I'm upset; soon-to-be vacationing husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hear you op. I'd be p.o.d, too. To those who said she should've set that expectation: a husband should not have to be told to be considerate. It's the fact that, knowing he will be on a mini-vacation the next week while his wife looks after the kids alone, he couldn't be bothered to put the effort into looking after the kids the day before he leaves for vacation, and also miss out on a family event that the kids were looking forward to.

IMO, much of the resentment wives have against husbands would disappear if the husbands put some thought and effort into being a good husband and parent. Why does a grown man have to be told to be a bit more considerate and thoughtful of his wife when it comes to being a partner in the home?

I’m PP who mentions that I set specific schedules with my husband.

Yes, I agree that it would be great if he was more considerate, but unfortunately that just isn’t the case. So instead of me stewing, being resentful and irritated by his lack of consideration, I am crystal clear in expectations re: household schedule, cleaning that should be done over the weekend (hey, I’m going to vacuum and clear the sink, can you please clean the bathroom and help the kids pick up the playroom) - yep that specific. We have a nanny M-F, so I just extend the time and expectation setting discussions that I have with her now also to my husband.

Would it be great if he would manage this on his own? Yes definitely. But it’s even better not to get divorced because I spent the bulk of our marriage resentful. It helps that he is extremely receptive to this approach (it did not start that way). I guess he figures this is better than having an angry wife all of the time lol.

OP here. WOW. I literally said "I'm upset." How you leapt to getting a divorce from that is far beyond me.

DP but, OP, you don't even see that you're on the path to divorce by nursing your feelings of upset and resentment like this. That's where this goes. Resentment gives way to contempt which then ends in divorce.

No...dust-ups happen. And then you work through it and get over it. The fact that you think one instance of being upset = path to divorce speaks VOLUMES about the strength of your marriage, and no one else's.

+1

This is so dramatic. Nobody goes through a long-term relationship completely devoid of issues like this. It’s how you deal with them over time that matters.

[Anonymous]

All of the PP's suggesting that OP send the kids in to wake him, my husband would just be angry and probably yell at the kids (all 5 and under.) Is my DH an ass?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hear you op. I'd be p.o.d, too. To those who said she should've set that expectation: a husband should not have to be told to be considerate. It's the fact that, knowing he will be on a mini-vacation the next week while his wife looks after the kids alone, he couldn't be bothered to put the effort into looking after the kids the day before he leaves for vacation, and also miss out on a family event that the kids were looking forward to.

IMO, much of the resentment wives have against husbands would disappear if the husbands put some thought and effort into being a good husband and parent. Why does a grown man have to be told to be a bit more considerate and thoughtful of his wife when it comes to being a partner in the home?

I’m PP who mentions that I set specific schedules with my husband.

Yes, I agree that it would be great if he was more considerate, but unfortunately that just isn’t the case. So instead of me stewing, being resentful and irritated by his lack of consideration, I am crystal clear in expectations re: household schedule, cleaning that should be done over the weekend (hey, I’m going to vacuum and clear the sink, can you please clean the bathroom and help the kids pick up the playroom) - yep that specific. We have a nanny M-F, so I just extend the time and expectation setting discussions that I have with her now also to my husband.

Would it be great if he would manage this on his own? Yes definitely. But it’s even better not to get divorced because I spent the bulk of our marriage resentful. It helps that he is extremely receptive to this approach (it did not start that way). I guess he figures this is better than having an angry wife all of the time lol.

+1. This is how I approach it with my husband too. Yes, it would be great if he'd like just see a dirty floor and pick up a damn broom. But he doesn't. So instead of me stewing about why he didn't sweep I just ask him to sweep. Then he sweeps. No fighting over it and not a moment missed in anger. Just ask for what you want and be clear in your communication. I also discuss ahead of time expectations for other things too so we both aren't left mad or hurt. It has worked well for our marriage. Not everyone is exactly like you, so you need to communicate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of the PP's suggesting that OP send the kids in to wake him, my husband would just be angry and probably yell at the kids (all 5 and under.) Is my DH an ass?

Yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK, so it's not a resort vacation, but...

DH leaves after lunch today to go stay (masked) at his parents' house to attend his cousin's wedding tomorrow (20 people, masked, distanced, and he's skipping the dinner afterward).

He will then stay at his parents house for a few days; then, he moves into our basement fr a few days, and will get a rapid test.

That's almost a week of me watching the kids, solo. He leaves today. It is now 9 a.m., and he has yet to emerge from bed. Ice been up with the kids since 7:30, and finally served them Valentine's breakfast, as they wer hungry at 8:30. We were supposed to eat together for V-Day. They are waiting for ther cards and small gifts.

Does he need to stay at his parents a few days? Why not go to the wedding and come home the next day? No basement. He will be masked and distanced. You are making this way harder than it has to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of the PP's suggesting that OP send the kids in to wake him, my husband would just be angry and probably yell at the kids (all 5 and under.) Is my DH an ass?

Um yes. Yikes!! Husband is about to leave for a weekend it’s Valentine’s Day weekend. Getting mad at kids running in would be complete duck move. Immature and selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A week of looking after your kids should not be a chore. How many snd how old?

Seriously. I’ve been watching my grandchildren for weeks at a time, even at the baby stage so their parents can take a vacation and get a break. I love it. How can a parent not take care of their own kids for a week. When my kids were little, my DH traveled and I took care of them alone a lot and worked full time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of the PP's suggesting that OP send the kids in to wake him, my husband would just be angry and probably yell at the kids (all 5 and under.) Is my DH an ass?

Um yes. Yikes!! Husband is about to leave for a weekend it’s Valentine’s Day weekend. Getting mad at kids running in would be complete duck move. Immature and selfish.

Okay and I agree but what do I do about it?

Currently I just try to avoid angering him. So in this instance I would keep the kids out so they don't end up in his crosshairs.

And if I leave him, then they're with him alone half the time.

He is in therapy. It's not helping. He seems to think his reactions are reasonable and valid. If he's angry, it's always somehow my fault.

[Anonymous]

Is one of you morbidly obese with asthma?

Sure a small, distanced, masked gathering is a risk but you sound extreme. He goes, comes back, the end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A week of looking after your kids should not be a chore. How many snd how old?

Seriously. I’ve been watching my grandchildren for weeks at a time, even at the baby stage so their parents can take a vacation and get a break. I love it. How can a parent not take care of their own kids for a week. When my kids were little, my DH traveled and I took care of them alone a lot and worked full time.

Gtfo sanctimommy and grand mommy. You do realize it’s a pandemic and parents and stretched thin??? She’s not saying she can’t take care of them for a week. This is the opposite of helpful. Don’t you have better things to do?

OP, please ignore these nasty excuses for human beings. I’m sorry. It sucks. I’d be mad too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of the PP's suggesting that OP send the kids in to wake him, my husband would just be angry and probably yell at the kids (all 5 and under.) Is my DH an ass?

Yes.

A huge one. And I would totally have sent my kid in to wake up her dad in the circumstances OP describes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A week of looking after your kids should not be a chore. How many snd how old?

I never said it was a chore, but it is labor. As in, if OP and DH can't do it because they work outside the home, they need to PAY for daycare, yes? Do you always dismiss the unpaid labor of SAHPs? Do you always place no value on what often is "women's work"?

Parent is a relationship, not a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A week of looking after your kids should not be a chore. How many snd how old?

Seriously. I’ve been watching my grandchildren for weeks at a time, even at the baby stage so their parents can take a vacation and get a break. I love it. How can a parent not take care of their own kids for a week. When my kids were little, my DH traveled and I took care of them alone a lot and worked full time.

Oh honey. Now try having a job outside the house, having social obligations, and do it day on and day out for years. You're cute, though, like grandma for a week before going back to retirement and bridge club is some big deal.

[Anonymous]

At 8am I would have sent my kids up to get DH out of bed. I agree he’s being selfish, and should have taken the initiative today. But don’t let him stay lazy, get those kids in there and jumping on the bed to get his lazy ass up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A week of looking after your kids should not be a chore. How many snd how old?

Seriously. I’ve been watching my grandchildren for weeks at a time, even at the baby stage so their parents can take a vacation and get a break. I love it. How can a parent not take care of their own kids for a week. When my kids were little, my DH traveled and I took care of them alone a lot and worked full time.

Oh honey. Now try having a job outside the house, having social obligations, and do it day on and day out for years. You're cute, though, like grandma for a week before going back to retirement and bridge club is some big deal.

I am not that pp, but honey, you better practice reading comprehension.