew we were doing a special breakfast, and giving cards and presents. I didn't decide that on my own. He knew we were all awake, too. He knows our kids get up at 7:30, he knows they will ant breakfast within an hour.

Did anyone go wake him and tell him what time it is? When did that happen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We DID talk about Valentine's breakfast together. He knew we were doing a special breakfast, and giving cards and presents. I didn't decide that on my own. He knew we were all awake, too. He knows our kids get up at 7:30, he knows they will ant breakfast within an hour.

I know posters are going to say you should have told him that you expected him to be at the breakfast and up for the kids, but for what it’s worth, you really shouldn’t have to tell him that and you have every right to be upset. The problem isn’t your expectations, it is his lack of consideration in this instance. I don’t know what the solution is, but still.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hear you op. I'd be p.o.d, too. To those who said she should've set that expectation: a husband should not have to be told to be considerate. It's the fact that, knowing he will be on a mini-vacation the next week while his wife looks after the kids alone, he couldn't be bothered to put the effort into looking after the kids the day before he leaves for vacation, and also miss out on a family event that the kids were looking forward to.

IMO, much of the resentment wives have against husbands would disappear if the husbands put some thought and effort into being a good husband and parent. Why does a grown man have to be told to be a bit more considerate and thoughtful of his wife when it comes to being a partner in the home?

I’m PP who mentions that I set specific schedules with my husband.

Yes, I agree that it would be great if he was more considerate, but unfortunately that just isn’t the case. So instead of me stewing, being resentful and irritated by his lack of consideration, I am crystal clear in expectations re: household schedule, cleaning that should be done over the weekend (hey, I’m going to vacuum and clear the sink, can you please clean the bathroom and help the kids pick up the playroom) - yep that specific. We have a nanny M-F, so I just extend the time and expectation setting discussions that I have with her now also to my husband.

Would it be great if he would manage this on his own? Yes definitely. But it’s even better not to get divorced because I spent the bulk of our marriage resentful. It helps that he is extremely receptive to this approach (it did not start that way). I guess he figures this is better than having an angry wife all of the time lol.

OP here. WOW. I literally said "I'm upset." How you leapt to getting a divorce from that is far beyond me.

DP but, OP, you don't even see that you're on the path to divorce by nursing your feelings of upset and resentment like this. That's where this goes. Resentment gives way to contempt which then ends in divorce.

[Anonymous]

Well, that is how you end up killing a bunch of people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hear you op. I'd be p.o.d, too. To those who said she should've set that expectation: a husband should not have to be told to be considerate. It's the fact that, knowing he will be on a mini-vacation the next week while his wife looks after the kids alone, he couldn't be bothered to put the effort into looking after the kids the day before he leaves for vacation, and also miss out on a family event that the kids were looking forward to.

IMO, much of the resentment wives have against husbands would disappear if the husbands put some thought and effort into being a good husband and parent. Why does a grown man have to be told to be a bit more considerate and thoughtful of his wife when it comes to being a partner in the home?

I’m PP who mentions that I set specific schedules with my husband.

Yes, I agree that it would be great if he was more considerate, but unfortunately that just isn’t the case. So instead of me stewing, being resentful and irritated by his lack of consideration, I am crystal clear in expectations re: household schedule, cleaning that should be done over the weekend (hey, I’m going to vacuum and clear the sink, can you please clean the bathroom and help the kids pick up the playroom) - yep that specific. We have a nanny M-F, so I just extend the time and expectation setting discussions that I have with her now also to my husband.

Would it be great if he would manage this on his own? Yes definitely. But it’s even better not to get divorced because I spent the bulk of our marriage resentful. It helps that he is extremely receptive to this approach (it did not start that way). I guess he figures this is better than having an angry wife all of the time lol.

OP here. WOW. I literally said "I'm upset." How you leapt to getting a divorce from that is far beyond me.

DP but, OP, you don't even see that you're on the path to divorce by nursing your feelings of upset and resentment like this. That's where this goes. Resentment gives way to contempt which then ends in divorce.

No...dust-ups happen. And then you work through it and get over it. The fact that you think one instance of being upset = path to divorce speaks VOLUMES about the strength of your marriage, and no one else's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We DID talk about Valentine's breakfast together. He knew we were doing a special breakfast, and giving cards and presents. I didn't decide that on my own. He knew we were all awake, too. He knows our kids get up at 7:30, he knows they will ant breakfast within an hour.

Did anyone go wake him and tell him what time it is? When did that happen?

Exactly.y Is this a normal thing for him. I would have woken him up as I was getting out of bed or sent the kids in to wake him up for Valentine's day. And if this was unusual I would be concerned if he was feeling well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hear you op. I'd be p.o.d, too. To those who said she should've set that expectation: a husband should not have to be told to be considerate. It's the fact that, knowing he will be on a mini-vacation the next week while his wife looks after the kids alone, he couldn't be bothered to put the effort into looking after the kids the day before he leaves for vacation, and also miss out on a family event that the kids were looking forward to.

IMO, much of the resentment wives have against husbands would disappear if the husbands put some thought and effort into being a good husband and parent. Why does a grown man have to be told to be a bit more considerate and thoughtful of his wife when it comes to being a partner in the home?

I’m PP who mentions that I set specific schedules with my husband.

Yes, I agree that it would be great if he was more considerate, but unfortunately that just isn’t the case. So instead of me stewing, being resentful and irritated by his lack of consideration, I am crystal clear in expectations re: household schedule, cleaning that should be done over the weekend (hey, I’m going to vacuum and clear the sink, can you please clean the bathroom and help the kids pick up the playroom) - yep that specific. We have a nanny M-F, so I just extend the time and expectation setting discussions that I have with her now also to my husband.

Would it be great if he would manage this on his own? Yes definitely. But it’s even better not to get divorced because I spent the bulk of our marriage resentful. It helps that he is extremely receptive to this approach (it did not start that way). I guess he figures this is better than having an angry wife all of the time lol.

OP here. WOW. I literally said "I'm upset." How you leapt to getting a divorce from that is far beyond me.

DP but, OP, you don't even see that you're on the path to divorce by nursing your feelings of upset and resentment like this. That's where this goes. Resentment gives way to contempt which then ends in divorce.

No...dust-ups happen. And then you work through it and get over it. The fact that you think one instance of being upset = path to divorce speaks VOLUMES about the strength of your marriage, and no one else's.

I'm deep into a long happy marriage, but I am surrounded by divorces. As you get older, you'll see that I'm right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We DID talk about Valentine's breakfast together. He knew we were doing a special breakfast, and giving cards and presents. I didn't decide that on my own. He knew we were all awake, too. He knows our kids get up at 7:30, he knows they will ant breakfast within an hour.

Did anyone go wake him and tell him what time it is? When did that happen?

Yes. Why didn't' you wake him up or better yet send the kids in.

Dealing in the should haves is useless. Deal with the situation in front of you. He's not up at 8:30 for the special breakfast "Go wake up daddy kids!"

But really, it sounds like you're resentful you did not get your way about him staying home instead of going to the wedding and want to punish him and have a fight before he goes to teach him a lesson.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hear you op. I'd be p.o.d, too. To those who said she should've set that expectation: a husband should not have to be told to be considerate. It's the fact that, knowing he will be on a mini-vacation the next week while his wife looks after the kids alone, he couldn't be bothered to put the effort into looking after the kids the day before he leaves for vacation, and also miss out on a family event that the kids were looking forward to.

IMO, much of the resentment wives have against husbands would disappear if the husbands put some thought and effort into being a good husband and parent. Why does a grown man have to be told to be a bit more considerate and thoughtful of his wife when it comes to being a partner in the home?

I’m PP who mentions that I set specific schedules with my husband.

Yes, I agree that it would be great if he was more considerate, but unfortunately that just isn’t the case. So instead of me stewing, being resentful and irritated by his lack of consideration, I am crystal clear in expectations re: household schedule, cleaning that should be done over the weekend (hey, I’m going to vacuum and clear the sink, can you please clean the bathroom and help the kids pick up the playroom) - yep that specific. We have a nanny M-F, so I just extend the time and expectation setting discussions that I have with her now also to my husband.

Would it be great if he would manage this on his own? Yes definitely. But it’s even better not to get divorced because I spent the bulk of our marriage resentful. It helps that he is extremely receptive to this approach (it did not start that way). I guess he figures this is better than having an angry wife all of the time lol.

OP here. WOW. I literally said "I'm upset." How you leapt to getting a divorce from that is far beyond me.

DP but, OP, you don't even see that you're on the path to divorce by nursing your feelings of upset and resentment like this. That's where this goes. Resentment gives way to contempt which then ends in divorce.

No...dust-ups happen. And then you work through it and get over it. The fact that you think one instance of being upset = path to divorce speaks VOLUMES about the strength of your marriage, and no one else's.

I'm deep into a long happy marriage, but I am surrounded by divorces. As you get older, you'll see that I'm right.

[Anonymous]

While I totally get your frustration, it’s also the last few moments he’s not going to be stressed from travel, covid anxiety, and being with family...and then needing to stay in the basement. That’s a lot too.

I say this as someone whose partner did extensive multi week international travel, let it go so he doesn’t leave with you annoyed. For your sake. What you’re about to do is difficult, exhausting, and not something you asked for either. It will be more difficult is you are angry going in.

Send the kids in to jump on his head. Find a quiet corner to have a tea alone or a hot bath before lunch. Reset. Then try to connect before he heads out.

Best of luck this week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While I totally get your frustration, it’s also the last few moments he’s not going to be stressed from travel, covid anxiety, and being with family...and then needing to stay in the basement. That’s a lot too.

I say this as someone whose partner did extensive multi week international travel, let it go so he doesn’t leave with you annoyed. For your sake. What you’re about to do is difficult, exhausting, and not something you asked for either. It will be more difficult is you are angry going in.

Send the kids in to jump on his head. Find a quiet corner to have a tea alone or a hot bath before lunch. Reset. Then try to connect before he heads out.

Best of luck this week.

Thank you. You took one moment to have empathy for me before offering thoughtful advice, and it was all I needed. I wish there were more people on DCUM like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK, so it's not a resort vacation, but...

DH leaves after lunch today to go stay (masked) at his parents' house to attend his cousin's wedding tomorrow (20 people, masked, distanced, and he's skipping the dinner afterward).

He will then stay at his parents house for a few days; then, he moves into our basement fr a few days, and will get a rapid test.

That's almost a week of me watching the kids, solo. He leaves today. It is now 9 a.m., and he has yet to emerge from bed. Ice been up with the kids since 7:30, and finally served them Valentine's breakfast, as they wer hungry at 8:30. We were supposed to eat together for V-Day. They are waiting for ther cards and small gifts.

I would pay money for my husband to leave for a few days and then sequester in the basement for a few days. My kids are older, though, and don't need a lot of one-on-one time.

[Anonymous]

I don't really see the problem. I think you should just book a cabin for yourself for a long weekend sometime in the next few weeks so you get a break.