Best friend’s husband cheated

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't stay w him in the hope that they'll patch things up and have kids. She's lucky she doesn't have any kids now to complicate matters further. Staying married to a cheating spouse "for the kids" is no picnic. She's only 38 and can have a fresh start.

Op - I agree with this but I don’t think it’s my place to say that. I think she agrees too, but it’s complicated. She doesn’t know where she would go if she leaves, she’s lived in another country for most of her adult life but wouldn’t be able to remain if they split, etc.

New poster.

OP, you are getting a LOT of "don't say a word except to be supportive" advice and you seem inclined that way too.

However, it is not interfering to remind her that she needs to separate her issues here.

One issue is the emotional one of the marriage, cheating, kids. But the other issue is her remaining in the UK. Of course they are linked and tangled up together but she needs to simultaneously deal with therapy for the marriage/emotional part AND put on her coldest self and get serious legal advice from an experienced immigration attorney about her status right now and her status if they divorce.

People will come here and blast me for that, but to be blunt, she is not going to get to stay magically in the UK if they divorce and she does not have a job where they'll fight for her to stay on because she has special skills that are needed in the UK. I'm married to a UK citizen and have several close friends who are Americans in the UK (not citizens) who are there because of special skills (medical fields). They all say it the UK is tighter than ever about jobs and foreign nationals.

While you don't need to get all up in her emotional business, you can just remind her that she should consult an immigration attorney who has handled similar cases.

She absolutely should not have kids to anchor herself in the UK. That would be frankly wrong for her, for jerk husband and for the kids as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She will need to chose between children and patching up the relationship or leaving and being childless. That age is rough. I wish people would understand that if you are looking to start a family, to avoid waiting too late and getting too old.

It is certainly a difficult choice, but I know several older women (my mom included) who conceived naturally and had healthy children over 40. Two of them were over 45.

It's definitely a gamble, I know - not saying it'll work out. But of my early thirties friend set, truly *all* of them understand biological implications of not waiting too long to try to get pregnant. And sometimes I really think that side of the messaging goes too far and has scared many into having kids when they weren't ready and/or with the wrong partner. There are also many other ways to have a family if that's the priority.

[Anonymous]

I will definitely encourage her to speak with a lawyer - or two - re immigration and divorce so she knows more about her options. I definitely don’t think she should try to get pregnant - I know she anticipates having trouble conceiving due to pcos and why would she want to have kids with a jerk who cheated on her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will definitely encourage her to speak with a lawyer - or two - re immigration and divorce so she knows more about her options. I definitely don’t think she should try to get pregnant - I know she anticipates having trouble conceiving due to pcos and why would she want to have kids with a jerk who cheated on her?

Well if she doesn't want to have kids with a jerk who cheated then it's solved. She should immediately file for divorce. However, from your post she wants to try and work it out. If that's the case she needs to make a decision quickly about having her children. Worst case they divorce down the road and like every other couple will have to co-parent. She invested a lot, and should do what's best for her at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will definitely encourage her to speak with a lawyer - or two - re immigration and divorce so she knows more about her options. I definitely don’t think she should try to get pregnant - I know she anticipates having trouble conceiving due to pcos and why would she want to have kids with a jerk who cheated on her?

Well if she doesn't want to have kids with a jerk who cheated then it's solved. She should immediately file for divorce. However, from your post she wants to try and work it out. If that's the case she needs to make a decision quickly about having her children. Worst case they divorce down the road and like every other couple will have to co-parent. She invested a lot, and should do what's best for her at this point.

But wouldn’t having kids just further complicate it, especially given the international issues? If she had a kid, they split and she wants to move back to the US, it might not be possible, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will definitely encourage her to speak with a lawyer - or two - re immigration and divorce so she knows more about her options. I definitely don’t think she should try to get pregnant - I know she anticipates having trouble conceiving due to pcos and why would she want to have kids with a jerk who cheated on her?

Well if she doesn't want to have kids with a jerk who cheated then it's solved. She should immediately file for divorce. However, from your post she wants to try and work it out. If that's the case she needs to make a decision quickly about having her children. Worst case they divorce down the road and like every other couple will have to co-parent. She invested a lot, and should do what's best for her at this point.

But wouldn’t having kids just further complicate it, especially given the international issues? If she had a kid, they split and she wants to move back to the US, it might not be possible, right?

I assume she already thought about all that upon marrying the guy. It sounds like she's where she wants to be. Getting divorced and hoping to find someone is going to be the big problem. Then finding out down the road she can't conceived because she's too old. In your late 40's, or 50's your job gets old if that's all you have fyi.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will definitely encourage her to speak with a lawyer - or two - re immigration and divorce so she knows more about her options. I definitely don’t think she should try to get pregnant - I know she anticipates having trouble conceiving due to pcos and why would she want to have kids with a jerk who cheated on her?

Well if she doesn't want to have kids with a jerk who cheated then it's solved. She should immediately file for divorce. However, from your post she wants to try and work it out. If that's the case she needs to make a decision quickly about having her children. Worst case they divorce down the road and like every other couple will have to co-parent. She invested a lot, and should do what's best for her at this point.

But wouldn’t having kids just further complicate it, especially given the international issues? If she had a kid, they split and she wants to move back to the US, it might not be possible, right?

I assume she already thought about all that upon marrying the guy. It sounds like she's where she wants to be. Getting divorced and hoping to find someone is going to be the big problem. Then finding out down the road she can't conceived because she's too old. In your late 40's, or 50's your job gets old if that's all you have fyi.

Op - when they got married he was open to kids. Then he had something happen at work (he worked with kids) and changed his mind/started saying he was never sure he wanted kids. I’m quite sure the affair is related to his feelings about kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't stay w him in the hope that they'll patch things up and have kids. She's lucky she doesn't have any kids now to complicate matters further. Staying married to a cheating spouse "for the kids" is no picnic. She's only 38 and can have a fresh start.

This falls into the category of “OK for OP to think, but not to say.”

I mean, maybe...Has your spouse cheated on you? If not, you might have a different perspective.

It wouldn't change my perspective, no. All human beings and all relationships are different. You role as a friend is to listen, not to seek vicarious revenge against her husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's going to be decided for her at some point, this man isn't going to stay with her. He's already told her he doesn't think they want the same things, plus he has no intentions of having kids with her. I suspect he will still be looking while she wastes more time with him.

I'm not sure she has time to have kids with someone else at 38. And I suspect he's been making excuses all along as to why...they should wait. I would be livid that he stole that time from me and me having my family. After the cheating I would stop all birth control and let nature take over. His wants would no longer be above my own, and I would put myself first. Meaning having at least 2 kids while I was fertile enough. I look at it like this, you can always find another man if he bails at some point, but you'll always have your kids for life.

Plus she could have kids with another guy in 2 years, but whose to say that relationship would work. I've seen that happen plenty, so that would be my advice OP...

Those kids would be dual citizens too. Not bad.

Yes I was thinking the same thing. Her best bet is to pretend to forgive him, start trying to get pregnant. With what OP posted that would be a win win for her. He'll get over it...just like she got over his cheating. Women never regret having their kids, but often regret the men whether it's 1st or 2nd marriages. He already made all these commitments to her, now he has to keep his word. How I see it.

This seems like a bad idea and unfair to the kids, unless she'd be content living with a cheater or getting divorced.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for all the input. We had a long chat today, and it made me so sad for her because she sounds so sad. Basically she feels like her husband has to “decide” if he wants to be married to her. He has huge mood swings and sometimes is great and sometimes completely shuts her out.
I just listened and asked her how she’s feeling and what she wants to do. She said she doesn’t think she wants to divorce but when she’s being honest with herself she said she thinks “my marriage isn’t going to last”. Yet she doesn’t want to speak to a lawyer, etc.
I told her I’m here for here anytime. I will continue to listen and try to support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the input. We had a long chat today, and it made me so sad for her because she sounds so sad. Basically she feels like her husband has to “decide” if he wants to be married to her. He has huge mood swings and sometimes is great and sometimes completely shuts her out.
I just listened and asked her how she’s feeling and what she wants to do. She said she doesn’t think she wants to divorce but when she’s being honest with herself she said she thinks “my marriage isn’t going to last”. Yet she doesn’t want to speak to a lawyer, etc.
I told her I’m here for here anytime. I will continue to listen and try to support.

Keep encouraging her to see a lawyer - both about immigration status and divorce. Knowledge is power. Encourage her that you will support her whatever she decides, but that she should have all info before making a decision. FWIW, there is a right to remain for victims of domestic violence (which can be emotional or verbal), but facts very much determine the analysis which is why it is important to speak with an attorney.

She might also want to explore IVF methods and insurance benefits to understand more about her fertility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She will need to chose between children and patching up the relationship or leaving and being childless. That age is rough. I wish people would understand that if you are looking to start a family, to avoid waiting too late and getting too old.

It is certainly a difficult choice, but I know several older women (my mom included) who conceived naturally and had healthy children over 40. Two of them were over 45.

It's definitely a gamble, I know - not saying it'll work out. But of my early thirties friend set, truly *all* of them understand biological implications of not waiting too long to try to get pregnant. And sometimes I really think that side of the messaging goes too far and has scared many into having kids when they weren't ready and/or with the wrong partner. There are also many other ways to have a family if that's the priority.

Agree 100%

[Anonymous]

Maybe someone already said this, but “I’m not sure I want what you want” is code for “I want to break up but don’t want to be the bad guy and dump you”. Her marriage is over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her to stop doing wifey shit for men who deserve ALPO in a can.

FIFY

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't stay w him in the hope that they'll patch things up and have kids. She's lucky she doesn't have any kids now to complicate matters further. Staying married to a cheating spouse "for the kids" is no picnic. She's only 38 and can have a fresh start.

Op - I agree with this but I don’t think it’s my place to say that. I think she agrees too, but it’s complicated. She doesn’t know where she would go if she leaves, she’s lived in another country for most of her adult life but wouldn’t be able to remain if they split, etc.

New poster.

OP, you are getting a LOT of "don't say a word except to be supportive" advice and you seem inclined that way too.

However, it is not interfering to remind her that she needs to separate her issues here.

One issue is the emotional one of the marriage, cheating, kids. But the other issue is her remaining in the UK. Of course they are linked and tangled up together but she needs to simultaneously deal with therapy for the marriage/emotional part AND put on her coldest self and get serious legal advice from an experienced immigration attorney about her status right now and her status if they divorce.

People will come here and blast me for that, but to be blunt, she is not going to get to stay magically in the UK if they divorce and she does not have a job where they'll fight for her to stay on because she has special skills that are needed in the UK. I'm married to a UK citizen and have several close friends who are Americans in the UK (not citizens) who are there because of special skills (medical fields). They all say it the UK is tighter than ever about jobs and foreign nationals.

While you don't need to get all up in her emotional business, you can just remind her that she should consult an immigration attorney who has handled similar cases.

She absolutely should not have kids to anchor herself in the UK. That would be frankly wrong for her, for jerk husband and for the kids as well.

Agree 100% with NOT having kids in this situation- and you really need to tell her that. Be open and clear about it.

Women do each other a disservice by - in an effort to be “supportive” - just tell each other “ I agree with whatever you say / whatever you want to do.”

If your friend is about to make a huge, life-altering mistake then you need to tell her it is a mistake.