Best friend’s husband cheated

[Anonymous]

My best friend since high school moved to Europe @10 years ago (right around when I had my first child), ended up meeting a man there soon after and getting married 4 years ago. We attended her wedding and have visited several other times. Her husband seemed like a nice man and my husband and I enjoyed spending time with them.

My friend called me a few weeks ago and told me he’d cheated with a former co-worker. She’s devastated but they are in therapy and she wants to make it work, she thinks. He’s now turning it into “I’m not sure I want what you want” and basically being a narcissistic jerk. They are about to move into a bigger home. She wants kids and he has not decided but “probably does not” (she’s not sure she wants kids now, but she did, and when they married he said he wanted them too). Now she’s worried about splitting up because she won’t be able to stay there after her current fellowship ends in two years, she’s worried she won’t be able to find someone else and have a family. Basically the whole life she’s built for herself in another country rests on him. She’ll be 38 this year and isn’t sure she wants to deal with dating again.

I want to help and advise her, but other than telling her I’m here and I love her, and reminding her that she doesn’t deserve to be treated like this, I don’t really know what to say. I can’t fly there to be with her, she hasn’t told her family or many of her other friends because she’s embarrassed and devastated. I’m happily married with 3 kids, she knows and loves my husband (who currently wants to punch her husband in the nose) and I don’t want my happy family life to upset her either. Any advice for how to help?

[Anonymous]

Tell her to stop doing wifey shit for men who deserve ravioli in a can.

[Anonymous]

Tell her life is not over. 38 is not old. She can absolutely start over, especially if she doesn’t want kids. Tell her to leave this ass immediately. If she has been married for 4 years, how has she not been able to obtain citizenship? That part I don’t get. My husband is Italian and we lived in Italy for about a year and a half at one point. If I recall correctly I could have had citizenship after 3 years of loving in Italy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her life is not over. 38 is not old. She can absolutely start over, especially if she doesn’t want kids. Tell her to leave this ass immediately. If she has been married for 4 years, how has she not been able to obtain citizenship? That part I don’t get. My husband is Italian and we lived in Italy for about a year and a half at one point. If I recall correctly I could have had citizenship after 3 years of loving in Italy.

Poster from above adding that please be careful not to give off the impression that marrying early and having kids earlyish is the only way to do life well just because it worked out great for you. 38 really is not old and she can still have a great next chapter in life. Communicate that to her with conviction and not sheepish pity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her life is not over. 38 is not old. She can absolutely start over, especially if she doesn’t want kids. Tell her to leave this ass immediately. If she has been married for 4 years, how has she not been able to obtain citizenship? That part I don’t get. My husband is Italian and we lived in Italy for about a year and a half at one point. If I recall correctly I could have had citizenship after 3 years of loving in Italy.

They’ll be married 4 years this summer. It’s the UK and they have crazy citizenship rules. She’s on a spousal visa now but has, I believe, another 2 years or so before she could get citizenship.

[Anonymous]

Staying with him just to have kids is a recipe for disaster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell her life is not over. 38 is not old. She can absolutely start over, especially if she doesn’t want kids. Tell her to leave this ass immediately. If she has been married for 4 years, how has she not been able to obtain citizenship? That part I don’t get. My husband is Italian and we lived in Italy for about a year and a half at one point. If I recall correctly I could have had citizenship after 3 years of loving in Italy.

Poster from above adding that please be careful not to give off the impression that marrying early and having kids earlyish is the only way to do life well just because it worked out great for you. 38 really is not old and she can still have a great next chapter in life. Communicate that to her with conviction and not sheepish pity.

Yeah, I COMPLETELY agree. I NEVER expected to marry young. I don’t think she’s old (neither am I) and know there are so many ways to make a family! I was telling her today about two friends of like who had kids on their own at age 40ish and now are married to wonderful men 10 years later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Staying with him just to have kids is a recipe for disaster.

I agree, especially since he doesn’t want them. He has a Peter Pan syndrome.

[Anonymous]

Huh? Leave.

[Anonymous]

If it’s the UK, a spouse visa lasts 2.5 yrs and can be extended for a further 2.5 years and she would then be entitled to Indefinite Leave to Remain. This is not citizenship but I believe that would give her the right to remain independent of him. If she has built her life there and wants to remain, regardless of what happens to their relationship, she needs to speak to an immigration lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it’s the UK, a spouse visa lasts 2.5 yrs and can be extended for a further 2.5 years and she would then be entitled to Indefinite Leave to Remain. This is not citizenship but I believe that would give her the right to remain independent of him. If she has built her life there and wants to remain, regardless of what happens to their relationship, she needs to speak to an immigration lawyer.

Yes, I’ve encouraged her to do that.
Obviously there’s a lot going on a just leaving isn’t an easy choice in any situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Staying with him just to have kids is a recipe for disaster.

I might do it to get dual citizenship, but I’d be preparing myself nicely to leave after...getting finances and researching lawyers, divorce in Uk, etc.

[Anonymous]

Maybe refer her to an infidelity board, or suggest she talk to a therapist or lawyer, just so she knows her options.


I would not suggest telling her she needs to leave, or telling her she needs a divorce, this type of advice tends to backfire.

Along with this avoid saying anything bad about her husband directly, instead give open ended questions turning back on her such as how does that make you feel?

[Anonymous]

I am recovering with my husband from his infidelity (although he cheated after 25 years and not 4). My best friends have just been supportive and listened and just were there for me. They also helped see things straight in the immediate shock. She is lucky to have you so just be supportive of whatever she does. Therapy can help but the cheater has to really want to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My best friend since high school moved to Europe @10 years ago (right around when I had my first child), ended up meeting a man there soon after and getting married 4 years ago. We attended her wedding and have visited several other times. Her husband seemed like a nice man and my husband and I enjoyed spending time with them.

My friend called me a few weeks ago and told me he’d cheated with a former co-worker. She’s devastated but they are in therapy and she wants to make it work, she thinks. He’s now turning it into “I’m not sure I want what you want” and basically being a narcissistic jerk. They are about to move into a bigger home. She wants kids and he has not decided but “probably does not” (she’s not sure she wants kids now, but she did, and when they married he said he wanted them too). Now she’s worried about splitting up because she won’t be able to stay there after her current fellowship ends in two years, she’s worried she won’t be able to find someone else and have a family. Basically the whole life she’s built for herself in another country rests on him. She’ll be 38 this year and isn’t sure she wants to deal with dating again.

I want to help and advise her, but other than telling her I’m here and I love her, and reminding her that she doesn’t deserve to be treated like this, I don’t really know what to say. I can’t fly there to be with her, she hasn’t told her family or many of her other friends because she’s embarrassed and devastated. I’m happily married with 3 kids, she knows and loves my husband (who currently wants to punch her husband in the nose) and I don’t want my happy family life to upset her either. Any advice for how to help?

Number one - she needs to talk to a lawyer in the UK about her eligibility to remain and a divorce lawyer too. Once she's dealing with the actual facts she will be in a much better position to think the rest of it through.

As far as supporting her I think just being in touch is a good start. And figuring out a way to gently encourage her to probe her own feelings and frankly, intuition. Because I think this guy is most definitely still having an affair.

The "I'm not sure I want what you want" is classic. Totally allows him to absolve himself of blame while making her feel like crap. Add that in with not moving to the new house and suddenly not wanting kids and this has active affair written all over it. He probably thought she leave him outright once she found out about the affair (did he tell her or how did she find out?) and now he's trying to make HER leave him. Because in addition to being a cheater he's also a spineless coward.